Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to consider having a 5th baby at 45?

134 replies

Tinkerbellone · 28/06/2020 20:14

I'm with a lovely guy. He has no children. He's 35 I'm 45. We are financially comfortable.
I have four children. Age 9-18. He's wonderful with the children. (Their dad isn't that bothered).

He says he isn't concerned about having a baby but if it happens he is happy either way. I feel sad he may miss out on raising a child from birth and being a (biological) father.

What would you do? Would you have a 5th baby at 45? In reality what are the risks? Is it selfish of me to even think about another child?

Please be kind. I am looking for opinions.
Thinking about the future.

OP posts:
Couchbettato · 28/06/2020 21:14

I would not want to spend my entire adult life raising children. There's more to life.

It's undeniable that birth defects are more prevalent the older you are when you give birth, which is also a risk that should be calculated.

And also I definitely wouldn't unless my partner was strongly on board, because I wouldn't want to steal the good years of his adult life from him before arthritis, breathlessness, and many many other potential ailments set in.

Waveysnail · 28/06/2020 21:15

I wouldn't. Enjoy your boyfriend rather than worrying about having a baby

Panicmode1 · 28/06/2020 21:16

I have 4 children and am 46..no way would I have another now.. the risks are too high. When I had my 4th, there was a lady who was 50 who had had IVF with her partner, who was desperate for a biological child of his own. She wasn't keen but loved him and made the sacrifice.. He left her when she was 7 months pregnant......

MasterMargarita · 28/06/2020 21:16

I don't think it's a good idea. Like many other PPs have said there's a difference between desperately wanting a child and what your partner said. Don't pretend you'd be doing it for him out of concern!

Do you really want to be going to toddler play groups in your late 40s? Doing primary school run in your mid 50s? Dealing with teenage drama in early 60s? Potentially still having your child living with you into your 70s?

namechangetheworld · 28/06/2020 21:16

Nope, too old. Sorry.

CluelessBaker · 28/06/2020 21:17

It’s ultimately your choice but hard to see how it could be a good one. At your age the risk of birth defects would be much higher, and you’ll still be raising teenagers in your sixties. Not to mention the inevitable effect it will have on your four existing children.

The only benefit seems to be that you’re worried your current boyfriend will feel sad on missing out on raising kids. He doesn’t seem to be concerned, though, and if it’s a big deal for him he will make that clear.

It just seems like a bad idea all round.

SomewhereInbetween1 · 28/06/2020 21:24

He's not bothered. You shouldn't be either.

diddl · 28/06/2020 21:28

5th baby?

No way, not at any age!

TheVanguardSix · 28/06/2020 21:32

No. Don't be daft.

Tatapie · 28/06/2020 21:35

YABU sorry

Growingboys · 28/06/2020 21:39

I wouldn't do that

FilthyforFirth · 28/06/2020 21:42

Nope far too old. I am 35 having my second and I feel pretty old.

KetoWinnie · 28/06/2020 21:44

You'd be MAD
You have four children already. You should be gearing up to finally, finally enjoy some freedom.

Did you say your partner is ten years younger? When you're 50 with a child who hasn't even started school yet, you're going to love it if you split up.

ButterflyWitch · 28/06/2020 21:47

No f@&&££ing way. I'm 42 with a 6yo and 2yo. It's exhausting. Enjoy the life you have OP

Noconceptofnormal · 28/06/2020 21:47

A 35 year old man who has chosen to be with a 45 year old woman who already had 4 kids is clearly not that bothered about having children as if he was he'd be with someone his own age or younger.

It's not worth the risk - worst case scenario you end up with a disabled child and your partner ends up leaving as he wasn't really that bothered in the first place but decides it's too hard.

If he decides he wants a baby further down the line, you may well split up,but don't have a baby as a, way of holding on to him.

onceuponatimer · 28/06/2020 21:48

You would be absolutely mad to do this for all the reasons already mentioned.

gingganggooleywotsit · 28/06/2020 21:49

Hell no! Op don't do it, doesn't sound like your partner is bothered either way.

Indigochi · 28/06/2020 21:51

Yes. I'd be embarrassed to have an older parent. Not to mention the risks at your age

Doordine · 28/06/2020 21:51

I honestly can't imagine why you would. Sounds like you are only considering it to give him an experience he isn't that concerned about. Nowhere near enough reason to create a new life in my opinion. Best of luck whatever you decide to do X

KetoWinnie · 28/06/2020 21:52

Also you have to think about this @Tinkerbellone, some men like to ''try on'' family life. Which he is certainly doing, with bells on given that you have four children and at least one of them is still quite young.

This appeals to some men, being in a family but with ZERO responsibility. Not saying he should have responsibility, he shouldn't. Your children aren't his children, and he shouldn't have to support them.

Anything he does for them is ''altruistic'', to be filed under ''isn't he great''.

This is a type of hero that some men enjoy living up to. Consciously or unconsciously they like this ''amn't I great'' identity.

But you have his baby, one that he has *responsibility^ for, and the dynamics change completely.

This is not scientific. This is from fifteen years of reading threads on mumsnet to be honest. Yes, I need to get a life!

Aquicknamechange2019 · 28/06/2020 21:54

@Tootletum which test is this, please?

Myshinynewname · 28/06/2020 21:54

Sorry OP but I don't think it's a good idea either. All pregnancy has some risks for the mum as well - if something was to happen to you who will care for the 4 children you already have? The dad, who doesn't bother with them? Or their step dad, who is not that bothered about kids? I know the chance is small, but the consequences would be huge, all for a fifth baby that your boyfriend isn't fussed about having.

Tootletum · 28/06/2020 22:03

@Aquicknamechange2019 here you go - www.themedicalchambers.com/specialties/ultrasound/maternit-genome

tootiredtoclean · 28/06/2020 22:04

My DM had my youngest sibling at 43 for similar reasons to you. We had discussed as a family the chances of him having a disability and the effects on the family. We are a large family so being another sibling didn't effect the dynamics.

However, what we hadn't thought of is the effects of the pregnancy on my DM. I ended up bringing my brother up and my DM had numerous surgeries. 13 years later and he is still "my baby" and my DM has admitted she found it too much but now we're all older wouldn't change it for the world.

Something to consider in your decision making but as a teen at the time we as a family loved having another sibling in the bunch and I can't imagine it not being this way.

tootiredtoclean · 28/06/2020 22:05

Bringing* autocorrect

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread