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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to say no to bailing BIL out?

578 replies

YeahWhatevver · 03/07/2020 13:31

Really struggling to work out what to do.

DH and BIL are relatively close. BIL has never been great with money, definitely lives for the moment. Has in the past had quite a bit of credit card debt and has previously struggled with managing his money. He has (had) a decent job BIL and SIL both work, though SIL is 2 days a week. They have 2 kids.

DH and BIL inherited just under 90k each about 2.5 years ago from their Mother's estate. Nothing was ever discussed about what they were planning to do with it, we put a lot of it into the mortgage or set it aside to put into the mortgage when our fixed term ends (want to a out early repayment fees) and have put some aside for our kids (first cars/bit ot money for college)

Looks like BIL spent most of his - none of our business it's his to use as he wants.

BIL is looking like he'll imminently lose his job. And called up DH asking of he has any of mum's inheritance left as he's in a bit of a spot a figure of £25k seems to have been banded about. Annoyingly DH said yes, we've got quite a bit in savings, so BIL knows we could if we wanted to

DH has previously "loaned" BIL money for it to never be returned fully.

Our family and BIL's family have similar incomes. So it's not like DH has got lucky while BIL has been dealt a bad hand in life.
BIL has a lot bigger house, 2 nice cars lots of personal finance

I can tell DH is protective of his brother and wants to help but I really want to just say no. We've made plans around this money, made sacrifices to be in the financial position we are now and I don't see why we should squander those plans to bail out someone who has failed to take responsibility for themselves.

Problem is, I can see this creating a huge rift.

WIBU to speak to BIL and say no?

OP posts:
Original poster
YeahWhatevver · 05/07/2020 16:56

DH called BIL this morning to say its not a financial advisor they need but debt advice. He mentioned stepchange (thanks MNers)

I think now that DH has had time to process it all (we were aware of their lifestyle but hadn't thought it was so unsustainable, we didn't know about the failed property investment with his friends) he's a bit fucked off that BIL put him on the spot.

It got a little heated, DH suggested SIL should speak to her work about more hours and asked BIL how he really thought he could continue and whether BIL/SIL are so vain that others' perception of their wealth/status is worth this situation. Call ended abruptly and DH took the dog and kids out for a walk straight afterwards

DH doesn't want to talk about it anymore and I've not pressed him for details.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 05/07/2020 16:59

Good on your DH for taking a step back, and thinking about the bigger picture, and not just lying down and rolling over for the sake of a quiet life.

Those calls are not easy to make, DH has had to do it with his family, and sometimes he's been left in pieces as a result.

ThickFast · 05/07/2020 16:59

Well at least BIL knows where he stands now. It’s probably some hard truths for him to hear. But good that your husband felt able to say.

Lumene · 05/07/2020 17:03

It won’t help BIL he’ll just burn through it.

How much would he get if he sold his two expensive cars, anywhere near £25K?

Buy him a David Ramsey book or similar and tell him to sort his own finances out, much better for him in the long run.

Jux · 05/07/2020 17:03

FishyDuck, have you read 'Persuasion'? Worth it for the first chapters dealing with Ann''s dad.

OP, we had a similar situation with dh's erstwhile best mate. He got into trouble financially, and asked dh for help - which we gave at some personal cost. Not only did he never pay it back in full, but he blamed me for dh refusing to lend him more when he next asked. (That was my fault, dh had asked if we could and I said a flat no.)

Lumene · 05/07/2020 17:04

Cross posted! Sounds like a good way forward OP. ‘Lending’ would not have ended well in any case.

BumbleBeee69 · 05/07/2020 17:07

I'm glad DH dealt with the OP... well done Flowers

TeaAndHobnob · 05/07/2020 17:16

Oooof OP, sounds like a tough convo for your DH. But good on him for saying it. Hopefully BIL will calm down and realise your husband has his long term interests at heart - a loan would be a sticking plaster and leave none of you better off.

FishyDuck · 05/07/2020 17:20

I think there is certainly a troubling element of who controls the £25k to this. The money came from an inheritance of the DH- IMO it is therefore clear that the money belongs to him and it should be at his sole discretion what it is spent on.

It is his brother that is in difficulty and really the decision about the extent to which he helps him should be up to the DH. I'm not sure why the OP should even be involved- it is not and was never her money.

FishyDuck · 05/07/2020 17:21

I think there is certainly a troubling element of who controls the £25k to this. The money came from an inheritance of the DH- IMO it is therefore clear that the money belongs to him and it should be at his sole discretion what it is spent on.

It is his brother that is in difficulty and really the decision about the extent to which he helps him should be up to the DH. I'm not sure why the OP should even be involved- it is not and was never her money.

FishyDuck · 05/07/2020 17:21

I think there is certainly a troubling element of who controls the £25k to this. The money came from an inheritance of the DH- IMO it is therefore clear that the money belongs to him and it should be at his sole discretion what it is spent on.

It is his brother that is in difficulty and really the decision about the extent to which he helps him should be up to the DH. I'm not sure why the OP should even be involved- it is not and was never her money.

StaffAssociationRepresentative · 05/07/2020 17:27

Do not spend or lend the £25k to BIL. They will bleed you dry.

@FishyDuck - BIL is in trouble because they can not control their spending. Why should Op's family be dragged down so that BIL's lot can live the life of Riley?

Passmethefrazzles · 05/07/2020 17:29

Ignore the fishy one I thinks they’re just enjoying winding up people who sincerely understand your predicament.
Your DH did well to man up and explain your position. The breakdown of the way they fritter money more than justifies you and DH saying ‘no’; the request was, frankly, ridiculous. The amount of debt they are carrying cannot be managed by a loan or gift of £25k. Your DH gave good advice and it’s time for BIL and SIL to grow up and face their responsibilities head on.

Saying no is not unkind or selfish, I hope your DH holds the line, for the sake of all involved.

Original poster
YeahWhatevver · 05/07/2020 17:30

FishyDuck

I think there is certainly a troubling element of who controls the £25k to this. The money came from an inheritance of the DH- IMO it is therefore clear that the money belongs to him and it should be at his sole discretion what it is spent on

Christ, are you still here swimming against the tide.

It's NOT DH's money, it's our money, just like is not my salary and his salary it's our joint income.

As I said in the second post in this thread, DH and I have has completely joint finances for 20 years with any income or spending being a shared family thing regardless of it's source.

Even if it was DH's money he's no less inclined to give it to fis reckless brother. DH wants to help and support his brother as much as he can, handing over bags of cash isn't the fix.

I wonder if you'd apply the same nonsense logic if BIL was an alcoholic and DH was refusing to buy him booze.

OP posts:
BobbieDraper · 05/07/2020 17:30

@FishyDuck

Some couples do this thing called "joint finances". Everything goes in one pot. If the OP and her husband share their finances entirely; he benefits from hers and she benefits from his, then that is totally their choice and nothing to do with you.

The OP and her husband arent arguing over the money and who it 'belongs' to. Her husband even told the brother that he would discuss it first because it wasnt his to give away.

They have both, very sensibly, decided not to hand money over to a spending addict and are, instead, going to offer advice and support whilst the couple start contacting their creditors and hopefully begin the process if downsizing.

That money wont make any difference; the brother has shown he doesnt actually want to or plan to downsize. He wanted to use their money to keep them going for another few months and once it was gone, then they would face the music. All it does is kick the can down the road; and OP gives up her children's uni fees to do it. The expense isnt worth the reward; which is BIL carrying on being an idiot with someone else's money for a few more months.

mbosnz · 05/07/2020 17:32

Fishyduck, when we inherit money, it becomes our family's money, because we have completely joint finances, and it is intermingled with all the rest of our money and assets. It is therefore our joint decision as to what it is spent on.

Our priority is our own family's welfare and wellbeing. Not propping up an indigent relative in an unsustainable lifestyle, to which they obviously feel overwhelmingly entitled.

PickAChew · 05/07/2020 17:36

@FishyDuck

I think the best way forward here would be for the £25k to be loaned alongside helping the BIL implement a gradual and sustainable cost-cutting programme. Imo it's not fair on the BIL or the rest of his family to have the rug pulled out from under their whole lifestyle overnight.

So I'd be loaning the money and then sitting down with the BIL to review all of his outgoings to identify areas that could be curtailed without drastically affecting his life.

Hahahaha.

Keep trying.

Longwhiskers14 · 05/07/2020 17:36

@FishyDuck

I think there is certainly a troubling element of who controls the £25k to this. The money came from an inheritance of the DH- IMO it is therefore clear that the money belongs to him and it should be at his sole discretion what it is spent on.

It is his brother that is in difficulty and really the decision about the extent to which he helps him should be up to the DH. I'm not sure why the OP should even be involved- it is not and was never her money.

The OP said she and her DH of 20 years have always shared their finances and the inheritance has been absorbed as family money. And it's very clear DH doesn't want to help his BIL either.

I find it bizarre you are more concerned for spendthrift BIL's mental wellbeing but not that of OP's children, who will suffer the most if their uncle is given the 25k earmarked for their uni education. Why should his debt take precedent over them?

GoGold · 05/07/2020 17:38

It's a no from me. No way, José.

mbosnz · 05/07/2020 17:38

Also, why did the fishy one post that three times?

Longwhiskers14 · 05/07/2020 17:39

mbosnz Just in case we all missed it the first time. Hmm

GabsAlot · 05/07/2020 17:55

fishy has been winding people up all over the boards just ignore them

properjambon · 05/07/2020 17:57

Fishy, you're either a troll or really fucking bored. Get a hobbie.

mbosnz · 05/07/2020 18:06

From the sounds of it, this is the smelly one's hobby. . .

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 05/07/2020 18:34

Your DH got it spot on! He did the right thing.

Ignore that fishy poster- there is very obviously a lot of projection going on, on her part because she is completely ignoring all the issues/queries people have brought up and is bullishly still insisting she's right. She isnt. She has some weird emotional attachment to this outcome due to her personal circumstances and thats why she is so invested in you lending the money and is ignoring everything else that would be an obvious warning not to.