Father saying children are a disappointment to him.

[Goose15]

Yesterday, before bed, my DH said that our children were a disappointment to him. We have 3, two teenagers and a 9 yr old. He gets frustrated because they leave towels screwed up, don't bring washing up down etc even though we tell them to. I think this is normal teenage behaviour (annoying, but normal), but he seems to think they're awful. These things are the worst things they ever do tbh. They are respectful, don't answer back or anything yet he seems to insist on seeing only the bad things they do. He also said it in earshot of one of them
AIBU to think this is an unforgivable thing for a father to say, or am I overreacting?

[user12699422578]

If your relationship is only "good" when everything is on his terms and you're too frightened to speak up because of the consequences, then it's not a good relationship.

He quite obviously has no respect for you. And I don't believe it is possible to genuinely love someone you don't respect.

Your children might not resent you (although they might well), but equally they may be wondering why you don't love them enough to defend them and why you endorse his mistreatment of them by staying with him.

Or why you have forced them to live in this toxic environment - children don't have the luxury of debating whether to stay or leave an abusive situation. When you choose to stay and tolerate it, you force them to endure it.

You may not have intended it that way, but your actions communicate that you agree with his continual put-downs.

It's damaging and hurtful for one parent to verbally beat you down all the time throughout your childhood. It can be just as damaging and hurtful that your other parent didn't care enough to step up and protect you. Dad hurts you, mum lets him.

Leaving is not easy, but nor is being forced to live like this every day and having no power to do anything about it.

[EinsteinaGogo]

Awwww, OP.

If you can't think about a single way he supports you, makes you laugh, helps out, makes you feel safe, makes the children feel secure... then you need to have a think 'what is the point?'.

You've got whole lot of life and future events to come. Maybe children's partners, weddings, maybe grandchildren.

It's not too late to rid yourself of the joy-drainer.

[Nanny0gg]

He would possibly be allowed to express 'disappointment' if he was leading by example, but he isn't.

What does he contribute exactly?

[Goose15]

Do you know what? This website is so good. It's so empowering to hear other women (and possibly men) tell you things from their personal experience. It makes me feel like I'm not alone and hearing positive stories of people coming through the other side of marriage break ups makes me feel more confident.
I can't believe how many of you say things and it's exactly how I feel, or it's of things that have happened.

@pointythings your post made me laugh, I could have written exactly what you said. He doesn't like the children swearing and if they say fuck he gets really angry. Personally, I don't have a problem with the odd swear word (not from the 9 yr old obviously), and I swear a lot. Therefore though, when they swear, it's always my fault.

[backseatcookers]

Personally, I don't have a problem with the odd swear word (not from the 9 yr old obviously), and I swear a lot. Therefore though, when they swear, it's always my fault.

And yet, OP, when the children are lazy and don't pick up after themselves it's still your fault or their fault.

Never his...

Funny that eh?

Glad you're starting to see him for what he is. A boring fun sponge of a hypocrite.

[billy1966]

OP,
He sounds deeply unpleasant.
And a bully.
Does nothing around the house but can't be told it.

Be careful of being seen to be his supporter.

I would take them aside and clearly refute to them what he has said.

Your children will indeed slowly pull away from such negativity and then disappear from your home life, because they don't want to be around it.

Personally, I would be telling HIM what a huge disappointment he is as a husband and a father.

I would also be exploring what sort of future I want.
Being with such an unpleasant man long term doesn't sound appealing.

[custodiandiscount]

My mother was like this, constant criticism for the tiniest things that are just normal teenage behaviour, like dropping my "t"s, being a bit scruffy, playing music loud enough to hear outside my bedroom door, not jumping to do my cleaning when told to or washing my own clothes when they needed it.

I have zero self esteem now in my 40's which has impacted my career, relationships, mental health. I have few friends as I don;t think I'm worth knowing. I am afraid of mother and how she will cut me next, and I only speak to her out of a sense of charity as she is old and unwell.

[AuditAngel]

My dad was like this with me. When i was about 13 or 14 I scored 98% on a maths test, and he asked me what happened to the other 2%! I was devastated. From that day I lost all respect for him, and never tried to please him again until the day he died.

I was very studious, first in my generation to get a degree (I have 6 older cousins and an older sister), my sister got pregnant a5 28 and I swear I got a harder time about 98% on a test than she did about getting pregnant.

I was told he was proud of me, shame he never told me that himself.

I can also see my DH doing it to our kids. DS is a bit rude and lazy, but at that age DH was out drinking and smoking, and not coming home!

[justasking111]

I would start standing up for yourself. Tell him to watch out or he will only get to be disappointed in them every other weekend if they choose to see him following a separation.

[SunshineCake]

Given that everything related to the children is your fault, as you clearly did it all, what is the point of living with him..

[Cherrysoup]

So they see that he does no housework and then follow his lead? Have you pointed this out to him?? I could not tolerate him telling the dc to their faces that they were a disappointment. That would absolutely have crushed me as a child.

[Lucyccfc68]

Maybe it's about time you told him that you are disappointed with him being such a poor role model for his children.

He sounds awful.

[EinsteinaGogo]

Good luck, OP.

Sounds like this thread and the website link was an eye opener for you.

Build your knowledge and your plans at your own pace. Sounds like you are ready to plan change for you and your DC.

Power to you x