AIBU to consider having a 5th baby at 45?

[Tinkerbellone]

I'm with a lovely guy. He has no children. He's 35 I'm 45. We are financially comfortable.
I have four children. Age 9-18. He's wonderful with the children. (Their dad isn't that bothered).

He says he isn't concerned about having a baby but if it happens he is happy either way. I feel sad he may miss out on raising a child from birth and being a (biological) father.

What would you do? Would you have a 5th baby at 45? In reality what are the risks? Is it selfish of me to even think about another child?

Please be kind. I am looking for opinions.
Thinking about the future.

I wouldn’t be ultimately your choice of course

I am a few yrs older than you OP & I decided no more in my early 30's.....I didn't want to have any big gap & didn't want to be 50+ with teens. I wouldn't do it OP, there are high risks & you'll be 60s with a teen & your partner says he isn't that bothered. If he were, it wd be a dealbreaker for me.

If he was very keen for his own biological child and you had been together a while and were very committed then I would go for no.5 (I’m 44 with 4 children) but it doesn’t sound as though he’s that keen. I would have a heart-to-heart with him and see what he really wants from you/your relationship and if it’s for the long term...then make your decision...You would effectively be doing this for him/your relationship with him.

Good luck!

Too risky. Believe him when he says he’s not bothered.

No.

I think it's a very, very bad idea to have a child for the sake of a person who doesn't really want one.

I feel sad he may miss out on raising a child from birth and being a (biological) father.

You are projecting. Believe him when he says he does not feel sad.

No way, maybe if it was your first and you were both keen but you have 4 children to put first and a dp who is not that bothered

I was 41 and dh 31 when we met. He had no dc - hadn't considered he would be a good df(awful childhood)..
I conceived at 42ish and had a ds at 43.2
.ttc again a year later but mmc only. Dr said unlikely at 45 I would carry a healthy dc. Although a minority can... Nothing wrong asking a gp for initial check up for hormone levels .
I had dc already..

No, no, a thousand times no.

Think of the impact on your existing children if you have a 5th child with major additional needs, - and I say that as the mother of a much lived DD2 who is severely disabled (tube-fed etc).

This sounds all about what you want and not what he wants.

How would he feel if your baby was disabled? How would your other children manage if that was the case? How would you feel knowing your desire to have a baby so late was the cause? Think very carefully.

The chances of you conceiving and carrying to term would be very low and you would almost certainly have to endure miscarriages for someone who isn't fussed about having children!

YABU.

I would hesitate. The risks of something going wrong (miscarriage, birth complications for you or disability for the baby) are significantly higher at your age. I would really worry about what effect such outcomes would have on your other children.
I'd probably feel differently if this was your first child but with 4 already, I'd say don't upset the apple cart and enjoy the children you have.

That's insane. Really insane.

Worst case scenario: you bust a gut to conceive a child who has additional needs. Mr Meh is also just as meh about doing his bit as daddy, and why not - he's already let you know he's lukewarm about fatherhood. You go right back to the beginning, carry on busting a gut doing everything with twice the tiredness (45 remember) while having not at all enough time for your older kids. He gets bored of your attention constantly being elsewhere and leaves. Hardly bother with the child he wasn't fussed about having anyway. Lose-lose all round.

If he isn't really bothered either way I would say don't do it for all the reasons already mentioned.

Ultimately it’s your choice, but your partner will need to accept this and he has already told you how he feels about it... ie not bothered .
I’m going to be blunt and suggest that your hormones are having a final ‘surge’ that you may well regret if you fall for it.
Many peri-menopausal women feel the way that you do now. I’m sorry if I’ve offended you by saying that. You’ve already got four. Another would be treated as a baby and not a sibling due to the age gap. Your youngest would probably leave home by the time this child is 9.

Think of the toll on your body and the possibility of birth defects.

When this child is 20 you will be an OAP, as opposed to middle aged. You may well be confused as to being his/her grandmother.

If you’re happy to countenance the negatives then you should go for it , if you can.

No way!

I vote no

How long are you with him?
Not that it matters really - he doesn’t seem to care much one way or the other about a baby.
How would you feel about being a single mother to 5?

No way

No, it doesn't sound like he's desperate to be a dad. I wouldn't do it.

45 isnt too old, but you may find getting pregnant not so easy and there is an increase risk of miscarriage and foetal abnormalities. Statistics suggest not many women have a successful pregnancy over 45, but i am not sure if this is because the do not take into account that most women over the age of 45 are not actively trying to conceive.

It wouldn't be for me, primarily because of the risk of disability. I assume you can afford a fifth, so perhaps if you do go for it (far from certain you'd get pregnant), get the very expensive, full NIPT. It costs about £1000 and does full chromosome array. I can dig out the details if you're interested.

Nope, sorry.