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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to say no to bailing BIL out?

578 replies

YeahWhatevver · 03/07/2020 13:31

Really struggling to work out what to do.

DH and BIL are relatively close. BIL has never been great with money, definitely lives for the moment. Has in the past had quite a bit of credit card debt and has previously struggled with managing his money. He has (had) a decent job BIL and SIL both work, though SIL is 2 days a week. They have 2 kids.

DH and BIL inherited just under 90k each about 2.5 years ago from their Mother's estate. Nothing was ever discussed about what they were planning to do with it, we put a lot of it into the mortgage or set it aside to put into the mortgage when our fixed term ends (want to a out early repayment fees) and have put some aside for our kids (first cars/bit ot money for college)

Looks like BIL spent most of his - none of our business it's his to use as he wants.

BIL is looking like he'll imminently lose his job. And called up DH asking of he has any of mum's inheritance left as he's in a bit of a spot a figure of £25k seems to have been banded about. Annoyingly DH said yes, we've got quite a bit in savings, so BIL knows we could if we wanted to

DH has previously "loaned" BIL money for it to never be returned fully.

Our family and BIL's family have similar incomes. So it's not like DH has got lucky while BIL has been dealt a bad hand in life.
BIL has a lot bigger house, 2 nice cars lots of personal finance

I can tell DH is protective of his brother and wants to help but I really want to just say no. We've made plans around this money, made sacrifices to be in the financial position we are now and I don't see why we should squander those plans to bail out someone who has failed to take responsibility for themselves.

Problem is, I can see this creating a huge rift.

WIBU to speak to BIL and say no?

OP posts:
Noshowlomo · 03/07/2020 15:59

Definitely no. He will never learn. Let us know how it goes OP!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/07/2020 16:01

I'd want to know the full extent of all debt

I very much doubt that would ever be disclosed, especially if it reveals more fecklessness which might make the DH disinclined to hand over cash

Even a full credit report wouldn't reflect any "private" loans he may or may not have touched other people for ...

ArcheryAnnie · 03/07/2020 16:01

Thing is, it won't do BIL any good even if you did lend (ie give) him all that money. He's blown through a massive amount of money since he inherited. A cash sum from you will go the same way, and in a couple of years he will be back for more.

This isn't a case of your DH wishing to help his brother, and you refusing. DH giving him the money is not helping him, it's enabling him.

DoorstoManual · 03/07/2020 16:02

I have only speed read this, but it would appear that if you had done this as a poll, it would have been a MN first ............100% YANBU Grin

ILoveYou3000 · 03/07/2020 16:02

BIL said "do you have any of mum's money left, I'm about to lose my job and I think it'll be hard to find something else. We've got a lot of immediate bills to pay (credit card) plus the cars and house."

This sounds to me as if your BiL thinks he's entitled to this money. You won't get it back if you give him any.

MrsNoah2020 · 03/07/2020 16:03

@Cornishclio

I have seen many people advise doing it legally with a written agreement. I would point out this is not worth the paper it is written on unless you are willing to take BIL to court for non payment. He is a non payer historically and bad with money. He needs to remedy that rather than sponge off his DB
Agree. Personally I was thinking more in terms of a Declaration of Trust for the house, not relying on the BIL to pay.
Mix56 · 03/07/2020 16:04

No, No, NO.
He has blown his share, & presumably enjoyed the spending. He has never refunded the previous loans.
He can sell his car, he can down size his house. His wife can work more than 2 days a week.
You have made decisions & to save for your DC, it is not just extra, unspent readies, it is earmarked, & lending it to him, with apparently no imminent replacement job means you will never see it again.

Caselgarcia · 03/07/2020 16:08

I would want to see him make sacrifices first, ie selling cars, wife going full time etc
Then I'd tell him you can offer him £500

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/07/2020 16:08

Everything billy1966 said.

And yes, with "He said he'd speak to me" your husband has set you up to be Bad Cop to his Good. But, you know - I'd be OK with being Bad Cop. Yes it would be better if he had just told his brother he wasn't going to donate lend him £25k, but as you acknowledge, he is more invested in his brother. So I'd happily play Bad Cop and give BIL a straight 'No'.

In fact, I think I'd start rehearsing my speech now.

  • About how him burning through £90k in 2.5 years clearly shows he's habitually living above his means, and that any money you/DH gave him would go the same way.
  • All a gift loan would do would delay the inevitable for a few months at best whilst depriving you/DH of your/DH's money and would therefore be pointless.
_ And for that reason there would be no gift loan, that money was put away for your/DH's future and that of your own children, and that's the way it's going to stay.

And I'd probably also do so ASAP rather than wait for BIL to progress his Is-There-Money? to Can-I-Have-It? . I'd get my response arranged, I'd probably write it down just for good measure to have in front of me for reinforcement, and then I'd pick up the phone and make the call. Take control, not just stew waiting for the grift.

I'd even tell him I thought it best to let him know ASAP that you would not be facilitating bailing him out to give him time to MAKE OTHER ARRANGEMENTS.

frazzledasarock · 03/07/2020 16:09

How do you blow £90k in two years? That’s a higher than average salary amount people live on that amount.
He could have bought a flat or house (depending on where you are) with that money.

Don’t do it.

Saracen · 03/07/2020 16:11

If he loses his job and has no savings, he'll be able to go on Universal Credit.

If he loses his job and has £25k in the bank which you just gave him, he won't be eligible for UC.

frazzledasarock · 03/07/2020 16:12

Ask for you’re previous ‘loans’ back

myusernamewastakenbyme · 03/07/2020 16:12

Oh god i'd be seething if my dh even considered this idea...i really think i would split up over it as i would never be able to forgive him for taking security away from our kids.

Davodia · 03/07/2020 16:14

And if a rift with BIL is bad, a rift with one's wife is worse
This. I would seriously divorce a husband who gave away £25k. And it’s not a loan because you already know he won’t pay it back. He already has a history of not paying money back and he has no means to pay it back, plus he has a history of being feckless with money. Your DH needs to say no, and if he puts his brother ahead of his wife and DC then personally I’d divorce.

TenShortStories · 03/07/2020 16:14

I'd be making it clear to your DH that you also care about his brother and do want to support him, but for people this bad with money financial help is basically just throwing money away, and what would be the point in that?

spinningaround72 · 03/07/2020 16:14

100% no. I have family 'borrowing' money off other family and its caused big falling outs. That 25k could have been a house deposit for one of the kids

DisobedientHamster · 03/07/2020 16:15

Agree. Personally I was thinking more in terms of a Declaration of Trust for the house, not relying on the BIL to pay.

But even that won't pay out if the BIL goes insolvent (which, given his history, is a distinct possibility) or the home is repossessed and then sold at a price less than what is needed to satisfy the mortgage(s) (he may have more than one) - that lender will be in line to be paid first.

BumbleBeee69 · 03/07/2020 16:21

Sorry, DH hasn't said yes, only that we have it in savings.

He said he'd speak to me

well he truly shafted you in this statement... He's using your NO as the decider ... and that's unfair.. your husbands a DICK...

and it's a NO from me.. but I suspect your husband will over rule you

Rainbowshine · 03/07/2020 16:22

I would expect BIL to do everything to cut back as much as possible first, so can the cars be sold/returned, can they take a mortgage holiday, what redundancy pay is he getting.

Your DH would do his brother a favour by signposting organisations that can help him budget and look at benefits etc

I think I would say something like that you took the opportunity to carefully consider whether your family’s financial position was secure enough for the loan of such a significant amount. After all, that would’ve meant you would not have access to a safety net for yourselves for a considerable time and nothing is certain about anyone’s employment or health right now. Maybe add that you think it may complicate tax returns too. So it’s something that you’re not able to do. Here’s some places that can help you with your own money management that might be a better place to go to for help.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 03/07/2020 16:22

Oh god i'd be seething if my dh even considered this idea...i really think i would split up over it as i would never be able to forgive him for taking security away from our kids

I agree. The worse thing is too, you just KNOW if the H asked his bro for a loan of that amount the answer would be no. Its completely one sided.
I'd be livid if H took money away from our children to give to such a selfish arsehole who we knew wouldnt have our backs in a crisis.

NeutrinoWrangler · 03/07/2020 16:22

No way. I'd be furious at your husband for even giving BIL hope by admitting that you have savings. Now if/when the answer is "no", you'll probably be blamed, however unfairly and whether or not it's ever spoken. Your husband has put you in an awkward position.

It would still be "NO" from me. He's demonstrated that he isn't careful with money. If he won't be careful with his own, why would he be careful with yours? And the fact that you've already lent him money and never been fully repaid is further evidence of what will happen.

What happens if you do loan him this huge chunk of cash and he spends his way through it, too? How much is your husband willing to lose? It's too much of an ask. I'd support them in other ways wouldn't see his family go hungry, obviously but I'd not be "loaning" 25K when he already blew through his portion of the inheritance.

mrpumblechook · 03/07/2020 16:23

Considering that he hasn't lost his job yet why would that be a reason for needing 25k? Very dodgy. My BIL is similar and although we give him some money occasionally (if he convinces us he will starve otherwise ) no way would we lend anything we can't afford/don't want to lose as we would never get it back.

WeAllHaveWings · 03/07/2020 16:24

This isn't helping your BIL out, it is giving away your dc's futures and your own carefully planned safety net to someone who pissed his all away. Your BIL has put your dh in a horrible position by even asking and calling it "mum's money" as though he has any claim on it is deplorable.

Your dh needs to go back as soon as possible and have the awkward conversation, before it festers and grows inside him, and say you have talked through the implications to your family over and he simply cannot risk losing the money as it is earmarked for your children's futures. He needs to be prepared for your BIL to emotionally blackmail him and just repeat, I wish I could but I need that money for the dc's future, they are my priority, and I purposely kept it as a safety net for my family, no one knows how this will go and I need that safety net now more than ever and I cannot risk giving it away when you don't know when you will be in a position to repay (tell him to make sure he says I and my as it sounds stronger).

Bahhhhhumbug · 03/07/2020 16:26

Everything WhereYouLeftIt said but would also add an example when he didn't pay you back in the past and no doubt swore he would as another reason you have decided on balance its a no no.

squiglet111 · 03/07/2020 16:26

Hell no. You have made plans for all the money. It's not spare for him to borrow and never pay back. What did he do with all his share? He should have kept some for a rainy day. I wouldn't even consider any sort of loan. Bil needs to sell his car/cars and work on reducing their out goings.