To ask DP to take some of the night wakings

[Itthistheend]

My DD (2) has started frequently waking during the night around 4 outta 7 days. She has chronic constipation and seems to have pains throughout the night so is always fidgeting and needing comforted but recently this has became 4 nights a week of her being awake, sad and sleepy between 3-6.
She is getting treatment so hopefully an end in sight.

Basically I’m currently furloughed but due to start back soon and DP works 5 and 6 day weeks.
He wakes for work at 4 or 5 depending on his start time but never wakes to take DD at 3 if she’s up to let me get some rest. I get I’m currently off of work but it’s not as if I can sleep throughout the day so I’m trudging along like a zombie most of the week and surviving off 4 hours broken sleep a night. On his days off he will do her breakfast so I can get an extra hour in the morning but recently he will get up and go to the toilet for 15 minutes every morning so she’s up and climbing all over the top of me, by that time I’m wide awake anyway.

(Meals and housework are done entirely by me while off work but he does pick some of these up while I’m working)

AIBU to expect him to pull his weight with the night wakings now and again? Even 1 out of 4 would be such a help. When I bring it up to him he says he’s sorry and will help but nothing changes and if DD doesn’t sleep better soon I’ll never manage my shifts this tired.

YABU- I should do all nights especially while he’s working and I’m not.
YANBU- he needs to pull his weight.

Sorry for spelling and grammar I’m shattered

I should add he gets up an hour and a half before he needs to leave to sit about and wake up properly.

Rather than ask him to do night wakings, can you go to bed earlier, the same time as your dd, and catch up on your sleep that way.

I’d look at resolving the constipation issue too.
Increase your DD’s fibre intake, reduce eggs and highly processed foods. Switch to wholemeal bread, porridge for breakfast and give her dates & sultanas as snacks.

If I go to sleep at 7/8 with her I end up awake about 12 and then just start to get sleepy around the time she’s decided it’s time to get up and grumble for a couple of hours. So end up not getting back to sleep the rest of the night.

I really don’t want him to be shattered too but I’m starting to resent seeing him sound asleep and the fact I can’t even get a little extra time when he’s off anymore.

I’ve tried everything for the constipation, the drs even advised she’s probably having too much fibre at one point.
She’s on a mixture of laxatives just now but still not much change at the moment.

I won’t lie, she’s never been a good sleeper but gentle pats or a cuddle would get her back to sleep easy enough before.

Yanbu. Of course he should pull his weight.

Speak to your health visitor regarding massage for constipation they may be able to send you on a course or in my case a health visitor came to my home and showed me how to massage my sons tummy to get things moving a little and ease his discomfort, I’ve also used it on my 11 year old when she’s been bunged up.

I’ve had the baby massage classes when DD was 16 weeks as she has CMPA and a soya allergy. She gets that, bicycle kicks and a warm bath every night.

I am a bit 50:50 here. Yes of course he needs to pull his weight, but if you were really getting 4 hours of broken sleep a night walking at 3am then you would manage to sleep through going to bed at 8pm or even if you go to bed at 9pm that will be 2 hours more sleep for you. If you are exhausted, you will sleep past midnight.

Some real solidarity here ladies. Why can't he go to bed at 8 and get up at 3, if he gets up at 4 anyway?? But no. Of course it has to be mum. Tut tut to you. OP; I'd be telling him, not asking him. Good luck.

I’ve always had borderline insomnia and was on meds prior to breastfeeding.
Once I hear noises or DP banging about I’m wide awake again and it takes a few hours for my head to settle down and nod off. Also once DD is in bed DP always wants to settle with a movie or a tv show we like as its our only time together.

The full things just a bit shite. I just need to suck it up till the constipation gets a little better and Covid allows DD to be cared for by family (GP’s are shielding and were my previous childcare) for a couple of hours I guess.

If she sleeps poorly at night, doesn't she have naps during the day when you can sleep too?I'd have sympathy if you had another one but with only one to look after, I think it's right you do the nights when he is working and you're not.

@turnthebiglightoff

Some real solidarity here ladies. Why can't he go to bed at 8 and get up at 3, if he gets up at 4 anyway?? But no. Of course it has to be mum. Tut tut to you. OP; I'd be telling him, not asking him. Good luck.

I completely agree. He needs to pull his weight. You are doing the vast majority of the work here.

Nicely put turnthebiglightoff. Maybe OP likes a bit of downtime before bed in the evening. I know I need that as much as I need sleep and would feel just as tired without it. Also, maybe her sleep is different to yours, just because you could sleep through if you went to bed at 8 doesn't mean everyone can.

YANBU at all OP. Yes it's probably fair that you do most ATM, but not all. You need enough sleep and rest to be healthy and functioning. When you're back at work he needs to do half. You are both the parents so you both need to take on the tough bits.

@turnthebiglightoff that’s all I was wanting really, him to get up at 3 one of the days so I could catch an extra hour or two!

@dontdisturbmenow she has one 1-2 hour nap but I’m usually trying to bash out some housework, she’s currently climbing and getting into everything so most of her awake times got to be supervised. She’s like a small ridiculously cute hurricane.

You have my sympathies Op.
DS suffered from chronic constipation at the same age.
What meds has your DD been prescribed?

DS was on 10 sachets of laxido/movicol at one point.
He also had ducolax occasionally. I found it gave him cramps so I used to give it in first thing the morning instead of at night.

I get what people are saying about pulling his weight but equally he is working 6 days a week some days, getting up v early and does help out in other ways. I would set yourselves time (say you 9-12 and 5-7) that you don’t get disturbed and he does wake ups and him 12-5 or similar. Then you should both get decent blocks of sleep. Ultimately if you’re off you probably need to pick up a bit more of the slack now and reassess and split equally once you’re back in work.

Also if she’s napping sleep then. Do housework when DH is home and can have her so maybe early evening. Sleep is more important than anything else!

I can't sleep before 11, but if I went to bed knackered early enough for a few days I'm sure I could. I haven't taken one nap during the day since giving birth 15 months ago; I can't. Yes different people have different rhythms but what on Earth is stopping him from getting up an hour earlier? This to a PP, not the OP who strangely agrees with me

Some real solidarity here ladies.

meh - he's working a lot and if he's up at 4 or 4:30 there wasn't anything about him not going to the DD then.

Frankly OP needs more sleep, and that really doesn't matter if her day moves from ending at 8 and starting at 3 since she's not working. And if her dd gets a nap in during the day she can take one then. DH can cover the time from when he gets home and his day off, surely?

The important thing is not to have so little sleep your MH is compromised.

@WillowB she’s currently on one sachet of movicol and 2 doses of 5ml lactolose a day, only started the movicol a couple of days ago so fingers crossed it makes a difference. Your poor DS, it’s a horrible thing to see them suffer with.

@Napqueen1234 he hasn’t done housework or cooked a meal since lockdown began and I was furloughed, his only help has been breakfast on a Sunday morning which he’s started finding a way around by letting DD wake me up while he goes to the loo for 15 minutes first thing. I’m all for taking the brunt of it, she prefers me when she’s sad anyway but really could use him picking up at least one of the night wakings for me.

I’m not sure if you can reasonably ask him to get up earlier tbh, OP. He’s working a six-day week and getting up at 4am as it is. You only have one child and it’s not as if you have to be up and out anywhere. When you back to work too, then obviously that’s different.

What time does he finish work though? Why is he getting up so early?

I'm guessing that your doctor has already checked that's she's not impacted? It can happen if they've been constipated a while and requires increasing the doses of movicol until the backlog is shifted, then a maintenance dose of a daily sachet.

I really hope things get better for you.

@WillowB thankfully her tummy is still pretty soft to press (although a little bloated) and the dr isn’t too worried about impaction.

I think one thing that really needs tackling is how loud he is when he DOES help. My partner is exactly the same and I really struggle to get through to him about it, but basically I'm not a great sleeper myself, though I need a lot, so unless he gets up quietly and doesn't talk to me in the mornings, then he's going to disturb me too much for me to get back to sleep. Nothing disturbs him so he struggles to get it.

If you come to the conclusion that there's no way he can help with the nights, then you need to have a serious conversation with him and implore him to PLEASE be quiet and take DD totally out of your hair on the few occasions you are able to get some rest, because you really rely on those times and are really struggling.