Fiancé said I was fat

[TryTryTryAgain95]

So I want to make this really clear from the beginning, this is not a regular occurrence, my partner really is supportive and loving and an amazing father, so no bashing him please!

So recently I’ve been struggling with bloating, and having spoken to my doctor I’ve started a tablet to help which I felt was working. So at the dinner table this evening after finishing our meal and saying I was full, I mentioned I hadn’t felt bloated today which was a nice change, and he replied with “no just a big belly” I said “thanks” laughed it off thinking he meant the fact I said I was full. He then said immediately after “maybe you should start yoga again” so I then realised he was actually talking about my weight. I’m by no means small and have definitely put on some weight after having my son 11 months ago, I’m about 10st 10 lbs atm which is about 2 stone heavier than I was and what is a healthy weight for me.

I took myself away from the table, didn’t let on I was upset and just came upstairs. I wanted to sit and evaluate my feelings first before getting angry and upset with him.

But I want to know am I being reasonable being upset about this? Am I just being sensitive? It’s not something he normally says but it did upset me.

I think people should be able to discuss weight and health within a relationship. He is making a helpful suggestion to try and help you be healthier. Maybe he feels you aren't motivated to address the problems.

Get minced ginger works wonders bloating wise.
Try and lose weight if you can too

I agree with @floatyboat that I think this should be a subject which isn’t off limits, if addressed nicely. I am not sure how much gentler he can be in his suggestion. 2 stone over your normal weight is a lot. It’s normal to gain weight in pregnancy etc, but I think important for self esteem and for partners too, to lose it where possible. If DH gained 2 stone I would love him
Just the same, but I would certainly discuss it with him.

@crispysausagerolls

I agree with *@floatyboat that I think this should be a subject which isn’t off limits, if addressed nicely. I am not sure how much gentler he can be in his suggestion. 2 stone over your normal weight is* a lot. It’s normal to gain weight in pregnancy etc, but I think important for self esteem and for partners too, to lose it where possible. If DH gained 2 stone I would love him Just the same, but I would certainly discuss it with him.

Totally agree with this.

Yeah his wording is very clumsy but I think men often don't think before they speak and say things not realising it would hurt our feelings because they might not be offended if you say that sort of thing to them. However, that doesn't make it okay or invalidate how you feel... it just means he probably didn't say it with the intent to hurt you.

I imagine he is trying to be constructive and acknowledging the weight gain (which you yourself admit to) by suggesting you do yoga.

Maybe talk to him about it? Just tell him that although you appreciate his yoga suggestion, his words were hurtful and could he perhaps be more sensitive in future?

Being fat shamed by your partner is not acceptable, and it’s a sign of how problematic people’s attitudes are towards it that the posters above think it’s fine that your partner said this to you - particularly since it wasn’t done in a kind or supportive way, but to cut you down and make you feel embarrassed.

He was being a twat and I totally understand why you feel hurt

It possibly started as a joke but gave him a way in to broach it. It would have hurt me too, but it sounds like he is supportive.

@Floatyboat

I think people should be able to discuss weight and health within a relationship. He is making a helpful suggestion to try and help you be healthier. Maybe he feels you aren't motivated to address the problems.

Feels awful, but justified. Kind suggestion. Maybe yoga would help with bloating and weight loss. ☺️

Mine told me yesterday that if ever reached a size 18 he'd stop finding me attractive. (I'm a size 8-10 atm working on being more of a 6-8).

I still don't know how I feel.about his comments...

I don’t think he was fat shaming her

My bf & I were generally fit and active, but due to lockdown have each put on some weight. We’re both trying to get back to our pre-lockdown activity/diet and are supporting each other, which has been really nice. We motivate each other, run together, meal plan together etc rather than going it alone. This doesn’t have to be a taboo topic.

If hes generally nice and kind ,just maybe a bit tactless? Try not to take his remarks to heart . Maybe think about joining a yoga group when you can (difficult ATM anyway ,and also with a young baby)

Maybe he’s concerned about your weight gain. It is not unacceptable, within the confines of a good relationship, to mention weight.
If your partner gained, say , four stones, would you just ignore it? Mentioning that you’ve noticed isn’t fat shaming. It’s concern.

Bloody hell. There are some low bars on here for partners 😳 supportive my arse

He suggested you do yoga, something that you probably enjoyed and made you feel good. He didn’t tell you to take up long distance running or CrossFit because he thinks you’re fat.

You’re upset because you aren’t happy with your current weight yourself, and having someone else draw attention to it, even inadvertently, has made you feel bad. You don’t feel bad because your DH said something wrong or unkind. Tell him you’re upset if you want, but not because of what he said, and you have no reason to be angry.

Saying she has a "big belly" is not supportive

Have I wandered onto a different site?! What’s with all the fat shaming apologists today?

No it’s not ok for your DP to point out your ‘big belly’ - especially when you’ve got a young baby and are already trying to deal with bloating etc. Tell him you don’t need his helpful suggestions about how to lose the belly, you’re quite capable of working that out for yourself.

And that pointing out your flaws when you tell him you’re feeling a bit better about yourself is a dick move.

Of course you weigh more than you did before you had a baby. Most of us do. Your DP can help you by making sure he’s pulling his weight and that if you want to go to yoga to relax, or to any other class for any reason, that you are supported to do so.

I’m about 3 stone heavier than when I met my DP and he’s never been anything other than lovely about my body. And vice versa.

I find the whole “brutal honesty” about weight attitude on MN very odd. Nobody needs telling that they’re over weight - most of have a mirror, and if not, we all own trousers. We know!

Would you rather he had said nothing at all? I think you should be able to talk about weight within a relationship, with honesty. As long as no one is being nasty about it. As long as you rule out a health issue, than it is up to you what you do about the extra weight.

There are some low bars on here for partners

This could be the strapline for mumsnet.

If your partner gained, say , four stones, would you just ignore it? Mentioning that you’ve noticed isn’t fat shaming.

I wouldn’t have to mention it. My DP is mentally challenged. He’d have noticed long before I did. The only time I’d mention it is to say that I love him and find him physically attractive wherever he weighs, at which point he’d reply “I’m lucky you’re a little bit crazy!” and we’d both laugh. Nobody would be upset or making anyone feel like shit.

*My DP ISN’T mentally challenged!

Stupid autocorrect

It is difficult to give an opinion on the conversation without knowing the tone. It sounds like your DH tried to approach the conversation in a lighthearted way as you thought it was a joke at first. If this is the case then I'd suggest that he was trying to approach a sensitive subject with a little bit of humour. He could be concerned about your health. Maybe it's worth sitting down with him to chat through his concerns? Is he quite a health-conscious and active person or is he being a hypocrite? If he's health-conscious then it could be concern. If he's overweight too, then maybe you could become healthier together. It could be a good bonding experience.

You’re upset because you aren’t happy with your current weight yourself, and having someone else draw attention to it, even inadvertently, has made you feel bad. You don’t feel bad because your DH said something wrong or unkind. Tell him you’re upset if you want, but not because of what he said, and you have no reason to be angry.

This ^^ 100%

The majority of adults in the UK are overweight and all this silly 'Must never talk about it' stuff and accusations of 'Fat shaming' just because someone's dared to utter the obvious, is really not helping.

I don’t see how acknowledging your partner has gained weight - when they themselves have - is “fat shaming”. Goodness me! No wonder so many people are overweight if you can’t discuss weight with partners etc.