Fed up with MIL calling to the house non stop

[Rosiebelle17]

Hi I’m ready to explode
My mother in law calls non stop in person over 5/6 times every day
She calls at meal times bed times etc and will not go away , she calls when I have my own family and will not go away
I have tried pulling all the blinds but she keeps knocking and calling out
She knows I’m there as she sees my car outside the house
Someone please help me
I have two kids under 3 and the disruption is causing havoc
I asked my husband to tell her politely but he goes off on a rant that he will tell her stay away for good

What happens if you just open the door, say "I've told you many times before it's not convenient for you to call at this time" and close it again?

‘Hello MiL, you’re back again. Why?’

‘To see the children’.

‘But you saw them an hour ago so why are you here again?’

‘To see the children’

‘You saw them an hour ago. Why are you here again?’

‘To see the kiddies’

‘Why? They’ve not changed in the last 60 minutes. Come back tomorrow at 11am’

Rinse and repeat.

i would be speaking to the police about harassment tbh.

This would be a divorce case if it were me. 'I'll tell her to go for good!' - great, see that you do, much appreciated. Simple as that. Not your problem how he's going to do it, nor if they fall out. His problem to sort his parent's intrusive behaviour or take the consequences. However, you do need to make him understand how serious YOU are about it.

Which visits bother you the most? If it’s bedtime I would start with that. Tell her that in lockdown the kids have got into a great routine and she needs to stop visiting after 5/6 so they can get to bed.

If she comes after that time don’t open the door, if it gets to that time and she’s there tell the kids to give her a kiss night night as granny is going home before bed time, say thanks for popping over, are you OK to let yourself out w hi list I sort the kids out and then just go and do it.

If she stays beyond that you can say, oh I thought you had let yourself out so I could put the kids to bed, and then just carry on and ignore her.

Crack bedtimes and then move on to mealtimes or your parents visits. If your family are there and she knocks on just say oh sorry we’ve got company I will pop over later and close the door.

@Rosiebelle17

I have told her that calling at bedtime drives them mad and that they are up til 12 (that is true) if she is there Takes no notice or says they will go to bed when they are tired

This post really stood out to me.

She is happy to disrupt your young children's bedtimes. She couldn't care less about their or your needs, her wants trump everything - selfish.

I had a similar situation with my own mum. It was phone calls though, when she phoned for a chat at whatever random time suited her, everything had to be abandoned. I explained how disruptive it was and gave her a set time to call - didn't work. I ignored her calls - didn't work. I exploded, newborn baby in the house, five year old DS trying to adjust and she escalated the phone calling - she wouldn't ring me after that and couldn't get me off the phone quick enough when I rang her. We're now non contact, doesn't stop her playing the victim card.

I understand that you want your children to have relationship with her, especially as your mum is no longer here but no relationship is better than a toxic one. I agree with PP who suggested telling DH you will explode at her and it will cause a massive strain on your relationship if it doesn't stop - he has got to do something about.

Make it disruptive for your husband too. Every time she turns up, call him immediately. If he doesn’t answer leave him a voicemail with it recording her knocking / banging etc or just say “your mum is here again”
If he doesn’t have voicemail, let it ring until she goes again.

He doesn’t care because it’s not a bother to him, make it one and then when he kicks off about your incessant calling tell him that is exactly how you feel about his mum and that her behaviour needs dealing with so he needs to tell her not to keep calling round

you arrange a time and say that suits you and repeatedly refuse to let her in at other times. then deal with the fall out from the children.

be absolutely consistent. no exceptions. the kids will learn. hopefully she will too but she can't walk through a locked door.

@Tolleshunt

How on earth have you managed not to lose it with her by now?

You’ve said you need a strategy, but seem reluctant to do what is needed. Nobody is going to wave a magic wand for you - least of all your DH, who sounds utterly useless.

So here’s a strategy for you:

Next time she comes unannounced, you go to the door and tell her she can’t come in because it’s not convenient. Explain to her that:

• you’ve explained several times already she’s only to come over when she’s invited.
• that you’re baffled and very annoyed that she’s ignored this. It’s rude and overbearing and you’ve had enough of if. She is NOT to come unannounced again.
• if she continues to turn up when she’s not wanted she will NOT be let in, no matter how many times she rings or bangs. And by the way, this is not only extremely odd and rude behaviour, it is bullying and she needs to stop it right now.
• that if she does this more than once you will cease all further communication with her.

And stick to it, no matter what she says or does, or whether the kids want her to come in or not. They’re little and they don’t say what goes: you do. I promise you that even if they get a little upset in the moment, it will quickly pass and they won’t be scarred for life.

This is easy to sort, but for whatever reason you don’t want to do it.

If she wants to see her grandchildren, she needs to comply. And she will do if you stand firm.

You’re perfectly within your rights to assert normal adult boundaries. In fact, as the mother of children who will be modelling your behaviour and rely on you to provide a decent routine, I’d say it’s incumbent upon you.

In the nicest possible way, you need to grow a spine, Op.

Absolutely everything she said ^^

*day

For goodness sake, move. It is NEVER a good idea to live so close to inlaws. What on earth would possess you to live on top of each other like that? Just get out of there. I see SO many women post on here about their MIL popping in unannounced. It never ends well to live that close. Move. At least 50 miles away.

I am having as strong a reaction to your passivity in this situation as I am to her behaviour.

I too want to know what happens when you open the door, stand in the doorway and say that this isn't a good time. Does she just push you out of the way or something?

God this is awful! He needs to tell her to back off or you need to seriously consider moving.

Would telling her that her actions are causing you to consider moving away help?

You have to tell her and then stand firm. Tell her no matter how many times she knocks you will not let her in and here is the important bit, don't let her in.

Tell her if she keeps knocking the neighbours are going to end up calling the police for harrassing you. Maybe drop in they asked if she is okay as she seems to call round a ridiculous amount of times in a day.

I am assuming she is lonely but holy shit it is way too many times.

I would be brutally honest and tell her that if she keeps harrassing you then you will cut contact completely and have contemplated moving and not telling her where you are going and your Dh is ready to cut contact now.

I don't think he is, I think your Dh is a coward and so he knows you won't tell him to talk to her when his reaction is so extreme.

Put a chain on the door. When she calls round, open it with the chain on, peer around and say ‘sorry, this isn’t a good time - Could you pop back at XX time/day because the kids would love to see you?’ And then close the door. Follow up with a text If you want ‘sorry about earlier, looking forward to seeing you at XX time/day xxx’

Be strong with her and the D.C. You teach people how to treat you. By allowing this you’ve taught her that it’s ok. It’s going to be hard to establish a new pattern but it can be done.

Why do you even let her in? If it's not a good time, tell her so, say goodbye and close the door. I'm not sure it needs to be more complicated than that, really.

This is really quite unacceptable OP and your feelings of frustration are completely understandable. She sounds like she has serious boundary issues. I wonder why she is always calling? Is she lonely?

If I were you I would find a time when you are feeling calm to talk to her about her behaviour. I would tell her honestly exactly how her behaviour is impacting on you and how you want things to be going forward. Don't allow her to derail the conversation, don't accept any excuses or emotional manipulation, just restate your position calmly and clearly.

I did something like this similar recently with my own mother and it really put me on a path to being back in control of my own life.

Good luck.

I would sit her down and have a calm but firm talk with her.
I would explain that it’s not personal but it’s too much...that you wouldn’t want the company of your own mother or indeed anyone else for 5-6 hours a day of continuous popping in and you’re finding it overbearing and intrusive by sheer volume.
Give her compliments. Say you appreciate her, that the kids are so fortunate to have such a lovely granny close at hand and that she has been a wonderful support to you all (even if she’s just a pain in the arse really) but that having someone in and out of your home constantly with no say in it, is making you feel harassed and angry, as is having bedtimes disrupted by her visits as you need your down time, like everyone else. Be firm. We love you but it’s too much.

Your husband is an arsehole to think you can just deal with his bloody socially inept mother and he has nothing to do with it. He threatens you with “I’ll just tell her to stay away for good then” to shut you up. He doesn’t care that you’re done in with it. Not his problem, fuck you.
He’s the real villain in this piece. You need to have it out with him too. Selfish prick.

She IS harassing you btw. Your dh is so out of order to stand by and expect you to gaily put up with it. I could smack him in the face for his arrogance and lack of care.

There are two issues here.

Your husband not caring about the impact of his mother's continual visiting is having on you. That he threatens you with awful consequences if he gets involved as in you'll never see her again.
This is not how good relationships work. If he doesn't care and threatens consequences or this I take it he does it in other situations.

Your MIL has some difficult issues. You are going to have to tell her and stick to it. Block her on your phone. She can contact your H in an emergency. Block her on the house phone. Tell her when she can visit like Tuesday and Friday at this time. Stick a note on the front door to remind her when she comes round. If she has a wobbly and says she's never coming back , well that's her call.

Good luck. But don't just deal with your MIL you need to deal with your H too.

@Timekeeper1is quite right. It can be a minefield living near family. 35 years ago when my then fiancé and I were house hunting his dad (who was a builder and a small time property developer) offered to sell us a house he had just done up at considerably below the market price. It wasn’t an area we wanted to live in, it wasn’t done up in a way I liked and most importantly of all it was only 500 yards from my in-laws.

It took every ounce of determination and tact we had to decline this very generous offer from my lovely FIL and even so his feelings were hurt. Eventually my SIL moved into this house (although FIL remained a joint owner) and still lives there. Living so near to her parents has been a boon in many ways. When her husband left my PIL were very hands on with her D.C. and made a massive difference to her life. In turn she has been a massive support to them in their old age. But it has its downside too, when she wanted to sell up and move away some years ago my PIL were distraught and so she eventually changed her plans and I think she still regrets it. FIL was very proprietorial about the house and often vetoed any changes she wanted to make so she lives in a house decorated and equipped with the choices that a middle aged man made 35 years ago. And now 92 yo MIL is widowed and has dementia but refuses to move to sheltered housing or consider a care home because “SIL looks out for me’. It’s a huge burden on SIL.

Definitely look to move as soon as you can OP. Perhaps you could find somewhere with a drawbridge and a moat.

Good luck OP. You need to block or not answer her phone and not let her in. Tell DH she can visit once a week and any other visits will be ignored. If she's still knocking on windows after a few days tell him he has to sort her out or you are calling the police. Then tell MIL you are doing this. Then do it.

Can you get a lock for your gate? You would have to get a buzzer and all that rigmarole for deliveries, but it might be worth it.

Your DH’s response is passive aggressive avoidance of the issue.

*Make it disruptive for your husband too. Every time she turns up, call him immediately. If he doesn’t answer leave him a voicemail with it recording her knocking / banging etc or just say “your mum is here again”
If he doesn’t have voicemail, let it ring until she goes again.

He doesn’t care because it’s not a bother to him, make it one and then when he kicks off about your incessant calling tell him that is exactly how you feel about his mum and that her behaviour needs dealing with so he needs to tell her not to keep calling round*

Totally agree with @MimiSunshine here. It’s not a problem for your DH, so he doesn’t see it as such. If you make it a hassle for him, he might see the error of his ways...