Father saying children are a disappointment to him.

[Goose15]

Yesterday, before bed, my DH said that our children were a disappointment to him. We have 3, two teenagers and a 9 yr old. He gets frustrated because they leave towels screwed up, don't bring washing up down etc even though we tell them to. I think this is normal teenage behaviour (annoying, but normal), but he seems to think they're awful. These things are the worst things they ever do tbh. They are respectful, don't answer back or anything yet he seems to insist on seeing only the bad things they do. He also said it in earshot of one of them
AIBU to think this is an unforgivable thing for a father to say, or am I overreacting?

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My mum is like this and it can be a cultural thing. People of a certain generation in my south asian community can’t always make the appropriate parenting transitions as their child gets older, and it results in them being dismissed as the nagging old (wo)man.

My sil is like this and honestly her dh seems to have checked out of their relationship. And because she treats DN in the same way even he is starting to ignore her and he’s not even of school age yet!

You need to warn him that if his behaviour doesn’t change he risks alienating his kids forever. And make it clear you won’t be on his side when that happens.

I'd be disappointed too if my kids were unable to follow simple instructions to keep the house tidy, despite constant reminders.

can you level with him and explain your concerns?

Pretty normal where I’m from. I tell my kids all the time I’m disappointed in them if they’ve misbehaved or being lazy.

Do you think he is envious?, or maybe he sees he has not given them his all yet they've still done so well.
I could not let this happen as the other parent.

My mum often told me and my sibling that we ruined her life and if she could have her time again she wouldn't have had us. She was a very cold and bitter person and can't tell you how much damage this has done to our lives. It's something that is never forgotten and creates a lot of doubt and cynicism whenever someone genuinely says something nice as eventually your self worth becomes nothing. Is that what you want for your children?

There wasn't another parent in our lives but other adults around who could see and hear everything and looked the other way. I hold a lot of resentment towards them and have cut them off (I know deep down that they are not responsible for my mum's shit, but I can't move on from the feeling of 'why did you not intervene?' ) be careful that your children don't later see you as a bystander to any emotional damage caused by their father.

God a woman I know is like this, her mother calls her on it every time. The Mum says to her son, well if you didn't win then it doesn't matter that you came second, no-one remembers second place, it doesn't go on the trophy. I have yet to see that poor child smile.

Maybe your Dh should have a read of the teenagers board to see how bad this can actually get

I would call him out on it, even if it means your chidren over-hearing, they need to know that they have your support.

I'd be disappointed too if my kids were unable to follow simple instructions to keep the house tidy, despite constant reminders.

Would you actively call them a disappointment to their face or within earshot?

I’d be making it very clear to the children that you think your DH is wrong, and that they should pay no attention. Don’t validate it by supporting him. This is incredibly damaging message, children need to be able to trust their parents have faith in their ability.

I’d be expressing my profound disappointment in him.

Who does he think raised them?

There is nothing wrong with saying that their behaviour disappoints him at times but he shouldn't be saying they disappoint him as people.

I mean, he's either saying he did a dud job, or that he failed to involve himself at all, so is a non-father and he's saying you did a dud job.

I work in a rehab ward, with older adults recovering from stroke, lower limb problems, falls etc. Usually step down from acute hospital en route to care home, sometimes back home with package of care. Rarely, returning home to family care.

Frequently have some men (& very infrequently women) who have lost contact or strained relationships with children. Today, one who didn't even know where sons were. All have common traits: proud, inflexible, high shame, very private, intolerant of others.

So incredibly sad.

Also have some patients who exude love & compassion for others, who adapt to change in circumstances relatively well, and who invariably do better. Even if admitted for for palliative care, or worse, end of life, planning with the family, allows that to make a bad situation less worse, if that makes sense.

As opposed to dying without loved ones.
In healthcare we do our best to make the transition towards infirmity and end of life pain free and with kindness but it's not the same as being loved by family and friends.

Really, is that worth dropped towels and unwashed pots?

He sounds very harsh. He may mean he's disappointed with them in the moment but it would be better if he balanced his disappointment with praise for all the good things they do.

I don't know what the answer is but you can at least try to offset his comments by congratulating them for all the good stuff they do (and there seems to be a lot). In my experience they will grow out of stuff like not picking up towels and it's really not worth getting exercised about. Disappointment about grades is particularly bad though and not his place to feel that way. I wonder if he had difficult teenage years himself and didn't experience good parenting.

Don't get me wrong, they should be picking up towels and bringing washing up down and I certainly moan at them about this, as all parents do, but he said it in a 'everything they do' kind of way.
What upsets me is that I already see my eldest distancing herself from him and going to friend's/boyfriend houses rather than coming here. I grew up in such a happy household where we always came and went with friends and had a great time with my parents involved in a aspects of my life knowing they were always proud of me. I'm worried he'll piss them off so much that when they leave home one day they will hardly come back because of him.

I do agree with you oldstripeyNEWname1 - thanks for the reminder. I was thinking something similar myself this morning when silently groaning about mess from teens. I know they'll be leaving home soon and I'll wish I had their unwashed pots and soggy towels to complain about.

@Goose15

Thank you so much for commenting, I really appreciate it. I've noticed over the last couple of years that he seems to be getting tougher and tougher with them for no reason. I'm so proud of my children that I could burst and I can't understand why he's like that. We often argue about it tbh, but last night was like a light bulb moment where I thought i absolutely don't like this constant putting down of them. My eldest is at uni working hard to get a specific career and has worked really hard to get there, my middle one also works so hard and is so kind and caring. My youngest has special needs and, although can be challenging, just loves everybody and everybody loves her. I feel really hurt today on their behalf. It's been building up gradually and now I'm thinking piss off. He never praises them either. If they get a B in a test he'll say 'why didn't you get an A?' When he got in from work I asked him about it half expecting him to say he was tired and didn't mean it, but he said they were a disappointment because he says the same thing to them over and over again and they ignore him (towels, washing up etc) and I said that's just teenagers though. Bloody hell, he does nothing around the house himself!

This was a major factor in a friend leaving home at 17 and moving in with an older boyfriend; she's a great person and she still wasn't good enough.

This attitude really damages self esteem.

I divorced my son's father when he was 9 because I foresaw that this was how family life would go. My son deserves to experience high self esteem.

You sound like a lovely mum

How is he with you, OP? What joy / kindness / fun does he bring to the household in other respects?

I tell my kids all the time I’m disappointed in them if they’ve misbehaved or being lazy

There's a huge difference in meaning between

"I'm disappointed in you" when a child misbehaves

and

"You're a disappointment to me" in general.

That’s terrible OP! 😱

Being called a ‘disappointment’ is usually not the first sign. Your kids sound normal (if not better than normal ☺️)
Try to reassure them how much they are not a disappointment!

It is a terrible thing to say and terrible that someone over heard it! As a mum of 19 YO with dreadful self esteem issues, I’d tell him to shut the hell up before he kicks starts some MH issues! Stupid man.

@oldstripeyNEWname1 -
That is incredibly sad. I'm very laid back and this is my attitude exactly. Is it really worth alienating your children and making them feel like they're not good enough for the sake of household chores.
Although, don't get me wrong they should be pulling their weight, but there are ways of doing things.