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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this acceptable? DP possibly flirting?

126 replies

SpiderStan · 30/06/2020 16:05

Partner has some form of being flirty with his female co-workers in the past but always said it was never intended as flirting, etc. I used to work in the same company as him and discovered that he had invited a co-worker out to get her drunk as he was “intrigued” to see what she was like drunk. He also commented on her short skirts as well. They sent each other selfies of their costumes at Halloween last year and after she sent hers, she messaged “I’m not trying to seduce you by the way 😉”

We had a huge argument about this, because I said it was flirty and he should have stopped it, his behaviour towards her had been allowing her to think it was ok to be playful like that.

So fast forward to last week;

Partner was on a video call with his team.

He kept hiding his Skype chat screen every time I walked past, and looking over his shoulder to see if I had left the room yet.
This is unlike him, so I snooped and found the chat he was hiding from me.

Him and a (very attractive) female co-worker were chatting on Skype during the video call. We will call her Joanna. Now Joanna is someone that my partner claims in the past to have disliked and has talked some crap about her.

He sent Joanna a message some time during the call saying “OMG Gemma cheer the fuck up!!!!” – (Gemma is the name we will give to someone in his team who was also on the team call.) I found this to be incredibly bitchy of him to do and have no respect for that.

Joanna responded with “I know right?! Stop making me laugh!”

He then started a little game between the two of them.. to see if they could make each other laugh during the video call.

A few gifs back and forth, one she sent was of a turkey with rather large balls hanging down from its chin and the caption said “My eyes are up here!”

Partner responded with “I bet you get that a lot! :D” and then sent a gif of a woman jumping up and down with her tits bouncing.

Joanna messages saying “This is so hard, hahaha”

He says “That’s what she said.”

Joanna responds “I’m so glad Gemma said something I could laugh at. I was struggling to hold that in hahahaha”

He says“…That’s what she said.”

Then he posts a gif of a girl playing with her hair and says “Look she plays with her hair too. Why do you play with your hair a lot? :D”

She didn’t respond. She just sent a funny and non-rude gif back.

This whole thing made me feel uncomfortable.

So what would you think?

OP posts:
Nymeriastark1 · 01/07/2020 12:54

He wanted to see what she's like drunk....? I'm gunna say it how it is, that's sounds rapey as fuck. Dump him he's a creep.

SummerWhisper · 01/07/2020 13:17

The fact that he works in HR means he should be more familiar with the company's policies than most in the company because he will likely deliver training in how to use them. Therefore he should understand that his awful behaviour can be dealt with under the Dignity at Work policy (Gemma) and the Sexual Harassment policy (Joanna) to start with. Flirting is disrespectful to you, never mind his excuse of intent. Liability to his company and utter creep.

Userzzz · 01/07/2020 13:18

It's really inappropriate of him to act like that. Some places would have you lose your job over language like that.

Onepostonlyjustone · 01/07/2020 13:28

Aside from your relationship, he is not a good man. And I feel sorry for anyone having to work around that atmosphere. I would get away from him asap, his actions are outrageous, but being around him all the time will only lower your version of "acceptable".

SpiderStan · 01/07/2020 16:35

Thank you for all your responses. You're right. Just, my heads a bit of a mess and I need to think about my next steps.

To answer the questions about why he invited his colleague out to see what she is like drunk, I found out about it only last year and the lack of trust caused us to go to therapy. He said he wanted to get her drunk because she is always so serious at work. He did work very closely with her and they got along like decent work friends but he agreed that his behaviour was not good and he said he would watch what he is saying in future, he agreed that it sounded like he was trying to make a move on her by offering her out to get her drunk. She left the business just before Christmas and now it looks like he's trying to fill the void she left for him. I can't do it any more.

We didn't get pregnant intentionally. He was ready but I wasn't, however it has happened and here we are now. I need time to think.

OP posts:
Cocobean30 · 01/07/2020 17:36

His behaviour is pathetic and cringed and totoally disrespectful to you. The fact he hid his Skype screen suggests he fancies her and didn’t want you clocking on.

Motoko · 01/07/2020 18:13

He wanted to see what she's like drunk....? I'm gunna say it how it is, that's sounds rapey as fuck

I agree. I don't know how you can share a bed with this man, not just because of the above, but also his other behaviour makes my creepometer go off the scale. How come you don't see it?

This is not a good relationship, he is not a good man. Cut your losses now, don't put it off any longer. You made that mistake before and are now expecting a baby, that you weren't ready for. A mistake that has changed the rest of your life.

Start planning a new life without him.

thepeopleversuswork · 01/07/2020 18:17

Agree that this behaviour and this mindset is beyond grim. Even without the examples of his trying to target specific women he seems to have an incredibly misogynistic and disrespectful mindset to women in general.

I think your life would be immeasurably improved by removing him from it.

Vodkacranberryplease · 01/07/2020 18:32

@SpiderStan do you think that she left the business because he was sexually harassing her? I do. A young girl who is serious at work is taken out by a much older colleague and plied with drink. Then leaves not long after.

I'm sorry but this is appalling. What a sleazy, predatory man. But he has contacts in HR so what can any of these girls do? I'm not projecting anything and this isn't far fetched. It's pretty obvious actually. Unless he is fucking gorgeous he's not being chased by them - and I seriously doubt he's super hot.

He's just a sleazy older man taking advantage of his position and power to prey on young girls. They like the attention, but not when the conversation turns to sex, which, quelle surprise, it does. Regularly.

And now you are pregnant and will probably stay rather than be a single mum. But you would be far, far better off being a single mum. And if you think talking and counselling will have any effect at all you are fooling yourself.

I don't even know why you are debating this with him. He's admitting nothing to anyone and telling you what you want to hear. This isn't flirting. This is workplace sexual harassment, and these people have no shame.

Greenkit · 01/07/2020 18:36

He needs to leave, he will never change

Girlsjustwanna · 02/07/2020 00:16

Op I’m so sorry he’s vile

SkySmiler · 02/07/2020 12:40

He's a player, putting feelers out for an affair, agree you should leave asap, save yourself so much heartache and pain.

FuckKnowsMate · 02/07/2020 12:45

He really is disgusting. Please work out a plan to leave him when your head is more clear. You deserve and can do so much better. Do not be scared at the prospect of being a single parent either, you sound like you have your head screwed on OP and you will find someone far more worthy of you.

OpenWheelRace · 02/07/2020 12:48

@Redyellowpink

I hope you leave and I hope Joanna goes to HR.

I also hope Gemma's ok Confused

This with bells on
FuckKnowsMate · 02/07/2020 12:49

Oh and he sounds so so similar to my ex who was incredibly flirty with absolutely everyone. We broke up in March and he has a new girlfriend already moved in who he had been messaging behind my back. You’re better off alone OP I promise you that.

OpenWheelRace · 02/07/2020 12:54

I'd hate to be his colleague so can't even imagine what it'd be like to live with

Sittingontheveranda · 02/07/2020 12:54

I’m sorry OP. What a position to be in during mid pregnancy.

Do you have somebody in real life to confide in? Can you move to your parent’s house if they are supportive?

mysuperpowerisme · 02/07/2020 13:42

Its just a complete lack of respect OP.

He knows what hes doing.

And purposefully getting a woman drunk is just plain weird and creepy and im pretty sure he wanted to see her wild side to see if she would get with a creep like him.

TiddlestheCat · 02/07/2020 17:03

Aside from it being flirtatious, his behaviour is just so embarrassing! It's just so sleazy. He's trying to impress a younger colleague by acting like a clown and by laughing at others. Who does this, esp at the age of 42?? It's so cringe worthy and unintelligent. It's just not someone that I would want to raise a child with. I would want someone who acts more responsibly. Someone who took the notion of a job and financial support seriously. Someone who could raise a child to know what is right and wrong. This is just very off-putting to me.

fuckoffImcounting · 02/07/2020 17:23

This is not just flirting, it is rampant A grade, world class, looking for a shag with someone young. Of course you are needing some support while you a pregnant, but long term this arse is just going to keep causing you pain.

Elsa8 · 02/07/2020 17:31

This would be a total dealbreaker for me. Utterly inappropriate!

Sandii · 02/07/2020 18:25

Oh dear . Not bloody nice ....how would he like it 😠 If you’re pregnant you obviously won’t want to throw him out when probably nothing has happened. However , the reality is, when the baby comes you’ll be exhausted and grumpy and won’t want to be putting him first ( my experience only ) so the LAST thing you need is him looking for his validation and laughs elsewhere. You probably need to have a really frank and brutal talk with him . He needs to grow up and put your feelings first . Good luck x

bitofasleuth · 02/07/2020 23:36

Sorry you find yourself in this situation OP. This is massively disrespectful towards you, and he seems to view his 'flirting' as some sort of hobby.

He is going beyond what is acceptable in the workplace, and he's going to end up being accused of sexual harassment before too long.

MsDogLady · 03/07/2020 06:25

...the lack of trust caused us to go to therapy...and he agreed he would watch what he is saying in future, he agreed that it sounded like he was trying to make a move on her...

He didn’t take the counseling or his agreement seriously. His priority is pursuing these inappropriate ego boosts.

Mulhollandmagoo · 03/07/2020 12:48

My advise is to leave, but I know its easier said than done. You'll be so much happier and able to concentrate on your new baby without all this on your shoulders. He has no respect for you at all, or any of these women he works with and you said you were relieved that Joanna didn't flirt back, well one day either someone will, or he will badly misread some signals, go a step too far and get himself into some serious trouble, get out before that happens.

I was floored when you said he was 42 as his behaviour sounded more like a young lad in his early 20's not a middle aged man with a pregnant partner. the couples therapy was pointless as he just paid lip service to it to keep you quiet at the time.