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Original poster

Husband won’t lend daughter uni money

149 replies

meme70 · 02/07/2020 20:01

My Daughter is due to start uni she heard from the accomadation today and they want a Guarantor or she has to pay £6000 upfront which she didn’t see this before she applied -
So my husband has a decent amount of money and I have a little his daughter lives with us and I have brought all her clothes and needs for 6 years and I do everything for her she had to come live with us and I have had a lot stress with her mum and Social services but I’ve always stood by my husband and her and I do all the washing cooking cleaning gardening diy pay all the bills we pay 1/2 each although he earns lots more than me.
My daughter would pay back the loan with her student maintence loan but he won’t help at all.
So now I’m wrestling with I’m hurt yo well it’s his money etc

Id do anything for my children he just doensy so much for his own Daughter so I suppose why would he do anything for mine.
I’m wondering if we are too different to have a lover Marriage we have had - then it is his money so I wonder is my heart ruling my head ?

OP posts:
Original poster
meme70 · 02/07/2020 20:18

@jgjgjgjgjg

Why can't your husband sign as guarantor? There's no reason for anyone to be shelling out £6000 as presumably you are confident that your daughter won't default?

It does sound odd though, are you quite sure you've got it right? There are many families where neither parent would be eligible to sign as a guarantor and finding £6000 would be utterly out of the question. Could she approach the Student Union for advice?

100% right sadly we spent all afternoon reading up about it, he won’t help at all and I think that’s made me feel so sad and hurt. I do everything for him and his daughter for years. No it’s in the terms and conditions the United set out all kept quiet until accomadation offer
OP posts:
Murraygoldberg · 02/07/2020 20:18

Can you not be her guarantor? If not you, your husband? I think asking him to pay upfront £6000 is excessive and I wouldn't do it for my dc or expect my dp to either

SummerWhisper · 02/07/2020 20:19

He knows that you hate asking, that you do more than your fair share and that he is more comfortably off because of you and you are worse off because of him. In summary, he is a tight-arsed, financially abusive shitbag. Once you are divorced, your life will be wonderful. He will suddenly have to start parenting. Leave the twastard.

Original poster
meme70 · 02/07/2020 20:19

@AIMD

In your position I would feel angry too. If he can easily afford it and you have lived as a family (albeit it 2 families blended) it’s surprising he is refusing to help.

Have you been clear with him about your feeling about the matter? Have you told him what you have said here about feeling let down and sad that you have done a lot for him and your step-daughter and now he’s not helping you.

No I’m too upset atm I simply will ask my ex he may help me My husband is the meanest man wiyh mkney I’ve ever meet
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AIMD · 02/07/2020 20:20

@BeardyButton

God. Im so sorry to hear this. Tbh... This would be ltb for me. I had a step dad (and a shit dad). Step dad would have given me his last farthing. I loved him so much (he died about 5yrs ago). My dh has a step dad. He used to time his showers so he would use too much electricity. I know first hand how important the stepdad role is. I couldnt get over this.
I agree. If I married someone and helped raised their child ( assuming as she lives with you you did a significant amount of care for his daughter) I would be very disappointed if they couldn’t help when he was able to. It would be diffeeent if he couldn’t afford it.

Do you think he’d give the money for his daughter or would he be the same regardless? Wondering if it is a money thing or a step-daughter thing.

SummerWhisper · 02/07/2020 20:21

Recognise that what he thinks of your daughter is a reflection of his feelings for you. You both deserve better. Start making him parent his own daughter. Flowers

Original poster
meme70 · 02/07/2020 20:21

@Hoppinggreen

So she isn’t his daughter? How long has he been in her life? It would be nice if he did lend it to her but he’s under no obligation to unfortunately
7 years we’ve been together

No that’s right but hasn’t stopped him letting me do everything for his child for 7 years including buying all her clothes uniform shoes etc etc from my money as he wouldn’t and her mind a alcholic

OP posts:
Original poster
meme70 · 02/07/2020 20:23

@BeardyButton

God. Im so sorry to hear this. Tbh... This would be ltb for me. I had a step dad (and a shit dad). Step dad would have given me his last farthing. I loved him so much (he died about 5yrs ago). My dh has a step dad. He used to time his showers so he would use too much electricity. I know first hand how important the stepdad role is. I couldnt get over this.
Spot on I think this is it for me

I don’t feel like we have a future
I understand he’s no obliged but he has taken a lot from me over 7 years all he does is work 7 days a week on the Pc at home no Hoildays no days out no time with us

OP posts:
Original poster
meme70 · 02/07/2020 20:24

@LochJessMonster

Being a guarantor for someone is actually a huge ask. If she defaults on the payments (and you have no way of knowing the future) he could end up with a huge bailiff bill.

Unfortunately relationship between parents/children do sour and to risk £6000??

I wouldn’t do it. There are other options.

He has £190,000 in the bank I’m sore £6000 isn’t going to hurt to lend
OP posts:
Spied · 02/07/2020 20:24

I really don't understand how she needs 6K.
Surely there's somewhere else she can live?
Uni students can't be expected to have 6k to hand. Not all come from wealthy homesConfused

Annasgirl · 02/07/2020 20:25

Oh OP, I am so sorry for you. However, you know what he is and who he is. Why on earth do you do so much for his daughter? If you were not there who would mind her, feed her, clothe her? You realise that by doing all of this you have actually taken money from your own DD to help his and now that your DD needs something, he is keeping his wallet closed.

I think this is the push you need to leave now - forget any emotional blackmail about his DD - your priority now has to be your own DD.

Also, he will have to split things more fairly with you in a divorce settlement.

boys3 · 02/07/2020 20:25

is this one of the Unite run halls? It could be worth a conversation with the Accommodation Office or their residence life team. Two of mine been though / at Uni, beyond a relatively small deposit a guarantor has never been requested or the full amount up front.

lyralalala · 02/07/2020 20:25

He has £190,000 in the bank I’m sore £6000 isn’t going to hurt to lend

It'll hurt him splitting that when you divorce him

That's exactly what I'd be doing.

Pretenditsaplan · 02/07/2020 20:25

Work out hiw much youve had to spend on his kid for the last 7 years and present him with a bill. That should cover your kids rent for all of uni by the sound of it

Original poster
meme70 · 02/07/2020 20:26

@SummerWhisper

He knows that you hate asking, that you do more than your fair share and that he is more comfortably off because of you and you are worse off because of him. In summary, he is a tight-arsed, financially abusive shitbag. Once you are divorced, your life will be wonderful. He will suddenly have to start parenting. Leave the twastard.
Lol 😘. Yes he isn’t kind tbh I’ve sort of grown tired of the marriage she’s ago all her does is work work work addicted to it and making money and not spending it we spend no time together and he isn’t a good father
OP posts:
ComeBy · 02/07/2020 20:26

Have you said everything you put in your OP to your DH?

Does he understand that he will get the money returned to him intact at the end of the year?

Call tomorrow and explain that you are not in a position to pay this and see what they say.

Then have a good deep think about your marriage. Divorce could cost him more than lending £6k.

Original poster
meme70 · 02/07/2020 20:27

@Spied

I really don't understand how she needs 6K. Surely there's somewhere else she can live? Uni students can't be expected to have 6k to hand. Not all come from wealthy homesConfused
Uni accomadation is so expensive and will W all gone now we live a ferry distance away
OP posts:
GrumpyHoonMain · 02/07/2020 20:27

Stop doing anything for him and his dd. Stop the housework for his dd and him. If he complains make him pay for it - say you want market rate for cleaning / cooking / nannying, and if he won’t provide it then you will divorce. He’s such a selfish twat.

Original poster
meme70 · 02/07/2020 20:28

@Annasgirl

Oh OP, I am so sorry for you. However, you know what he is and who he is. Why on earth do you do so much for his daughter? If you were not there who would mind her, feed her, clothe her? You realise that by doing all of this you have actually taken money from your own DD to help his and now that your DD needs something, he is keeping his wallet closed.

I think this is the push you need to leave now - forget any emotional blackmail about his DD - your priority now has to be your own DD.

Also, he will have to split things more fairly with you in a divorce settlement.

He will hide the money as soon S he thinks I want out - I haven’t said anything about it to him I asked hours ago

I don’t know what to do anymore

OP posts:
Original poster
meme70 · 02/07/2020 20:29

@boys3

is this one of the Unite run halls? It could be worth a conversation with the Accommodation Office or their residence life team. Two of mine been though / at Uni, beyond a relatively small deposit a guarantor has never been requested or the full amount up front.
She contacted them and that’s the way it so maybe as Covid I don’t know she has to pay £250 deposit also
OP posts:
Original poster
meme70 · 02/07/2020 20:30

@lyralalala

He has £190,000 in the bank I’m sore £6000 isn’t going to hurt to lend

It'll hurt him splitting that when you divorce him

That's exactly what I'd be doing.

He will hide the money if he thinks I want a divorce
OP posts:
Somethingkindaoooo · 02/07/2020 20:30

Can she not go into uni accommodation?

Did your daughter use his details to apply for student finance?

She is getting student finance, right?

Original poster
meme70 · 02/07/2020 20:31

@Pretenditsaplan

Work out hiw much youve had to spend on his kid for the last 7 years and present him with a bill. That should cover your kids rent for all of uni by the sound of it
Yes exactly spot on klaus the emotional sponge for all her mum problems
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Nosuchluck · 02/07/2020 20:31

If your husband won't act as guarantor and you won't be accepted as one does your daughter have the option to look at other accommodation that doesn't need a guarantor?
I have 2 DC at uni and every year the guarantor thing causes greif. We sign it ok but there is usually one parent that won't. At my DC's uni town all the housemates (well their garuntorsr) would be responsible for the rent if one house mate doesn't pay so it is quite a big ask if someone.

Original poster
meme70 · 02/07/2020 20:32

@ComeBy

Have you said everything you put in your OP to your DH?

Does he understand that he will get the money returned to him intact at the end of the year?

Call tomorrow and explain that you are not in a position to pay this and see what they say.

Then have a good deep think about your marriage. Divorce could cost him more than lending £6k.

Yes she would pay him back with her student maintence loan and she will be working he knows this He’s not interested told me to tell her to travel here to uni we live a ferry journey and the ferries always cancel as weather and tech problems
OP posts: