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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to say no to bailing BIL out?

578 replies

YeahWhatevver · 03/07/2020 13:31

Really struggling to work out what to do.

DH and BIL are relatively close. BIL has never been great with money, definitely lives for the moment. Has in the past had quite a bit of credit card debt and has previously struggled with managing his money. He has (had) a decent job BIL and SIL both work, though SIL is 2 days a week. They have 2 kids.

DH and BIL inherited just under 90k each about 2.5 years ago from their Mother's estate. Nothing was ever discussed about what they were planning to do with it, we put a lot of it into the mortgage or set it aside to put into the mortgage when our fixed term ends (want to a out early repayment fees) and have put some aside for our kids (first cars/bit ot money for college)

Looks like BIL spent most of his - none of our business it's his to use as he wants.

BIL is looking like he'll imminently lose his job. And called up DH asking of he has any of mum's inheritance left as he's in a bit of a spot a figure of £25k seems to have been banded about. Annoyingly DH said yes, we've got quite a bit in savings, so BIL knows we could if we wanted to

DH has previously "loaned" BIL money for it to never be returned fully.

Our family and BIL's family have similar incomes. So it's not like DH has got lucky while BIL has been dealt a bad hand in life.
BIL has a lot bigger house, 2 nice cars lots of personal finance

I can tell DH is protective of his brother and wants to help but I really want to just say no. We've made plans around this money, made sacrifices to be in the financial position we are now and I don't see why we should squander those plans to bail out someone who has failed to take responsibility for themselves.

Problem is, I can see this creating a huge rift.

WIBU to speak to BIL and say no?

OP posts:
saraclara · 03/07/2020 17:40

Also BIL hasn't even looked into what help he can get re: benefits, mortgage breaks, debt repayments, before coming cap in hand.

He needs to sort out the things under HIS control before approaching anyone for help. Someone earlier posted some really good links to debt repayments when you lose your job. That's the sort of thing he should be doing first. Martin Lewis's site is brilliant.

back2good · 03/07/2020 17:44

There would no way I'd give that money to him. And it would be 'giving', not lending, as you'll never see it again.

Your DH is crazy for even considering it. His brother is living well beyond his means, always has done by the sound of it, and now wants your money to continue to prop his life up. That would be a no. let him sell his house, return the expensive cars, and stop living like a millionaire when he spends beyond his salary and inheritance.

DDiva · 03/07/2020 17:44

He inherited 90k 2.5 years ago, has nothing to show for it and now needs to borrow 25k not a chance in hell.....

Ellisandra · 03/07/2020 17:54

Not in a million years.

If my sister lost her job, and my £25K would stop her life falling apart, yes.

If my £25K was simply going to go into the pocket of her creditors - no.

That is the reality. £25K that could keep you safe in a future spot, let you retire a year earlier, pay accommodation costs for one child’s entire university course... that £25K will - directly or indirectly - go into the pocket of the company financing their fancy kitchen.

I would say no even without them having burned through £90K - but when you add that too? Absolutely no fucking way.

Keep your money.

MumW · 03/07/2020 17:56

There's no way that I'd be saying yes. That momey has been put aside for th DC's future. My answer would be "it's been invested for the DC's education and isn't accessible" z job done.

You wouldn't be doing them any favours by supporting them to live beyond their means. I assume that they've always been bailed out by DMil before her death and now they are looking to you. If you bail them out now, they'll be back for more.

Rainbowshine · 03/07/2020 18:34

I’ll make it easy for your DH:

I checked about the savings. Seems we did a sensible thing and put the majority in a long term investment account as the idea was we would save for the kids for university etc. The small amount we kept back is our emergency fund. We’ve seen how much the current situation has impacted on you and so see how important having that safety net is for my family should something happen (such as redundancy or falling ill, we’re not immune to either happening to us). I I know I have been able to lend in the past and haven’t been pushy about getting repaid. On this occasion I cannot give not lend you money.

I appreciate things are tough, I did find some links that could help, and me and @YeahWhatevver could consider some babysitting if you need for going to job interviews and the like.

Rainbowshine · 03/07/2020 18:35

Give nor lend, sorry typo

whiteroseredrose · 03/07/2020 18:37

No from me too.

I hate the fact that he's assumed that he can just have his brother's money. Almost as if he deserves it.

If your money were in a 5 year fixed bond you cannot access it.

GabsAlot · 03/07/2020 18:38

wth did he spend the money on if everying is on finance

completely ridiculous-for starters he can get rid of one of the cars-look into remortgaging or equity before asking his brother

if you dont want a rift you should nt have to but jsut say its in isas and cant be touched

ArcheryAnnie · 03/07/2020 18:45

I do think it's fair to ask BIL, too, what he's already doing to bail himself out - talking to the mortgage company, selling a car, looking for alternative work, etc.

It's not right for him to ask you to sacrifice stuff from your end if he isn't prepared to put the work in at his end.

Hairdyehell · 03/07/2020 18:46

If I were in your shoes I would be happy to be the bad guy.

Your husband is probably more than aware that his brother is taking the piss but was put on the spot by your CF BIL.

By wording it as “Mum’s money” he is attempting to imply it’s still hers. It is no longer her money it is your husband’s (& yours by marriage).

Tell him to do one.

properjambon · 03/07/2020 18:54

They need to sell the big house and get a modest house, and get rid of the 2 cars for a couple of normal cars.

No way you'd see any of that back if his £90k went on existing debt.

Daftodil · 03/07/2020 19:05

Do you know what he did with his £90k? Is it possible that he has this in savings somewhere he doesn't want to touch so just wants your money because it is readily available? Or has he seriously spent £90k with nothing to show for it?

£25k is a lot of money. What does he need it for? Does he have gambling problems? £25k would pay my mortgage repayments for 3 years! I personally wouldn't want to be chucking good money after bad, but if your husband really wants to help his brother, is there a compromise that could be reached? Could you suggest you could lend him 2 or 3 months worth of mortgage repayments rather than £25k? I would strongly resist giving BIL money that you and DH have already said could benefit your DC in some way.

Original poster
YeahWhatevver · 03/07/2020 19:19

That's it, DH has just text him using Rainbowshine's text almost verbatim.

Thanks.

Let's see what comes back.... Hmm

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/07/2020 19:22

So glad DH has sent the text!

Rainbowshine · 03/07/2020 19:26

@YeahWhatevver glad it helped, I don’t see any issue with being transparent about not giving nor lending this time. Perhaps the awkwardness will make your DH think about his immediate responses to these situations a bit more!

ButteryPuffin · 03/07/2020 19:27

That's a good text. I would still expect push back but your position is reasonable and you can stick with that.

Starwind74 · 03/07/2020 19:27

As a PP said what did the inheritance go on? Ok so their not very prudent, but you’d think they would have Used it to buy the cars pay for kitchen etc, not had things on finance. Also could he not take any job he can get if he’s that strapped for cash, and or could his partner do more hours at her job. IMO he has some cheek .

wizzbangfizz · 03/07/2020 19:28

Glad he sent text OP I think it's really not on your are expected to fund an extravagant lifestyle that you yourself have not had via being prudent

DoubleTweenQueen · 03/07/2020 19:30

To be fair, sounds like his brother caught him out in a round about way. Glad you're on the same page, though.

saraclara · 03/07/2020 19:30

Well done to your DH, to you and to rainbowshine! And good luck

Noshowlomo · 03/07/2020 19:38

Good message @Rainbowshine sums it up perfectly. But I think he'll be asking how much you have in your own emergency fund soon!

FizzyGreenWater · 03/07/2020 20:01

Really good.

Good luck.

KaptainKaveman · 03/07/2020 20:05

Nice one OP. Don't forget to update the thread !

Ellie56 · 03/07/2020 20:19

That's fantastic OP.