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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to consider having a 5th baby at 45?

134 replies

Tinkerbellone · 28/06/2020 20:14

I'm with a lovely guy. He has no children. He's 35 I'm 45. We are financially comfortable.
I have four children. Age 9-18. He's wonderful with the children. (Their dad isn't that bothered).

He says he isn't concerned about having a baby but if it happens he is happy either way. I feel sad he may miss out on raising a child from birth and being a (biological) father.

What would you do? Would you have a 5th baby at 45? In reality what are the risks? Is it selfish of me to even think about another child?

Please be kind. I am looking for opinions.
Thinking about the future.

OP posts:

Saharafordessert · 28/06/2020 20:20

If voting were enabled I would vote Yabu purely because I think 45 is just too old especially considering you have 4 children already!
Imagine the impact on your children and how it will affect their lives.
I’m sure there will be posters who say go for it, that age is just a number but that’s my view.

thepeopleversuswork · 28/06/2020 20:21

The risk of birth defects is certainly higher at 45 and it is also likely to be harder to conceive -- you may not be able to without IVF.

A lot of people will pile on to tell you you are too old to have a baby at 45 -- they will say that you'll be too old to run around after your kids and its not fair for you to have kids in your 40s because you'll be in your 60s when they are in their 20s. I happen to think this is misogynist bollocks but there's a surprising number of people who think like this.

What does jump out at me is you say your OH isn't bothered about having a baby. I think if this is the case you need to think quite hard about whether its worth the grief when you already have four. The reality is that at your age the chances of just getting accidentally knocked up are fairly slim. It may take ages and is likely to require help so you've both got to really want it.

You say you think he will miss out on having his own biological kids but that's not really your lookout and I think you have to ask yourself whether you're concerned for him or whether you just want another child yourself. If its the latter and if, as you say, he's not that fussed, I would take quite a hard look at what your real priority is. Is it having another baby or is it him? Because if he's not really committed I think it will put your relationship under a lot of pressure.

cabinfever2 · 28/06/2020 20:21

Ok a few things to consider

How long have you been together? Having step children is a very different responsibility
Does he actually want one or is he not fussed either way?
How would you cope if child 5 had a disability would you be able to manage this with the 4 you have (this is not meant to sound insensitive just something to consider as happened to a family member of mine with child 5 too and it's a real struggle)

If it's what you both want and you still can then go for it :)

FridayNightAtTheBronze · 28/06/2020 20:22

45 is too old. I wouldn't do it.

The risk of the child having disabilities is high, so you would have to be prepared for that.

Also, at 45 could you cope with a multiple birth?

climbingcorfecastle · 28/06/2020 20:22

Honestly I think you would be completely mad. At your age I imagine the chance of miscarriage and abnormalities is very high, you need to factor in how it would impact on your existing children. Don't underestimate how much harder pregnancy and sleepless nights would be on you too.

LaureBerthaud · 28/06/2020 20:22

I don't think you are too old but I think 4 children is plenty. Enjoy your children and new boyfriend.

IndiaMay · 28/06/2020 20:23

I wouldnt! I'm pretty sure after the age of 40 your chance of getting pregnant naturally is 1 in 10. Your change of miscarriage is 50%. Even if you were the small percentage who got pregnant and didnt miscarry, you're also hugely at risk of down syndrome and Edwards syndrome.

rottiemum88 · 28/06/2020 20:23

He says he isn't concerned about having a baby

Take this at face value, don't project your own feelings onto him and how it might feel not to have a biological child if he's never indicated this is an issue. Your hormones are reaching last chance saloon stage right about now, so you'd potentially be feeling an additional biological urge to have another anyway. You already have 4 children. Four. Given how much higher the risks are given your age I'd absolutely stick with what you have and count myself lucky

Aquamarine1029 · 28/06/2020 20:23

He says he isn't concerned about having a baby but if it happens he is happy either way.

That isn't exactly a ringing endorsement to have a child. He's basically just said, "Meh, whatever."

I feel sad he may miss out on raising a child from birth and being a (biological) father.

Stop projecting your feelings onto him. If he really wanted a child, he would have one.

Aside from that, no, I wouldn't have another at your age. You already have 4, isn't that enough? What if a new baby have very serious handicaps? How could you manage that, and given your age the risk is much higher. You're at a point when you are soon going to be able to start a whole new chapter of your life without young children. I can tell you from experience that it's absolutely wonderful. I loved having my kids, but being independent again is bloody fantastic. I'm 47 and can't imagine anything worse than having a baby again.

BabyLlamaZen · 28/06/2020 20:23

If he's not fussed and has taken your kids on as his own, why ruin that?

Are you secretly broody op?

DorotheaHomeAlone · 28/06/2020 20:23

I agree with pp. If he’s not pushing for this then I can’t see why you are. The impact on your older kids would be substantial even if you were successful and the risks are high. Enjoy sharing the next phase of life with your partner. Don’t try to do-over your past.

mencken · 28/06/2020 20:23

'not concerned' is not a strong enough reason for 18 years of parenting.

getting married first is also quite a good idea.

maddieharrison · 28/06/2020 20:23

Hi ! It's obviously a decision you have to make soon due to your age. From what you have said there is no pressure from him which is good. You have to really want to have another baby if you are going to try, rather than just do it for his sake. Especially if he isn't actively wanting to try but is happy to see how life pans out. It's hard to see what the future holds and you should always have a plan B for your own peace of mind in case it does not work out but you need to think carefully about how another baby will fit into that if it doesn't. (Always best to have all bases covered)

Figgygal · 28/06/2020 20:24

Yes
YABU

TwilightPeace · 28/06/2020 20:27

I feel sad he may miss out on raising a child from birth and being a (biological) father.

This says it all really. You’re making it all about you and your feelings.

As pps said, you’re projecting your own feelings onto him.
He has literally said he isn’t fussed.

cptartapp · 28/06/2020 20:27

My friend had her second set of twins at 47 last year. Her first set are 17!
All healthy and she can afford a nanny/not to work. Bonkers though IMO.

TwilightPeace · 28/06/2020 20:29

From what you have said there is no pressure from him which is good.

Yeah but the lack of pressure is because he isn’t bothered whether he has a baby or not.

WeDontTalkAboutLove · 28/06/2020 20:29

Ignoring age and children you already have:

He says he isn't concerned about having a baby but if it happens he is happy either way. I feel sad he may miss out on raising a child from birth and being a (biological) father.

I, personally, don't think this is reason enough to have another child. I would feel differently if it were something both of you actively wanted rather than something that he isn't fussed about. A child should be wanted.

formerbabe · 28/06/2020 20:30

Oh god no, I wouldn't do that

LadyPrigsbottom · 28/06/2020 20:31

Personally, I wouldn't have a fifth baby, so my DP, who isn't bothered about having a baby, won't miss out on having the experience he actually isn't bothered about having! I imagine a fifth pregnancy could be hard going at the best of times. It may be harder as you are a bit older. If you find it very hard or are left with any ongoing problems after the pregnancy, is that really fair on your dcs? Or on your dp? Who would look after the baby and your existing dcs if you were really struggling?

Those would be my thoughts if I were in your shoes, based just on your op. Obviously, you know the situation better than any if us can though.

Nellydean21 · 28/06/2020 20:32

Yes you are mad to consider it. Why? Do you think you're going to get pregnant instantly at 45 with no health considerations for you or the child.

You have 4 children. Would you have another if single? If not and considering DP doesnt seem bothered are you thinking if having a child to 'keep him'?
Not having ones own biological child us hardly a hardship especially with four children in his family.

Marianneconnell · 28/06/2020 20:32

No way

SpeedofaSloth · 28/06/2020 20:33

YABU.

DisobedientHamster · 28/06/2020 20:33

@TwilightPeace

I feel sad he may miss out on raising a child from birth and being a (biological) father.

This says it all really. You’re making it all about you and your feelings.

As pps said, you’re projecting your own feelings onto him.
He has literally said he isn’t fussed.

This. It's not a good reason to create a human being with someone. If he's that bothered he needs to find someone younger. YABU. You have plenty of children already and are too old, IMO. So many assume they'll have healthy pregnancies and children with no issues in their mid-40s, that kind of stuff happens to someone else, then wind up with a child who has condition/conditions and the relationship breaks down (it's very common).

Ilikeviognier · 28/06/2020 20:35

No way. You already have 4. Also who says you can get pregnant at 45? Most people can’t at that age.

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