AIBU to find new partner’s description of his mother annoying?

[Cluehorn]

When we first met a few months before lockdown he described her as an artist and his father as a businessman.

Fair enough it turns out his father owns a shop that sells odds and ends.

But his mother doesn’t actually have a skill as an artist. Apparently she is a deep thinker but doesn’t have a conventional outlet for her artistry other than her thoughts. Secretly I find much of her conversation deeply boring self indulgence but she is basically a nice person so I just went along with it at gatherings and thanked god when she moved on to someone else.

Other than his blindness towards his mother’s “artistry” he is a lovely man. So she must have done something very right in raising him. I don’t know why it annoys me so much.

Sounds like he might be a bit of an exaggerator and a mummies boy to boot

It would do my noodle in

Why does it both you so much? I think its nice.

I would be annoyed by this because to me she would be either a fraud and/or someone who doesn’t acknowledge what it is to be an artist. She may well have MH issues or she may just be a failed artist who hides behind her imagination. And her son has bought into it.

His father does own a business so he is a businessman. If his mom says she's an artist, it doesn't matter if she sells any artwork or poetry or whatever. Van Gogh sold one painting in his lifetime. He's nicely describing his mom's aspirations the way she views them. Plus, for all I know, maybe she does performance art in private so there's nothing tangible to show?

What a load of pretentious bull 😂
Deep thinker, spending days in bed screams MH issues to me not artistry.

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov

I'm not sure what the definition of business man is if owning your own business doesn't qualify?

I'd have compassion for him, at best he's just bigging her up due to insecurities. At worst he's excusing her abuse, and will take a while to work it through.

Businessman usually implies a larger, commercially successful business - often with multiple arms to the business and/or large plant. Just like "artist" implies more than in one's own opinion deep thoughts, or some glued icecream sticks decorated with felt pen or glitter.

So he's proud of his parents and respects what they do - where is the problem OP?

@NancyPickford

Does she have any outlet these day for her artistic leanings? Does she write, draw, create anything? Just wondering what is preventing her from pursuing her artistic nature.

With people like her there is usually an “If only......” why they have never succeeded.

@PicsInRed no.. surely what you’ve described is a very successful businessman and a successful artist!

"He gets agitated if I dare to question her artistic temperament. He excuses her spending days in bed thinking when he was a child as part of her artistic mind. He was sent over to spend time at his best friend’s when she had an episode of creativity. Me, well I think perhaps she had some sort of MH issues that weren’t properly supported. And maybe continues not to be."

Well! That's a whole different ball game from 'my mother is an artist', isn't it? And now I don't think I'd be annoyed about it, but downright wary. Like you , I think it sounds more like health issues, most likely mental, maybe physical. Definitely unacknowledged, probably unaddressed, maybe untreated. And her son was lied to 'to protect him, we didn't want him to worry about his mum', but as an adult looking back with an adult gaze - surely he can see that something was going on then, and it wasn't an "episode of creativity"?

So he's still in denial, able to compose a narrative for himself to explain away all those niggling little facts and memories that don't quite fit. I'm not sure I'd want to take that on personally, and if I was still in the early days of a relationship with this man, I think I'd be backing off.

He has been brought up being told this probably his entire life... you are dismantling his childhood memory/learning & his DM's parenting by suggesting it is all BS & even possibly MH issues. Go gently OP....it is harsh criticism even if it is true.

It would make me uneasy too. He hasn’t figured out that his dm had MH issues or that he was neglected to some extent as a child. Assuming that he’s of normal intelligence, I would assume that he’s unconsciously protecting himself from a lot of psychological pain.

It’s not your place to make him face up to it, but it’s likely to cause issues in the future. Having children of your own can bring enormous clarity.

He’s been gaslighted. Very effectively. And his reaction to your probing about his dm is to protect his own fragile reality. This kind of family dynamic is so clear to an outsider but can be really hard to recognise when you’re living it.

I guess he was trying to impress you. Not the worst trait in a partner..

How often do you/he discuss who/what his mother does?
It's not as if he's claimed something really specific (ie his Mum is a world famous brain surgeon or the prime minister).

Ignore it - or get to know his mother better and try and understand what is behind the apparent fantasy - what sort of art does she enjoy/want to practice, what is stopping her?

If this was the early to mid twentieth century I could absolutely see a woman taking to her bed with depression or another mental health problem being put down to ‘nerves’ or ‘being highly strung’ and it blamed on having an artistic temperament, to make it more acceptable. Could it be that this was how it was described to him as a child, and that she’s continued the same way since, with an undiagnosed mental health problem and a reputation for being a bit fey?

A shop is a business.

Mm the self description as an artist. Yes it would probably irk me too but I'm not that nice. Any decent artist I know plays the 'artist' description down and says 'oh it's just a pastime' meanwhile selling them for £1000s.

I can see it might be a worry if he repeats this quirk with regard to his own career and prospects. If you decide to buy a house together and he drags you around £5 million houses - only to finally admit he may have to borrow £10 thousand from his dad as his contribution to a deposit.

she's a dreamer and been indulged all her life....now mummy's boy is carrying it on and believing in the whole drama

i'd escape now if i were you op, you will be forever annoyed by this if not

Yeah I hear you. There’s fantasy and bullshitting involved here. I would be irritated and a bit put off too. It’s a bit delusional.

And your description of his being sent away during ‘episodes of creativity’ could fit with a manic episode in someone with bipolar or similar.

Based on what you've said here, it sounds like she has had MH issues throughout her life. Perhaps it was presented in this manner to DP by his own dad, to 'cover' for his wife's issues while DP was farmed out to others for care during the times she couldn't care for him herself. And the 'cover' has stuck. If this could be the case, let it go.

PicsInRed

Your last post sums it up for me.

Why big things up? I’m not going to think more or less about him and his family either way so long as they seems good decent folk as much as I know them so far. But I do mind if there is delusional thinking in the family because that is a potential red flag. I grew up on a pretty tough council estate and I live in the real world.

Hmmm... I'm not sure....on the one hand he sounds nice and kind about his mum but on the other hand there could be some aggrandisement and delusion. Maybe she is a conceptual artist and has a lot of concepts in her head! Do artists have to actually produce a physical object? Probably??

It's early days for your relationship. Tread carefully!

He excuses her spending days in bed thinking when he was a child as part of her artistic mind. He was sent over to spend time at his best friend’s when she had an episode of creativity.

Sounds like bipolar/manic depression.
It has a genetic element and can come on later.
The family appear to be in denial and your partner isn't fully in touch with reality.

I would reconsider this, OP.

Does dp regard you with the same respect and admiration?
If yes, great. If no, run!

Oh and never give up a good job for marriage and kids, have both.