Fiancé said I was fat

[TryTryTryAgain95]

So I want to make this really clear from the beginning, this is not a regular occurrence, my partner really is supportive and loving and an amazing father, so no bashing him please!

So recently I’ve been struggling with bloating, and having spoken to my doctor I’ve started a tablet to help which I felt was working. So at the dinner table this evening after finishing our meal and saying I was full, I mentioned I hadn’t felt bloated today which was a nice change, and he replied with “no just a big belly” I said “thanks” laughed it off thinking he meant the fact I said I was full. He then said immediately after “maybe you should start yoga again” so I then realised he was actually talking about my weight. I’m by no means small and have definitely put on some weight after having my son 11 months ago, I’m about 10st 10 lbs atm which is about 2 stone heavier than I was and what is a healthy weight for me.

I took myself away from the table, didn’t let on I was upset and just came upstairs. I wanted to sit and evaluate my feelings first before getting angry and upset with him.

But I want to know am I being reasonable being upset about this? Am I just being sensitive? It’s not something he normally says but it did upset me.

Here we go...

😱 fat shaming 😱

FFS grow up. An adult should be able to take a constructive criticism without shrieking about being shamed.

(Not aimed at OP)

I'd take that as an offer of a free hour at least per night where you get to do a yoga DVD and maybe some weighted hoopla hoping (excellent for tummies bulges and back rolls, I am hooaling as I type!) In peace. Sounds utterly blissful! Enjoy.

@crispysausagerolls

I don’t see how acknowledging your partner has gained weight - when they themselves have - is “fat shaming”. Goodness me! No wonder so many people are overweight if you can’t discuss weight with partners etc.

I agree

Imagine if we weren't allowed to talk about something like epilepsy or asthma for fear of 'Medical condition shaming'.

Do you want to lose weight, be healthier and get back to doing yoga? He didn’t say it as well as he could have but I’m afraid I roll my eyes (not at you!) that no one can mention weight gain due to “fat shaming”. So many things are minimised as “shaming”. Talking about things which may make people a little bit uncomfortable is fine as long as it’s not done cruelly.

Have you been complaining a lot about how you look and the fact you weigh two stone more?

Bodies often change after pregnancy and child birth but gaining and maintaining a heavier weight isn’t inevitable and if you’ve been sharing that you feel negatively about it I expect it was a clumsy way of him expressing his own thoughts.

It doesnt sound like hes done it in a nasty or negative way.

But if you are 2 stone over your target weight then you are fat. Thats a fact. Why try to pretend that you arent?

And so the competitive slimness comments are starting... It usually happens within a few posts, in every thread of this kind. Unless OP is really quite short, she doesn't sound very overweight. And saying someone has a 'fat belly' is not supportively discussing a weight issue. Yes. The bar here is pretty low

Only you know your partner and the way in which they said it. Perhaps he's a right bastard or perhaps he's a lovely guy who got it wrong on this occasion.

If my partner was complaining of bloating and weight gain I would suggest exercise too. Not because I don't love them but because it would help fix both the above! I'm more about the practical advice and taking action rather than the "you do you" school of thought, however.

People who are overweight Know they are overweight. It does not need discussing & everyone knows what you have to do to lose weight. The only exception who i believe can say anything about weight is a doctor-if they must! Fat shaming and all the rest, doesn’t help at all.

But if you are 2 stone over your target weight then you are fat. Thats a fact. Why try to pretend that you arent?

Op hasn't even said what height she is so we've no idea of her bmi to be fair.

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants

And so the competitive slimness comments are starting... It usually happens within a few posts, in every thread of this kind. Unless OP is really quite short, she doesn't sound very overweight. And saying someone has a 'fat belly' is not supportively discussing a weight issue. Yes. The bar here is pretty low

And people usually try to tell an OP that they don't sound very overweight.

I find that bizarre as I'd imagine she knows her body better than you do?

I personally think a healthy relationship is honest about how each person feels about other person's body size. It's better to talk than not talk about it, but with acceptance that body size normally gets bigger as you get older and what are the parameters you can each accept. You need to work our your comfort zone with your partner, OP. Not consult us.

I just feel like we’re all human at the end of the day - it’s okay for you to put on weight, simultaneously it’s understandable if that leads to your partner being less attracted to you.

I am not saying you should do anything you don’t want to do for his visual benefit. But just think about what you do want - if you want time for yoga, or even just time alone away from the baby, tell him he needs to look after the kids himself from time to time to give you the space you need

It's more of a concern that you can't say to him 'You've hurt my feelings', and talk it through.

People who love and trust each other can discuss their insecurities. It seems like MN is more of a safe space for you than your relationship, when it comes to discussing your weight, perhaps?

Fat shaming ffs! If you are fat and someone mentions it matter of factory that isn’t fat shaming! You are adding the shame yourself because you’re embarrassed. Rather than using your energy being pissed off with them use it motivating yourself to do something about it.

(Anticipating all the biscuits and shouts of shame on you)

It's incredible rude to comment on anyone's weight like that. You are a valid human being who deserves to be loved and respected for who you are, not what you look like.

You fall in love with the person not the body.

*Being fat shamed by your partner is not acceptable, and it’s a sign of how problematic people’s attitudes are towards it that the posters above think it’s fine that your partner said this to you - particularly since it wasn’t done in a kind or supportive way, but to cut you down and make you feel embarrassed.

He was being a twat and I totally understand why you feel hurt*

This. I used to work as a public health consultant.

A few years ago I did some work setting up a healthy lifestyle programme that anyone over 18 could refer themselves into. Many of them were women who were struggling to lose pregnancy weight or had slowly put on weight over the years.

The programme explored why the clients wanted to take part and a lot of the women said it was because of fat shaming comments from strangers, family, friends and their partners. Many of these women were depressed and unmotivated because the comments made them feel like shit. They felt bullied, forced into something that they weren't in the right frame of mind for. At home they were unsupported and subject to comments about weight, size, perceived unattractiveness and that all contributed to their low self esteem, feelings of hopelessness and ultimate failure to lose weight.

The take home message was, and is, fat people know they are fat. They know they should lose weight but may not be in a good place mentally. When, if, they are ready they will do something about it and they will stand more chance of that diet/weightloss programme being successful.
No one has the right, in a relationship or out of one, to comment on another persons looks. No one. Anyone with a partner who does this is entitled to tell them to fuck right off and don't come back.

I think bringing it up when the OP had just commented on feeling much better that day was unkind. Yes, you should be able to talk about weight with your partner, but choosing the moment when they are finally feeling better about themselves to bring them down is not the action of a kind and loving partner. You say he is a good and loving guy normally, OP? In that case I would tell him that what he said was hurtful and that he made you feel rubbish just when you were feeling better, and as he is a good guy at heart, he will hopefully take that on board and be more sensitive in future.

You fall in love with the person not the body

There’s love, and there’s sexual attraction. Ideally a relationship has both. It’s naive to think that sexual attraction will endure with dramatic weight gain or other changes like not showering. There are instances where things cannot be helped eg men going bald, or changes in appearance due to illness.

Weight gain is generally something which can be reversed. People just don’t like to do it because it’s difficult and usually embedded in emotion, and therefore prefer to pretend that attraction is there regardless and love conquers all and mentioning weight is fat shaming.

But this is just denial.

@bestbrowsintown

But if you are 2 stone over your target weight then you are fat. Thats a fact. Why try to pretend that you arent?

Op hasn't even said what height she is so we've no idea of her bmi to be fair.

You're right i dont know the ops height or bmi. All i can do is take her word that she is in fact 2 stone overweight. Not sure why i wouldnt take a post at face value?

Your weight is utterly within your control and your responsibility. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with the way you look, or the number on the scale, if you are happy with your appearance and body.

But from the way you have reacted to a singular comment that your partner has made it sounds as if you are unhappy over your weight gain and how your body currently looks. Moreover, it sounds like, although you are aware that you have gained weight, this is an issue you wish to avoid confronting and/or struggle to accept, and therefore the (somewhat blunt and unexpected) mention of it by your partner is what has upset you.

In this case, I would say the issue here is your attitude. You could either accept that you have gained weight, learn to be happy in your new body and therefore not let a comment about the size of a body part upset you - or you can lose weight until you are happy with how you look. But really, your partner doesn’t sound like he has done anything wrong, other than perhaps be a bit tactless if he knows that your weight is a sensitive issue for you. From the way you’ve described the situation, this is not something he had ever mentioned or brought up before; his comment was in direct response to you bringing up the issue of food/bloating/stomach size yourself; and his comment was NOT a jab.

Thank you all!

We’ve had a conversation and I’ve explained the words he used hurt me, but I understood that he was trying to be supportive. He felt really bad and said he didn’t mean to upset me, he just knows I’ve been trying to lose weight recently and due to the pain from bloating I had let my yoga slip a bit he though it might help with a little nudge for the yoga but realised saying it in the same sentence wasn’t the right thing.

He knows I’m upset with my body at the moment and just wants me to be happy. (I had a c section with my son so it’s been a little harder to get my stomach back to the way it was). I used to be a dancer for 14 years and dance teacher for 4 so I’m quite hard on myself about my body since quitting dance due to health reasons but I’m working on that! :)

He definitely wasn’t fat shaming or meaning to be hurtful, I know this for a fact and that is why I took myself away from the situation rather than act impulsively on emotions. I always prefer to assess what and why I’m feeling a certain way. He’s just a little clumsy with his words sometimes and I just explained that the way he worded it hurt me a little. The big belly comment was to do with the fact I said I was full and the yoga was to do with me being a bit slack with it recently, he just put it in the same sentence without realising how it would come across.

We support each other fully and have been doing meal plans, more walking etc so hopefully it’ll pay off more soon!

I’m just a bit sensitive about it at the moment and thought I’d grab some other opinions on the subject.

@DDIJ
I have had an ultrasound and CA125 test for ovarian cancer as I also have a lot of the symptoms and my mother had it aged 21 but thankfully they both came back clear, the bloating is a side affect on my endometriosis playing up due to hormonal imbalance after having my son. Thank you for caring ❤️

The big belly comment wasn’t particularly nice, but it’s not awful.

My DH has put on weight in lockdown because he’s less active and eating more. He hasn’t put on all that much, but he has lost his muscle tone and is noticeably bigger around the middle. I’ve gotten fitter in lockdown with more time to exercise. He mentioned feeling unfit and unhealthy quite a bit, particularly in comparison to me and I tried not to say anything but eventually I got to a point where I just said; ‘stop moaning and go for a run If you’re bothered’. His immediate reaction was something along the lines of, ‘you think I’m fat and unattractive’. When he’d gotten over that, he started running again; he has become much happier overnight.

Of course I still love him regardless, but I do find him more attractive when he’s fitter and healthier. Our relationship is better when I’m fitter and healthier and feeling good about myself too. I think it’s fine to encourage each other to be motivated to be the healthiest you can be. Why is it taboo? If he was damaging his health with cigarettes, alcohol or drugs, I’d be allowed to talk to him about it.

@amusedtodeath1

It's incredible rude to comment on anyone's weight like that. You are a valid human being who deserves to be loved and respected for who you are, not what you look like.

You fall in love with the person not the body.

I don't even know where to start with how wrong this is!

How can anyone let someone they love slide towards an unhealthy and disabling lifestyle without comment?

It's not fat shaming, and one of the reasons we have an obesity crisis in this country is people are so bloody defensive about any kind of weight gain and people must love you and find you attractive regardless of how much weight you gain, regardless of how that's going to affect your health.

28lbs is a lot, why can't people see that.

OP if he's usually supportive and lovely, he probably just gives a shit about your health and wants you to be the healthiest version of yourself. As should you!

Sounds like you have a loving and healthy marriage with healthy communication!