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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this acceptable? DP possibly flirting?

126 replies

SpiderStan · 30/06/2020 16:05

Partner has some form of being flirty with his female co-workers in the past but always said it was never intended as flirting, etc. I used to work in the same company as him and discovered that he had invited a co-worker out to get her drunk as he was “intrigued” to see what she was like drunk. He also commented on her short skirts as well. They sent each other selfies of their costumes at Halloween last year and after she sent hers, she messaged “I’m not trying to seduce you by the way 😉”

We had a huge argument about this, because I said it was flirty and he should have stopped it, his behaviour towards her had been allowing her to think it was ok to be playful like that.

So fast forward to last week;

Partner was on a video call with his team.

He kept hiding his Skype chat screen every time I walked past, and looking over his shoulder to see if I had left the room yet.
This is unlike him, so I snooped and found the chat he was hiding from me.

Him and a (very attractive) female co-worker were chatting on Skype during the video call. We will call her Joanna. Now Joanna is someone that my partner claims in the past to have disliked and has talked some crap about her.

He sent Joanna a message some time during the call saying “OMG Gemma cheer the fuck up!!!!” – (Gemma is the name we will give to someone in his team who was also on the team call.) I found this to be incredibly bitchy of him to do and have no respect for that.

Joanna responded with “I know right?! Stop making me laugh!”

He then started a little game between the two of them.. to see if they could make each other laugh during the video call.

A few gifs back and forth, one she sent was of a turkey with rather large balls hanging down from its chin and the caption said “My eyes are up here!”

Partner responded with “I bet you get that a lot! :D” and then sent a gif of a woman jumping up and down with her tits bouncing.

Joanna messages saying “This is so hard, hahaha”

He says “That’s what she said.”

Joanna responds “I’m so glad Gemma said something I could laugh at. I was struggling to hold that in hahahaha”

He says“…That’s what she said.”

Then he posts a gif of a girl playing with her hair and says “Look she plays with her hair too. Why do you play with your hair a lot? :D”

She didn’t respond. She just sent a funny and non-rude gif back.

This whole thing made me feel uncomfortable.

So what would you think?

OP posts:
ErickBroch · 30/06/2020 16:46

If he was flirting like that SINGLE I would cringe but this is appalling! I am truly sorry to hear you are pregnant with HIS baby :( This will never get better... I feel like it must be hard to leave when pregnant with his child but this is going to get worse.

ErickBroch · 30/06/2020 16:47

Oh and the age gap between them makes it even worse of course.

shalhoub · 30/06/2020 16:49

He sounds so creepy

redbigbananafeet · 30/06/2020 16:49

Is he her senior in work? I bet she felt so uncomfortable

justanotherneighinparadise · 30/06/2020 16:53

Oh you poor thing. He sounds awful. I’m sorry I imagined he was early twenties and would have advised you sack him off and let him grow up

EmperorCovidula · 30/06/2020 16:54

If you told him you didn’t like it and he said he’d stop then it’s not ok. Some relationships have room for this sort of thing, I’m sure someone will find along to tell you that they don’t see anything wrong with it blah blah blah but that’s really not the point. You do, and you communicated that which resulted in an agreement to stop which he has breeched. It’s not acceptable to break promises, whatever they are.

SpiderStan · 30/06/2020 16:55

@redbigbananafeet

Is he her senior in work? I bet she felt so uncomfortable
Not exactly. It's hard to explain. He has been giving instruction to her and a few others in the team on a project they have been working on, so acting sort of like a team leader (and to "Gemma" too) but technically they are on the same sort of level, just slightly different jobs.
OP posts:
LockdownMayhem · 30/06/2020 17:01

I bet she felt so uncomfortable

Although she appears less flirty than him, she still sent a crude gif which appeared to have kicked off the more inappropriate messages/GIFs, so i don't feel too bad for her. If she was genuinely not wanting to be involved, she could have shut it down, but she didn't.

But yes, your partner is a complete dick and I would be really unhappy with this, whether he intended it to be flirty or not.

verybritishproblems · 30/06/2020 17:03

He would cheat in a heartbeat. Fuck him off.

I audibly gasped at some of that. I have a laugh with male work colleagues but that crossed the line more than once!

PlanDeRaccordement · 30/06/2020 17:11

Thank you for response OP. You are being more than reasonable.
Honestly, at 42 it deeply disturbing that he’s still at the level of a rude 12yr old in how he banters. And to do that during a work meeting with a woman young enough to be his daughter is really disgusting.
I hope he grows up and fast, because I can honestly say I could not put up with it. He’s a disaster waiting to happen. He will get pulled up for sexual harassment abs be blacklisted and unemployed before he’s 50. And good luck finding a decent job when you’re close to 50 and keep acting like a dirty old creep.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 30/06/2020 17:13

Partner has some form of being flirty with his female co-workers in the past

twat

I discovered that he had invited a co-worker out to get her drunk as he was “intrigued” to see what she was like drunk.

massive twat

He also commented on her short skirts as well.

twat

They sent each other selfies of their costumes at Halloween last year and after she sent hers, she messaged “I’m not trying to seduce you by the way 😉”

She’s a twat

We had a huge argument about this, because I said it was flirty and he should have stopped it, his behaviour towards her had been allowing her to think it was ok to be playful like that.

Well done for pulling him up on it.

So fast forward to last week;

He kept hiding his Skype chat screen every time I walked past, and looking over his shoulder to see if I had left the room yet.

sneaky twat

Now Joanna is someone that my partner claims in the past to have disliked and has talked some crap about her.

two faced twat

He then started a little game between the two of them.. to see if they could make each other laugh during the video call.

immature twat

A few gifs back and forth, one she sent was of a turkey with rather large balls hanging down from its chin and the caption said “My eyes are up here!”

Partner responded with “I bet you get that a lot! :D” and then sent a gif of a woman jumping up and down with her tits bouncing.

lecherous twat

Joanna messages saying “This is so hard, hahaha”

He says “That’s what she said.”

Joanna responds “I’m so glad Gemma said something I could laugh at. I was struggling to hold that in hahahaha”

He says“…That’s what she said.”

repetitive unoriginal twat

Then he posts a gif of a girl playing with her hair and says “Look she plays with her hair too. Why do you play with your hair a lot? :D”

crap at flirting pair of twats

She didn’t respond. She just sent a funny and non-rude gif back.

This whole thing made me feel uncomfortable.

So what would you think?

He’s a twat

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 30/06/2020 17:15

He is 42 years old. "Joanna" is early twenties

Ewww creepy twat

TJ17 · 30/06/2020 17:19

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

Partner has some form of being flirty with his female co-workers in the past

twat

I discovered that he had invited a co-worker out to get her drunk as he was “intrigued” to see what she was like drunk.

massive twat

He also commented on her short skirts as well.

twat

They sent each other selfies of their costumes at Halloween last year and after she sent hers, she messaged “I’m not trying to seduce you by the way 😉”

She’s a twat

We had a huge argument about this, because I said it was flirty and he should have stopped it, his behaviour towards her had been allowing her to think it was ok to be playful like that.

Well done for pulling him up on it.

So fast forward to last week;

He kept hiding his Skype chat screen every time I walked past, and looking over his shoulder to see if I had left the room yet.

sneaky twat

Now Joanna is someone that my partner claims in the past to have disliked and has talked some crap about her.

two faced twat

He then started a little game between the two of them.. to see if they could make each other laugh during the video call.

immature twat

A few gifs back and forth, one she sent was of a turkey with rather large balls hanging down from its chin and the caption said “My eyes are up here!”

Partner responded with “I bet you get that a lot! :D” and then sent a gif of a woman jumping up and down with her tits bouncing.

lecherous twat

Joanna messages saying “This is so hard, hahaha”

He says “That’s what she said.”

Joanna responds “I’m so glad Gemma said something I could laugh at. I was struggling to hold that in hahahaha”

He says“…That’s what she said.”

repetitive unoriginal twat

Then he posts a gif of a girl playing with her hair and says “Look she plays with her hair too. Why do you play with your hair a lot? :D”

crap at flirting pair of twats

She didn’t respond. She just sent a funny and non-rude gif back.

This whole thing made me feel uncomfortable.

So what would you think?

He’s a twat

I loved this 😂

Sorry you are going through this OP, I think it's really disrespectful and I would always be worried what else he would hide (can't help but wonder where he'd draw the line if things for reciprocated) he's probably just massively insecure and likes the attention but either way it's completely unfair on you.

All in all - he's a twat

Flittingabout · 30/06/2020 17:30

Oh dear

You have ignored all the previous red flags in order to have a baby. A sperm donor would be much more reliable and not cheat on you.

Give it time and he will definitely have an affair. All it will take is the baby's arrival and the neglect he will feel...he is already on the lookout I think.

Fifthtimelucky · 30/06/2020 17:33

Completely unacceptable for so many reasons.

Apart from anything else, If I worked in the team, or managed it, I'd be very cross if I found out that this sort of thing was going on in private during a wider team discussion in work time.

They were clearly paying little attention to whatever the meeting was supposed to be about and showing a complete lack of respect to the other people on the call.

Whysomanyexcuses · 30/06/2020 17:36

Yuck what a partner you have.

Why bother with him? Sounds an idiot, a wally and the pair of them are unprofessional to bitch about the other lady in the 'meeting'.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/06/2020 17:39

Jesus, he's 42? I had pictured in my mind a man in his mid-twenties. There is absolutely no hope for him, and I agree that he would cheat on you at the first available opportunity.

MalcomTuckerisMyIdol · 30/06/2020 17:43

Has no one picked up on this bit

discovered that he had invited a co-worker out to get her drunk as he was “intrigued” to see what she was like drunk.

That is some seriously sinister behaviour.

I saw you post about this on another thread - but the details are actually quite a lot worse. Am so sorry you’re in this situation.

Skyliner001 · 30/06/2020 17:43

He sounds like an embarrassment.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 30/06/2020 17:49

Unprofessional, immature, creepy, unfaithful, possibly predatory.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 30/06/2020 17:49

I think his behaviour is so unprofessional. He might end up with a grievance from either Gemma or Joanna. Are you married?

CreditCrackers · 30/06/2020 17:52

To me this sounds like more of a Chandler than a Joey. More of a joke than a flirt. He sounds more like one of her bitchy girlfriends - totally platonic like a stereotyped gay best friend. I really wouldn't be worried by this. Mumsnet will ALWAYS tell you to LTB.

SurreyHillsGirl · 30/06/2020 17:52

Eugh 🤢

Patsypie · 30/06/2020 17:52

Grotesque. Pity you're having his child but I'd tell him to fuck off. He's creepy and is ready to cheat

FizzyGreenWater · 30/06/2020 17:56

In the words of the awesome MarkRuffaloCrumble

he's a twat.

it's hardly likely that he absolutely lovely in every other way and has incredibly been bodyswapped with a TWAT for a few afternoons here and there so... what are your thoughts on getting rid??

Not ideal in pregnancy, but MUCH easier than after it...