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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I cruel to deny a 10 year old a smart phone

124 replies

dairyfairies · 03/07/2020 11:00

I really need some perspective. All of DD's friends seem to have a smart phone. I really don't know what's 'normal' at 10 but DD doesn't have one. I also have a teen with complex SN who doesn't have a phone.

Anyhow DD (10) is crying daily. She has been out in the street again and saw a few friends and apparently, all friends chat via whatsapp, do tiktok (I wouldn't let her on there in any case), play games on Roblox etc.

DDs tablet broke during lockdown and she can only use the family laptop in the late evening - I use it to WFH for the time being.

DD is really 'heartbroken' about me denying her what all her friends have (her words, not mine).

Am I really cruel or out of touch by not letting DD have a smart phone or a tablet to be on WhatsApp/tiktok/gaming stuff?

Because DC1 has so complex needs and is totally different, I really haven't got a good feel for what is the norm these days. I any case, as a lone parent on a very small part time job due to DC1's complex needs, money is incredibly tight and I couldn't afford a phone or new tablet right now in any case but might be able to save up for one if we really cut some corners. Just don't think it is needed.

I really could do with some perspective.

Aibu - yes, save up for a phone
Yanbu - sod the phone. This can wait a few more years

OP posts:
vanillandhoney · 03/07/2020 11:02

I would at least make sure she has a tablet, yes. She must be feeling very left out.

Kapalika · 03/07/2020 11:04

I would try and source a cheaper tablet. Amazon one?

Thurmanmurman · 03/07/2020 11:04

I'd let her have one at that age, especially if she goes out with friends so you can get in touch.

CorianderLord · 03/07/2020 11:04

Not cruel. Smart. Children commit suicide frequently because of cyberbullying/ grooming/ harassment online. A 10 year old is not able to cope with a globe full of people

Invisimamma · 03/07/2020 11:04

We always said we would wait until secondary school for a phone, but at the beginning of lockdown my ds9 was so lonely and isolated we gave him one of our old phones to keep in touch with his friends. It made a big difference to his mood and happiness to easily touch base with friends.

He isn't allowed games on it (he has ps4 and a tablet for that). He also doesn't have any data outside of the house, he needs to use the WiFi at home. I feel its a good compromise.

We take it out of his room at night too.

Mrsjayy · 03/07/2020 11:04

My eldest is 27 and she was one of the last to get a phone even back then she was 12 ! I don't think you are cruel as such but her friends will be able to message or phone and she will be missing out on the socialising. Could she ask for a phone for Christmas ?

RedskyAtnight · 03/07/2020 11:06

If there is a lot of socialising over WhatsApp then she's going to be very left out without her own phone. Why not buy a cheap second hand one? Then if she shows she can use it sensibly she can have a better one (at some undisclosed time in the future). If she's playing out, it's probably useful for her to have some sort of phone anyway - then at least she can let you know where she is/start to build some sort of independence.

ThePlantsitter · 03/07/2020 11:07

We caved recently (DD is 11 in year 6) and I'm wishing we hadn't. It has opened up a whole new level of friendship drama and there is no going back really.

SisyphusAndTheRockOfUntidiness · 03/07/2020 11:07

I would get her a (cheaper) tablet. IMHO, 10 is too young for a smartphone. Sorry if I missed it but does she have a basic phone that can just do calls & texts?

Original poster
dairyfairies · 03/07/2020 11:08

Could she ask for a phone for Christmas ?

I could possibly save up for one by Xmas but it is July and no school.

I will see what I can do. It's just so hard understanding what is right sometimes. Due to DC1 we don't have friends and are very isolated. I am not in touch with the real world much if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
dairyfairies · 03/07/2020 11:09

Sorry if I missed it but does she have a basic phone that can just do calls & texts?

yes, she has an old Motorola. dumb phone but she says it's embarrassing and she cannot access any of the platforms her friends do.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 03/07/2020 11:09

A second hand one is a good idea it doesn't need to be fancy and with pp suggestions of letting her just use the wifi and monitoring her on her phone she should be fine. I don't think you should give in to demanding though make our its your idea!

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 03/07/2020 11:10

DD9 was given a phone at the start of lockdown. They are right, that it enables them to keep in contact with their friend. I would say a smart phone is better too as a basic text / call phone relies on her friends having credit.

Idontbelieveit12 · 03/07/2020 11:10

Cheap amazon tablet. Don’t get a phone yet

MazDazzle · 03/07/2020 11:16

While I think you’ve been wise to shield her from the trouble that comes with having access to the internet, she’s getting towards the age now where it sounds like she’ll be left behind if she isn’t able to keep in touch with friends online. We were quite lucky in that none of my DD’s friends had phones, so there wasn’t any pressure.

We have a family tablet that everyone shares. DD plays roblox on that. It stays downstairs and no screens are allowed upstairs.

We gave her her first phone (an old iPhone of her Dad’s) just before she turned 11 as she was going away for the weekend without parents. Since then, we bought her a second hand iPhone (she’s now 12). She has no social media accounts and only uses it for WhatsApp/FaceTime. I know the passcode and check through it regularly.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 03/07/2020 11:16

It sounds that having a sibling with additional needs is already impacting her life as it is (Please don't think this is a criticism, just a fact that faces siblings in this situation).

Having a means to establish her friendship group outside of the home would be massively beneficial to her.

With regards a point a previous poster made about cyber bullying, it's entirely possible to give a smart phone to a 10yp and impose restrictions.

No taking the phone to bed. No using the phone at mealtimes. Mum must know passwords. There's an agreement that mum can (and will) check messages whenever she feels like it etc.

runninguphills · 03/07/2020 11:19

My 13 and 11 year old have a phone. There's a huge social network out there which has been vital during the lockdown. They are school working and supporting each together via whatsapp/facetime. My 8 year old doesn't have one.

I'm not a huge fan of children having phones but I think that your daughter will miss out from her social group

Valambtine · 03/07/2020 11:20

DD just got a phone for her tenth
She would have had one for walking to school next year but we brought it forward a bit because of lockdown. She has tiktok but strict rules (friends only, no showing her face, I must be her friend) and she is abiding by those. She mostly whatsapps with friends and I think it helps her stay connected just now.

DefConOne · 03/07/2020 11:21

We had planned to get a phone just before year 7 but ended up getting one for our 9 year old in year 5. I ordered the day before the schools shut in March. It’s been great for allowing her to stay in contact with friends and family. She hands the phone in at bedtime. We haven’t had any issues with it. It was a difficult decision but the last few months have been shit for kids and the phone made life more bearable for her.

gingercat02 · 03/07/2020 11:26

We got ds an iPhone 5 from music magpie for his 10th birthday, he has an id mobile contract for £5 per month for 1gb data and unlimited calls snd texts.
He was genuinely one of the last in his year (late July birthday) to have a phone. We got it because he was starting to be out more on his own.
It was totally refurbished and is still going strong 2 years later.
Hes only on What'sApp as far as SM goes but he has various other football apps.
Luckily he isn't bothered about it being an ancient model, but he does also have an iPad so his phone is really only for when he is out .

Original poster
dairyfairies · 03/07/2020 11:28

It sounds that having a sibling with additional needs is already impacting her life as it is (Please don't think this is a criticism, just a fact that faces siblings in this situation).

it has a profound impact on all of us - mentally, emotionally, financially, it causes isolation... her dad left because he couldn't do the SN thing. But it is what it is and I really wish things would be different. For both DC and also for me. But it's not and I cannot change the parameters within which we have to operate (this includes finances which don't allow a phone or tablet on the whim purchase).

Maybe I should just swap phone with her. I have a laptop and even though a smartphone makes my life easier, I can survive without.

OP posts:
Enchantmentz · 03/07/2020 11:38

I second replacing the tablet, amazon do interest free pay plan on their latest kindle fire. Works out at around £30pm. I did this when lockdown happened and dd's old outdated tablet died so decided to upgrade.

My dd is 10 and she doesn't expect a phone yet, she is asd and misses her friends but not to the extent of wanting to contact them, I wouldn't get her one anyway as it is too much for what she would use it for. I think it really depends on the child but I would expect an independent teen to have a phone.

You can put whatsapp web onto the laptop in the evening but it means it would be your number/whatsapp. So it depends if you mind that. Can she do houseparty on laptop? You can restrict the settings so the room is always locked and is by invitation/acceptance only, plus switch off notifications as they are annoying.

OverTheRainbow88 · 03/07/2020 11:40

I would say you aren’t being cruel, You are being responsible.

Being cruel in my mind would be a neglectful and unloving parent, which you clearly are not.

vanillandhoney · 03/07/2020 11:43

No, don't give her your phone. She doesn't need a phone at 10yo.

But I do think it would be worthwhile getting her a tablet. It doesn't have to be fancy - Amazon ones are often less than £50 and will have all the apps that an iPad has.

ErickBroch · 03/07/2020 11:44

I just think you need to listen to her and try to understand that she is significantly missing out on a lot of things. She will likely lose touch with friend groups without access to instant messaging as kids don't text anymore - so if she can't use whatsapp then i am not sure how they'll communicate?

My brother is 10 and he has an old iphone that he just uses for the camera to take pics of pets and also has whatsapp for his friends. We always check it and they just chat about games.