To ask DP to take some of the night wakings

[Itthistheend]

My DD (2) has started frequently waking during the night around 4 outta 7 days. She has chronic constipation and seems to have pains throughout the night so is always fidgeting and needing comforted but recently this has became 4 nights a week of her being awake, sad and sleepy between 3-6.
She is getting treatment so hopefully an end in sight.

Basically I’m currently furloughed but due to start back soon and DP works 5 and 6 day weeks.
He wakes for work at 4 or 5 depending on his start time but never wakes to take DD at 3 if she’s up to let me get some rest. I get I’m currently off of work but it’s not as if I can sleep throughout the day so I’m trudging along like a zombie most of the week and surviving off 4 hours broken sleep a night. On his days off he will do her breakfast so I can get an extra hour in the morning but recently he will get up and go to the toilet for 15 minutes every morning so she’s up and climbing all over the top of me, by that time I’m wide awake anyway.

(Meals and housework are done entirely by me while off work but he does pick some of these up while I’m working)

AIBU to expect him to pull his weight with the night wakings now and again? Even 1 out of 4 would be such a help. When I bring it up to him he says he’s sorry and will help but nothing changes and if DD doesn’t sleep better soon I’ll never manage my shifts this tired.

YABU- I should do all nights especially while he’s working and I’m not.
YANBU- he needs to pull his weight.

Sorry for spelling and grammar I’m shattered

When my husband was working (also quite early starts) I would never let him do the night shift, but he did lots of other things for them and with them at other times.

Except the weekend of course!

He could do one night a week no worries which wouldn’t kill him. Sounds bone idle all together if he has done no housework 100 days in. Is he always a lazy bum?

I think you need to sit down and agree split of responsibilities. I find it easier if each partner takes the bit that causes them least "pain" but still is making life easier for the other parent even if it doesn't appear to be a fair split.

For example, as I am bf theres absolutely no point DP waking in the night with 3 week old DD eventhough she would do the changing/settling but I have to be awake anyway I'd rather she got a full night to help with 2 year old DS in the day and I can then leave both of them with her guilt free to get a nap. It might not really seem fair but it works and we both are pulling our weight just in different ways.

What is better or you, DP doing 1 night? All wakes in certain hours? Taking Dd in the day he's not working so you can rest? Doing housework when he gets home so you can go to bed? Work out what you want and tell him

Looking after a two year old is your job for now.

Surely it's her job during the hours she would be working, and the rest of the time it is both of their jobs? I don't subscribe to the mentality that because the dad is working for 10 hours of the day, the mum is solely responsible for the child 100% of the time, whilst he can fill the rest of it with leisure activities. I think it is naive and unreasonable of a parent to expect their life to change this little and involve this level of before/after work childcare just because they have a job. It certainly takes someone with very little appreciation for how much maturity is needed around prioritising good sleep, and how much teamwork parenting requires, to get up two hours earlier than necessary for no good reason rather than reserving that energy to contribute usefully to the family unit. That is madness to me with a two year old to care for.

If he took the baby one night he could get up at 6 and not 4 for ONE night.

But his priorities are ME time in the morning.
That’s the crux of it.

Hang on... DJ he foes the need to leave for work until 6.45, yet he still gets up at 4am? What’s the point of that?

OP, I think what you should do is try and nap a bit when your daughter does in the afternoon. Then when he gets in at 4.30 or whatever, he can just watch her for a while if you need to do anything in particular. Or he could put her to bed and you could have a bath.

Does he go to bed really early as well?

@Itthistheend
Luckily my dd still takes a bottle of milk so o put most of it on there. I also make up jelly with it so she’s having jelly a lot 😂

It’s not just about what’s an objectively fair division of labour, because you could have that and still be in a position where one parent wasn’t coping. What kind of partner KNOWS their partner is exhausted and won’t lift a finger to help? I can’t imagine leaving my husband to struggle even if our division of labour seemed fair.....if he’s struggling, he’s struggling and as a loving partner I want to help him. We all take on more at different times to help share the burden, not so that we’re each carrying exactly 50% on some imaginary excel spreadsheet of work, but so that we can function as individuals and as a family.

Who would do anything different?

I always wonder how the women who bleat so loudly that men shouldn’t have to be awake at night because they’re working think women with careers (my own certainly seems likely to be vastly more demanding than this bloke’s) manage to be parents. In two-career households we both have to accept some disruption to sleep despite our Very Important Jobs.

two people working, then they have to share the nights. But i saw pp call him lazy - he works outside the home 6 days a week.

I thiink he could take at least one night - and i also think pp suggestion that anything between 4 and 6:45 should be on him too, tbh.

It's not about doing what other people do, though, it's doing what is right for your family. (deffo agree that he should be doing housework etc when he gets home)