Father saying children are a disappointment to him.

[Goose15]

Yesterday, before bed, my DH said that our children were a disappointment to him. We have 3, two teenagers and a 9 yr old. He gets frustrated because they leave towels screwed up, don't bring washing up down etc even though we tell them to. I think this is normal teenage behaviour (annoying, but normal), but he seems to think they're awful. These things are the worst things they ever do tbh. They are respectful, don't answer back or anything yet he seems to insist on seeing only the bad things they do. He also said it in earshot of one of them
AIBU to think this is an unforgivable thing for a father to say, or am I overreacting?

[SpongeBobJudgeyPants]

When my XH started pulling this sort of stunt with our daughter, I let him know that it was completely unacceptable. Not long after, his behaviour towards both of us became so bad, I divorced him. I didn't want DD to think that it was ok for men to behave like that.

[Goose15]

@EinsteinaGogo As awful as I sound, we're actually happier when he's not here. I try not to think of it, but it's the truth. Can't think of the last time he did something nice for any of us.

[Fanthorpe]

Do you feel like he’s checking out of the marriage Goose?

[GinDrinker00]

I take it he was a perfect teenager who did no wrong then?

[Nancydrawn]

As everyone has said, there's a huge difference between being disappointed in someone and calling them a disappointment.

The latter means that's what they are, not what they did that day.

But even the former is bad if it's all the feedback they're getting.

I had a friend whose parents did this. Nothing was good enough. She was also told occasionally what a failure she was. It really, really fucked her up. She also avoided her home as much and as soon as she could.

[Justaboy]

and now feel utterly ridiculous for not seeing how awful this is before

Abuse does creep up on you like that;(

[HelloChompy]

How very sad, unfortunately that comment will stay with your children. My 'mother' said a similar thing about myself and my sisters, nearly 20 years ago. We all have very little contact with her as adults.

[BabyDancer]

I agree with PPs, it's ok to say you're disappointed by your children's behaviour but not by the actual children as people.

[diddl]

Pulling your weight is helping around the house.

Not hanging up towels & bringing pots down is surely laziness/expecting others to pick up after you though & that's not on at all at their ages imo.

That said, he's gone about it the wrong way!

[Cocobean30]

He is seriously damaging their self esteem with his behaviour. You should leave for their sake.

[Regularsizedrudy]

He sounds horrible. Sounds like he doesn’t view them as people and only as reflections on him.
I had a friend whose dad used to say things like “why not an A” when she got Bs. She doesn’t see him now.

[Daftasabroom]

We currently have a mountain bike in pieces spread across the hall, Living space and bit of kitchen.

[Inthemuckheap]

That's incredibly sad. Does he "big" you up or is he equally scathing?

[nyu82]

My father was worse than this and by telling me I was 'thick' every day made me so stressed that I could hardly function.
I hated him and he died alone.
I have had an okay life but have always suffered from low, or no , self worth .
Parents like him destroy their children.

[RandomMess]

@Goose15 is your DH perfect and pulls his weight in all ways, chores, the mental load, ensuring that you both have equal leisure time and money to freely spend?

[SummerDayWinterEvenings]

That behaviour is disappointing -Not the children. I'd ask him about his own childhood and recollection. May be projectig here

[katseyes7]

My mother used to say things like this to me when l was young. She told me that she'd wanted a boy.
And when l was about 15, she told me not to have children "because they're nothing but bother." l'm an only child.
lf l was upset about something when l was young, she told me l was "a better actress than Elizabeth Taylor" - in other words, l was putting it on for attention.
They were a few examples of the things she said and did.
When l split up with my ex husband after years of abuse, she took his side, despite knowing about the abuse. All she was bothered about was what she was going to tell people, and how it would reflect on her.
l never forgave her. She took her own life eight years ago, and much like @ImaginaryCat said, all l felt when l found out she'd died was that l was 'free' at last.
As PP have said, your children will distance themselves from him as they get older if he persists with this behaviour. Things like this stay with you.

[Didthatreallyhappen2]

What an absolutely horrid thing to say. We have a teenage DC and I am constantly moaning that they leave towels on the floor, bedroom needs a tidy, do your homework, etc etc. BUT this is what some teenagers do.

I make sure that they know how proud we are of them and would never, ever, say they were a disappointment to me. I might complain about the towels etc, but that's being a mum. But I don't think they would ever forget if I said I was disappointed in them.

[roselover]

you know we are all under pressure at the momnet - I said the same to my kids last week but this week they are doing a lot better - its hard being a parent (many thousands of pounds of theapy taught me that - but you can have that for free ...well behaved teens (unheard of) can come and live with me - your welcome

[NudgeUnit]

That's a very incendiary word. I only use it for the most awful tellings off. I'm a bit shouty under normal circs, so if I were to tell one of the kids calmly and quietly that I was very disappointed in them, it would have real impact. I've only had to do it a couple of times in living memory.

In contrast, I tell them how proud I am of them on a regular basis and try to express specifically why I think they've done well when they have (e.g. it's difficult, it showed maturity, it's something I would have found hard at their age or still do, they stuck with something that was a challenge for them, etc).

If he really feels that way on an ongoing basis, something's very wrong.

[SpeckledFrogsLog]

I think I’d be telling him what a disappointment of a husband and father he turned into. See how he likes it

[cptartapp]

Are they all girls.

[monkeymonkey2010]

Bloody hell, he does nothing around the house himself!
So why aren't you saying this to him?

[Goose15]

It's really quite sad to read how some of the parents to people commenting on here have behaved towards them. I'm sorry that people have gone through some of these things and it has affected their adult lives.
I honestly don't know what to think. He's never said I'm a disappointment and I know he truly loves me, but I'm not sure how I feel about our marriage anymore. I'm also getting pissed off with the fact that he absolutely does not pull his weight either in the house with chores or helping with the mental load etc. If I ever bring it up he tells me I'm nagging and we end up arguing, so I kind of end up doing everything for a quiet life. Just lately though, I've got a bit like I don't care and have been saying it anyway. He takes offence and it's affected our relationship but I'm not happy to just be quiet anymore.

[lifesnotaspectatorsport]

My own father frequently expressed his disappointment in me as a teenager. It was all for insignificant things like 'answering back', having contrary opinions, 'laziness' ie not doing enough to help, 'greediness'. Normal teen behaviour was presented as major character flaws. He was seriously unpleasant and it destroyed my confidence in a way that took decades to recover. I grew to hate him and then pity him and went home as little as possible. I loved my mum but I did get angry with her sometimes because I felt she took his side over mine if she didn't defend me. He was indeed proud, inflexible, authoritarian, deeply private and suspicious of others. After my mum died I think I saw him about once a year. Give your husband a wake-up call if you can - but protect your kids from his negativity at all costs.