AIBU to find new partner’s description of his mother annoying?

[Cluehorn]

When we first met a few months before lockdown he described her as an artist and his father as a businessman.

Fair enough it turns out his father owns a shop that sells odds and ends.

But his mother doesn’t actually have a skill as an artist. Apparently she is a deep thinker but doesn’t have a conventional outlet for her artistry other than her thoughts. Secretly I find much of her conversation deeply boring self indulgence but she is basically a nice person so I just went along with it at gatherings and thanked god when she moved on to someone else.

Other than his blindness towards his mother’s “artistry” he is a lovely man. So she must have done something very right in raising him. I don’t know why it annoys me so much.

How does he describe himself? Is it accurate?

When I read your post, it reminded me of the NPD neighbour. He describes himself on a bio blurb as an artist and Builder. He has told his wife his brother is also a Builder. He is not either. She is clueless and stays out of ''men's business''.

I would run for the hills if your fellow has similar tendencies of grandeur where none exist.

I used to have a flatmate that called herself a doctor, used Dr. as a title on all correspondence etc.
She was actually a trainee chiropractor.

It really pissed me off.

So, go on calling a spade a spade.

This would bother me as well actually.

I'd be concerned about a lack of critical thinking (ie is he just very gullible and takes everything at face value) or is he prone to embellishing / lying about everything (eg is what he says about his own job true?).

To those people he says it doesn't matter, well it does matter if you're going to spend the rest of your life with someone.

It may also suggest a very dysfunctional relationship with his parents, and having had issues with my own husband which partly stem from his relationship with his parents I wouldn't want this again.

I'm with the OP on this one. I wouldn't have much patience with all this nonsense and I know that eventually I couldn't keep my mouth shut about it, either.

@Turin

I am a domestic artist...

Reminds me how terribly pretentious my ex in laws were. If they were cooking spaghetti they’d proudly declare “cooking Italian tonight!” Or if it was enchiladas it was “just doing a Mexican” (out of a packet). Really got on my baps.

I’d be very wary of a relationship with this man.

It’s one thing to say somebody is “artistic” or “creative” - those are personality traits or qualities.

But “artist” is a job title. They’re describing her as though she actually does something that she does not do, while apparently ignoring signs of depression or something else.

It’s all very strange, and I wouldn’t want to get enmeshed in it.

Imagine a play date in the future - your children and their friends are painting while you have a coffee with the other mum. Your child proudly says “my grandma is an artist!” and then you have to explain to the other mum that “er, no, she doesn’t paint...no, not sculpture....um, well, she spends a lot of time lying in bed and thinking artistic things....”

You’ll sound like a loon, your children will either learn to go along with weird distorted lies, or they’ll learn that grandma and daddy are both liars.

None of this ends well!

If it’s only been a few months I’d get out now.

My SIL calls herself a medical doctor. Up until recently my DB did too. She is not a doctor. Has no PhD. Weird, weird, weird

Weird indeed anxietyaunt. Why does she do that?

This would irk me, mainly because if my partner displayed such a lack of ability to think critically and see the truth, I’d know we weren’t compatible. I’m not one for indulging other people’s nonsensical bullshit.

It sounds like it is easier to believe she was artistic rather than remembering she avoided him as a DC in bed creatively thinking counting sheep
Poor sod in his defence he is probably use to being manipulated by her it is hard to work out the dynamics as a DC.
I believe for years DM heated our underwear before school on the cooker, now I know she pulled them wet from the washing machine minutes before we left. I loved her so much but she was disastrously disorganised and also spent time creatively thinking in bed.
You don't see it when you live it.

@CandidaAlbicans2

My SIL calls herself a medical doctor. Up until recently my DB did too. She is not a doctor. Has no PhD. Weird, weird, weird

Weird indeed anxietyaunt. Why does she do that?

Massive ego. No one’s challenged her. She works in healing and honestly believes she knows everything about medicine. I’ve also met a woman who told me she was a nurse, only to find out she made hospital beds. Can’t remember what her actual title was but far from being a nurse. I’m neither a nurse nor a doctor but I would imagine I’d be pretty pissed off about these sorts of people.

@GilbertMarkham

You are hilarious.
Your post has me in stiches...many thanks🤣🤣🤣

@Cluehorn is she a piss artist OP? No, in all seriousness, I asked up thread if she has an artistic past? Is there any physical evidence of actual art be it drawings/painting/pottery/writing/music ?

I asked up thread if she has an artistic past? Is there any physical evidence of actual art be it drawings/painting/pottery/writing/music ?

They are the sort of family that proudly displays achievements and photos around the house for example sporting events, local bake offs and exotic holidays etc. So I would imagine I would have heard all about past artistic pursuits by now. I know she enjoys gardening and her hobbies include visiting historical buildings of importance.

I think I am being a bit unkind in retrospect. So what is she identifies as an artist. Goodness knows it could be worse.

How could it be worse? She could be a self-important pretentious liar who has somehow suckered her whole family into supporting the lie?

But “artist” is a job title. It may come over as pretentious but it's more a way of seeing. IMO hopefully that way of seeing then influences making, but there's plenty of people around me who don't seem too keen on the making end.
As an actual "job title" I think it would be a 'practicing artist,' but normally it would be sculptor, video artist, multi media, or multi disciplinary artist etc, but you'd just say artist outside of the art world.

It's taken me some time but I now would view it the same way that someone who trained as an actor can claim to be an actor a decade later while still 'resting,' ie waiting tables/bar work etc. It costs me nothing to smile and nod.

‘Artistry’ ha ha ha ha

I write long shitty rambling stories for myself sometimes, I suppose I should start calling myself an author. I might be writing utter rubbish but at least I'm producing something. Surely you have to do more than think and talk to be an artist? They sound odd, op, this would bother me. I'd always be on edge waiting for the next weirdness.

OP, a similar situation was the first massive red flag (unnoticed at the time) in my marriage, only my ex- MIL was an "author".
I wrote it off as charming and innocent, but really it wasn't, it was covering up a very, very bad childhood. It ended up with my exH accusing me, without any reason or evidence whatsoever, in the family court of all things that his mother actually WAS - to "save" the children from me.

My SIL calls herself a medical doctor. Up until recently my DB did too. She is not a doctor. Has no PhD. Weird, weird, weird
Isn't it a criminal offence, to style yourself a doctor when you aren't one?
I know this as one of my good friends is a vet and I know there has been some sort of a landmark judgment recently which allowed vets to officially call themselves Dr. So-and-so. And apparently the profession is still very divided on the matter

Bumping this out of sheer unfulfilled nosiness...

If she is irritating you at this point how do you think it will be if you had kids/ exhausted and her on your plate. Quit now she sounds painful.

Are you a little disappointed, OP.

Did you think that you were going to become involved with a sort of Charleston type family -artistic yet monied-spending evenings in an oak panelled room, chatting about art and discreetly free of any money worries.

And now you find mum has never exhibited a painting

and dad is a Ronnie Barker 'Open all Hours' type figure.

They sound like a bog standard family and maybe you wanted something a touch more romantic.

Yes, it does sound strange, but I’m in the “it’s lovely that he thinks so highly of his mum” camp.

I think most (maybe all?) families have these conceptions of themselves that don’t necessarily match up with how “outsiders” see them. For example, my FIL likes to harp on about what an extraordinarily harmonious family they are, and that DH and his sister NEVER argued, even as children. I love them all dearly, but they’re the most passive-aggressive bunch I’ve ever met! After 20 years of knowing them I occasionally wish they’d have a big Eastenders-style slanging match just to clear the air. I’m sure DH could find a similar dissonance between how my side of the families perceives itself and what he sees.

They all sound like complete loonytunes