Fiancé said I was fat

[TryTryTryAgain95]

So I want to make this really clear from the beginning, this is not a regular occurrence, my partner really is supportive and loving and an amazing father, so no bashing him please!

So recently I’ve been struggling with bloating, and having spoken to my doctor I’ve started a tablet to help which I felt was working. So at the dinner table this evening after finishing our meal and saying I was full, I mentioned I hadn’t felt bloated today which was a nice change, and he replied with “no just a big belly” I said “thanks” laughed it off thinking he meant the fact I said I was full. He then said immediately after “maybe you should start yoga again” so I then realised he was actually talking about my weight. I’m by no means small and have definitely put on some weight after having my son 11 months ago, I’m about 10st 10 lbs atm which is about 2 stone heavier than I was and what is a healthy weight for me.

I took myself away from the table, didn’t let on I was upset and just came upstairs. I wanted to sit and evaluate my feelings first before getting angry and upset with him.

But I want to know am I being reasonable being upset about this? Am I just being sensitive? It’s not something he normally says but it did upset me.

My DH has put weight on and I spoke to him about cutting down on the food and exercising more. I said that "you're not happy with your weight, you don't have much energy so maybe eat less and do some exercise and see if that works". I'm not too subtle! I've just lost 5 stone after having 2 kids within 18 months of each other so I feel like as a previous fatty, I don't want him to feel like it did.

Being fat shamed by your partner is not acceptable

Losing weight could save your life, if your partner cares about you and wants to encourage you to be healthier that’s definitely acceptable.

Get offended or take responsibility and positive action OP. Your choice.

Could running or doing some other exercise together be a plan; talk about what you eat as a household and how that could be healthier? You could try to turn it into something you do together, that might help? It's like he's thrown down the gauntlet, and in a fun way, you say, 'come on then'?! It sounds like you would like to lose some weight so maybe seize the moment.

He’s telling you what he’s most attracted to OP, I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I wouldn’t be offended.

Fair enough then perhaps no offense intended but what drove you to post? I'm just curious?

@EKGEMS
Impulse and the need to feel like I’m not alone in feeling that way. When emotions are high, most people want to feel like they aren’t alone. I was curious to know if others who had kind, caring and supportive partners also felt upset by a comment even know they know for a fact their partner wouldn’t mean it in a negative way. I sometimes wonder whether my feelings are valid like most people and question it sometimes. My mental health hasn’t been the best recently and whilst I go through CBT I’m also exploring feelings and why I feel certain ways, it has helped knowing that some others have felt this way and I can know and recognise that feeling this way is okay whilst also recognising my partner didn’t mean harm by it. Communication is an amazing thing and clarifies a lot and speaking with strangers in regards to opinions in a place where nothing is filtered really helps gain perspective.

Wow! What a beautiful post! You are gifted

you know you are overweight. What he said was not super-helpful and does come under the heading of 'the bleeding obvious'.

I hope he didn't mean to upset you. BTW yoga won't help with weight loss!

@EKGEMS thank you!

@CluelessBaker

Being fat shamed by your partner is not acceptable, and it’s a sign of how problematic people’s attitudes are towards it that the posters above think it’s fine that your partner said this to you - particularly since it wasn’t done in a kind or supportive way, but to cut you down and make you feel embarrassed.

He was being a twat and I totally understand why you feel hurt

Do you never think that it might be concern for the OP's health that makes him suggest yoga would be good, rather than his visual preference? I do the same to my DH, who's a lot older, but my concern is for his health, not for my vanity.

I concede that I am a bit judgemental about healthy weight ratios, and you may all tell me I am wrong.

I've bee married 30 years. I was 8.5 stone when we first met, now a couple of stone heavier (I'm 5ft 2) but he still finds me attractive. He would never tell me I had a fat belly! He is however supporting me in my weight loss attempts because I want to lose it, not because he wants me back at my wedding weight (and I wouldn't want to be back at my wedding weight either, around 9 stone would do me).

I am terribly sorry to tell you this, because you are probably grown up, but many people do get together in the early stages of their relationship, because they like the look of each other. They stay together because they make each other laugh and feel good and because they have a sympathetic mindset.

Fat shaming plain and simple

Why are people defending Rhys

This not Rhys!

No. Some of us are concerned HCP who feel that people should make any lifestyle change in a supportive and non judgemental environment and, ore importantly, when they are ready to do it not because they feel ashamed of who they are.

I agree with you as far as actual fat shaming goes, but it is definitely possible to discuss weight with your partner without shaming.

Your title states that your partner said you were fat, he didn’t.
You also state he suggested you start your yoga again, none of this is, “fat shaming” nor is it rude or anything else that has been suggested but I see you’ve already worked that out and moved on. Your title is misleading and clouding the answers.

I have friends who are smokers and I would never try and 'shame' them about it. I assume that they know it is a problem and have either made a choice to carry on or more likely have their own struggles with giving up, which won't be helped by me stating the obvious!

In a relationship things can be said more directly and with a certain level of understanding how the other person feels. If it is actually your partner who smokes then you are affected by it and you also probably know how they feel about it and what kind of support they want.

Outside a relationship or a medical setting I cannot imagine why anyone would comment on another person's weight! If someone is unhappy with their weight they know about it, you are not telling them anything.

Shame is sometimes, but rarely, a positive or helpful emotion. It often activates the same brain responses that occur with the compulsions that cause the problem in the first place.

If you want to support someone who has a problem with weight or overeating, build up their self esteem, don't tear it down. Some people for example don't like seeing a wide range of plus size clothing available as they think it normalises or encourages being overweight. For me, I find that when I have nothing or nothing decent to wear I get more depressed and more likely to comfort eat, less like to be able to get out of the house and be active in a way that burns calories and improves mood. Being able to have clothes you need to be active, to feel a bit positive about your appearance...these things tend to lead to better self care and weight loss.

so do people who say it's 'fat shaming' think it's basically wrong to help someone lose weight?

Would you say 'smoke shaming' or 'drug shaming' or 'gambling shaming'?

Or would you say that was encouraging someone to ditch a destructive lifestyle choice?

Isn't it weird how when 60% of people are overweight, it becomes insulting to try to help your partner lose weight?

That you are 'shaming' them by mentioning it.

Either choose to take it as an insult and carry on eating too much, or do something about it and be glad your partner cares about your health. Stop looking on it as a criticism of your attractiveness and more of health issue.

I disagree, strongly, Davincitoad. It's not fat shaming. it is an expression of love and concern that your/my life partner isn't looking after the only body issued to them. We none of us get a second body. Treat it well. Feed it properly. not to excess. Take it for a walk or a run or a bike ride. watch the kilos creeping up, and control them.

My husband doesn’t smoke. He has never smoked. He didn’t smoke when we met. If he suddenly
Started smoking 20 a day I would have something to say about it.

Same as if he gained 2 stone.

@Davincitoad

Fat shaming plain and simple

Why are people defending Rhys

Perhaps because some people don't buy into the concept of 'fat shaming'.

@OscarWildesCat I agree and apologise for that, it was in a heightened state of emotions. He DID NOT fat shame me, at all. He put two statements in a sentence that shouldn’t have been and it come out wrong. I took it to heart. That’s all, we’re all human! In all fairness, it’s given me a kick up the butt to get back to the yoga and low impact workouts now that these tablets are working

There is a difference between getting in a jab about a 'big belly' and expressing concern about your partner or trying to offer constructive help. Not saying it was a jab in this case, but it could be in others.

For reasons I don't quite understand I was brought up to never use the word belly.

@JinglingHellsBells I have endometriosis which the GP said could bring on IBS at random points in life, I don’t have the other symptoms just pain and bloating but I’m on Mebevrine and that’s certainly helping! I noticed a bit of a difference today and I was constantly bloated before now, they had actually tested for ovarian cancer because of my symptoms and family history but thankfully it’s clear for that. I think that’s why my emotion have been a bit heightened recently, I’m hoping now that it’s easing a bit it’ll be easier to get back to yoga and low impact workouts (due to other health problems I can’t do high impact which is why I had to quit dancing).