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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to consider having a 5th baby at 45?

134 replies

Tinkerbellone · 28/06/2020 20:14

I'm with a lovely guy. He has no children. He's 35 I'm 45. We are financially comfortable.
I have four children. Age 9-18. He's wonderful with the children. (Their dad isn't that bothered).

He says he isn't concerned about having a baby but if it happens he is happy either way. I feel sad he may miss out on raising a child from birth and being a (biological) father.

What would you do? Would you have a 5th baby at 45? In reality what are the risks? Is it selfish of me to even think about another child?

Please be kind. I am looking for opinions.
Thinking about the future.

OP posts:
Redroses05 · 28/06/2020 22:06

It’s too old.

Mascotte · 28/06/2020 22:07

Too old imo.

Enjoy the dcs you have and some adult time when they are grown.

jessstan2 · 28/06/2020 22:07

Please don't!

1FootInTheRave · 28/06/2020 22:09

God no.

BigBadVoodooHat · 28/06/2020 22:10

He says he isn't concerned about having a baby but if it happens he is happy either way. I feel sad he may miss out on raising a child from birth and being a (biological) father.

You’re contemplating a fifth child, at the age of 45, because you feel he deserves a massive, life-changing experience that brings with it an immense degree of responsibility, commitment and expense, that he’s not actually that bothered about and that will massively impact upon seven lives?

No. Absolutely no.

Atthebottomofthegarden · 28/06/2020 22:13

No. Not unless he feels a LOT more strongly than “happy either way”.

Nellydean21 · 28/06/2020 22:14

What I'm finding remarkable about response is an overwhelming no. From myself too.

Yet a current and very full thread asking about the time to have children has been overwhelming in favour of as long as you can. In other words never too old.

What's going on?

In both threads I've given the same opinion.

LadyPrigsbottom · 28/06/2020 22:17

Nelly, for me the OP's age is not the main issue. It's the rest of it; she has four other dcs, her DP isn't fussed AND she would be an older mother. If she was an older mother in different circumstances, I think the responses may have been very different.

I think that might be why there are different responses on here compared to the other thread.

SunbathingDragon · 28/06/2020 22:18

@Nellydean21

What I'm finding remarkable about response is an overwhelming no. From myself too.

Yet a current and very full thread asking about the time to have children has been overwhelming in favour of as long as you can. In other words never too old.

What's going on?

In both threads I've given the same opinion.

If the OP was saying this was her first child, and her DP desperately wanted children as well, maybe the responses would be different. As it is, he is at best lukewarm and she already has four children. I’d be saying no if she was 25 in the described situation, let alone 45.
Honeyroar · 28/06/2020 22:21

Absolutely no.
You’ve a lot of children anyway. You’re too old. He’s not bothered. Why would you??

BigBadVoodooHat · 28/06/2020 22:21

Yet a current and very full thread asking about the time to have children has been overwhelming in favour of as long as you can. In other words never too old.

What's going on?

a) it’s feasible that different people with their own, different opinions are posting on the other thread, so the responses are not necessarily going to be a mass of homogeneity.

b) ‘wait to have children’ is not the same as ‘in other words, never too old’. Why would you think they mean the same thing?

c) starting a family later in life is not the same as having a fifth child with someone who seemingly doesn’t especially want a child, but you’ve decided they should have that experience.

Nellydean21 · 28/06/2020 22:21

But the other thread was never specifie about a first child. It was specifically about what age is too old. Sorry to derail but the differing responses are really remarkable. I think 45 is not without huge problems for the child, and think that anyone having a child over 45bis selfish.

spudlike1 · 28/06/2020 22:23

No for many reasons ...just no.

NeedToKnow101 · 28/06/2020 22:26

I really wouldn't do it. I think the risks are too great.

Raaaa · 28/06/2020 22:26

A 5th seems too many to me, my oh is one of 6 and it's completely a dysfunctional family. Your youngest is 9 so you're well out of the baby stage. Partner isn't that bothered. The risks would put me off completely and the large age gap

Tootletum · 28/06/2020 22:40

@Nellydean21 does that really make sense though? I mean I also think it's a bad idea, but how's it selfish to have sex and probably just assume you won't get pregnant if you make a mistake? Is it therefore less selfish to have an abortion?

notheragain4 · 28/06/2020 22:41

Too old and too many children IMO. Mostly the latter.

Turtletotem · 28/06/2020 22:43

I'm quite suprised how many people think it's unreasonable. I think if you're healthy and you both decide to give it a go then why not? I have 4 children with a 20 year age gap between my eldest and youngest and they have a really good relationship. My parenting and priorities changed as I grew older, there's always enough love to go round.

comedycentral · 28/06/2020 22:46

He's not that bothered. A baby won't solve whatever issue you are trying to fix here OP. I have no idea why you would be so keen if he's not.

thepeopleversuswork · 28/06/2020 22:46

Nellydean21

The other thread was about whether 40s is too old to have a baby in general terms.

The issue here isn't particularly age, its that the boyfriend has made it very clear he's at best lukewarm about it but the OP has convinced herself that he will be "sad" if he doesn't have his own biological child.

So the OP is considering adding a fifth child to her family, in her mid 40s, in what are likely to be difficult circumstances, with a partner who clearly doesn't have anything like the same interest in it.

If the OP had posted that they were both mid 40s and desperate to have their own child it might have been a very different set of responses, but this is not the case here.

Given the other fairly solid reasons not to have a baby (age, the fact that there are already four kids in the mix), having a partner who is less than committed makes it a very firm no.

GrumpyHoonMain · 28/06/2020 22:46

I think its fine but maybe start taking Pregnacare Max now while deciding so it can build up in your system. Also get a full work up by your GP - blood pressure / thyroid / vitamin d etc so you know what you’re working with so to speak.

willitbetonight · 28/06/2020 22:49

I'm 42 nearly 43 having my
5th. All same dad. There will be almost 12 years between my eldest and youngest. I fell pregnant naturally. I'm 38 weeks and no abnormalities have been identified.

In your position I don't think I would go through ivf but i wouldn't take active steps to prevent it either - if it happens, it happens surely. If you haven't gone through the menopause then your body is still capable of carrying a child. Yes you are more at risk of eg downs but you will also be screened and it is still generally a low risk. As your partner is younger this decreases the risk too. I have been researching my family tree recently and less than 100 years ago women were often having children well into their late 40's.

I think a lot depends on the demographic you live in. With my first (who I had at almost 31) I was definitely one of the younger mums when my daughter started in reception. She's privately educated now in secondary school and I am much (a decade) younger than most of her school friend's mums (although there are some my age too). One of my other children is in reception this year and there are plenty of mums that are more than 5 years older than me - but we live in an area where house prices are excessive so often it's older couples that can afford them. I won't feel different in our community but I can imagine if you live somewhere that people are adamant that after 32 is too old that you might feel awkward or a bit lonely. You'll also be so busy that you won't have time to think about it though!!

To be honest if you want and can afford a 5th child it is no ones business other than you and your partner (and to an extent your other children). Your partners wishes are very important in this sort of decision.

It's pointless asking on a forum such as this as you will just get people saying they think you are too old and that you are going to leave your child motherless and you will be too old to play with your child (wtf, generally coming from people happy to leave their children with their 60 something parents for free childcare).

Ironically my mum had me at 42 too. Her only child. She looked after my first born for me when I went back to work (she was nearly 73), driving, spritely and interesting. She potty trained her for me at just 2 and taught her to read and write. She did much more with my daughter (and had a closer bond) than my husbands mother ever did
despite her still being in her mid 50's when my daughter was born.

She was a brilliant mum to me too. Unfortunately she died last year, but I'm not the only 40 something that has lost their mother and she was firmly around for me well into adulthood.

Some people would be too old (either physically or mentally) to have a baby past 40. Others aren't.

GrumpyHoonMain · 28/06/2020 22:53

@willitbetonight - thank you, your post has given me hope as an older mum myself. Your mum sounded amazing.

hopsalong · 28/06/2020 22:55

I don't think you're being unreasonable to consider it, and I don't think it would be unreasonable to have another baby.

But almost certainly the choice has been made for you. Your chance of getting pregnant at 45 with a baby that sticks (even though you were when younger a very fertile person) is slim. It's not that you have a reasonable chance of getting pregnant and getting through the first trimester, but then a high chance of having a baby with genetic abnormalities. The risk is higher than when you were younger, but if you manage to have a baby, s/he will most likely be healthy. (History is full of geniuses conceived to elderly mothers! Bach and Brahms both had mothers in their 40s. T. S. Eliot's mother was 45.) So I think YANBU to give it a go, but should have very low expectations.

LovingLola · 28/06/2020 22:56

Its pointless asking on a forum such as this as you will just get people saying they think you are too old and that you are going to leave your child motherless and you will be too old to play with your child (wtf, generally coming from people happy to leave their children with their 60 something parents for free childcare).

The issue in this specific case is that her boyfriend doesn’t seem particularly to care whether or not they have a baby.

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