WIBU to say no to bailing BIL out?

[YeahWhatevver]

Really struggling to work out what to do.

DH and BIL are relatively close. BIL has never been great with money, definitely lives for the moment. Has in the past had quite a bit of credit card debt and has previously struggled with managing his money. He has (had) a decent job BIL and SIL both work, though SIL is 2 days a week. They have 2 kids.

DH and BIL inherited just under 90k each about 2.5 years ago from their Mother's estate. Nothing was ever discussed about what they were planning to do with it, we put a lot of it into the mortgage or set it aside to put into the mortgage when our fixed term ends (want to a out early repayment fees) and have put some aside for our kids (first cars/bit ot money for college)

Looks like BIL spent most of his - none of our business it's his to use as he wants.

BIL is looking like he'll imminently lose his job. And called up DH asking of he has any of mum's inheritance left as he's in a bit of a spot a figure of £25k seems to have been banded about. Annoyingly DH said yes, we've got quite a bit in savings, so BIL knows we could if we wanted to

DH has previously "loaned" BIL money for it to never be returned fully.

Our family and BIL's family have similar incomes. So it's not like DH has got lucky while BIL has been dealt a bad hand in life.
BIL has a lot bigger house, 2 nice cars lots of personal finance

I can tell DH is protective of his brother and wants to help but I really want to just say no. We've made plans around this money, made sacrifices to be in the financial position we are now and I don't see why we should squander those plans to bail out someone who has failed to take responsibility for themselves.

Problem is, I can see this creating a huge rift.

WIBU to speak to BIL and say no?

@FishyDuck it is probably going to make them miserable, but that's not mental illness.

He’s not even lost his job yet.

He should go to step change, they’ll help him get some of his debts written off, credit cards and manage the car financing options they may get the company to write that debt off and take back the cars too.

The wife can ask to increase her work hours from two days a week, she doesn’t have the luxury of choosing not to work.

Has he started applying for jobs yet? He could do that, apply for anything and everything.

Cancel the yacht holiday I mean ffs £16k!!!

Get legal advice about getting himself out of his ‘business investment’ and recouping as much money as possible.

Downsize the house.

And budget and learn to live within his means.

I’m shocked at the ability to spend £90k in 2years as not only is it higher than national average salary but it’s on top of his own and wife’s income. It would be moderately understandable if he had no other income and managed to spend £90 in two years but it’s not.

They also need to then check what benefits they might be eligible for.

I wouldn’t lend him money as it will just delay the inevitable and make your own financial position weak. Will he want you to sell you house up next to pay his debts and maintain his ridiculous lifestyle?

Its enabling to "lend" your BiL anymore money. Its time he grew up and took responsibility. Its not your problem. Take him somewhere who can help him sort his money. Don't bail him out anymore

This story is unbelievable. Asking family for money should be the last resort after you've tried to sell liquid assets.

@frazzledasarock makes a good point in that he's spent £90k plus his and his wives income. It's s truly astonishing the level of profligacy.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I wouldn't be happy with my partner lending that kind of money. That is after all your kids future.

Also how can he ever repay that kind of money.

I should start by saying my BIL is very sensible with money and I’d never see them stuck even if it meant us doing without some stuff - I appreciate family comes before lots of things. However firstly it should have been discussed with you first. Secondly that’s a crazy amount of money - is he in hock to loan sharks or something?! That’s like a full years average salary (and many earn way less in a year!). Sounds like they need to cut their cloth or he should be getting himself a new job pronto. Bailing out in the short term is one thing - £25k is a ludicrous amount of money for a bailout. I’d have flipped my lid especially if as you say he flings it about like water and doesn’t return what he’s previously borrowed. Nope this is a disaster waiting to happen and a huff now is better than an angry rift later.

Sounds to me that if his work sector has crashed and with everything else he has signed up to pay for 25k is the tip of the iceberg- no way will that cover everything.
You need to put your family first, yourselves and your children. Yes he may well need it but so will your children when they go to college. You handing money to BIL ends up potentially putting your children in debt before they're even started. He's blown his 90k and clearly that wasn't enough because he's signed up to spend more.
No way! He's spent his, now starting on yours. Put stuff in your children's names already so they're covered and hold on to your own amount. He won't stop until he's spent yours as well.
Prepare to be guilt tripped but for goodness sake don't fall for it.
I'd say "sorry, I thought we'd stashed it away then remembered we'd paid some off the mortgage. Sorry, can't help."

No way should be give him 25k. Tell him to downsize and sort himself out.

Say what money we’ve spent it all!

No.
He is a CF for asking in the first place.
Tell your dh no, in no uncertain terms.
Bil should have been wiser with money that's not your issue.

DP done the same for her DB. works mostly CIH, Covid stopped all that .Now in serious need to cover bills
with no Gov't help. 3/4 holidays a year , new range Rover last year , earns 4 times our joint income. She transferred 5k from our house deposit to help him out short term.Not enough now for deposit. DP doesn't understand how i feel about this.Will always put family first.Scrimped for years and almost back to square one.

No- BIL needs to take responsibility for himself. In my experience if you bail people out they will keep asking- and never learn to manage their own finances.

@woofmachine I’d reconsider your relationship after that tbh.

That’s an awful thing to do to you.

Well done, OP, and well done your DH. It’s going to be hard for BIL but you have absolutely done the best thing for him, as well as the best thing for your own family.

I've had personal experience of a few mass redundancies. Very painful for all concerned! I was very impressed with my colleagues attitudes as we considered how this would affect us. Cherished possessions and hobbies were promptly sold and dropped because it was clear that we couldn't maintain these for the time being. Many of us downsized our homes at the earliest opportunity for the same reason. None of us suffered mental health issues due to this, because we were taking positive action to make sure we continued to be independent and responsible for ourselves and our families.

@woofmachine

DP done the same for her DB. works mostly CIH, Covid stopped all that .Now in serious need to cover bills with no Gov't help. 3/4 holidays a year , new range Rover last year , earns 4 times our joint income. She transferred 5k from our house deposit to help him out short term.Not enough now for deposit. DP doesn't understand how i feel about this.Will always put family first.Scrimped for years and almost back to square one.

That would be a deal breaker for me.

I wouldn’t of agreed to pay for the solicitor, moving fees etc.

@LightUpLetters

Only with the agreement that it is written up by the solicitor as an interest in the sale of the house; they will be paid back straight from the sale. They wont need to push the BIL for the money; it will be part of the legal work in the sale and they will be paid back.

With people like the in laws the OP has, owing money is nothing to them.

25k would be swallowed up and never returned.

You might as well burn it on your BBQ.

Also think of the damage to your relationship with them and each other as you watch them on their merry way trying to avoid cutting their cloth.

Someone who loaned money from me once and didn't pay it back would never get another penny from me.

It is sooooo disrespectful.

Your BIL has done this on several occasions apparently.

Going forward in this economy I woùld think having any savings protected to be wise.

I think the best way forward here would be for the £25k to be loaned alongside helping the BIL implement a gradual and sustainable cost-cutting programme. Imo it's not fair on the BIL or the rest of his family to have the rug pulled out from under their whole lifestyle overnight.

So I'd be loaning the money and then sitting down with the BIL to review all of his outgoings to identify areas that could be curtailed without drastically affecting his life.

@FishyDuck hi again SIL.

On the off chance you're not trolling fishyduck, and given some of your other contributions elsewhere it's a borderline call, BIL has refused any help reviewing outgoings.

What about the previous monies 'loaned' to BIL that haven't been repaid.

Unfortunately BIL and you SIL are going to have to have a real hard look at their lifestyle and reassess what they can do and downsize everywhere they need too. YOU can't borrow your way out over spending.

They should be at least cancelling the 16k holiday, that amount would pay along way to a years university for OP children.

@BobbieDraper They might not have any equity in the house, or other companies may already have charges on the house. If the bank repossesses, they're notorious for selling at a low price, or if the BIL is made bankrupt, other creditors will be paid before OP.

It's not guaranteed that OP would get the money paid back. Anyway, with that level of debt, the 25K would only last a few months, and then BIL will be back to the same position. It's only delaying the inevitable.