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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I cruel to deny a 10 year old a smart phone

124 replies

dairyfairies · 03/07/2020 11:00

I really need some perspective. All of DD's friends seem to have a smart phone. I really don't know what's 'normal' at 10 but DD doesn't have one. I also have a teen with complex SN who doesn't have a phone.

Anyhow DD (10) is crying daily. She has been out in the street again and saw a few friends and apparently, all friends chat via whatsapp, do tiktok (I wouldn't let her on there in any case), play games on Roblox etc.

DDs tablet broke during lockdown and she can only use the family laptop in the late evening - I use it to WFH for the time being.

DD is really 'heartbroken' about me denying her what all her friends have (her words, not mine).

Am I really cruel or out of touch by not letting DD have a smart phone or a tablet to be on WhatsApp/tiktok/gaming stuff?

Because DC1 has so complex needs and is totally different, I really haven't got a good feel for what is the norm these days. I any case, as a lone parent on a very small part time job due to DC1's complex needs, money is incredibly tight and I couldn't afford a phone or new tablet right now in any case but might be able to save up for one if we really cut some corners. Just don't think it is needed.

I really could do with some perspective.

Aibu - yes, save up for a phone
Yanbu - sod the phone. This can wait a few more years

OP posts:

Sailorsgirl44 · 03/07/2020 20:35

I'm in Ireland and there is a well known child psychologist here called David Coleman who says the right age to give your child a smartphone is when you are okay with them seeing porn.
My eldest is 9 and she'll get a phone when she starts secondary at age 13. She'll pay for half of it so that she appreciates the value of it. I do let her borrow my phone some evenings for a while to message her best friend. At this time none of her friends have phones.

DoubleDeckerBusRideLover · 03/07/2020 20:38

Both my children waited till they were fourteen (not that they were pleased).

LellyMcKelly · 03/07/2020 20:40

I got my DS his first phone the Christmas of year 6. He was only 10 but almost all his friends had one. This is how her friends communicate over lockdown and she will be missing out. Mine use theirs for homework, chatting (I’ve got to know quite a few of their friends over video that I’d never even heard of before), games, etc. They know I have full access to their phones and that it’s part of the deal as long as I am paying for their phones.

OlivetheTree · 03/07/2020 21:00

No, you are not cruel. Could you let her use whatsapp on your phone? Thats what DD (10) and her friends have done during the lockdown. None of them have phones. We also have a shared kindle fire, and she has very recently got an email address for when she is on the laptop working.

orangesandapplesandpearsohmy · 03/07/2020 23:30

DS 10 uses my phone or the family iPad. He won’t be getting a phone til start of secondary.

orangesandapplesandpearsohmy · 03/07/2020 23:33

The kids he knows who have phones with SIM cards in at this age don’t have parents who I would consider to be the sensible ones. They either have a good reason like separated from each other and poor communication between the parents or they’re a bit lax/lazy/taking the easy way out.

Mummyshark2019 · 03/07/2020 23:35

God no! I won't be giving in to getting a phone for mine at that age. There's way too much trouble that comes with that stuff. Social media, tiktok and all that crap can really damage a child.

Mummyshark2019 · 03/07/2020 23:37

Mine uses my phone for what's app video calls to keep in touch with friends but I would not hand over a phone for their own personal use, no....

Wincher · 03/07/2020 23:47

This is an interesting read, my eldest is nearly 10 (summer born year 5). He’s not asking for a phone yet but several of his friends have had one as a 10th birthday present during lockdown and I worry he is being left out of socialising. However I still think it will be good if we can keep it until his next birthday when he will be nearly starting secondary. Plus until this year his school had a rule that year 6s could bring phones and hand them in at the office each day, but now they have said phones aren’t to be brought to school at all.

doorbellringer · 03/07/2020 23:50

@dairyfairies

I have PM-ed you xx

coronabeer23 · 03/07/2020 23:57

It hasn’t occurred to me to get my 10 year old a phone. He has a tablet and spends more than enough time on that playing roblox, watching rubbish on YouTube and making Tik toks. The last thing he needs is a phone.

Whatsapp / snapchat / insta are a nightmare for them to get nasty to each other. I’m limiting where I can.

Getitdonesharpish · 03/07/2020 23:59

You’re not being cruel at all. We got DS a phone at the start of lockdown as we felt it would be good for him to communicate. Fortunately he is totally disinterested in it. In fact he doesn’t even know where it is now. The Whatsapp group is just a load of nonsense and occasional sniping. I can’t see that it holds any value communication wise. From looking at the communication they do have it seems like very few of them are emotionally mature enough to navigate it all. DS’s best friend still doesn’t have a phone and it’s not been an issue. He isn’t left out as a result.

Sparticuscaticus · 04/07/2020 00:06

@dairyfairies

You're not being cruel but you are making her life more difficult than it needs to be.

if you read my OP you would have understand that this isn't entirely choice. Bringing up a severely disabled child as lone parent comes with the added side effect that you are poor. And not buying a phone is not only a conscious choice but also largely dictated by finances. It's not my fault but thank you for rubbing it in.

Sparticuscaticus she has been walking to school and back since she has been 8. She has a Motorola dumb phone. and right now, she is at home anyways.

Hmmm bit confusing reading this as you tagged me in the post at the end, but the first bit you quoted was from another poster not me. I didn't call you cruel in the comment I made, I just talked about when most pupils round here get one and how DC could use your WhatsApp to keep in contact with her friends until then.

You've asked in AIBU if you were cruel not to give DC age a smart phone , then clarified later that you can't afford one, so it's a moot point then isn't it?

But between 10-11 is the age DCs usually do get given smart phones, so I suggested you start looking and planning when is cheapest to buy one maybe Black Friday deals if money is the issue. As I pointed out, our secondary schools use apps on smart phone for timetable that pupils need to use during day (as well as important school messages & homework setting) for the pupils, so it becomes pretty essential kit when they go into Yr7 - as well as all the arranging with friends that they end up doing. Social media is a minefield, only you know when she'll be ready- and I suggested how t set some major limits.

It's great she was walking to school on her own from age 8 (Yr 4?) , must be a nice safe route, and that she already has a phone for emergencies. I am aware most pupils haven't been going to school right now (!) . It has been important for DCs to keep in touch with each other. I'm not sure what your question was for, if not to collect a range of views.

ColdCottage · 04/07/2020 00:28

I've only read the op but I wouldn't let a 10 yo have smart phone. I have a number for friends who have had their children (all daughters) bullied online.

An old school Nokia type phone for calls and texts is fine. Then access to a computer or tablet with supervision for anything else.

It may seem harsh to her but you are saving her more pain and metal angst this way.

She can't be bullied from afar in her own bedroom this way.

Iggii · 04/07/2020 00:35

Cheapest payg smartphone in tesco right now is £34.99
Its lockdown, she must feel massively left out to not even have a tablet she can use.

Iggii · 04/07/2020 00:36

(Don't need to put any money on it just connect to wifi)

SE13Mummy · 04/07/2020 01:00

YANBU but everything feels unreasonable to a 10-yr-old who feels left out. It's a shame your DD's tablet broke because she may well have been using that to keep in touch with friends, watch Tiktok videos etc and so the loss of that contact may feel extra hard.

My DDs are 15 and 11. They do both have smartphones but at 10 they had not-very-smartphones such as the EE Rook or an Alcatel thing. I removed the internet and the ability to download apps without a password I'd set as well as requiring the phone to be downstairs/with me at least an hour before bedtime. They both had WhatsApp on those phones and it felt very useful to be able to train them up on how to communicate using that whilst they were still at primary school. They didn't have any other games or social media.

DD2 will start Y7 in September and was given an eBay iPhone for her birthday a couple of weeks ago. It's an old SE and cost me £32. It's on a £1 week top up with EE which gives a bonus allowance every 12 weeks. DD1 had the same and has built up lots of data etc over the years. She's thrilled with the new-to-her phone and I'm pleased she now has a phone that consistently works. Restrictions are the same as before and it's locked down so she can spend a maximum of an hour on it over the course of the day. Her schoolfriends are very keen on Tiktok whereas she's not, by being in a WhatsApp group with classmates she is able to keep up with the conversation even if she isn't an active participant.

If you're able to get the tablet fixed, it sounds as though that may make life easier for you and your DD but I've no idea how much that sort of thing costs. Perhaps posting on a local Facebook group might help - ask if anyone would be willing to have a look at the tablet free of charge and let you know if it's repairable? A generous local may well be able to help out and I do think lots of people feel they want to help others at the moment. Tablet-fixing skills may be something someone can offer whereas they're not into dog walking, food parcel compiling etc.

SwelteringInTheHeat · 04/07/2020 03:44

I don’t think anybody’s mentioned yet that WhatsApp has an age limit of 13. IMO, a 10 year old doesn’t need to be on WhatsApp, Instagram or TikTok or any other social media. I don’t even believe a primary aged child needs a phone at all.

Obviously, other people have different views and rules. It won’t kill a child not to have what all their friends do.

FortunesFave · 04/07/2020 03:50

Someone on here must have an old smartphone they could give to the OP! If I did I would.

ProfessorLayton1 · 04/07/2020 07:09

Dd turning 12 next week, does not have a smartphone. She has use to family tablet but getting one for her birthday next week as she has been doing the school work on family iPad for the last 3 months.
If not for the lockdown she would not be getting that but sharing the family iPad.

Life is a lot easier, I know her friends spend a lot of time on tik tok videos, WhatsApp etc.,
There has been bullying, nasty comments and these issues were raised by parents.

Dd 19 - did not have smartphone till she was 14 - old fashioned Samsung, the phone was left in our bedroom to charge at 9:00 pm and was taken by her in the morning when she left to school.

I agree with the pp who said that we are saving pain and mental angst by not giving smartphone early in their life.

anon444877 · 04/07/2020 10:14

In general when the time comes there are charities refurbishing IT (laptops, tablets, phones) for people on low incomes and to avoid landfill, so please donate to them and buy from them.

Goingdownto · 04/07/2020 11:15

I prefer to introduce my dc to phones while they are still at an age when I can set up all the restrictions and ask to check it randomly. If they never have one, what do you do when they buy one with their own money at 15/16 and you have no idea?

IndecentFeminist · 04/07/2020 11:17

My same aged daughter doesn't have a phone, we've said she can have one for high school. I have set up a chat for her on my WhatsApp, a couple of her friends have their own phones but the majority use their parents. Could you create a chat for her?

We have also allows a family tiktok as of last week, again on my phone with all settings locked down.

SeasideArms · 04/07/2020 13:08

Allowing her to use WhatsApp on your phone for now is a great idea - that's what we did. Her friends knew it was my phone and would message to ask if DD could chat. It did result in me handing over my phone for her to video call, but that was manageable!

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