Fiancé said I was fat

[TryTryTryAgain95]

So I want to make this really clear from the beginning, this is not a regular occurrence, my partner really is supportive and loving and an amazing father, so no bashing him please!

So recently I’ve been struggling with bloating, and having spoken to my doctor I’ve started a tablet to help which I felt was working. So at the dinner table this evening after finishing our meal and saying I was full, I mentioned I hadn’t felt bloated today which was a nice change, and he replied with “no just a big belly” I said “thanks” laughed it off thinking he meant the fact I said I was full. He then said immediately after “maybe you should start yoga again” so I then realised he was actually talking about my weight. I’m by no means small and have definitely put on some weight after having my son 11 months ago, I’m about 10st 10 lbs atm which is about 2 stone heavier than I was and what is a healthy weight for me.

I took myself away from the table, didn’t let on I was upset and just came upstairs. I wanted to sit and evaluate my feelings first before getting angry and upset with him.

But I want to know am I being reasonable being upset about this? Am I just being sensitive? It’s not something he normally says but it did upset me.

I would love to reply to each individual comment but I can’t so just a quick one.

I’m 5ft so definitely overweight and am doing something about this.

My partner is supportive, he has also gained weight and we openly and KINDLY discuss this often when food prepping, planning and going for walks. We aren’t afraid to talk about weight it was just the way it was put.

To the people saying I should’ve discussed it with him, I have and was going to. I used to be impulsive reacting to comments based on emotion rather than thinking about what was said. I now take myself away for 5 minutes to evaluate what was said and why it made me feel that way. That doesn’t make me weak or childish, it’s the best way for both me and my partner to communicate rather than argue. You don’t gain anything by shouting and crying, putting a point across in a calm effective way by explaining what hurt and why is a much better way. No ill feelings afterward and it’s sorted quickly.

the fact that someone always have to pop up on these threads to shout "fat shaming" and "you must ignore appearances" is exactly what is wrong without our attitude towards healthy relationship and healthy bodies..

OP, you both sound like nice supportive partners.

Ah this reminds me of my ex saying he’d like to have a skinny girlfriend again...I’d just given birth to our daughter! That was the start of the slippery slope to break up for us because at that moment I realised I didn’t like him very much...

I’m not saying your husband is mean, just be honest with him and say it hurt your feelings but add that you assume he was trying to encourage you, then offer some better ways he could encourage you like maybe doing something active together?

You sound like you have a great relationship OP.

The majority of adults in the UK are overweight and all this silly 'Must never talk about it' stuff and accusations of 'Fat shaming' just because someone's dared to utter the obvious, is really not helping

Agree totally with this. Maybe the people saying it’s fat shaming are larger ladies who are happy with their weight, but most women aren’t if they are overweight, and would prefer to be healthier and a size that suits them.

Op no doubt is feeling insecure and not happy with being 2 stone overweight, so the clumsy way her DP spoke, upset her.

How is saying someone is fat when they are fat "shaming" them? It's just a descriptive word like tall but that wouldn't be tall shaming would it.

Maybe the people saying it’s fat shaming are larger ladies who are happy with their weight, but most women aren’t if they are overweight, and would prefer to be healthier and a size that suits them

No. Some of us are concerned HCP who feel that people should make any lifestyle change in a supportive and non judgemental environment and, ore importantly, when they are ready to do it not because they feel ashamed of who they are.

Maybe the people saying it’s fat shaming are larger ladies who are happy with their weight

But even that is ludicrous. If I smoked 40 cigarettes per day and enjoyed it I wouldn't say someone recommending not smoking is 'smoke shaming'.

people should make any lifestyle change in a supportive and non judgemental environment and, ore importantly, when they are ready to do it not because they feel ashamed of who they are.

Would you stay the same about stopping smoking? Surely the priority should be just being healthier.

You sound like a good couple OP.

I think there are probably quite a few of us who have gained weight in lockdown, it's great that you support each other.

If my partner says I have a “big belly” I would not think he’s being supportive and kind. It’s ok to talk about weight in a tactful way but this “big belly” language is not him being nice. Is he in fighting shape himself hmmm?

It’s a bit stupid all the “fat people know they are fat comments”. Judging from sooo many comments on soooo many of these threads; people are in huge denial about what fat actually is. And, even if they DID know, if they aren’t changing anything then it doesn’t matter. It’s not helping them. And that’s why so many people in the country are overweight.

Smoking is a good comparison. I didn’t see people hollering about “smoke shaming” during the ban.

I've piled on a few stone pounds over lockdown and keep moaning to DP about it.

He presented me with a FitBit and basically told me to do something about it or stop threatening to diet. He doesn't care that I'm not the svelte vixen he hooked up with in a club 11 years ago, he just cares that I'm feeling down about myself and is trying to be supportive.

Their delivery can be a bit shite but unless they outright call you a fat bastard I don't think it's intentional.

Honestly, not all fat people know they're fat and often those who do, don't realise how fat, as they don't own scales.

By the time a lot of people have realised, they're gutted they didn't know sooner as they'd have less to lose.

Loose clothing and constantly seeing other overweight people in day to day life, can certainly close ones eyes a bit.

@WorraLiberty

Yes!

Judging from soooo many of these threads; people are in huge denial about what fat actually is. I agree. There was a poster a few weeks ago insisting she had been skinny shamed...at a size 18! Or you get "I'm a size 20 but I'm 5ft 6 and carry it really well".

You seem very keen on giving a great impression of your boyfriend OP. There is nothing wrong with feeling a little hurt at something they've said once in while or that is out of the ordinary.

@TryTryTryAgain95 well done for discussing it with him, especially as you came away with an action plan!

You sound a very compatible and lovely couple! 💐💐💐💐
Communicating is a useful thing 😉

@Lockheart

Only you know your partner and the way in which they said it. Perhaps he's a right bastard or perhaps he's a lovely guy who got it wrong on this occasion.

If my partner was complaining of bloating and weight gain I would suggest exercise too. Not because I don't love them but because it would help fix both the above! I'm more about the practical advice and taking action rather than the "you do you" school of thought, however.

This.

There is always a massive amount of projection on these threads from women who are sensitive about their own weight.

Nailaneeddoing Do you honestly,100% believe the tripe you are peddling? "He suggested the yoga because it was something you probably enjoyed doing in the past" And how do you explain his references to her "big belly?" He was disingenuous and nasty

@WaterOffADucksCrack

Judging from soooo many of these threads; people are in huge denial about what fat actually is. I agree. There was a poster a few weeks ago insisting she had been skinny shamed...at a size 18! Or you get "I'm a size 20 but I'm 5ft 6 and carry it really well".

So true! I am 6’4” and just under 14st... due to lockdown a stone heavier than usual. I am feeling every lbs of it! 😭😭

Cannot wait to get back to the gym and stop eating Lidl chocolate croissants🥐🥐 as comfort food 😂😂😂

If all fat people know they are fat, why are there so many fat people in the UK.

@letmethinkaboutitfornow

Tbf, chocolate croissants sound really great about now

[quote crispysausagerolls]@letmethinkaboutitfornow

Tbf, chocolate croissants sound really great about now[/quote]
They do, don’t they? ☺️☺️☺️

@EKGEMS

Nope she is completely correct. I was doing yoga and my mental and physical health we’re doing great for it. ive been slacking recently due to pain from bloating. The big belly comment was because we’d just finished eating and I said I was full. He was just was a bit clumsy with his words and put it in the same sentence haha