Father saying children are a disappointment to him.

[Goose15]

Yesterday, before bed, my DH said that our children were a disappointment to him. We have 3, two teenagers and a 9 yr old. He gets frustrated because they leave towels screwed up, don't bring washing up down etc even though we tell them to. I think this is normal teenage behaviour (annoying, but normal), but he seems to think they're awful. These things are the worst things they ever do tbh. They are respectful, don't answer back or anything yet he seems to insist on seeing only the bad things they do. He also said it in earshot of one of them
AIBU to think this is an unforgivable thing for a father to say, or am I overreacting?

DH said this about DD1 (16). I've really struggled to get over it.

I don't know if it makes it better or worse - but she has fairly substantial MH problems.

Why am I not surprised that he doesn't pull his weight yet expects his DC to do so?!?

@lifesnotaspectstorsport
This is what worries me - that they will resent me in future years for not stopping it/sorting it.
I honestly truly don't know what to do. Perhaps I need to think about it properly. As I said earlier, it's not until you write it down that you realise how pathetic you sound for putting up with it.

Seriously consider getting rid of your DH. He sounds like a "dementor" sucking the joy out of all of your lives. Consider whether in ten years time when your youngest is becoming more independent, you want to be stuck sharing a house with him and children who visit as little as possible because he's made their home a misery, or whether you'd rather have the kids around and nice memories, despite the stray towels and dishes.

Fwiw, your DC sound fantastic.

[quote Goose15]@lifesnotaspectstorsport
This is what worries me - that they will resent me in future years for not stopping it/sorting it.
I honestly truly don't know what to do. Perhaps I need to think about it properly. As I said earlier, it's not until you write it down that you realise how pathetic you sound for putting up with it. [/quote]
They won’t resent you. My dad was the reason I left home when I was 17. I felt sorry for my mum, not resentful. Fortunately he mellowed with age, although there was the memorable occasion when I did a sky dive to celebrate a big birthday and his only comment was that when people did it during the war they were shot at when they landed! It was so ridiculous all I could do was laugh.

also getting pissed off with the fact that he absolutely does not pull his weight either in the house with chores or helping with the mental load etc. If I ever bring it up he tells me I'm nagging and we end up arguing, so I kind of end up doing everything for a quiet life. Just lately though, I've got a bit like I don't care and have been saying it anyway. He takes offence and it's affected our relationship but I'm not happy to just be quiet anymore.

What a revolting fucking hypocrite your husband is

I'd be making it very clear what a HUGE disappointment HE is because of (insert a whole myriad of his vile ways) and when he gets upset and says you're nagging I'd say it ALL again and tell him that THIS is how the kids feel when he tells them they are disappointments

I'd then kick the wanker out and divorce him

What an absolute and total waste of space the tosser is

🤮

Do not allow your kids to be made to feel bad about who they are

I wonder if the disappointment is projection? Ie he is disappointed in aspects of himself and his life and placing the blame externally. Might he be depressed? He’s certainly not sending out any sort of positive examples if he doesn’t help around the house himself. Have you told him the impact his behaviour and words is having? It sounds cheesy but the ‘when you do x, I feel y’ statements help.

He has very unreasonable expectations...probably needed some dirt of counselling for his issues!

I'm also getting pissed off with the fact that he absolutely does not pull his weight either in the house with chores or helping with the mental load etc. If I ever bring it up he tells me I'm nagging and we end up arguing, so I kind of end up doing everything for a quiet life.

The fact he says his kids are a disappointment for things like not picking up towels when he's such a lazy bastard who sees such tasks as beneath him makes him even more of an insufferable cunt to be honest.

Agree with PP he sounds like a dementor. Hopefully your kids will see that you don't approve of his tone but you are somewhat complicit in it at the moment to be honest.

My mum said the thought of her life with just my dad, once we left home, made her feel in equal parts daunted and lonely.

They split up, thank god, and she loves her life now.

Is that how you feel when you think about life with him once they've moved out?

This is so sad. I am always saying the same thing to my kids about pots in rooms, washing on the landing, but teenagers brains aren't developed yet and it isn't that they don't care they just aren't there yet.

Are you kids all girls ? Why the hell does he get to complain the kids don't do enough when he does fuck all . Time to stop doing his washing, ironing, errands.

I still recall the one cutting mark my Dad said to me as a teen. It still colours my self esteem even now. Nasty words stay with you, especially at that age.

If my DH said things like that in front of our DD I’d go absolutely mental at him and would not allow it to continue.

It’s sad really. They’ll grow up disappointed in him.

@mbosnz

I'd be telling my husband that he was such a disappointment to me as a father, and my partner in parenting. I'd be telling him everything he's doing wrong, and that his flaws far outweigh the very minor imperfections in his children that he is choosing to focus on, rather than looking for the good and to help them continue their journey to full adulthood.

And that if he carries on like this, he's likely to find that when he would like to enjoy his children's company and their children's company in years to come, he might find himself woefully lonely and he'll only have himself to blame. It's far too early in the piece to be setting himself up as a miserable git.

This.

@backseatcookers
You are right, I am too complacent. I don't like confrontation and find it a little bit difficult to be assertive and say how I feel if I know it will cause arguments. But you're right and I think I need to man up a bit.
If I'm being honest, I feel jealous of your mum that she got out of the marriage. That is exactly how I feel about the future - both daunted and worrying about being lonely.

I was a disappointment to my mother. I could never do anything right, in her eyes. I had terrible self esteem, engaged in lots of risky behaviour when I was younger.

Similar to pp, when she died I felt relieved for that difficult relationship to have ended.

It sounds like his relationship with your dc is heading in the same direction.

You sound quite lonely now though.

This is going to sound harsh but in relationships like yours there is usually one dysfunctional parent and one who enables them, but they’re equally to blame.

If he means what he says and your children have taken it seriously then it’s dysfunctional.

If I'm being honest, I feel jealous of your mum that she got out of the marriage. That is exactly how I feel about the future - both daunted and worrying about being lonely.

Oh love this makes me feel so sad for you.

For what it's worth my mum would never, ever have instigated the split (catholic upbringing) but dad cheating was in a way the best thing that ever happened to her as it set her free. But her confidence was so worn down by that point,

I wish she would have been able to leave before so much damage was done to her self confidence and also our feelings of being sacrificial as kids - our dad being allowed to say horrible things to us under the guise of 'keeping the family together.'

Do you ever confront him and say maybe if he showed them that everyone in the house should contribute, they might actually do so? And that him exempting himself from contributing doesn't exactly set a good example?

If your kids are daughters he just sounds like a horrible misogynist on top of everything else to be honest.

I think this is normal teenage behaviour (annoying, but normal), but he seems to think they're awful.

It’s only normal if you let them get away with it.
My mum once said I was a disappointment to her, straightened me out and made me do things differently and everything was fine after that.

OP, this was one of the many reasons I divorced. He never did anything in the house and constantly caused upset and conflict with our teenage DC (also was abusive).

Have you heard of the boiling frog analogy?

It seems like the scales are dropping from your eyes.

Have you asked yourself what he actually brings to the relationship, both with you and with DC?

Would you all be happier without him?

Tbh, from what you say about your changed response lately to his own lazy behaviour (that you don't care anymore and that this has caused issues in your relationship with your DH), it sounds a bit like he's annoyed with you emotionally checking out. He's using the children to vent his anger/get at you because he knows this will upset you while simply criticising you won't have the same effect.

Your OH sounds insufferable.
However... your children do need to take some responsibility for their washing.

My mother said it to me 25 years ago and I can still hear it.

When I went NC with DM, I also went NC with DF. He had never done or said anything bad to me ... but had never stopped it either.

I think sometimes children can be a disappointment (Those who turn to drugs or crime for example). In your case, they don’t sound like they deserve that tag. I think disappointing behaviour would be appropriate though especially as they have been told numerous times.

We currently have a mountain bike in pieces spread across the hall, Living space and bit of kitchen

Us too! I want my lad to feel comfortable in our space. He's just started being tidier and doing house jobs without being asked, so the frontal lobe is getting there. I knew it would

These things stay with you even when you are old enough to know that it's not your fault and that you are a decent person, those nasty words are there in the back of your head. I was told by a stepfather that my brother would do okay in the world because he was nice but no one would ever like me because I was a little bitch. It wasn't true and it isn't true, but in the back of my head, I still feel that hurt forty years later.

If I was in your position I would seriously think about divorcing him. It sounds like this isn't a one-off that he is useless around the house, doesn't want to listen to you when you want to talk about the children or taking a bit of the load and is, in general, a joy sucker. Your life would be so much better without him and your children would probably be so much happier as well because they would feel that you were on their side. Obviously, they need to pick up the bloody towels and bring their plates back to the kitchen, but it's hardly surprising they don't when they see their father never lift a finger around the house.

I had one of these. He had a host of other issues too, but that was the first time I actually started realising that not being married to him might not be so bad. His beef was that our well behaved, hard working, actually not messy and excellent at school DDs occasionally said 'fuck'. Which was a word he used quite frequently himself, but hey...

We didn't last long after that. There was alcohol involved too and it got messy, but my DDs are now 19 and 17, brilliant and still sweary at times. We are very happy.

Ending a marriage is scary, but honestly when your OH brings nothing to the table in terms of decent human warmth, it's time to call it quits.