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Original poster

Destination wedding...

128 replies

nalomi · 30/06/2020 23:05

So, it's the type of wedding invitation you can't really refuse, one from a close family member, and they've picked a destination wedding. I thought not a big deal at first, just a flight and a couple of days hotel, but it turns out not that simple, they are asking me to drop £1400 and take a week off work.

And where do you think they'd be having a wedding so as that flights and a week's accomodation there is £1400 a head per person? Seychelles? Thailand? Maldives?

Nope. It's Cyprus. The price is for a flight and all inclusive hotel, which includes all the buffet food you can eat and all the booze you can drink, neither of which really appealed to me - all that food left out for days on end with everyone picking through it, and I don't drink to excess, or at all except when socialising with a friend or date. And speaking of dates, it's not exactly something you can bring your other half to...

All my other close family members have said they are going and waiting for my response so it can be booked before the price goes up, that's the current quote. Any chance of a guilt free no?

OP posts:
BurtsBeesKnees · 02/07/2020 08:34

The good thing about destination weddings is you are completely justified in saying 'no I can't come'

People who have destination weddings, have to accept that not everyone can either afford it, has the time to take off work, or want to sacrifice a family holiday to attend.

My best friend got married in Italy, it would have been ££££'s to attend by the time you take into consideration me, my dh and dc are paid for, plus new clothes etc. It just wasn't doable.

Thepilotlightsgoneout · 02/07/2020 08:37

Can you actually afford it though, OP? You’ve said it’s not your thing, and that you don’t think it’s worth the money, but not actually whether you have the money or not.

I think if you can afford it but it’s just not your first choice of holiday, then that’s slightly different.

ConnellWaldronsChain · 02/07/2020 08:41

Assuming those coming with a partner will be sharing a room then it is crazy that the cost is £1400pp regardless of whether you are coming alone or as half a couple!?

DingDongDenny · 02/07/2020 08:52

Have you contacted the hotel to see what the costs are for a normal stay that doesn't include a wedding? I think some of the costs are being passed on to the guests, especially since there is no reduction if you are a couple.

pictish · 02/07/2020 08:52

Will add this...if the destination for the wedding happened to be somewhere we’d genuinely pay to travel to and holiday in anyway, that would be different. It’s highly unlikely though...we’re not inclined to choose holiday islands/beach resorts for holidays. Nothing wrong with them of course...but not our bag at all.
That anyone would be put out at a refusal is gobsmackingly self absorbed. Bil is all puffed up with not speaking to us over his wedding two years on...but the fact is, as long as he harbours resentment over it, he’s welcome to stew.

thepeopleversuswork · 02/07/2020 08:58

It’s difficult with direct family OP I feel for you.

Honestly I think this grabby attitude is so awful I would abstain on principle. But you have to negotiate the family fallout.

TheHandStandBand · 02/07/2020 09:50

They are on the invite, but £1400 is the per person cost, not per room. So if they come too, it's £2800

Goodness me! Look into nearby hotels and your own flights today...see what you're looking at for a shorter stay and then review.

Serin · 02/07/2020 10:12

I would say
"With regret I am unable to attend but I am very much looking forward to celebrating with you both when you return".

Out of interest if it was the Maldives or the Seychelles would you be more interested?

Original poster
nalomi · 02/07/2020 12:02

@HeyBlaby

Same position except I booked for a wedding in July that has now been rearranged. Left me in the position of potentially having to take a holiday I didn't even want (I dislike Cyprus) Luckily has just been cancelled by Jet2.

I am not booking again for the rearranged date unless Covid is over (unlikely) The wedding is in school holidays in June, just after a bank holiday so is an absolute fortune for a week in a place I would never holiday in. We do not know if school will go ahead full time so will have to potentially take annual or unpaid leave for that, leaving us money down or not much annual leave left. Cyprus may not let us in in June if a second peak or limit numbers in a gathering, potentially meaning going to Cyprus but not attending the wedding. I have had three holidays cancelled in March and I am not wanting to go through the hassle of getting a refund or rearranging again anytime soon.

I'm a bridesmaid (one of six) so YANBU. This has caused me and several others so much stress, some struggled to afford the first booking, now we are onto the second which has risen in price somewhat and is on the background of a global pandemic and recession. Cyprus is five hours away so not like you can do a quick 2 night visit, even 5 days in the cheapest of cheap apartments in June is £1500 for two adults, that is before food etc.

rant over

Thanks for the detail of your experience, I really identified with your post, Cyprus is also not very high on my bucket list of 'must see' travel destinations.

I also think a few people here found it somewhat unbelieveable that Cyprus could be as much as £1400 per head for a week, will also be travelling during the high season and the cost surprised me at first too... But it is high season and all inclusive, so the costs do add up...

After consideration, I think will probably be out of the question for a short flying visit, when people think of Cyprus they think of Europe and Europe = close by, and thus short flying times. I have had a look at flight prices around that time of year and they seem to be significant, probably because they know that they and their competitors will always be able to get 100% bums in seats during that time, and I'm not sure how I could make the trip work out...

Just a question if I may - why did they pick Cyprus?

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 02/07/2020 12:09

We went to a wedding in Cyprus last year. It was the best time ever and I say that including having been to some amazing destination weddings in Australia, Canada and Bahamas. If it’s too much for your budget say and look for hotels near this hotel if you want to go.

HavingAMoan · 02/07/2020 12:26

@pictish why did they choose Argentina? Because unless one of them is from there, that is so random.

HeyBlaby · 02/07/2020 12:42

@nalomi they chose it because they thought it looked nice, they have never actually been to Cyprus.

I think had it been Spain/France/Portugal I would feel better, I could easily book a 2 night stay and the flights are cheap. I have weighed up a short break, but nearly 5 hours each way for 2/3 nights and a big wedding is not doable for my three year old son, plus the biggest cost is the flight, the cheapest anywhere around the new wedding date on Sky Scanner is £500ish pp plus luggage, so we would only be saving on the hotel cost and 3 nights would still cost about £1800 and that would be in cheapy cheap accommodation, before any food.

It has caused me and other I know a lot of stress, to the point one friend had been considering a wedding abroad and has decided against it as they wouldn't want to put people they care about through it. If I am in the situation again it will be a straight ,thank you but no'.

I think the worst part was after booking the holiday (£1700 for a cheap, cheap self catering deal, so say maybe £2000 after food etc for the week) we were then asked by the maid of honour to part with £400 for a hen do (and that didn't even include food or activities for the weekend away) Apparently I was unreasonable for declining that impressive offer Hmm

Ellmau · 02/07/2020 15:28

In Greek myth, Cyprus was the birthplace of Aphrodite, so the Island of LURVE...

Assuming those coming with a partner will be sharing a room then it is crazy that the cost is £1400pp regardless of whether you are coming alone or as half a couple!?

My bet is that's the price per person IF SHARING (normal in hotel pricing), so OP would actually be on the hook for £2800, minus the cost of one flight.

pictish · 02/07/2020 15:33

Havingamoan - yes his wife is Argentinian. We only met her once before they got married.
It’s his second marriage. We weren’t invited to the first but were expected to pull out all the stops and put ourselves in debt for the second.
Aye ok then.

pictish · 02/07/2020 15:39

Oh and what makes it all the more galling is that his first wedding was immediately local to us. No invite. His first wife didn’t want any of us there.

Original poster
nalomi · 02/07/2020 16:27

It's fair enough to have a destination wedding if one of the couple is from there so that their family may not be put off attending. But I wouldn't drag my guests halfway around the world if no other connection. If you want a holiday to remember, that's what honeymoon is for.

OP posts:
lilliputstreet · 02/07/2020 16:34

Definitely ok to say no. I had a destination wedding (Maldives) . We paid for everyones flights, accommodation and food upfront then asked everyone to pay us back over 12 months for the flights only and no wedding presents.

Everyone came but I made it clear that if they couldn't come that's ok and we then had a party in the U.K. anyway.
A wedding is for the couple. Not for the guests. The couple should host and arrange things. We were lucky for two reasons, the destination wasn't somewhere cheap so we effectively allowed our guests a long haul holiday in a luxury place for the price of the flights only (which as we'd booked everything in one massive booking were at a reduced cost) and even then to pay that back over 12 months. We also paid for partners.

We also everyone to attend the wedding but they could do whatever they wanted after the wedding while they were still there. Everyone we invited came and had a happy time afaik.
I'd be pissed off too if someone demanded £1.4k pp for Cyprus! Just tell them the truth how can they say anything other than that's a shame?!

DisobedientHamster · 02/07/2020 17:06

@pictish

Havingamoan - yes his wife is Argentinian. We only met her once before they got married. It’s his second marriage. We weren’t invited to the first but were expected to pull out all the stops and put ourselves in debt for the second. Aye ok then.
I'd have been right up there with you to say fuck no to that. Crass AF to have a huge blowout second or subsequent wedding that expects guests to pay thousands. First time, even.

Nah. I agree don't give a reason. Just unable to attend. Don't respond to guilt trips.

Original poster
nalomi · 03/07/2020 14:31

[quote HeyBlaby]@nalomi they chose it because they thought it looked nice, they have never actually been to Cyprus.

I think had it been Spain/France/Portugal I would feel better, I could easily book a 2 night stay and the flights are cheap. I have weighed up a short break, but nearly 5 hours each way for 2/3 nights and a big wedding is not doable for my three year old son, plus the biggest cost is the flight, the cheapest anywhere around the new wedding date on Sky Scanner is £500ish pp plus luggage, so we would only be saving on the hotel cost and 3 nights would still cost about £1800 and that would be in cheapy cheap accommodation, before any food.

It has caused me and other I know a lot of stress, to the point one friend had been considering a wedding abroad and has decided against it as they wouldn't want to put people they care about through it. If I am in the situation again it will be a straight ,thank you but no'.

I think the worst part was after booking the holiday (£1700 for a cheap, cheap self catering deal, so say maybe £2000 after food etc for the week) we were then asked by the maid of honour to part with £400 for a hen do (and that didn't even include food or activities for the weekend away) Apparently I was unreasonable for declining that impressive offer Hmm[/quote]
Yeah, I completely agree with you, much of Europe is no problem to get to, but as I suspect, there are some perfect locations in Cyprus if all you want to do is lie next to the pool all day whilst turning into a lobster and drink lots of 'free' alcohol.

If it was a friend or other distant family member, then it wouldn't bother me so much, but knowing that if I say no then I won't be there with the rest of my family is upsetting. And I know it's not about me, but other family weddings have been lovely affairs where the whole extended family can get together when normally it's difficult to meet up together in one place because that's the way life is...

OP posts:
Happynow001 · 03/07/2020 15:57

but knowing that if I say no then I won't be there with the rest of my family is upsetting.
That's not of your doing though. That's the problem dropped in your lap by the bride and groom - who are NOT funding this for you.

And I know it's not about me, but other family weddings have been lovely affairs where the whole extended family can get together when normally it's difficult to meet up together in one place because that's the way life is...
It's a bit about you, if you don't have the money to pay for it. £1400 plus as another PP mentioned, possible hen do with associated expenses, clothes, present. Plus another £1400+ if your friend/partner, etc also comes? Plus a week off your holiday allocation?

When do you need to give your answer by?

Have you checked if you can get the time off authorised from work? Although I'd be inclined to say I'd checked and I couldn't get the time off.

Also beware of people offering to lend you the money which you'll still need to pay back.

Take a deep breath OP and say no nicely but firmly if you don't want to go.

Ginfordinner · 03/07/2020 16:01

If you can't afford it you can't afford it, so tell them, and stop feeling guilty.

KatherineJaneway · 04/07/2020 06:21

Have you contacted the hotel to see what the costs are for a normal stay that doesn't include a wedding? I think some of the costs are being passed on to the guests, especially since there is no reduction if you are a couple.

I was thinking this as well.

Original poster
nalomi · 04/07/2020 20:51

@KatherineJaneway

Have you contacted the hotel to see what the costs are for a normal stay that doesn't include a wedding? I think some of the costs are being passed on to the guests, especially since there is no reduction if you are a couple.

I was thinking this as well.

I have googled 'get married at [resort name]' and see that the cost of the wedding package is about 120 quid or so and the ceremony is provided by a third party independently of the hotel, but on their property.

The £1400 is the flight and hotel cost for a week's holiday at the resort for one person.

OP posts:
MrsMoastyToasty · 04/07/2020 21:27

I've never understood the whole "eloping with 30 family members" thing. Just say no. I'm sure you won't be the only one.

GarlicMcAtackney · 05/07/2020 00:44

The whole point of going away to get married is the hope that barely anyone else will show up! No family dramas or screaming kids etc. They’re probably hoping they’ll get lots of declines. Our guests whined for years about going to a venue (which we provided a bus for) FIFTEEN minutes away from where they live.