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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Destination wedding...

128 replies

nalomi · 30/06/2020 23:05

So, it's the type of wedding invitation you can't really refuse, one from a close family member, and they've picked a destination wedding. I thought not a big deal at first, just a flight and a couple of days hotel, but it turns out not that simple, they are asking me to drop £1400 and take a week off work.

And where do you think they'd be having a wedding so as that flights and a week's accomodation there is £1400 a head per person? Seychelles? Thailand? Maldives?

Nope. It's Cyprus. The price is for a flight and all inclusive hotel, which includes all the buffet food you can eat and all the booze you can drink, neither of which really appealed to me - all that food left out for days on end with everyone picking through it, and I don't drink to excess, or at all except when socialising with a friend or date. And speaking of dates, it's not exactly something you can bring your other half to...

All my other close family members have said they are going and waiting for my response so it can be booked before the price goes up, that's the current quote. Any chance of a guilt free no?

OP posts:
Firstimer703 · 30/06/2020 23:16

I think if you don't want to go for whatever reason then it's OK to decline. £1400 is a lot of money so you have to do what's right for you on this one.

MrFaceyRomford · 30/06/2020 23:19

I'd say no like a shot. It sounds awful (but then I hate weddings anyway).

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 30/06/2020 23:21

Hell no ! £1400 to attend someone’s wedding- and I bet they are CFs who asked for “no boxed gifts” Hmm

Can you just say you can’t make it you are saving towards ....kitchen, car, baby, wedding etc yourself?

Either way tell the couple first you can’t attend, don’t let family get involved before you do. Just a “so sorry but I won’t be able to make it to your wedding but let’s do something before you jet off”....if they are rude enough to push for a reason just say say with the current economic climate you don’t have the funds to splash out on such a holiday

Newkitchen123 · 30/06/2020 23:21

We married in Cyprus and our guests stayed wherever suited their budget and didn't spend anything like that
Asking them to come to the wedding was big enough without dictating who stayed where!

Pipandmum · 30/06/2020 23:22

Why can't you just go for the weekend? Though that probably wouldn't be much cheaper. My brother in law got married abroad at his wife's native country but didn't expect anyone to fly over and they had a second reception in the UK.
Seems to me if you decide to have a destination wedding you understand most people can't afford it or take a week off.

RealLifeHotWaterBottle · 30/06/2020 23:23

I think its reasonable to say its too expensive for you to justify the cost, though out of interest could you perhaps book flights out for a shorter stay and make the ceremony (if you would like to attend that is)

OhYeahYouSuck · 30/06/2020 23:26

I'd always refuse a destination wedding unless it was somewhere I'd like to holiday anyway so I could incorporate it.

You don't have to say yes to this.

Newkitchen123 · 30/06/2020 23:33

We fully accepted that there would be some that didn't come and we didn't take it personally at all.
It's a big ask for lots of reasons. Childcare /time off work /money etc
Anyone getting married abroad has to understand this
We didn't just say no boxed gifts we said none at all. We didn't need anything and we didn't expect anything

5foot5 · 30/06/2020 23:48

I am guessing from your post that this is close family like a sibling so harder to say no.

First off, why do you have to spend all that money and stay a week? Personally it is the week of leave I would resent most as one only gets so much annual leave and I like to be able to use it on things I choose.

Would it be possible to fly out for the ceremony and reception and therefore only use 2 or 2 days? Perhaps work could be your excuse for doing this, as in "I really want to be there for your big day but can't take a full week then. sorry"

Euclid · 30/06/2020 23:58

I think that "destination weddings" are a ridiculous idea and very imposing on friends from the point of view of finances and affordability and taking holidays. It is different if one of the bridal couple is from the country.
The other problem with a "destination" venue is that you might not visit it again. My late husband and I loved visiting the church where we were married and the hotel where we had our reception on our anniversary and indeed at other times, which was always very romantic. I still go to both since he died and remember happy days. If we had got married in some ridiculous place abroad where we had no connection we might never have gone back.

giantangryrooster · 01/07/2020 00:00

Excuses:
Can't get leave from work
You have planned something already, so cannot get additional leave
You cannot afford it
A week is too much for you
You do not dare commit that amount of money, with the current uncertainty
You will be pregnant at the time and won't want to fly
You are allergic to destination weddings
You are going to tesco/aldi/hairdresser that week Grin

Or I'm not comfortable with this, you go please and we can have a lovely celebratory dinner when you get home.

MiddleClassProblem · 01/07/2020 00:04

I’d tell them I can’t afford it (unless drip feed you are minted) and day I will look for cheap accommodation near by and cone out for the wedding

MiddleClassProblem · 01/07/2020 00:04

*come

Badgerstmary · 01/07/2020 00:11

You don’t have to say yes. I went to my db’s 1st wedding, but he remarried & it was in S Africa as she was S African. By this point I had 3 dc who I had never taken abroad & could not spend 1000’s going to it. We went abroad the next year, just the 5 of it. My db understood & it has not affected anything. Just say sorry you can’t come. You don’t have to explain yourself. Good luck.

DisobedientHamster · 01/07/2020 00:56

There's no such thing as have to say yes to this. The real wedding is probably in the registry office the week before.

'I cannot afford it and there's no room in my budget to save. I'll be unable to go.'

roxfox · 01/07/2020 01:50

Tricky one. I'd just say I want to but can't commit yet.

Yeahnahmum · 01/07/2020 04:07

Wtf.. Just say no!! That is way too big of an ask to ask from anyone. 1400 pounds. Jeez.. AND having to take a week off..

Just be honest and say no
Or be dishonest and say you can't get time off work then
Don't say you can't afford it because one of your relatives might lend you the money or something.
Or say you don't want to travel re covid 19
Or say sorry I can't make it but I will send you a nice present
Or say. I am so happy for your sorry I can't make it. We will celebrate later

They are cheeky fuckers in my opinion. 1400 pounds and 1 week off..

Just say no!!! Seriously. Put your big girl panties on Grin and say NO

20wedding19 · 01/07/2020 05:09

Wow! They are being very unreasonable.
I felt guilty at getting married 2 and a half hours away from where we lived at the time as I'm from where the wedding took place but a lot of people had to travel those 2 and a half hours
I'm even more shocked at this idea post Covid situation. No ones financial situation is completely safe at the moment surely?!

TheresABearInThere · 01/07/2020 05:16

Gotta love a bride and groom who are so sure that everyone will be just as excited as them about their wedding that they’d sacrifice a week of leave and a small fortune. Just wait until they have their first kid, can only get worse.

YANBU with bells on!

Plus when is it to be held, in time for COVID second run?

Happynow001 · 01/07/2020 05:43

I'd be taking a deep breath and saying a very firm No. £1400 is a huge amount to spend to attending someone else's wedding and there are bound to be incidental costs on top of that. Be prepared for someone offering to lend you the money also and putting yourself into financial debt.

Also taking a week out of precious holiday allocation is asking a lot. Are you able to tell them you can't get the time off from work authorised?

Original poster
nalomi · 01/07/2020 14:18

@TheresABearInThere

Gotta love a bride and groom who are so sure that everyone will be just as excited as them about their wedding that they’d sacrifice a week of leave and a small fortune. Just wait until they have their first kid, can only get worse.

YANBU with bells on!

Plus when is it to be held, in time for COVID second run?

Next year, plus one month.
OP posts:
Original poster
nalomi · 01/07/2020 14:22

@Euclid

I think that "destination weddings" are a ridiculous idea and very imposing on friends from the point of view of finances and affordability and taking holidays. It is different if one of the bridal couple is from the country. The other problem with a "destination" venue is that you might not visit it again. My late husband and I loved visiting the church where we were married and the hotel where we had our reception on our anniversary and indeed at other times, which was always very romantic. I still go to both since he died and remember happy days. If we had got married in some ridiculous place abroad where we had no connection we might never have gone back.
I'm inclined to agree, both are from UK. The only time I'd have a destination wedding is if my partner was from that country and their family wouldn't be able to travel to the UK for the event...
OP posts:
Ellmau · 01/07/2020 14:33

speaking of dates, it's not exactly something you can bring your other half to...

Surely weddings are exactly the kind of thing you invite someone to, unless you're very casual. If you aren't in relationship stage where that works for you, is there any friend or relative on the guest list you could ask to (and would be willing to) share a room with to save money? (Is the £1400 per person taking into account single supplements, so it would be less if you had a partner, or is that the price if sharing so it would actually be more for you?)

I believe some destination weddings only let people staying at the hotel attend the wedding.

But there's no shame in saying, "Sorry, Dear Relative, that sounds amazing but I'm afraid I can't afford it." Unless family and friends are all very well off, you're not going to be the only person who won't be able to make it. That's the price people pay for having a destination wedding - they may miss out on the guests they would most like there.

Also you may also be expected to shell out on hen night, gift, maybe special activities if there for a week, not to mention your outfit.

I would think August in Cyprus would be very very hot, by the way.

Original poster
nalomi · 01/07/2020 14:51

@Ellmau

speaking of dates, it's not exactly something you can bring your other half to...

Surely weddings are exactly the kind of thing you invite someone to, unless you're very casual. If you aren't in relationship stage where that works for you, is there any friend or relative on the guest list you could ask to (and would be willing to) share a room with to save money? (Is the £1400 per person taking into account single supplements, so it would be less if you had a partner, or is that the price if sharing so it would actually be more for you?)

I believe some destination weddings only let people staying at the hotel attend the wedding.

But there's no shame in saying, "Sorry, Dear Relative, that sounds amazing but I'm afraid I can't afford it." Unless family and friends are all very well off, you're not going to be the only person who won't be able to make it. That's the price people pay for having a destination wedding - they may miss out on the guests they would most like there.

Also you may also be expected to shell out on hen night, gift, maybe special activities if there for a week, not to mention your outfit.

I would think August in Cyprus would be very very hot, by the way.

They are on the invite, but £1400 is the per person cost, not per room. So if they come too, it's £2800.
OP posts:
TheBlackBunny · 01/07/2020 14:55

A wise person once told me a wedding invitation is just that, an invitation, not a summons!

Just RSVP no. Maybe send a small wedding gift along with your RSVP.