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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband won’t lend daughter uni money

149 replies

meme70 · 02/07/2020 20:01

My Daughter is due to start uni she heard from the accomadation today and they want a Guarantor or she has to pay £6000 upfront which she didn’t see this before she applied -
So my husband has a decent amount of money and I have a little his daughter lives with us and I have brought all her clothes and needs for 6 years and I do everything for her she had to come live with us and I have had a lot stress with her mum and Social services but I’ve always stood by my husband and her and I do all the washing cooking cleaning gardening diy pay all the bills we pay 1/2 each although he earns lots more than me.
My daughter would pay back the loan with her student maintence loan but he won’t help at all.
So now I’m wrestling with I’m hurt yo well it’s his money etc

Id do anything for my children he just doensy so much for his own Daughter so I suppose why would he do anything for mine.
I’m wondering if we are too different to have a lover Marriage we have had - then it is his money so I wonder is my heart ruling my head ?

OP posts:

Griselda1 · 02/07/2020 22:55

This is one of the reasons why education is still not available to everyone. Most landlords will ask for proof of guarantor income and I've been guarantor to all of my children for student accommodation. My daughter's friend has a mother with very low income and her aunt has had to be guarantor. I'd like to see student unions doing more to lobby around these issues.

BurtsBeesKnees · 03/07/2020 07:27

Can you afford your house on your own? If so, kick him and his DD out. If he's got that much money he can easily afford to rent somewhere else.

Then get a decent solicitor and divorce him. Sounds like you won't got the money either way. Time to start looking after you and your dc on your own. He sound horrible tbh.

With regards to your dd, look at halls residence, that's all you can do tbh

GingerCalico · 03/07/2020 08:23

This is sounding complicated!

First thing i'd do is call up the uni and ask to speak to the First year students (freshers) Housing Advisor - all uni's will have one, its a department to help first years sort out their accommodation

On the phone, calmly explain your situation, dont give them un-necessary details, just tell them you have a child who you look after... (but who isnt your actual blood-related daughter is that right? Sorry if not its just a v confusing thread!) ... who needs first year accommodation.

Explain that you do not meet the criteria to be her guarantor as you are self employed, and her father refuses to be one. The Housing advisor will then talk through some options.

The bottom line is, a University is a business BUT they will want to help and keep this girl as a student by any means! Meaning they will help you find a solution if you calmly explain that youre looking for advice :)

It may be that she cannot stay in first year halls and has to find a shared flat to live in. In a 6-bed flat share for example, you may be looking at £300-£400 a week ish (but not knowing your location that can massively vary, London vs Teeside for example, the rent differences will be £££'s in differences)

Talk to this girl about all this, not to panic her but to let her know that she will need to help you find a solution to this - she may know some other students who are also in a pickle and can help, or she may have been given some helpful contacts and numbers in her starter pack for Uni - she needs to know the situation but it doesn't need to be full on panic just yet :)

GingerCalico · 03/07/2020 08:25

£300-£400 a month sorry!

mrpumblechook · 03/07/2020 10:14

I presume your DD is trying to get into a private hall in which case there isn't much the University can do about their request for a guarantor. They might suggest your DD looks for accommodation that doesn't require a guarantor but that's all they can do.

Most private landlords will ask for a guarantor but they don't necessarily ask about your income etc so you might be able to be one for your DD in a different accommodation. There are also companies that will act as guarantors. You have to pay them and they still chase you for the debt if your child doesn't pay so not a great solution but perhaps a better alternative than finding 6K.

As for your DH, get evidence of his finances and then divorce as he clearly doesn't give a shit about you or your DD.

Jeremyironsnothing · 03/07/2020 10:24

Make it your mission to get all the evidence you possibly can, of any place he keeps money. Do some snooping.

Beebeet · 03/07/2020 10:27

Why can't you sign as guarantor? My parents have zero assets and were able to sign as mine, is it through the university or private accomodation?

mrpumblechook · 03/07/2020 10:30

Why can't you sign as guarantor? My parents have zero assets and were able to sign as mine, is it through the university or private accomodation?

I agree. Some will require details of parents income but some won't. I don't know whether OP has checked this or whether she has just assumed she can't be one.

FunTimes2020 · 03/07/2020 10:33

Op, you are making a lot of typos, which is making some of your posts hard to understand

PinkyBrain · 03/07/2020 10:34

She needs to contact the uni for advice op, this doesn’t sound right to me. There are often grants or loans available from the uni as financial assistance to students who are struggling but she may need to rethink her accommodation and student support services can help her.

aSofaNearYou · 03/07/2020 10:34

I disagree that on paper he should have to pay this or be ber guarantor. It's quite a big ask and isn't automatically his responsibility, plus it seems extortionate and even if it was my own kid I would be advocating looking elsewhere. You have touched upon a few other issues that do make this seem unreasonable but haven't really gone into any detail about them so personally I'm finding it hard to judge whether you are describing things accurately or exaggerating.

What do you mean by you have done everything for his daughter, and bought her things? How did that come about?

DivisionBelles · 03/07/2020 10:35

Goodness is this how private halls work? The whole year upfront? Both my DC were in halls the first year and only one had to pay a small deposit with the rest of the rent paid termly. Private accommodation for the following years has varied though. DD didn't need a guarantor at all for either of her house shares. DS did and because we aren't homeowners and didn't have a full year of rent to pay upfront we had to use a service called Housing Hand which who will act as a guarantor. It isn't cheap - think around £500 for this year - but was the only option available to us. Is this something you could used instead?

DivisionBelles · 03/07/2020 10:36

Just to add, your DH is still being selfish though.

dontdisturbmenow · 03/07/2020 10:43

Yes she would pay him back with her student maintence loan and she will be working he knows this
Maybe he doesn't believe she would pay it back?

In any case, your marriage is clearly on the brink so in such atmosphere it's not that surprising he isn't being more supportive.

I also don't believe that you have to pay upfront if you can't be a guarantor. I had to be a guarantor for my kids in Y2 and in private accommodation, certainly not in Uni dorms so if I was him, I'd be doubtful too and if 5bere are issues with money, worry that it was to be used for something else.

From the way you talk about him, it sounds like it's more than time to go your own way and divorce.

MummytoCSJH · 03/07/2020 10:43

Hes a prick and you should leave him OP. As others mentioned please try to get proof of as much of his money as possible so he can't screw you! It sounds like you've done so much for him with nothing in return - nobody deserves to be treated like that. Don't know why people aren't understanding you can't be a guarantor or why you don't just have 6k up your sleeve!
To all the naysayers, honestly this is normal. I was unable to move into uni accommodation because I didn't have a guarantor or the rent upfront, so I ended up having to defer and go to a closer (and honestly worse!) uni. The requirements were a home owner and working full time - I didn't know anyone at all! Almost everyone I know rents. My uncle and grandad live together - my grandad owns the house but gets his pension and my uncle works full time but pays rent to my grandad - they wouldn't even accept my uncle despite proof.
Also, If you get student loan you get it in 3 payments across the year and the first payment is always after you have started your course (so therefore after moving in) because uni have to confirm you've enrolled and attended, so whether she gets student finance or not she won't be able to pay it upfront. It certainly is a barrier to education for poorer people.

mrpumblechook · 03/07/2020 10:52

Some halls of residence are not owned by the University though. If they are privately owned they may ask for guarantors. Unite do for example.

DaveGrohlsBeard · 03/07/2020 11:18

Portsmouth university offer a guarantor service (Uk guarantor) who can act as guarantor for your daughter. She will have to pay a fee but that might be a good alternative if your husband won’t do it.

DaveGrohlsBeard · 03/07/2020 11:27

Or as an alternative suggest that your daughter contacts the accommodation office at the university. I’m sure they deal with this sort of thing all the time.

Alsohuman · 03/07/2020 11:35

@lyralalala

He has £190,000 in the bank I’m sore £6000 isn’t going to hurt to lend

It'll hurt him splitting that when you divorce him

That's exactly what I'd be doing.

Took the words right out of my mouth. Sounds as if hitting him where it hurts most is in his wallet.

Serin · 03/07/2020 11:44

I would divorce him, he has no redeeming features and you can use the windfall to pay her accom outright.
The mean bastard.
All this time you have assumed you were in a family unit and he has been thinking of her as a cuckoo in his nest.
What does her step sister think of this?
Is she with her Father or does she stand beside her step sister?

PlanDeRaccordement · 03/07/2020 12:56

Divorces take 2-4 YEARS. It’s not a solution to the university accommodation problem.

Alsohuman · 03/07/2020 12:59

@PlanDeRaccordement

Divorces take 2-4 YEARS. It’s not a solution to the university accommodation problem.

Not necessarily. The problem here’s a lot bigger than the money in question here.

PlanDeRaccordement · 03/07/2020 16:26

Alsohunan
I know that. I was mostly directing my comment to the numerous idiots who were saying OP divorce her OH and then use half the £190k to pay for her DDs accommodation. Which is advice so impossible it is useless. Plus if OP can guarantor 6k, how on Earth is she going to pay a divorce solicitor their retainer and hourly fee?

PlanDeRaccordement · 03/07/2020 16:26

can should be cannot

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