Father saying children are a disappointment to him.

[Goose15]

Yesterday, before bed, my DH said that our children were a disappointment to him. We have 3, two teenagers and a 9 yr old. He gets frustrated because they leave towels screwed up, don't bring washing up down etc even though we tell them to. I think this is normal teenage behaviour (annoying, but normal), but he seems to think they're awful. These things are the worst things they ever do tbh. They are respectful, don't answer back or anything yet he seems to insist on seeing only the bad things they do. He also said it in earshot of one of them
AIBU to think this is an unforgivable thing for a father to say, or am I overreacting?

[EinsteinaGogo]

Good luck, OP.

Sounds like this thread and the website link was an eye opener for you.

Build your knowledge and your plans at your own pace. Sounds like you are ready to plan change for you and your DC.

Power to you x

[Lucyccfc68]

Maybe it's about time you told him that you are disappointed with him being such a poor role model for his children.

He sounds awful.

[Cherrysoup]

So they see that he does no housework and then follow his lead? Have you pointed this out to him?? I could not tolerate him telling the dc to their faces that they were a disappointment. That would absolutely have crushed me as a child.

[SunshineCake]

Given that everything related to the children is your fault, as you clearly did it all, what is the point of living with him..

[justasking111]

I would start standing up for yourself. Tell him to watch out or he will only get to be disappointed in them every other weekend if they choose to see him following a separation.

[AuditAngel]

My dad was like this with me. When i was about 13 or 14 I scored 98% on a maths test, and he asked me what happened to the other 2%! I was devastated. From that day I lost all respect for him, and never tried to please him again until the day he died.

I was very studious, first in my generation to get a degree (I have 6 older cousins and an older sister), my sister got pregnant a5 28 and I swear I got a harder time about 98% on a test than she did about getting pregnant.

I was told he was proud of me, shame he never told me that himself.

I can also see my DH doing it to our kids. DS is a bit rude and lazy, but at that age DH was out drinking and smoking, and not coming home!

[custodiandiscount]

My mother was like this, constant criticism for the tiniest things that are just normal teenage behaviour, like dropping my "t"s, being a bit scruffy, playing music loud enough to hear outside my bedroom door, not jumping to do my cleaning when told to or washing my own clothes when they needed it.

I have zero self esteem now in my 40's which has impacted my career, relationships, mental health. I have few friends as I don;t think I'm worth knowing. I am afraid of mother and how she will cut me next, and I only speak to her out of a sense of charity as she is old and unwell.

[billy1966]

OP,
He sounds deeply unpleasant.
And a bully.
Does nothing around the house but can't be told it.

Be careful of being seen to be his supporter.

I would take them aside and clearly refute to them what he has said.

Your children will indeed slowly pull away from such negativity and then disappear from your home life, because they don't want to be around it.

Personally, I would be telling HIM what a huge disappointment he is as a husband and a father.

I would also be exploring what sort of future I want.
Being with such an unpleasant man long term doesn't sound appealing.

[backseatcookers]

Personally, I don't have a problem with the odd swear word (not from the 9 yr old obviously), and I swear a lot. Therefore though, when they swear, it's always my fault.

And yet, OP, when the children are lazy and don't pick up after themselves it's still your fault or their fault.

Never his...

Funny that eh?

Glad you're starting to see him for what he is. A boring fun sponge of a hypocrite.

[Goose15]

Do you know what? This website is so good. It's so empowering to hear other women (and possibly men) tell you things from their personal experience. It makes me feel like I'm not alone and hearing positive stories of people coming through the other side of marriage break ups makes me feel more confident.
I can't believe how many of you say things and it's exactly how I feel, or it's of things that have happened.

@pointythings your post made me laugh, I could have written exactly what you said. He doesn't like the children swearing and if they say fuck he gets really angry. Personally, I don't have a problem with the odd swear word (not from the 9 yr old obviously), and I swear a lot. Therefore though, when they swear, it's always my fault.

[Nanny0gg]

He would possibly be allowed to express 'disappointment' if he was leading by example, but he isn't.

What does he contribute exactly?

[EinsteinaGogo]

Awwww, OP.

If you can't think about a single way he supports you, makes you laugh, helps out, makes you feel safe, makes the children feel secure... then you need to have a think 'what is the point?'.

You've got whole lot of life and future events to come. Maybe children's partners, weddings, maybe grandchildren.

It's not too late to rid yourself of the joy-drainer.

[user12699422578]

If your relationship is only "good" when everything is on his terms and you're too frightened to speak up because of the consequences, then it's not a good relationship.

He quite obviously has no respect for you. And I don't believe it is possible to genuinely love someone you don't respect.

Your children might not resent you (although they might well), but equally they may be wondering why you don't love them enough to defend them and why you endorse his mistreatment of them by staying with him.

Or why you have forced them to live in this toxic environment - children don't have the luxury of debating whether to stay or leave an abusive situation. When you choose to stay and tolerate it, you force them to endure it.

You may not have intended it that way, but your actions communicate that you agree with his continual put-downs.

It's damaging and hurtful for one parent to verbally beat you down all the time throughout your childhood. It can be just as damaging and hurtful that your other parent didn't care enough to step up and protect you. Dad hurts you, mum lets him.

Leaving is not easy, but nor is being forced to live like this every day and having no power to do anything about it.

[pointythings]

I had one of these. He had a host of other issues too, but that was the first time I actually started realising that not being married to him might not be so bad. His beef was that our well behaved, hard working, actually not messy and excellent at school DDs occasionally said 'fuck'. Which was a word he used quite frequently himself, but hey...

We didn't last long after that. There was alcohol involved too and it got messy, but my DDs are now 19 and 17, brilliant and still sweary at times. We are very happy.

Ending a marriage is scary, but honestly when your OH brings nothing to the table in terms of decent human warmth, it's time to call it quits.

[Ravenesque]

These things stay with you even when you are old enough to know that it's not your fault and that you are a decent person, those nasty words are there in the back of your head. I was told by a stepfather that my brother would do okay in the world because he was nice but no one would ever like me because I was a little bitch. It wasn't true and it isn't true, but in the back of my head, I still feel that hurt forty years later.

If I was in your position I would seriously think about divorcing him. It sounds like this isn't a one-off that he is useless around the house, doesn't want to listen to you when you want to talk about the children or taking a bit of the load and is, in general, a joy sucker. Your life would be so much better without him and your children would probably be so much happier as well because they would feel that you were on their side. Obviously, they need to pick up the bloody towels and bring their plates back to the kitchen, but it's hardly surprising they don't when they see their father never lift a finger around the house.

[screwthedoldrums]

We currently have a mountain bike in pieces spread across the hall, Living space and bit of kitchen

Us too! I want my lad to feel comfortable in our space. He's just started being tidier and doing house jobs without being asked, so the frontal lobe is getting there. I knew it would

[B9008]

I think sometimes children can be a disappointment (Those who turn to drugs or crime for example). In your case, they don’t sound like they deserve that tag. I think disappointing behaviour would be appropriate though especially as they have been told numerous times.

[destinasia]

My mother said it to me 25 years ago and I can still hear it.

When I went NC with DM, I also went NC with DF. He had never done or said anything bad to me ... but had never stopped it either.

[1Morewineplease]

Your OH sounds insufferable.
However... your children do need to take some responsibility for their washing.

[ChaosRising]

Tbh, from what you say about your changed response lately to his own lazy behaviour (that you don't care anymore and that this has caused issues in your relationship with your DH), it sounds a bit like he's annoyed with you emotionally checking out. He's using the children to vent his anger/get at you because he knows this will upset you while simply criticising you won't have the same effect.

[BendyLikeBeckham]

OP, this was one of the many reasons I divorced. He never did anything in the house and constantly caused upset and conflict with our teenage DC (also was abusive).

Have you heard of the boiling frog analogy?

It seems like the scales are dropping from your eyes.

Have you asked yourself what he actually brings to the relationship, both with you and with DC?

Would you all be happier without him?

[MorganKitten]

I think this is normal teenage behaviour (annoying, but normal), but he seems to think they're awful.

It’s only normal if you let them get away with it.
My mum once said I was a disappointment to her, straightened me out and made me do things differently and everything was fine after that.

[backseatcookers]

If I'm being honest, I feel jealous of your mum that she got out of the marriage. That is exactly how I feel about the future - both daunted and worrying about being lonely.

Oh love this makes me feel so sad for you.

For what it's worth my mum would never, ever have instigated the split (catholic upbringing) but dad cheating was in a way the best thing that ever happened to her as it set her free. But her confidence was so worn down by that point,

I wish she would have been able to leave before so much damage was done to her self confidence and also our feelings of being sacrificial as kids - our dad being allowed to say horrible things to us under the guise of 'keeping the family together.'

Do you ever confront him and say maybe if he showed them that everyone in the house should contribute, they might actually do so? And that him exempting himself from contributing doesn't exactly set a good example?

If your kids are daughters he just sounds like a horrible misogynist on top of everything else to be honest.

[Fanthorpe]

You sound quite lonely now though.

This is going to sound harsh but in relationships like yours there is usually one dysfunctional parent and one who enables them, but they’re equally to blame.

If he means what he says and your children have taken it seriously then it’s dysfunctional.

[PoetaDeLosSandwiches]

I was a disappointment to my mother. I could never do anything right, in her eyes. I had terrible self esteem, engaged in lots of risky behaviour when I was younger.

Similar to pp, when she died I felt relieved for that difficult relationship to have ended.

It sounds like his relationship with your dc is heading in the same direction.