Fed up with MIL calling to the house non stop

[Rosiebelle17]

Hi I’m ready to explode
My mother in law calls non stop in person over 5/6 times every day
She calls at meal times bed times etc and will not go away , she calls when I have my own family and will not go away
I have tried pulling all the blinds but she keeps knocking and calling out
She knows I’m there as she sees my car outside the house
Someone please help me
I have two kids under 3 and the disruption is causing havoc
I asked my husband to tell her politely but he goes off on a rant that he will tell her stay away for good

Maybe reverse psychology when she call over
'Great you can mind the kids for me. I need go to shops / meet friends /family, etc.

What is she doing in the house, playing with the kids, great take a nap, do housework in peace, etc.
Or ask her to help clean, play, wash, etc.
Try to turn the tables in a positive make use of her. Maybe she want to help keep herself busy.

Just tell her that she can come once a day arrange a time and stick to it, tell you husband to grow a pair and tell his mother to stop.

Another vote for losing your shit with her. She doesn’t care about upsetting you, your dh doesn’t care about her upsetting you so why should you care about upsetting them.

There’s no need for reverse psychology, pretending you’ve got Covid, giving her chores to put her off or any other convoluted scheme. You have to tackle this bluntly and head on because it’s out of order. They need to know it’s out of order.

Clearly she couldn't care less about what anyone else wants.

Definitely make it your husbands problem.

OP let’s her in because if she ignores her, she keeps knocking the door/windows

Ah, so she’s ‘rewarded’ for her actions - so, to her mind, it makes sense to repeat them.

She’s probably thinking “Silly OP can’t hear me/is obviously struggling to cope”. She might actually believe that or she might know the OP really doesn’t want her there but equally knows she’ll win in the end and get let in.

OP, stop letting her treat you like this. Do not let her in and be blunt about not wanting her to call round. Some people are obtuse and need telling bluntly and almost rudely for it to get through their heads, others take advantage of perceived weakness (“I’ll just keep knocking on the window and she’ll let me in in the end”).

Whichever it is, the answer is the same - spell out what you want and don’t back down.

Since lockdown, my Dad (who is normally very independent) has taken to phoning me 3 or 4 times a day. At home, at work, on my mobile when I'm walking the dog. It's been driving me insane.

But he's incredibly lonely, not seeing anyone else, and those 5 minutes on the phone each time are keeping him sane.

I'd be really honest with her, and ask if she's OK as you've noticed she's coming round a lot and you're worried. Rather than barricading yourself in. She loves you all, and wants to be around you. It's about finding the middle ground that you're all comfortable with.

You did not marry his mother for fuck’s sake. She’s in your house more often than your spouse!

penelope I think your post is kind and insightful but you’ve got to remember that it’s not OP’s mother. She hasn’t got that same investment in her wellbeing as you do your dad. Come on. That’s her dh’s role.

I know you said your own mother died some years ago, but is there any way on this earth that your dh would tolerate for one MINUTE, her coming round 5-6 times a day when you weren't in and he was home alone with the kids? Or at all?

TBH she sounds a bit bonkers! Does she have full mental capacity? What kind of age is she? Her persistence would actually worry/ scare me !

He probably wouldn’t mind because she’s so familiar to him. She would be on hand to help him look after the kids and keep them entertained so he could do his own thing.

He’s not seeing it from the OP’s perspective so he can’t see the problem.

Oh I had similar with my in laws, they live 5 minutes drive away and when we had children they pretty much wanted to live our life and be in our faces. We ended up having a huge fallout when I was heavily pregnant with the second, I told them straight that we needed to be able to live our lives without them always there or in our business. It’s still frosty 3 years on and I am viewed as “a bitch” by many of my husband’s family as I wanted to stop them seeing their grandchildren (I didn’t) I just wanted some privacy and to live our own lives. They were always very over involved in my husbands life, I sort of ignored it when we were just bf and gf (for years) but once we married and children came along they took it up a level. They had some weird claim over our children “they are our family, we have rights to see them”. I just couldn’t live my life like that so they were told, my husband was useless so I had to do it myself.

Since lockdown they’ve been driving to our house to drop random shit off (Eg a colouring book for our children - we have a bookcase full of them) and stand on the doorstep breaking the lockdown rules in the process, we’d get about 3 minutes notice. One day his mum texted she was on her way over and I was fed up of her random visits so I shut the curtains and made our kids go to the back of the house 🤣. The cars were on the drive and she kept knocking and then rang my husband 4 times, he didn’t pick up. She then texted several times to check we were ok 🙄🤣. My husband had to tell her we went for a walk and he didn’t take his phone but were indeed all alive and well.

You need to tell her straight, it will make you very unpopular but will make life so much better!

We had this when we lived less than ten minutes away from my in-laws and it was unbearable - we moved. We now (several house moves later) live five minutes from my parents and it is absolutely fine. They always call before popping round and we probably see them once every two or three weeks.

What do you talk about with her for 5/6 hours every day?!! I’d be exhausted!

Does she have other family? Husband, children?
Has she friends?
Does she work?
Can she drive?

Maybe you could find clubs or activities that she would be interested in and strongly encourage her to join them. She doesn’t seem to have any other focus.

I meant to also say that we ended up being very blunt with my in laws and they still didn't change their behaviour. If your MIL has the same thick skin you may also need to move. Good luck!

He’d also likely feel at liberty to refuse admittance when he cba or shoo her off when he’d had enough...in the way we do with family members we know intimately. She’d take being ushered away by him because he’s her son and their relationship is secure. The OP is a different fish so the same action is perceived as a personal rejection.

This is why the dh has to get involved here.

Open the door:
“it’s not a good time for a visit/I don’t want visitors/No./fuck off. Please call before you come over.”
Close door
Walk away

Does she come round when your DH is there or just when he is at work ?

Just do exactly what CalmdownJanet says. Brilliant advice.

Janet I've read other posts of yours and your input is always spot on.

I say the above as some who to did lose her shit at my mil (who did the same as yours)

I don’t recommend going down the can you just fuck off route but you really need to get boundaries.

@Rosiebelle17

I think it got to me today as I only realized how peaceful it is without her calling non stop when she started calling again

I think its clear OP that all of us see this as horrific but you seem to actually not be that bothered

If it were me honestly I would be very blunt as I value my privacy and feeling invaded constantly in my own home would drive me insane to the point of moving house

But from your replies you dont actually seem that bothered! Wishing you a long and happy marriage with your MIL who sounds like Mr Toad

First rule of marriage, don't live near your in laws. My ex inlaws lived round the corner from us, I had to drive past their house to get to where I parked my car, it was a nightmare, particularly when I had just had ds, she would be tapping on my front window at 6.30am when she walked the dog. Best thing I ever did was get divorced, exh was too much of a wimp to say anything to them. Is his dad in the picture? I would speak to him & say you are worried that mil is starting with dementia, she keeps forgetting where she lives & turning up at yours, he needs to get her to see a doctor. Hopefully the visits will stop.

Move house.