To ask DP to take some of the night wakings

[Itthistheend]

My DD (2) has started frequently waking during the night around 4 outta 7 days. She has chronic constipation and seems to have pains throughout the night so is always fidgeting and needing comforted but recently this has became 4 nights a week of her being awake, sad and sleepy between 3-6.
She is getting treatment so hopefully an end in sight.

Basically I’m currently furloughed but due to start back soon and DP works 5 and 6 day weeks.
He wakes for work at 4 or 5 depending on his start time but never wakes to take DD at 3 if she’s up to let me get some rest. I get I’m currently off of work but it’s not as if I can sleep throughout the day so I’m trudging along like a zombie most of the week and surviving off 4 hours broken sleep a night. On his days off he will do her breakfast so I can get an extra hour in the morning but recently he will get up and go to the toilet for 15 minutes every morning so she’s up and climbing all over the top of me, by that time I’m wide awake anyway.

(Meals and housework are done entirely by me while off work but he does pick some of these up while I’m working)

AIBU to expect him to pull his weight with the night wakings now and again? Even 1 out of 4 would be such a help. When I bring it up to him he says he’s sorry and will help but nothing changes and if DD doesn’t sleep better soon I’ll never manage my shifts this tired.

YABU- I should do all nights especially while he’s working and I’m not.
YANBU- he needs to pull his weight.

Sorry for spelling and grammar I’m shattered

Tell him he might as well start now as he'll be doing it 50% if the time when you go back to work.

I totally get I’m off just now but will be due to start back really soon. I know I came for advice and can see a lot feel I should just take the whole workload while he’s working. His job isn’t hard but would be a little tougher tired I suppose. He works 7-4 and on his 6 day week his extra shift is 7-12 but he gets up early to play on his phone and have breakfast chilled out.

The usual consensus on Mumsnet is that even if the wife/partner is a SAHP she shouldn’t have to hold the weight of all chores and childcare. Why is it a different because I’m furloughed? I don’t even remember my last bath alone nevermind full nights sleep.

What time does he get home from work if he has to get up at 4am?

I think he should help. It’s hard work looking after a little one all day and can be more draining than a full time job.

I would split the night wakings between you. So if DD is awake from 3-6 you should do 1.5 hours each so you get equal rest. If he gets up well in advance of the time he has to leave then he should tend to DD during that time while you sleep.

@Itthistheend

I totally get I’m off just now but will be due to start back really soon. I know I came for advice and can see a lot feel I should just take the whole workload while he’s working. His job isn’t hard but would be a little tougher tired I suppose. He works 7-4 and on his 6 day week his extra shift is 7-12 but he gets up early to play on his phone and have breakfast chilled out.

The usual consensus on Mumsnet is that even if the wife/partner is a SAHP she shouldn’t have to hold the weight of all chores and childcare. Why is it a different because I’m furloughed? I don’t even remember my last bath alone nevermind full nights sleep.

I don't think anyone is saying he shouldn't do anything. I mean, if he finishes at 4pm, can't he just help out in the evenings instead? Do dinner, bath and bedtime so you can have a bath on your own and have some downtime?

I don't think you can ask him to wake up for work four hours before his shift starts just so you can get some more sleep when you're at home all day anyway. I mean, would you wake up at 3am, knowing you'd not be home for at least another thirteen hours, if he was home with your child all day?

He should sleep in the spare room, you should go to bed EARLY with your DD.

It's much easier to comfort a child without getting up so you can both go back to sleep.

Otherwise it has nothing to do with gender, if one partner works 6 days a week and the other doesn't (furlough or SAH parent), then yes, the one at home should do the night.

That said, it wouldn't kill your partner to take care of his child on his only night off and let you sleep one night a week. Or one of us can have a long nap on the day off, whatever works better for both of you.

I think it's unfair to ask him to wake up earlier when hes working six days a week but he could certainly do a couple of chores do bath time stick some washing kn etc

@vanillandhoney he doesn’t have to get up at 4, he only works about 15 minutes drive from our home and starts at 7, he chooses to cause he likes time to laze about before his shift.
He’s pretty hopeless with her diet too so if I ever do ask him to get dinner sorted it’s basic ovened chicken nuggets (full of wheat and not ideal for her tummy)

It’s getting to the stage it would be easier to be a single parent as at least I’d only have me and DD to feed and clean up after.

He’ll be in for a swift fall back to reality when I’m back at work as I work all his time off, and GP’s only pick up the childcare for my weekday shifts.

I don't think it's as simple as who works and who doesn't, looking after joint children should be classed as "work" in my opinion, so it comes down to who actually ends up having more time to themselves. Only you know what that balance is like, and your last update makes it sound like he's getting free/rest time and you aren't. If one party has the time to chill on the sofa and the other never does, then the former should be helping more.

I also think it sheds a different light on the situation that he is choosing to get up at 4 when his work actually starts at 7.

Sounds to me like you'd better off without him.

Sympathy for the lack of sleep! I don't think you've said what time your Dd wakes up in the morning? Or what time your partner heads to work? My view is I think you might be better off you doing the night shift, because if you're anything like me, you will be the one who hears your Dd so she'll wake you anyway, you'll then be lying there trying not to listen to your partner trying to comfort her (and telling him how to do it better in your head). But I think your partner should then get up with Dd in the morning and let you sleep in until the last possible minute. Him getting up at 4am to take a 15 min dump then play on his phone for 3hrs before work is a luxury. And he needs to keep the noise down.

Also if you can arrange to go out for a good solid chunk of time at the weekend as a one off, then do! 1) to enjoy a break but more important 2) so your partner realises childcare is tough! My dh seems to need 'reminding' that looking after the kids is kind of harder than going to work!

With the constipation , my own 2 year old Is currently coming through the other side.
Sounds like your dd is impacted if it’s causing this much trouble?
My dd was on 8 sachets of movicol and is now down to 5 a day. Honestly the difference with sleep is amazing.
Also the lactulose was giving her stomach cramps. She was on it for two months and as soon as she was off it the cramps stopped.
Movicol mummies on Facebook has excellent advice if you wanted to join.

@Indecisivelurcher she sleeps till about 7.30 so after he’s already left for work she gets up and about, I’d probably not grudge the night wakings at all if I had the opportunity for a couple hours break every other day so your pretty spot on. It’s like a 24/7 job where even when your off shift your still on call.

@GiveMeAllTheGin8 oh I’ll have a look on Facebook for that group, it’s a nightmare getting the movicol into her but I do think she’s getting cramps a lot so maybe stopping the lactulose and persevering with the sachets is best.
Glad to hear your LO is coming out the other end of it!

He hasn't cooked a meal or done any housework since lockdown began? That's shit, just because you're furloughed that doesnt mean he can stop acting like an adult. If you're busy looking after your 2 year old in the day, then you should do that while he is working, and fit in what housework you can around your daughter, but in my opinion the evenings and weekends you should both pitch in and do equal share of the housework. And whatever the work situation, both of you are parents and both of you should expect to be more tired than normal when your children go through periods of not sleeping. Yes maybe you should do most of it because you're not working but he can't use the 'I'm working' card to get out of parenting overnight. So if she wakes 3 times say then him doing one is reasonable. It's not fair for him to carry on as normal sleep wise while you get more and more tired or you will get ill, be unable to function and end up hating him and being a shit snappy parent (if you're anything like me!). Also she needs to get used to being settled by him so it can go to 50 50 when you're both back at work, surely

Op I really think you should rest whilst she naps. I say this as I’m heavily pregnant with one year old & as much as I want to bash out housework during nap time recently Iv started napping when he does during the day & I feel so much better for it! Yes they are into everything but more refreshed I can get my chores done with him bumbling about nearby.

she has one 1-2 hour nap but I’m usually trying to bash out some housework
Housework is really not priority right now. Rest when she is and your oh can help with housework when he comes home.

Of course he should be doing some of it. Not 50% - like you say he's working and you're not currently - but some of it.

He should certainly sort out the 15 min wee in the mornings. If that's your only chance to get an extra hour's sleep, it's not just selfish but almost malicious of him to sabotage that. It's a tiny thing he can do to help that hardly impacts on him at all - I would be extremely insistent that he needs to ensure you're NOT woken up on those occasions.

I've also just seen he works 7-4. So there's no reason he can't do the dinner every night? Or take the baby for the whole evening to give you a break?

Also forgot to say, when you go back to bed after the main night waking, put earplugs in and wear an eye mask. Anything before 7am or whenever your partner leaves the house is his responsibility. He can get you up when he goes out.

People that say housework isn't a priority I find tend to have cleaners. It is a priority. Clean plates, clean toilets and clean clothes are a priority. Some people can't nap when baby does and mine only napped for 20 mins at a time 3 times a day. The dad should be helping much much more. I've been furloughed for 3 months and my husband and I do every other night each. My ds doesn't wake really overnight anymore but we still have a night each.

@turnthebiglightoff I agree with that. People always say housework isn't a priority but we're not talking polishing the ornaments, things like the dishes need doing for family life to function.

It would be reasonable for him to do at least a night when he's not working. Do make sure this doesn't end up still being your responsibility if it's still going on when you're back to work, too. Poor DD, it must be very unpleasant.

Sorry but I think YABU- he works 6 days a week and on his day off he does her breakfast so you can have a lie in...
Looking after a two year old is your job for now.
Before you are back to work discuss the arrangements with him, hopefully your DD gets her sleep improved by then

If you are exhausted, you will sleep past midnight

Nope that’s just not true, if I go to bed at that time I wake up for 12/1am and that’s that. It doesn’t matter how exhausted I am.