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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I cruel to deny a 10 year old a smart phone

124 replies

dairyfairies · 03/07/2020 11:00

I really need some perspective. All of DD's friends seem to have a smart phone. I really don't know what's 'normal' at 10 but DD doesn't have one. I also have a teen with complex SN who doesn't have a phone.

Anyhow DD (10) is crying daily. She has been out in the street again and saw a few friends and apparently, all friends chat via whatsapp, do tiktok (I wouldn't let her on there in any case), play games on Roblox etc.

DDs tablet broke during lockdown and she can only use the family laptop in the late evening - I use it to WFH for the time being.

DD is really 'heartbroken' about me denying her what all her friends have (her words, not mine).

Am I really cruel or out of touch by not letting DD have a smart phone or a tablet to be on WhatsApp/tiktok/gaming stuff?

Because DC1 has so complex needs and is totally different, I really haven't got a good feel for what is the norm these days. I any case, as a lone parent on a very small part time job due to DC1's complex needs, money is incredibly tight and I couldn't afford a phone or new tablet right now in any case but might be able to save up for one if we really cut some corners. Just don't think it is needed.

I really could do with some perspective.

Aibu - yes, save up for a phone
Yanbu - sod the phone. This can wait a few more years

OP posts:
PablosHoney · 03/07/2020 15:23

I feel for you OP, you are in no way neglectful and it’s a v hard situation no one foresaw, my 10 year old doesn’t have a phone but her friends message her on mine, not ideal but will do for now. We don’t have a laptop and just a really old tablet but it’s different for us now as she is year 6 so allowed back at school, cheap tablet for roblox or organise some actual meet ups?

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 03/07/2020 15:29

I had this OP, I got my son an iPod.
It's basically a phone. It only cost £40 from Cex, second hand.

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 03/07/2020 15:31

here's the one I got

When you say 'save up', how much were you expecting to have to save?

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 03/07/2020 15:35

In fact, we are selling his if you want it!
I upgraded my phone so my phones get past down the kids.

HoneyWheeler · 03/07/2020 15:36

I really recommend Better Screen Time - they have some fab resources about introducing tech new not your family. They strongly discourage giving devices as Christmas or birthday presents, and recommend having family devices that everyone can use.

With my background in education, I personally believe 10 is too young. The amount of safeguarding issues that come up between young kids would shock you.

Iggly · 03/07/2020 15:36

My Ds has use of my old iPhone. Before lockdown there was no way, but during lockdown it has given him the opportunity to video call his friends and keep in touch. I still control when he can and can’t use it.

HoneyWheeler · 03/07/2020 15:37

*tech to your family! Typos sorry

ludothedog · 03/07/2020 15:40

I bought My 10 year old one just as we went into lockdown. It's been invaluable for her maintaining her relationships and her sanity.

Tech is with us to stay. You need to work with your DD to ensure her safety online and ensure she has good safety habits. I really don't think an all or nothing attitude helps. Get her a phone but agree rules around it and get good software with parental locks.

veryvery · 03/07/2020 15:47

Say she cannot have a new phone yet but allow her access to some social media supervised by you on one of your devices? Having to 'share' will major it easier to monitor and she can learn about the pitfalls at the same time. Maybe give her a time slot where you are sitting together in the lounge, for example, when she can use it. Smile

EmperorCovidula · 03/07/2020 16:00

I grew up in the age of the iPhone. Please do not give these things to young kids. I don’t know how parents can be so oblivious to the dangers. It’s neglectful.

anon444877 · 03/07/2020 16:49

I see too much passive consumption and pointless use of tech - communication without content. Very few 9/10/11 y olds are creating content on roblox either.

Mrsjayy · 03/07/2020 17:12

Say she cannot have a new phone yet but allow her access to some social media supervised by you on one of your devices? Having to 'share' will major it easier to monitor and she can learn about the pitfalls at the same time. Maybe give her a time slot where you are sitting together in the lounge, for example, when she can use it

This is a great idea give her a go on your phone until you feel ready for her to have her own.

safariboot · 03/07/2020 17:18

If she had a tablet before and it's now broken, then she was probably using apps to socialise and has now been cut off from that. She might not be able to access the same apps on the laptop. It's worse for her than if she'd never had it.

I'd say explain to her that you can't afford a new phone or tablet yet.

BarbedBloom · 03/07/2020 17:21

People can obviously do as they think best, but around here most get phones when they start secondary school. However, I do know many of my friends have given their kids tablets or smart phones during all of this so they can keep in touch, so yes, she is probably being left out.

My friend took a hardline and her 13 year old doesn't have one. But then she moans he is always sitting at home on his own. All social things are planned through whatsapp and they all think he is weird. She says they can phone him on the landline, but realistically, how many would do that?

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 03/07/2020 17:25

10 year old DD hasa dumb phone which is only for use to contact family.

I bought her a laptop just before lockdown happened to ensure she could do her school work, it has been an absolute lifeline for her to be able to communicate with her friends via Skype and playing roblox. So I can understand how your DD might be feeling left out.

She won't be getting a smart phone for a while yet as I think they are too intrusive and teaching at a secondary school I see the problems they create. As an aside there are students at my school whose parents won't allow them a smart phone, the younger ones tend to feel left out and a bit upset but the older ones in Yr 10 and 11 often say their parents did the right thing and are accepting of it. Although I do believe they have other methods of contacting friends.

Zilla1 · 03/07/2020 17:34

You are not cruel, OP, and it is hard - things have changed and norms haven't stabilised yet. Most things have costs and benefits - tech can have negative effects but so can being isolated and outside friendship groups. I normally have no truck for the 'everyone has X' but IME, Y5/Y6 in England in my DC's school does have everyone with a phone and tablet. I started with the notion of no devices until secondary (And I see most of the Silicon Valley entrepreneurs merrily forbid screens for their DC as do the schools they send their children to) and then just a feature 'phone to make calls for safety but these aren't just cool toys. They are the method of communication normally and especially during lockdown as well as the subject of conversation. Did you talk about TV programmes when you were at school? Well now for my DC, all her friends talk about Tiktok videos. Did you play games at school. Well now those are video games and there is a layer of discussion on Youtube and other platforms. And this is for a DC who plays (played before lockdown) several sports most days after school and on weekend. There are costs, bullying and even the loss of creativity and imagination from never being bored. I suppose the lockdown will be a helpful time to teach your DD how to manage these apps if you do get one for her.

Good luck.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 03/07/2020 17:42

DD also felt like she was missing out on tiktok so I downloaded it on my phone and we watch it together. I'm aware of the negative aspects of it and how highly addictive it is but it can also be an outlet for creativity. It has a huge hold on pop culture atm and you'll be surprised at how many adults, both celebrities and normal are on there creating entertaining content.

Sunshineeeee · 03/07/2020 20:12

No chance. Too much responsibility for a very vulnerable age.

ukgift2016 · 03/07/2020 20:16

Honestly, I find it sad your DD is suffering because of her SN sibling. Yes I know it is just a phone but for her it means more than that and I would not be surprise if there is a bigger issue going on here.

Cupoftchaiagain · 03/07/2020 20:16

My oldest is 8 and I thought / hoped we could get to secondary school before phones! Maybe I need to be more prepared... definitely not on the radar for her age group right now.

ludothedog · 03/07/2020 20:21

As the proud owner of a 10 year old, yes your DD will be missing out. All of my DD's friends have one. I can she will be really excluded by not having access to chat with her friends.

ukgift2016 · 03/07/2020 20:21

Ok OP so you keep mentioning your special needs child, oh I/we can't do that because I got a SN child...etc.

You say your DD plays out on the street then

she has been walking to school and back since she has been 8 why do you think this is ok? For an 8 year old to walk alone to school?

Have you just pushed aside your youngest as she's easier? Let's be honest here.

Patch23042 · 03/07/2020 20:25

I don’t think you’re “cruel” at all OP. You’re doing your utmost in trying circumstances.

I’d get her (if you can) a cheap second hand one, and monitor it.

Em91 · 03/07/2020 20:30

Do you have a shop called CeX near you? I was looking for my nephew the other day (he was given an iPhone 4 and can't do anything with his friends either) and they have some really good iPhone deals for just over £100 really good for 2nd hand. Hope that helps abit.

Iliketeaagain · 03/07/2020 20:32

I was dead against a phone for year 5 dd, but relented at the beginning of lockdown. If you have apple, you can link an account / arrange a child's account you can block things / apps / time used from your own phone. Or with android, you can use google family a similar way.

For my dd, I can honestly say her mood has been lifted by chatting to her friends via WhatsApp video and FaceTime. I know who she's talking to and I control her allowed contacts via my Apple family account. Her phone is a 5 year old iPhone that sticks every now again, games are banned (she'd have to ask for them anyway). If it hadn't been for lockdown, she wouldn't have had a phone for at least another year, but she would have seriously struggled with the lack of social contacts without it.

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