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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I cruel to deny a 10 year old a smart phone

124 replies

dairyfairies · 03/07/2020 11:00

I really need some perspective. All of DD's friends seem to have a smart phone. I really don't know what's 'normal' at 10 but DD doesn't have one. I also have a teen with complex SN who doesn't have a phone.

Anyhow DD (10) is crying daily. She has been out in the street again and saw a few friends and apparently, all friends chat via whatsapp, do tiktok (I wouldn't let her on there in any case), play games on Roblox etc.

DDs tablet broke during lockdown and she can only use the family laptop in the late evening - I use it to WFH for the time being.

DD is really 'heartbroken' about me denying her what all her friends have (her words, not mine).

Am I really cruel or out of touch by not letting DD have a smart phone or a tablet to be on WhatsApp/tiktok/gaming stuff?

Because DC1 has so complex needs and is totally different, I really haven't got a good feel for what is the norm these days. I any case, as a lone parent on a very small part time job due to DC1's complex needs, money is incredibly tight and I couldn't afford a phone or new tablet right now in any case but might be able to save up for one if we really cut some corners. Just don't think it is needed.

I really could do with some perspective.

Aibu - yes, save up for a phone
Yanbu - sod the phone. This can wait a few more years

OP posts:
OverTheRainbow88 · 03/07/2020 11:47

Just another point... as a tutor to a year 7 class for the passed 9 years I can tell you know most the daily issues I have to deal with have started on social media through the use of a smart phone!

Original poster
dairyfairies · 03/07/2020 11:49

*if she can't use whatsapp then i am not sure how they'll communicate?

she sees her friends when playing in the street.

OP posts:
sirfredfredgeorge · 03/07/2020 11:49

A tablet and a phone are equivalent, there's really no point in saying one is appropriate and another not, they do all the same things and have all the same risks, only one is bulky and inconvenient to carry around.

Idontknowwhattodo01 · 03/07/2020 11:51

Do not give her a phone. I say this as parent to a 15 year old now and if I could go back and delay the phone thing, I one billion percent cent would.

Emeeno1 · 03/07/2020 11:51

No. Read these comments through, the pressure even from parents to get a smart phone for a child so that a child doesn't miss out is a warning sign.

There was a news item the other day about a man in China who had to walk many miles to visit his family because he didn't have a smart phone and so could not prove his movement to a track and trace ap and therefore use public transport.

Where exactly are we heading?

AudacityOfHope · 03/07/2020 11:52

Get her a Monqi from Tesco. You get to approve all apps and can lock it at certain times etc.

We got one for DD for the same reason; she was being left out of lots of chats and games, etc. I wasn't thrilled about it tbh but it's never caused any issues. The deal is I can check her messages any time I want, and on the Monqi app you can see her history.

SeasideArms · 03/07/2020 11:54

We've just given 11 year old DD an iPhone. She already had a tablet and could FaceTime some friends and play Roblox. However, being able to WhatsApp has enabled her to keep in touch with more friends. In lockdown I think it's beneficial.
Could you look for a cheap second hand smart phone? We were lucky and DD had a family hand me down, but there are reasonable second hand phones out there. DD's is pretty old (so is mine, to be fair!), but she's perfectly happy with it!

Glittertwins · 03/07/2020 11:54

Our two were given hand me down iPhones in the January of them being in year 6 as they were walking to and from school by themselves and were in different classes.

I won't deny there were WhatsApp issues and some real nasty things said about them (and me because I was careful about security etc) on there but we used that as examples of what to ignore and disengage from / block etc. Fortunately the majority of those kids are not at their secondary school and we've not had anywhere near as many problems in year 7.

With all this lockdown thing, their phones have been a lifeline to staying in touch with their friends.

Mrsjayy · 03/07/2020 11:55

Where exactly are we heading?

Conspiracyville clearly

SeasideArms · 03/07/2020 11:58

I quite agree that it's a worrying phenomenon, but phones and tech are here to stay - they're part of life. I see as something else that I need to educate my children about. I have a responsibility to do that. Though it can be a scary prospect.

Dahlietta · 03/07/2020 11:59

Is this a lockdown issue to an extent? Crying about it daily seems extreme, but then my DC have been fairly extreme the last couple of months too and all sorts of bizarre things are the end of the world.

In addition, I would imagine that lockdown is compounding the desire for a phone because children have far more time to spend on them than they do normally.
So it's difficult to know what to do. My instinct is to stick to your guns, especially if you can't really afford one anyway.

Gobbycop · 03/07/2020 11:59

The longer you can keep a child away from a screen the better in my opinion.
They're like crack, I myself look at my phone far too much.

If she's out and about though I think from a safety point of view a basic phone to call and text is a good idea.

Iwalkinmyclothing · 03/07/2020 12:00

I'd get her a tablet. So much of their lives is online these days, especially with the current situation.

You can get a functional android tablet for less than £50 (Argos has a 7 inch 16GB Alba for £45 atm.) You can get reconditioned bigger brand higher spec ones for not much more.

the pressure even from parents to get a smart phone for a child so that a child doesn't miss out is a warning sign

No, it is parents who appreciate that the isolation and exclusion that comes from parents refusing top allow children to access things that everyone else accesses can have some significant negative effects.

LlamaofDrama · 03/07/2020 12:04

My DD is 10, Y5, and would love a phone. She has a tablet but with very restricted use for contacting people. She can SMS to two friends, her grandmother and DH and I. Other than that, she uses it for games and you tube and researching ever more obscure pets!

I said no to Tik Tok, I looked into it and the behind the scenes stuff is dodgy, it's not just about who can contact the kids/ what they can see which has the capacity to be bad enough. Yes, she'd like it, yes her friends have got it, no that doesn't change my mind. She'll get a smart phone at Christmas, but we're not sure about what's app. I've heard a lot of horror stories about the sheer volume of chat from endless huge groups that becomes overwhelming, even before you get to bullying. So she might not have that immediately.

It is hard right now, they are isolated and it is a very difficult time. However, I wonder whether a child who is struggling with feeling left out because they don't have a phone might also struggle to handle issues that come with that phone?

wonkylegs · 03/07/2020 12:04

It's hard - it's not been a usual year.
My usual feeling is no phones until secondary and then still will lots of restrictions on their use. Although they are fun, they are expensive and can bring lots of problems alongside the solutions they provide
Our DS got one at Christmas (he's 12 & in yr 7) he's not allowed on lots of the things his friends are but I explain why and we stick rigidly to the age limits - he doesn't always like it but he's not really missed out and I make an effort to make sure he stays in touch in ways that he is allowed to do.
However we've not had to isolate them from their peers for so long before so it's hard. As things are easing off I would try to arrange some socially distant hangouts in the garden or park so she can catch up. Let her phone people for a chat or even try to get her into letter writing - my kids have done quite a bit of this over the past few months as their grandparents & some friends don't have smart phones.
I think even the most patient of personalities is fraying at the moment so being called cruel / unreasonable/mean is more common than usual.
I wouldn't stretch your finances if you can't afford it, too many of DSs peers parents have done this and it's not a good solution, think of other solutions that give her some contact.
After all it's the contact she craves the most, the phone is just one means to an end.

laudete · 03/07/2020 12:05

I would save up for a second-hand refurb. Go for something cheap so you can reach your saving goal faster? Everyone uses WhatsApp, these days - it has pretty much replaced text messages and most emails. Obviously, a cheap smartphone will have limited gaming capability but that's not as important as being able to communicate with friends. (Or, in my case, work. Even my work colleagues use WhatsApp.) TikTok and YouTube should run on any smartphone but I just despise TikTok so I'd suggest you block it. Don't forget to set up parenting controls on whatever phone you buy. x

RuthW · 03/07/2020 12:06

Yes I think you are. Sorry.

vanillandhoney · 03/07/2020 12:50

@dairyfairies

*if she can't use whatsapp then i am not sure how they'll communicate?

she sees her friends when playing in the street.

But what about the rest of the time?
darkcaramel · 03/07/2020 12:51

I’d get her a phone.

Bluewavescrashing · 03/07/2020 12:53

My DD is nearly 10 and shows no interest in a phone. I'm very relieved tbh. She has access to our desktop PC, xbox one in the lounge, a laptop and is getting a switch lite for her birthday. Some of her friends have phones and use WhatsApp and tiktok but she's not remotely interested. Long may it last!

TeenPlusTwenties · 03/07/2020 12:54

You can

  • buy second hand
  • not enable data, but bung some games on there
  • do PAYG to limit use
  • block undesirable sites
darkcaramel · 03/07/2020 12:56

I wouldn’t be relieved to be honest blue, although I do know where you’re coming from!

But generally speaking it’s a positive sign when a child is showing an interest in social interactions with friends and I am the first to agree they need directions and guidance into how to do this properly. But completely ignoring it, either through the child’s own choice or because the parent decides no phone isn’t a positive to me (I’m assuming dd is NT, apologies if not.)

chipsandpeas · 03/07/2020 12:57

see if any of your friends or family are going to be upgrading soon and see if they will sell you their old phone a bit cheaper

Mittens030869 · 03/07/2020 12:58

What I’ve done is give my DD1 (11) my old iPhone, without a SIM. It’s connected to my account, so I can monitor what she’s up to. DD2 (8) is allowed to use it too; I’ve said that when she starts high school, she’ll be allowed a SIM card.

It’s a minefield, though. I discovered a few months ago that DD2 (then 7) was being groomed online; I was alerted when she started speaking about ‘online boyfriends’. I hadn’t realised that there was a chatroom connected to roblox. I’ve changed the settings so they can no longer use it.

Thingsdogetbetter · 03/07/2020 12:59

Have you seen evidence that ALL her friends have smartphones with all the latest apps, or just her word for it?

I used the "All my friends have xxxx" and "all my friends are allowed xxx" reason too (back in the 70s numerous times). All kids do. My parents never fell for it. And I was always lying. Always!