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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this acceptable? DP possibly flirting?

126 replies

SpiderStan · 30/06/2020 16:05

Partner has some form of being flirty with his female co-workers in the past but always said it was never intended as flirting, etc. I used to work in the same company as him and discovered that he had invited a co-worker out to get her drunk as he was “intrigued” to see what she was like drunk. He also commented on her short skirts as well. They sent each other selfies of their costumes at Halloween last year and after she sent hers, she messaged “I’m not trying to seduce you by the way 😉”

We had a huge argument about this, because I said it was flirty and he should have stopped it, his behaviour towards her had been allowing her to think it was ok to be playful like that.

So fast forward to last week;

Partner was on a video call with his team.

He kept hiding his Skype chat screen every time I walked past, and looking over his shoulder to see if I had left the room yet.
This is unlike him, so I snooped and found the chat he was hiding from me.

Him and a (very attractive) female co-worker were chatting on Skype during the video call. We will call her Joanna. Now Joanna is someone that my partner claims in the past to have disliked and has talked some crap about her.

He sent Joanna a message some time during the call saying “OMG Gemma cheer the fuck up!!!!” – (Gemma is the name we will give to someone in his team who was also on the team call.) I found this to be incredibly bitchy of him to do and have no respect for that.

Joanna responded with “I know right?! Stop making me laugh!”

He then started a little game between the two of them.. to see if they could make each other laugh during the video call.

A few gifs back and forth, one she sent was of a turkey with rather large balls hanging down from its chin and the caption said “My eyes are up here!”

Partner responded with “I bet you get that a lot! :D” and then sent a gif of a woman jumping up and down with her tits bouncing.

Joanna messages saying “This is so hard, hahaha”

He says “That’s what she said.”

Joanna responds “I’m so glad Gemma said something I could laugh at. I was struggling to hold that in hahahaha”

He says“…That’s what she said.”

Then he posts a gif of a girl playing with her hair and says “Look she plays with her hair too. Why do you play with your hair a lot? :D”

She didn’t respond. She just sent a funny and non-rude gif back.

This whole thing made me feel uncomfortable.

So what would you think?

OP posts:
Vodkacranberryplease · 01/07/2020 00:48

Oh ugh. Honestly he's just such a sleaze. Ick.

If he's not shagging around I'll be gobsmacked.

Popc0rn · 01/07/2020 00:59

I used to work in the same company as him and discovered that he had invited a co-worker out to get her drunk as he was “intrigued” to see what she was like drunk.

WTF. Is this while you were together? Even if it's before you got together, how creepy does that sentence sound Envy (definitely not envy!)

Now Joanna is someone that my partner claims in the past to have disliked and has talked some crap about her.

Yep. Heard that story before. Bet he can't stand her Hmm...he's saying that to distract you from the fact he'd quite to like to sleep with her.

Buggedandconfused · 01/07/2020 01:36

I’m sorry OP, but I’d be embarrassed to have him as my partner and father of my children. He sounds awful.

Mothership4two · 01/07/2020 02:17

This situation sounds similar to what happened to a friends ex. He and work colleague did some pretty hard core mutual flirting, but it went no further than that (though sure he would have liked it to) until she confessed to her partner who went ballistic. She then went to HR and accused him of sexual harrassment. Work asked him to leave, or be sacked, which he did.

OP your partner shouldn't have to promise you not to flirt with colleagues, he just shouldn't do it. I would not want to share my life with a disrespectful idiot like that.

Yeahnahmum · 01/07/2020 03:54

Office banter is fine
Whether that is with a male or female colleague BUT... Your partner is treating you like a fool and this is gross behaviour. He has no respect for you. And you have no respect for yourself if you stay in this 'relationship'

Josette77 · 01/07/2020 04:50

You need to leave. You need some self respect for the sake of you and your baby.

overnightangel · 01/07/2020 05:05

He sounds like not only a massive cunt , but also a chronically childish and unfunny thick fucker.

ElizabethMainwaring · 01/07/2020 05:06

@Vodkacranberryplease

Oh ugh. Honestly he's just such a sleaze. Ick.

If he's not shagging around I'll be gobsmacked.

That's exactly what I think. He's up for anything with anyone. I used to work with someone like this. He was shagging students while his wife was on maternity leave.
MsDogLady · 01/07/2020 05:41

Wow, what a pair of ‘Mean Girls’ they are. Very unprofessional, and they obviously think they are so cute.

It sounds like he and Joanna have an ongoing flirtation. She was setting up his innuendos. This and the other example show that he thrives on acting like a sleazy single man with other women.

His lack of respect for you is appalling. You’ve written before about his overt and covert narcissistic traits.

You and your baby deserve much better than this.

ukgift2016 · 01/07/2020 06:31

To be harsh here OP but this not new behaviour is it? You knew he was a sleaze when it came to women. Did you expect him to magically change?

WaterOffADucksCrack · 01/07/2020 06:45

This just sounds like good old-fashioned office banter. Oh ok do you invite people half your age round to get drunk so you can take advantage then? And comment on their breast size? Good to know you're a creep too.

Original poster
SpiderStan · 01/07/2020 08:30

*I used to work in the same company as him and discovered that he had invited a co-worker out to get her drunk as he was “intrigued” to see what she was like drunk.

WTF. Is this while you were together? Even if it's before you got together, how creepy does that sentence sound envy (definitely not envy!)*

This happened about 6 months into our relationship. I was still working there at the time but in a different office.

To be harsh here OP but this not new behaviour is it? You knew he was a sleaze when it came to women. Did you expect him to magically change?

I wish I had time to write all the excuses he has. We have been to couples therapy and this has come up quite a lot. The biggest takeaway I have from our discussions on the subject is that he doesn't see it as flirting and flirting is all about "intent" - I asked him to think about how others perceive it and he promised he would think about that and watch himself in future. He obviously hasn't done that.

The worst thing is, I honestly don't think he will see the problem when I bring this up to him.

OP posts:
Vodkacranberryplease · 01/07/2020 08:32

I think you are in complete denial about who and what he is.

borntohula · 01/07/2020 08:37

Urgh. I feel for you and her, it's so DRAINING when men turn everything into an innuendo, especially when you don't fancy them.

AnotherEmma · 01/07/2020 08:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

namesnames · 01/07/2020 08:45

He's 42?

The Sype chat is inappropriate, but the fact he deliberately wanted to get a young woman drunk is disgusting.

Intrigued my arse. What a predatory creep, this is your life now if you choose to stay.

Macncheeseballs · 01/07/2020 08:46

I wonder how many women are 'intrigued' to see what men are like drunk

Flittingabout · 01/07/2020 08:50

Oh no OP. The worst part is you can't see that bringing it up to him is pointless. He doesn't care. This, the man doing this, is who he is. He will not change if therapy hasn't given him any insight.

Cramitmaam · 01/07/2020 09:05

Oh my god, just leave. Leave now. It will never get better, you will always be checking up on him and finding out that he is doing stuff like this. Just leave now and save yourself the bother.

Tooshytoshine · 01/07/2020 09:18

He is the sort of man who I would have hated working with in my twenties. Fragile ego, midlife crisis and pregnant girlfriend - you just had to humour them and then roll your eyes with colleagues.

But things have changed in the past fifteen years (even in the past few years) and now I would report him to HR for sexual harrassment. He is a predatory lech.

I would make plans to go it alone with my child. He will either up his game or he won't, but at the moment he has no maturity or self awareness. It's up to him to get that and not you - he sounds a bit disappointing.

XiCi · 01/07/2020 09:27

discovered that he had invited a co-worker out to get her drunk as he was “intrigued” to see what she was like drunk

That would be me gone. No way I would stay with someone after finding this out. Intrigued to see whether he could get off with her when she was drunk more like. He sounds grim.

SerenDippitty · 01/07/2020 09:38

@CountreeGurl

Where the hell does he work, no one in my team would be so unprofessional to write that kind of stuff down
This. Where I used to work it was constantly drummed into us that any kind of work related written interaction including WhatsApp groups could constitute a record and could be disclosable under FOI and we should be really careful even with phone calls in case they were being recorded!
Abitouting · 01/07/2020 09:39

If he's this disrespectful now then it's going to get a lot worse once you have your baby.

You either sort things out now and end this relationship. Or you wait until your baby is here and things gradually get a lot worse and a lot more painful.

Seriously OP, his behaviour is seriously not OK and he will not change.

Popc0rn · 01/07/2020 12:41

The worst thing is, I honestly don't think he will see the problem when I bring this up to him.

Oh I'm sure he knows it's wrong. Otherwise why was he acting shifty and hiding his screen when you were in the room? Because he doesn't want you to know. Because he knows it's wrong and he'll struggle to worm his way out again.

Did he tell you that he was going to take the co worker out to get her drunk when you'd been already together for six months? (Which even if he'd been single at the time, makes him sound like a creepy sexual predator). Or did you find out about it afterwards from someone else at work? I'd bet money that he didn't tell you about it prior to doing it.

Because he didn't want you to know.

Because he knew it was wrong.

I don't know what to suggest OP, apart from cutting your loses now and leaving him. 3 years together, relationship counselling, a baby on the way and he's still being a creep? I'd say you'd be better off on your own than with someone who you can't trust, and you don't, otherwise you wouldn't have checked his messages. And that's not a criticism btw, you should not trust this guy.

You have the information you need to see he's not going to change, so what are you going to do about it? 35 is so young, I'd get out sooner rather than later.

AryaStarkWolf · 01/07/2020 12:44

The worst thing is, I honestly don't think he will see the problem when I bring this up to him.

As the poster above pointed out, he can't say he didn't see anything wrong with it since he was covering doing his best to hide it from you, he knows at the very least that you would find something wrong with it.