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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this acceptable? DP possibly flirting?

126 replies

SpiderStan · 30/06/2020 16:05

Partner has some form of being flirty with his female co-workers in the past but always said it was never intended as flirting, etc. I used to work in the same company as him and discovered that he had invited a co-worker out to get her drunk as he was “intrigued” to see what she was like drunk. He also commented on her short skirts as well. They sent each other selfies of their costumes at Halloween last year and after she sent hers, she messaged “I’m not trying to seduce you by the way 😉”

We had a huge argument about this, because I said it was flirty and he should have stopped it, his behaviour towards her had been allowing her to think it was ok to be playful like that.

So fast forward to last week;

Partner was on a video call with his team.

He kept hiding his Skype chat screen every time I walked past, and looking over his shoulder to see if I had left the room yet.
This is unlike him, so I snooped and found the chat he was hiding from me.

Him and a (very attractive) female co-worker were chatting on Skype during the video call. We will call her Joanna. Now Joanna is someone that my partner claims in the past to have disliked and has talked some crap about her.

He sent Joanna a message some time during the call saying “OMG Gemma cheer the fuck up!!!!” – (Gemma is the name we will give to someone in his team who was also on the team call.) I found this to be incredibly bitchy of him to do and have no respect for that.

Joanna responded with “I know right?! Stop making me laugh!”

He then started a little game between the two of them.. to see if they could make each other laugh during the video call.

A few gifs back and forth, one she sent was of a turkey with rather large balls hanging down from its chin and the caption said “My eyes are up here!”

Partner responded with “I bet you get that a lot! :D” and then sent a gif of a woman jumping up and down with her tits bouncing.

Joanna messages saying “This is so hard, hahaha”

He says “That’s what she said.”

Joanna responds “I’m so glad Gemma said something I could laugh at. I was struggling to hold that in hahahaha”

He says“…That’s what she said.”

Then he posts a gif of a girl playing with her hair and says “Look she plays with her hair too. Why do you play with your hair a lot? :D”

She didn’t respond. She just sent a funny and non-rude gif back.

This whole thing made me feel uncomfortable.

So what would you think?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/06/2020 16:09

I think you need a new boyfriend. What a twat.

sirfredfredgeorge · 30/06/2020 16:10

That the meeting really should have be some emails.

TenShortStories · 30/06/2020 16:13

Oh no, I'd walk away from all of that. This is not a man who has any respect for the fact that he's in a relationship. Sorry SadFlowers

Bringmewineandcake · 30/06/2020 16:13

He sounds like a massive twat

FizzyPink · 30/06/2020 16:15

I think it’s way too close to the line. The gif with the tits is totally not okay.
I really don’t think I’d want this person to be my partner anymore

Delatron · 30/06/2020 16:17

It’s not even subtle flirting. You need to ask yourself if you can continue to be with someone like this. He’ll continue to play it down and make out you’re unreasonable yet carry on flirting...

It’s so disrespectful. I really couldn’t put up with it.

LatteLover12 · 30/06/2020 16:17

I think you need to get rid of him pronto.

What a dick

gypsywater · 30/06/2020 16:18

He would cheat in a heartbeat. Fuck him off.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 30/06/2020 16:18

I would not be happy with that.

MazDazzle · 30/06/2020 16:19

He sounds like a creep.

HollowTalk · 30/06/2020 16:19

What a dick. Are you tied to him financially?

Tigersneeze · 30/06/2020 16:20

not ok. hills!

AryaStarkWolf · 30/06/2020 16:20

You already had your warning sign with the first incident. People accept different things in relationships, this kind of thing would be a massive deal breaker for me.

Onacleardayyoucansee · 30/06/2020 16:21

Hard work.
Wrong on so many levels, needs a complete reprogramme.

Find someone on the same page as you.

SpiderStan · 30/06/2020 16:22

@HollowTalk

What a dick. Are you tied to him financially?
I'm 20 weeks pregnant with his baby, but not necessarily tied to him financially.

He promised me he would stop doing this sort of shit. It's massively disrespectful. I'm just glad she didn't flirt back. She obviously wasn't interested in his flirting.

OP posts:
Tink2007 · 30/06/2020 16:25

I thought he was a dick before a read your update. He’s an absolute wanker considering you are having his child.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 30/06/2020 16:27

I'm not keen on this kind of shit - it's the old "oh it's just banter" trope that will have him making you out to be a sensitive sally whilst he does whatever the fuck his ego wants. If he wants to flirt on work calls, release him back into the wilds where he can be an arsehole and use arse-clenching phrases like "that's what she said".

You deserve to be treated well. If you don't feel he's doing that, you're not obliged to stay with him.

Somethingkindaoooo · 30/06/2020 16:27

I'm just glad she didn't flirt back.

How reassuring is it?
What about the next person?
My ex partner used to neg women he worked with to throw me off track

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 30/06/2020 16:28

The fact that he’s acting like that with you pregnant makes it even worse!

The way I read it, she was flirting with him too

TenShortStories · 30/06/2020 16:29

What an extra kick in teeth for you as you're pregnant. Crap.

On the plus side, you're only 20w. You have plenty of time to get yourself set up and ready for your lovely baby without him.

KitKat2020 · 30/06/2020 16:29

That’s not just flirting. It could be sexual harassment.

The GIF his co worker sent If the turkey was in poor taste.

No idea what the context or backstory is, but based on sending a few joke GIFs back and forward, it doesn’t seem like she was inviting a comment about her own breasts.

She may have been incredibly uncomfortable, or she may have found it funny/ flirty. Difficult to tell.

Eckhart · 30/06/2020 16:30

He promised me he would stop doing this sort of shit

No decent partner would be in a position to have to make this promise.

It doesn't matter if he keeps it or not. The damage was done before he had to promise this.

PlanDeRaccordement · 30/06/2020 16:35

I agree crude banter and gifs of tits and genitals are 100% inappropriate in any work situation. He needs to stop it before he crosses a line with a female colleague and gets dismissed for sexual harassment. Half the time a woman will be “ha ha” on the outside but uncomfortable and thinking “report, report” on the inside. He should know better not to do it.

Non crude flirty behaviour would not affect my relationship though. Some men are just flirty but it’s obvious they are not serious. I don’t see it as trying to cheat on me or being disrespectful to me. It’s more about having fun flattering each other. But then I’m talking about tasteful comments to old friends (eg like saying to an old female friend that she’s got a post holiday glow and looks fabulous) not crude banter to work mates about tits/balls or cheer the fuck up. They’re two completely different things.

bestbrowsintown · 30/06/2020 16:39

I'd divorce my husband if he was doing that, especially if there had already been a disagreement about it.

SpiderStan · 30/06/2020 16:45

@PlanDeRaccordement

I agree crude banter and gifs of tits and genitals are 100% inappropriate in any work situation. He needs to stop it before he crosses a line with a female colleague and gets dismissed for sexual harassment. Half the time a woman will be “ha ha” on the outside but uncomfortable and thinking “report, report” on the inside. He should know better not to do it.

Non crude flirty behaviour would not affect my relationship though. Some men are just flirty but it’s obvious they are not serious. I don’t see it as trying to cheat on me or being disrespectful to me. It’s more about having fun flattering each other. But then I’m talking about tasteful comments to old friends (eg like saying to an old female friend that she’s got a post holiday glow and looks fabulous) not crude banter to work mates about tits/balls or cheer the fuck up. They’re two completely different things.

We had this conversation around complimenting others, I agreed with him that complimenting others in a non-sexual or flirty manner is acceptable - such as "you look lovely" or "you look great" but not "I bet you get that a lot!" when the topic of her breasts comes up. Or "Thats what she said".

He is 42 years old. "Joanna" is early twenties. The bitching about co-workers alone was enough to make me angry, the rest of it just makes me feel a bit broken Sad

OP posts: