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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this acceptable? DP possibly flirting?

126 replies

SpiderStan · 30/06/2020 16:05

Partner has some form of being flirty with his female co-workers in the past but always said it was never intended as flirting, etc. I used to work in the same company as him and discovered that he had invited a co-worker out to get her drunk as he was “intrigued” to see what she was like drunk. He also commented on her short skirts as well. They sent each other selfies of their costumes at Halloween last year and after she sent hers, she messaged “I’m not trying to seduce you by the way 😉”

We had a huge argument about this, because I said it was flirty and he should have stopped it, his behaviour towards her had been allowing her to think it was ok to be playful like that.

So fast forward to last week;

Partner was on a video call with his team.

He kept hiding his Skype chat screen every time I walked past, and looking over his shoulder to see if I had left the room yet.
This is unlike him, so I snooped and found the chat he was hiding from me.

Him and a (very attractive) female co-worker were chatting on Skype during the video call. We will call her Joanna. Now Joanna is someone that my partner claims in the past to have disliked and has talked some crap about her.

He sent Joanna a message some time during the call saying “OMG Gemma cheer the fuck up!!!!” – (Gemma is the name we will give to someone in his team who was also on the team call.) I found this to be incredibly bitchy of him to do and have no respect for that.

Joanna responded with “I know right?! Stop making me laugh!”

He then started a little game between the two of them.. to see if they could make each other laugh during the video call.

A few gifs back and forth, one she sent was of a turkey with rather large balls hanging down from its chin and the caption said “My eyes are up here!”

Partner responded with “I bet you get that a lot! :D” and then sent a gif of a woman jumping up and down with her tits bouncing.

Joanna messages saying “This is so hard, hahaha”

He says “That’s what she said.”

Joanna responds “I’m so glad Gemma said something I could laugh at. I was struggling to hold that in hahahaha”

He says“…That’s what she said.”

Then he posts a gif of a girl playing with her hair and says “Look she plays with her hair too. Why do you play with your hair a lot? :D”

She didn’t respond. She just sent a funny and non-rude gif back.

This whole thing made me feel uncomfortable.

So what would you think?

OP posts:
MalcomTuckerisMyIdol · 30/06/2020 17:57

@CreditCrackers are you serious?

JoeCalFuckingZaghe · 30/06/2020 18:00

He’s crossed the line once. If he didn’t know where the line was he did after the first incident so he deliberately dismissed your feelings and crossed the line anyway. If you continue in this relationship it’s saying to him that this behaviour is ok and he has free reign to do it again. He doesn’t respect you, and you deserve way more than that.

KitKat2020 · 30/06/2020 18:00

He sounds more like one of her bitchy girlfriends

Yes, but why is a 42 year old man acting like that with a younger female colleague? He’s not a character from a sitcom or a ‘gay best friend’.

And the personal comments? Those are sleazy.

AnyFucker · 30/06/2020 18:02

Do none of them have any actual work to do ? Hmm

lachy · 30/06/2020 18:04

@AnyFucker

Do none of them have any actual work to do ? Hmm
Exactly.
SueEllenMishke · 30/06/2020 18:06

I've never had to ask my DH to promise not to act like that...he wouldn't dream of behaving that way with anyone never mind someone he works with! We met at work and he never sent me anything inappropriate - it's so unprofessional.

He sounds like a dick

fairlyplump · 30/06/2020 18:19

What a disrespectful dick ! Get rid.

VenusTiger · 30/06/2020 18:33

It's not really about what he's saying OP, it's about what he's trying to achieve - he wants attention from any woman he fancies (is keen on) and I disagree that Joanna didn't flirt back - his continuous flow of sexual innuendos and she was responding to every text - she liked the attention too.
What you need to work out is, if one woman one day says "yeah okay, let's have an affair and get this flirting out of the way" what would his next move be? Would he bottle it - in which case is it "harmless" (to him only!) flirting, or is he testing the grounds - what's his ultimate aim here? If his flirting is empty BS then he needs to grow the F up OP - if he's flirting (begging like a dog on heat) at every given opportunity, then I'd be giving him an ultimatum (only in your position being pregnant - otherwise I'd be showing him the door).

Juiceey · 30/06/2020 18:39

@Aquamarine1029

I think you need a new boyfriend. What a twat.
first poster got it in one!
TooTiredTodayOk · 30/06/2020 18:46

discovered that he had invited a co-worker out to get her drunk as he was “intrigued” to see what she was like drunk

Yeah that's creepy as fuck.

He sounds like the type of man who should not be left alone with a drunk woman.

dontdisturbmenow · 30/06/2020 19:04

He's going to lose his job when he's not careful and the discussion ends up on his boss screen!

Redyellowpink · 30/06/2020 19:08

I hope you leave and I hope Joanna goes to HR.

I also hope Gemma's ok Confused

ECBC · 30/06/2020 19:17

YANBU. I thought he was a massive twat at the point he wanted to get a girl drunk because he was intrigued?!! Who does that? Distance yourself from this awful man

melissasummerfield · 30/06/2020 20:20

Sounds like a total letch, one day he will do this kind of thing to the wrong woman at work and he will find himself out of a job too

MalcomTuckerisMyIdol · 30/06/2020 20:33

As an aside - can the zoom host see the chat afterwards.

pigeon999 · 30/06/2020 20:34

I couldn't put up with it either, especially if I was pregnant!

SpiderStan · 30/06/2020 23:14

@MalcomTuckerisMyIdol

As an aside - can the zoom host see the chat afterwards.
No, the video meeting is always done via Teams and he uses Skype with his team to text chat. So while he was on a Teams video chat, he was typing to her on Skype.
OP posts:
CountreeGurl · 30/06/2020 23:15

Where the hell does he work, no one in my team would be so unprofessional to write that kind of stuff down

justilou1 · 30/06/2020 23:21

He’s totally cruising for dismissal if he keeps this shit up. It’s immature and creepy. If it is unappreciated, I am sure he will try and gaslight his “victim”. He is bullying the other girl. If the wrong people see this he won’t get much notice to clear his desk.

Vodkacranberryplease · 30/06/2020 23:26

God I know this type. Like a dog with 2 ducks as we used to say. I always used to wonder if their wives knew or if somehow they managed to just not see what was right there in front of them.

He's making an absolute fool of you. Stay if you like that sort of thing or are happy to turn a blind eye. Or leave if you want to meet a normal man.

Vodkacranberryplease · 30/06/2020 23:26

Sorry dog with 2 dicks I mean! Bloody apple!

Pisspotical · 30/06/2020 23:42

This just sounds like good old-fashioned office banter.
It doesn’t read well in the OP’s dialogue I admit.
In reality however, I’m sure it is perfectly harmless fun.
Some women crave the attention. Others distain it.
Most men need little or no encouragement when it comes to directing flirtatious comments toward like-minded women.

dontgobaconmyheart · 30/06/2020 23:46

He sounds unbearably puerile and stupid OP, how can you bear him at all.

What is the nature of his profession? His behaviour is appallingly unprofessional, really shocking. You would think he was a teenager on work experience (who you'd expect to be sacked Hmm). The behaviour towards 'gemma' is vile.

I'd just get rid of him and dob him in to hair employer. He's harassing women. And yes OP he is obviously trying to flirt with them. The fact they don't reciprocate shouldn't be a relief- he is still doing it and tbh, I expect they aren't reciprocating because he's a vile and unprofessional embarrassing twat.

SpiderStan · 01/07/2020 00:26

What is the nature of his profession?

He works in the Learning & Development department for a travel insurance company. His boss' boss is the head of HR.

OP posts:
Ihaventgottimeforthis · 01/07/2020 00:32

Good old-fashioned office banter is grim.