WIBU to say no to bailing BIL out?

[YeahWhatevver]

Really struggling to work out what to do.

DH and BIL are relatively close. BIL has never been great with money, definitely lives for the moment. Has in the past had quite a bit of credit card debt and has previously struggled with managing his money. He has (had) a decent job BIL and SIL both work, though SIL is 2 days a week. They have 2 kids.

DH and BIL inherited just under 90k each about 2.5 years ago from their Mother's estate. Nothing was ever discussed about what they were planning to do with it, we put a lot of it into the mortgage or set it aside to put into the mortgage when our fixed term ends (want to a out early repayment fees) and have put some aside for our kids (first cars/bit ot money for college)

Looks like BIL spent most of his - none of our business it's his to use as he wants.

BIL is looking like he'll imminently lose his job. And called up DH asking of he has any of mum's inheritance left as he's in a bit of a spot a figure of £25k seems to have been banded about. Annoyingly DH said yes, we've got quite a bit in savings, so BIL knows we could if we wanted to

DH has previously "loaned" BIL money for it to never be returned fully.

Our family and BIL's family have similar incomes. So it's not like DH has got lucky while BIL has been dealt a bad hand in life.
BIL has a lot bigger house, 2 nice cars lots of personal finance

I can tell DH is protective of his brother and wants to help but I really want to just say no. We've made plans around this money, made sacrifices to be in the financial position we are now and I don't see why we should squander those plans to bail out someone who has failed to take responsibility for themselves.

Problem is, I can see this creating a huge rift.

WIBU to speak to BIL and say no?

Well done op

That's a good text- clear and to the point. Now you need to stay strong!

It's about time his brother sorted his own finances out. If your husband says no then he will have to learn how to dig himself out of it. I would be intrigued what the 25k is for. If they have been on extravagant holidays etc over the past year or so then I would defo say no. Sounds like he is living above his means.
I used to love like your husbands brother and it is only when no one will bail you out that you start to take responsibility for your own decisions. He can sell a car if need be!

Also what happens if you or your husband lose your jobs? You need that for your own emergencies.

well done OP

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@Rainbowshine
Super text.

OP, well done for sending it.
Well done to your DH for being wise.

Money is hard saved, and accumulated.

There is absolutely NO shame in having made substantial sacrifices to feel the safety net of savings,....to not feel like handing this money over to family whom live extravagantly.......

Absolutely NOT👍

Well done. Hopefully that will be the end of it and you and your DH can offer practical and emotional support but you've made it clear you cannot support them financially. They can't argue with that.

Ahhh, well done to you and your husband OP, you've done the right thing and looked after your money properly and shouldn't now have to go without anyway because someone else hasn't

I know DH has already sent the text. In his shoes, I'd be tempted to give a token sum, such as £2000 to keep the peace, saying that's all the savings I have.

@calmcoolandcollected why? That would just egg on the brother to ask for more.

As I posted, to keep family peace. Yes, the brother has been irresponsible, but he is losing his job. Even if he's irresponsible, that would be incredibly stressful. I would just do it because it's my sibling. But I would not hand over more than a token amount.

@calmcoolandcollected I doubt that would work anyway. If there’s peace to be kept - I.e. he’s such an arse as to kick off at not being given £25K - then he’ll just find £2K unacceptable and kick off anyway.

All debts can be dealt with. There are multiple options, from downsizing to DMPs. This family do not need temporary cash flow, they need an entire lifestyle overhaul - if the BIL is in aviation.

@calmcoolandcollected

But they've already given token amounts. The brother has clearly had money problems for a long time, despite earning enough to fund a normal lifestyle. He has chosen to pile on the debt to keep up a lifestyle beyond his means. A token amount which is going straight into the pocket of his debtors whilst not fixing the problem (which is his lifestyle) is a waste of everyone time and money.

At some point, you have to realise that spending like that is an addiction. When you have an addict in the family, you dont keep giving them more. Family relations dont matter; you need to let them hit rock bottom before they will change their lifestyle.

They need to let the brother lose his house if that's what it takes.

@calmcoolandcollected I also think that it profligate BIL was bothered about family peace, he’d have been sure to pay back the money borrowed previously. He bit the hand that fed. What kind of entitled arse inherits £90K and doesn’t pay back what he owes his brother? The hell would I give him £2K.

Great text, offering practical support is a really good idea. Constructive, yet means you’re able to actually help if needed.

As everyone else has said, absolutely not. More fool him for living so far beyond his means. The text excuse was perfect.

What a horrible situation to put you in. I feel like you'd never see that 25k again either. The text was spot on. Hopefully they'll take it reasonably well. Hopefully they can sell off some assets and get some sort of package?

What a horrible situation to put you in. I feel like you'd never see that 25k again either. The text was spot on. Hopefully they'll take it reasonably well. Hopefully they can sell off some assets and get some sort of package?

I’m glad you weren’t made the fall guy, it would have soured your relationship with your bil then you’d feel resentful about your dh doing that to you. I hope he accepts your DH’s response gracefully.

So I'm not normally a proponent of learning buckets of money to people. But I think a DB is a special case/ he is in a sticky situation and I think there is a certain brotherly obligation to help out where possible.

Given that your DH has the money, I think it would do him no harm to help out. I can understand the argument about him not making unilateral decisions over family finances, but I would say the money is effectively his given that it came from a member of his family as an inheritance.

I think it's a little controlling to dictate to him how he can and can't spend an inheritance that was given to him.

@Fishyduck you have got to be kidding. This man who is so poor with money, he's blown 90k in 2.5 years and now feels perfectly happy asking for another 25k, from his brothers inheritance, with absolutely no guarantee he'll ever be in a position to repay it... They would never see a penny of it again.

I'd say no, to. It's not like he's in a temporary oops fix and you have your own financial obligations. Plus, it's not like his 90k was a piddling amount. Dh inherited less than 10% of that from his parents.

@FishyDuck

So I'm not normally a proponent of learning buckets of money to people. But I think a DB is a special case/ he is in a sticky situation and I think there is a certain brotherly obligation to help out where possible.

Given that your DH has the money, I think it would do him no harm to help out. I can understand the argument about him not making unilateral decisions over family finances, but I would say the money is effectively his given that it came from a member of his family as an inheritance.

I think it's a little controlling to dictate to him how he can and can't spend an inheritance that was given to him.

Giving money to someone who is effectively going to fritter that money away and return for more isn't actually "helping him out". And it will only stave off the inevitable for a short while.

BIL needs to learn to be financially responsible, and bailing people out rarely achieves this, because they just come back for more.

The best help for BIL is to not lend money, but help him to sort out his finances for the long term. He'll need to downsize, both the house and transport, work out where he's gonig to cut costs, etc.

I reckon, though, that BIL will push back, and try to guilt trip OP/her DH into giving him the money (it won't be lending, becauhse he'll never pay it back).

Lots of disbelief about the 90k in 2.5 years (me included when I heard!)

Well that's what dh earns in 2.5 years, as a software developer. I can imagine spending that amount but if we inherited that, we'd clear 3/4 of our mortgage.

He's being a CF