Page 5 | AIBU to consider having a 5th baby at 45?

Tinkerbellone · 2020-06-28T19:14:35+00:00

I'm with a lovely guy. He has no children. He's 35 I'm 45. We are financially comfortable. I have four children. Age 9-18. He's wonderful with the children. (Their dad isn't that bothered). He says he isn't concerned about having a baby but if it happens he is happy either way. I feel sad he may miss out on raising a child from birth and being a (biological) father. What would you do? Would you have a 5th baby at 45? In reality what are the risks? Is it selfish of me to even think about another child? Please be kind. I am looking for opinions. Thinking about the future.

Original poster

Tinkerbellone · 28/06/2020 23:01

Thanks for all your replies. It's given me food for thought. My initial thoughts were 'no' - but I thought it was worth considering and seeing what people's views are.
I'm not broody and I'm not projecting.
And if he doesn't want children he needs to find someone younger with a fresher womb lol xx

OP posts:

Baaaahhhhh · 28/06/2020 23:01

In my mind you have to think of them when they are your age, and also looking after you at 90. Would you have a baby whilst also looking after a 90 year old mum?

AHF1975 · 28/06/2020 23:20

It's actually really quite unusual to give birth in your late 40s. The likelihood of getting pregnant at age 45 is apparently no more than 4%. Women having IVF at this stage of life are most likely not using their own eggs as ivf success rates drop off massively once a woman hits her 40s. So you can consider it but......

Smallsteps88 · 28/06/2020 23:23

He says he isn't concerned about having a baby

For this reason alone you shouldn’t have a baby with him.

Please please understand exactly what he is saying here.

(Also 4 is enough for anyone)

Gexx · 28/06/2020 23:34

My mum was 43 when she had my sister and i was the youngest at the time I was 16 my brother 20! She was in a similar situation step dad was younger & never had kids said he understood it was an option for my mum and knew she couldn’t as after my mum had me she had her ‘tubes tied’ to not have anymore and then she fell pregnant (not intentionally at all) a little miracle baby it was a very hard & a complicated pregnancy with lots of ups and downs but the best thing she has ever done and couldn’t imagine life before my sister she was very premature but is a happy healthy ‘mouthy’ 9 year old now. I think do what is right for you it’s a risk but if you think it is a risk worth taking then go for it!

Gexx · 28/06/2020 23:35

@Gexx

My mum was 43 when she had my sister and i was the youngest at the time I was 16 my brother 20! She was in a similar situation step dad was younger & never had kids said he understood it was an option for my mum and knew she couldn’t as after my mum had me she had her ‘tubes tied’ to not have anymore and then she fell pregnant (not intentionally at all) a little miracle baby it was a very hard & a complicated pregnancy with lots of ups and downs but the best thing she has ever done and couldn’t imagine life before my sister she was very premature but is a happy healthy ‘mouthy’ 9 year old now. I think do what is right for you it’s a risk but if you think it is a risk worth taking then go for it!

‘It wasn’t an option’

Creamcar · 28/06/2020 23:50

I’m 48, and recently conceived naturally. However I miscarried almost straight away. I think your chances of carrying a baby to term are slim. Sorry.

Namechange8471 · 28/06/2020 23:55

Sorry if I’m barking up the wrong tree here op but....
Are you thinking he might leave you if you don’t have his baby?
As in a few years he might change his mind, and it would be very difficult for you to fall pregnant.
It comes across as he’s not bothered “now”, however maybe you need a more concrete answer?
Also 4 kids is a lot! I wouldn’t bother having anymore personally.

BigBadVoodooHat · 28/06/2020 23:56

And if he doesn't want children he needs to find someone younger with a fresher womb winklol xx

Why? If he doesn’t want children he doesn't need someone with any particular sort of womb whatsoever

Smallsteps88 · 29/06/2020 00:24

It comes across as he’s not bothered “now”, however maybe you need a more concrete answer?

“Not bothered” is a very concrete answer when it comes to having a child.

Bouledeneige · 29/06/2020 00:51

With my first child at 38 the risks of having a child with a birth defect was 1:12,000. With my second at 38 it was 1:250. The risks are high. ,

And maybe your existing children deserve your undivided attention given that they have already been through a divorce and a new man turning up on the seen. Giving someone a baby is not just a random gift you give someone so they don't feel left out. Given he doesn't sound that bothered I would've thought 4 children was more enough to contend with. Why not enjoy the family you already have to the fullest. Otherwise you'll be 63 before the last one is out of school !

Mummyshark2019 · 29/06/2020 00:54

Nope. I wouldn't do it.

TimeWastingButFun · 29/06/2020 01:08

Not sure about that! I only have two, but between myself and my husband we have 4. The older two are now in their 30s and the younger two in years 5 and 7. We've already helped two through uni and onto the property ladder and have it all to come again x2. Plus the time. The older two need lots of help renovating their houses and we are doing all the usual stuff with the younger ones - activities, school runs (well home schooling at the moment) etc so life is very very busy. Babies are absolutely wonderful but require most of your time so I'm enjoying our lot for now and will enjoy the babyhood years again as a grandmother.

Guineapigbridge · 29/06/2020 04:28

No way!
YABU.

GinDrinker00 · 29/06/2020 07:33

YABU. When they’re a teenager you’ll be in your 60s! Really selfish thing to do having kids that late in life.

Grobagsforever · 29/06/2020 08:01

It feels like you are trying to secure the relationship with a child. Please don't do this

pigeon999 · 29/06/2020 08:03

I am 45 and I would say absolutely no way!

Why because he could leave you, there are not guarantees and raising babies at this age is no walk in the park even if your pregnancy is straight forward and the child is healthy.

Your body is older and will suffer, already after four babies it takes a massive toll.

You will be 60 plus and still doing the school run and looking after school aged children, ferrying them around and you will be exhausted. I am doing that now, and I am very very tired. Managing teens as a pensioner will be hellish.

The risks are just too high, and it will be unfair on the child.

Pebblexox · 29/06/2020 08:35

Yabu.
Being an older mum isn't necessarily a problem, however you've said your partner isn't bothered. I've found when a guy isn't bothered one way or another about being a dad, it usually shows in how he parents. Are you willing to carry the load of a newborn on your own if he decides he isn't bothered when they're born? Be happy with your 4 children, your partner and the life you have.

Fr0thandBubble · 29/06/2020 08:41

I think YABU and that it would be very selfish. Not just in terms of the impact on your current children but in terms of the environment too. The Earth does not need people having 5 children.

Jennifer2r · 29/06/2020 08:55

I'm not that bothered about having children and I'd be annoyed if someone got pregnant because they were sad that I might miss out!

zingally · 29/06/2020 09:47

No, it's not selfish OP. But there's a lot to consider.

It may be a real struggle to get pregnant without help at 45. Would you be willing to go through the stress and cost of that? How would it impact on DP and the other children?

DP gives the impression he isn't really bothered either way... So unless he actively uses his words in a different way, I'm maybe just let nature decide yay or nay.

There are additional risks to the baby at that age. Would you be prepared/willing to care for a special needs child? Would you consider an abortion if the baby was found to have severe problems? How would DP feel about that?

You'd be the 50 year old mum in the playground when the kiddy starts school. You won't have much in common with the other mums, beyond the children. And you'll be into your 70s more likely than not, before your child is a fully independent person.

Do you really feel able to do the newborn thing again? Your current youngest could easily be 10 or 11 before baby comes, that's a big age difference, and long enough to forget how difficult those early years are!

OP, I absolutely wouldn't say "don't do it", but there is a HUGE amount to consider, beyond "it would be nice for DP to raise a biological child." ESPECIALLY when he's not fussed either way.

Chaaaaaching · 29/06/2020 09:55

I’d assume that if he wanted children he’d be with someone his own age.

ShebaShimmyShake · 29/06/2020 09:58

If he really isn't bothered then I don't think you need to be.

I don't mean to sound unkind or insulting, but men who meet a woman with whom they do want children don't seem to have much trouble jacking in what they've got to go and do it. So given the situation, I'd say don't do it (he isn't fussed!) and maintain your independence as you never know what might happen in the future. I'm certainly not saying your partner will definitely up and leave to have kids with someone else, I'm just saying a lot of the same stories get played out over many many different lives. Given your circumstances - you already have four kids, you're 45, he's not bothered about children and you surely know it's a bad idea to have them if you don't really want them - I can't see a good reason to take this particular risk. Who would you be doing it for?

Buttonsorbows · 29/06/2020 10:07

With 4 children already there's. no way I'd be considering number 5.

Happymum12345 · 29/06/2020 10:10

It really is a very personal decision & only the two of you can answer can decide.