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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to say no to bailing BIL out?

578 replies

YeahWhatevver · 03/07/2020 13:31

Really struggling to work out what to do.

DH and BIL are relatively close. BIL has never been great with money, definitely lives for the moment. Has in the past had quite a bit of credit card debt and has previously struggled with managing his money. He has (had) a decent job BIL and SIL both work, though SIL is 2 days a week. They have 2 kids.

DH and BIL inherited just under 90k each about 2.5 years ago from their Mother's estate. Nothing was ever discussed about what they were planning to do with it, we put a lot of it into the mortgage or set it aside to put into the mortgage when our fixed term ends (want to a out early repayment fees) and have put some aside for our kids (first cars/bit ot money for college)

Looks like BIL spent most of his - none of our business it's his to use as he wants.

BIL is looking like he'll imminently lose his job. And called up DH asking of he has any of mum's inheritance left as he's in a bit of a spot a figure of £25k seems to have been banded about. Annoyingly DH said yes, we've got quite a bit in savings, so BIL knows we could if we wanted to

DH has previously "loaned" BIL money for it to never be returned fully.

Our family and BIL's family have similar incomes. So it's not like DH has got lucky while BIL has been dealt a bad hand in life.
BIL has a lot bigger house, 2 nice cars lots of personal finance

I can tell DH is protective of his brother and wants to help but I really want to just say no. We've made plans around this money, made sacrifices to be in the financial position we are now and I don't see why we should squander those plans to bail out someone who has failed to take responsibility for themselves.

Problem is, I can see this creating a huge rift.

WIBU to speak to BIL and say no?

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 04/07/2020 12:34

Point them to MSE there is a whole board dedicated to people digging themselves out of a financial hole. They could look at Dave Ramsey or the Barefoot Investor and use YNAB. Stepchange or CAP for advice.

However, none of this will work without a mindset shift. They have to find a way of detaching their self worth from their show of material wealth. They are living the lifestyle they want people to think they can afford not the the one they can actually afford.

ilovemyrednosedaymug · 04/07/2020 12:40

Well done OP, you have made the right decision and I am glad that you DH has backed you.

BIL has shown his true colours by refusing DH's help in looking at restructuring everything. That shows that he has no intention of wanting to sort it out ongoing, but just to borrow money to keep up the lifestyle.

It is debt advice that he needs, point him in the direction of Stepchange or similar company.

Times are hard now for a lot of people. You can feel sorry for him, but only if they do everything that they can to reduce their lifestyle. It is hard to feel sorry for somebody who sticks their head in the sand.

You never help someone like this by lending them money.

Nanasueathome · 04/07/2020 12:54

The thing to remember here is that BIL has spent/wasted his inheritance and has not made any investments at all other than failed property purchases with other friends
If he is lent more money then he will possibly also waste that too
So then both brothers will be left with very little

SeasonFinale · 04/07/2020 12:56

The reason BIL did not want to sit down with your DH to sort out finances is not embarrassment. He does not want his help - he wants his cash!

He will not get a redundancy payment if he has been there less than 16 months. He will merely be given his notice and either have to work it or not.

He has a big house as you say. If there is not enough equity in his house to clear his mortgage and other loans he runs the risk of bankruptcy and then his Trustee in Bankruptcy will definitely go after his shares in the property. He needs to swallow his pride and let his co-investors know the situation. This a prime example of why they should have had an agreement in place as to what would happen should one want to sell and the other doesn't.

It sounds like your DH has sensibly seen that handing over his money will not touch the sides of the BIL's mess of his own making.

I think he has done all he can. Say the offer to go through finances is there but there is no more he can doe, and step away and leave them to sort it out themselves.

Fluffytail1 · 04/07/2020 13:03

Don’t help him. He is a grown man. He had made his own decisions and choices in life. If they were continuously bad ones I fear this ‘loan’ will not be the end of it. Say to DH why don’t we ask the kids first if we should use their inheritance/college/uni fund to bail him
Out and never see it again? I think your hubby should have never agreed without talking to you first as you share finances. If he insists then say get a written agreement first on the understanding that if he fails to repay we will sue him. If he’s not prepared to do that then no bail out. You have to take care of your family not you BIL.

ChicCroissant · 04/07/2020 13:11

Good to hear that your DH came to his senses, OP - the situation sounds a bit worse than I was expecting, what was he thinking with the holiday?! Why should you pay for that!

Agree that he needs debt counselling rather than a financial advisor - and also agree with the people who said he needs to let the other property investors know to see if they can buy him out (which may not be likely if they have all lost money on it).

He (BIL) may go quiet out of embarassment now, the reality really seems to be kicking in for him. Is there still a chance that he might not lose his job?

back2good · 04/07/2020 13:24

Pissed away half of it to impress his friends that he could invest like they could.
£50k cars.
Kitchen remodel they are trying to pay off.
£16k on a yacht holiday?!?!

Remember the post last week asking how people could afford lives like this? Well here's the answer: many can't. They're in over their heads. And then put their hands out to extended family expecting to be bailed out rather than cut back their lifestyles.

I'm glad your DH held firm, OP. Don't let him 'help' ... it's a bottomless pit and your BIL already owes you both money.

FishyDuck · 04/07/2020 13:39

I have to say all this criticism of the BIL is excessive IMO. Yes, he has perhaps been leading a lifestyle he could not really afford. But once you become accustomed to a certain way of life, it is very difficult to cut back.

The OP's DH has the money available to lend so I would certainly give it to the BIL yo avoid him having to drastically cut costs in a way that could really damage his family's lifestyle and mental health.

Original poster
YeahWhatevver · 04/07/2020 13:47

FishyDuck

The lifestyle is obviously unsustainable, I could see your point if it would fix the issue but it's just kicking the issue down the road.

I really do believe that long term the best solution is for BIL to have a complete reset of their lifestyle and finances and start from a position that they can manage long term.

Added to that it's money that we have plans for, it's not like it's money that's sitting idle with no purpose.

OP posts:
haveyoutriedgoogle · 04/07/2020 13:52

@FishyDuck

I have to say all this criticism of the BIL is excessive IMO. Yes, he has perhaps been leading a lifestyle he could not really afford. But once you become accustomed to a certain way of life, it is very difficult to cut back.

The OP's DH has the money available to lend so I would certainly give it to the BIL yo avoid him having to drastically cut costs in a way that could really damage his family's lifestyle and mental health.

You cannot possibly think that the OP and her husband should sacrifice their future security (and their children’s) to bail out a man in part whose overspending includes a 16k charter yacht holiday? Or that it would actually fix things - the update makes it pretty clear that while it might keep them afloat for a few months, then they will be in exactly the situation they are now. Are you the BIL’s wife 🤨
wizzbangfizz · 04/07/2020 13:53

Why the hell should the OP have to subsidise her BIL living beyond his means Fishyduck?!

SIL needs to work more than 2 days a week, they need cheaper cars etc no way should be be given this money.

Mamadoll · 04/07/2020 13:53

Are you for fucking real @fishyduck ? Why should anyone be expected to finance a lavish lifestyle of those living outwith their means? I would love a sparkly new kitchen and a £16,000 holiday, would you like to fund those for me? I can't afford to buy them for myself at the moment but hey, surely I should still have them anyway.

Original poster
YeahWhatevver · 04/07/2020 13:54

🤣

Are you the BIL’s wife 🤨

OP posts:
Russellbrandshair · 04/07/2020 13:56

The OP's DH has the money available to lend so I would certainly give it to the BIL yo avoid him having to drastically cut costs in a way that could really damage his family's lifestyle and mental health

Totally agree. How selfish of the OPs husband to consider using that money for his kids future university fees or to buy them a house when it could be used to keep his spendthrift brother in yacht trips and brand new Lexus cars! Tut tut OP - you’re being very selfish with your own money!!! 😆😆😆

CuriousaboutSamphire · 04/07/2020 13:58

The OP's DH has the money available to lend so I would certainly give it to the BIL yo avoid him having to drastically cut costs in a way that could really damage his family's lifestyle and mental health. But it won't will it? It won't touch the sides of the debt BIL seems to have. Your best of intentions will make everyone's life worse! Pointless. Uninformed blather that won't help anyone, not OP, not her DH and least of all her BIL!

If 90K didn't clear it, if 2 years ran through what looks more like £200+K then all OPs cash will do is service repayments for a month or two.

With debts like that nobody should be asking family for cash as hthey will be 100% aware that it wil just be dropped into the financial abyss.

BIL needs what OP says her DH has tried to put in place - proper financial advice.

That's it. No other advice or support required!

tenlittlecygnets · 04/07/2020 14:02

What on Earth has Bil spent 90k on in two years??

I'd just say no. Say your savings are all tied up and you can't access them if you want to sweeten it, or tell him he has a bad record of repaying money and you don't trust him if you don't want to sweeten it. He has a bloody cheek.

tenlittlecygnets · 04/07/2020 14:03

Also, it's not his mum's money any more - it's your family money. Don't be guilted by bil.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 04/07/2020 14:03

The OP's DH has the money available to lend so I would certainly give it to the BIL yo avoid him having to drastically cut costs in a way that could really damage his family's lifestyle and mental health

LOL this has to be a wind up surely?

StuffThem · 04/07/2020 14:07

🤣 I hope @AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter

milcmxxx · 04/07/2020 14:11

If you never get this money paid back to you he has stolen it from your children’s future. Your BIL is bad with money, that’s not your problem. I’m with you 100%, you’re not being unreasonable

TheMaddHugger · 04/07/2020 14:12

because you don't solve money problems with money people get in money problems because of behaviors because of patterns because of a lack of planning and if you give them money without changing that it's going to get sucked up and they're gonna be right back where they were so you just wasted your money.Mar 27, 2018

,you%20just%20wasted%20your%20money.
Fluffycloudland77 · 04/07/2020 14:13

Those saying it will impact his mh, I’d like a Porsche please. It will impact my mental health if you don’t chip in.

WeAllHaveWings · 04/07/2020 14:13

The OP's DH has the money available to lend so I would certainly give it to the BIL yo avoid him having to drastically cut costs in a way that could really damage his family's lifestyle and mental health.

@FishyDuck, assuming this is not a wind up, the BIL chose not to have savings and the risk that goes with it and now needs to deal with the consequences of that decision.

Realistically he cannot afford to pay the OP's dh back. Why should the op's DH risk his savings he put aside for his own families future protection? Why put both families at risk for BIL's extravagant choices?

Ellie56 · 04/07/2020 14:14

I think @FishyDuck is the BIL/SIL too.

Get real!
Hmm

bridgetreilly · 04/07/2020 14:15

Yes, he has perhaps been leading a lifestyle he could not really afford. But once you become accustomed to a certain way of life, it is very difficult to cut back.

But he’s going to have to do that whether or not they lend him the money. £25k isn’t going to keep him in that lifestyle for long. It’s literally throwing good money after bad.