AIBU to find new partner’s description of his mother annoying?

[Cluehorn]

When we first met a few months before lockdown he described her as an artist and his father as a businessman.

Fair enough it turns out his father owns a shop that sells odds and ends.

But his mother doesn’t actually have a skill as an artist. Apparently she is a deep thinker but doesn’t have a conventional outlet for her artistry other than her thoughts. Secretly I find much of her conversation deeply boring self indulgence but she is basically a nice person so I just went along with it at gatherings and thanked god when she moved on to someone else.

Other than his blindness towards his mother’s “artistry” he is a lovely man. So she must have done something very right in raising him. I don’t know why it annoys me so much.

He is ashamed of his Mother .. and has made up a whimsical career rather than say she's a housewife...

what a TWAT

My ex's family are delusional too. It's genuinely one of the reasons I ended my marriage because I just couldn't live with their inability to call each other out on bullshit, they'd all just go along with it! I found myself less and less tolerant to it as the years went on.

@Pannacottaformeplease

It sounds like absolute pretentious bollocks to me. An artist with no artistic skills? She might as well be an ice-cream man with no ice-cream.

All paintbrush, no canvas. 😂

I imagine your new bf knows his mother far better than you do.

You've barely known him a few months; or hias mother. It's quite possible that she regards her creative work as private and just doesn't show or talk about it to people she doesn't know very well. Just like many writers, poets etc

If it mum says she’s an artist, then to all intents and purposes she’s an artist, presumably he just loves her and he’s happy to go along with it. If she has mh problems, maybe understanding herself to be artistic, has helped her cope. I think it’s nice that he speaks so lovingly of her.
Unless there’s a pattern of other ‘delusional’ thinking, then it’s just a family quirk and not a particularly bad one.
Maybe you could balance each other out - salt of the Earth type, spade a spade etc.. opposed to his more sensitive artistic temperament.

He is ashamed of his Mother .. and has made up a whimsical career rather than say she's a housewife...

No I don’t think this is it

Everyone in his family acknowledges that her best life was lived being a mother and now grandmother.

But they also operate under the delusion idea that she is an artist on par with the great philosophers. That’s what makes me wince

Eugene O Neill's Long Day's Journey Into Night is on Radio 3 at the moment ...

I thought philosophy was a science. At least in ancient times.

I don't understand why you're getting a bashing on this OP. You've posted for a reason, and never ignore your spidey-senses when you think something is a bit "off".

If they says she was philosophical/a philosopher, that would kind of make sense of the sending your partner away as a child for days whilst she 'thought deep thoughts' in bed. As an artist.... don't see how that works.

Like PP have said, to be an artist you have to produce something, even if you don't sell it. Have you ever seen any of her 'artwork' Or asked to? If she/the family can't show anything she's created I have to say I'm in agreement in a lot of the PP that this has all the hallmarks of a mental health issue that has been dressed up or disguised to save face and protect your partner.

He's getting defensive because your questioning is probably making him realise that being sent away as a child so his mother can 'stay in bed thinking for days on end' isn't normal, and he may be either questioning what he's always been told but panicking about it or he is in denial. Either way, one to tread carefully with and give some thought to.

Show a polite, enthusiastic interest in his mother's 'artistry' by asking to see her work and see what the response is. You'll be able to gauge what's actually going on based on their reaction.

I’d think this is a real warning sign OP.

I have an aunt like this. She’s an ‘artist’ yet produces nothing despite being a millionaire, not working and having no children.

She’s absolutely full of her own self-importance and anyone who won’t collude with this narrative is attacked (verbally).

It’s fucking exhausting which is why I cut her out.

This is so strange. I was raised on a council estate until my very hard working parents bought a house when I was 10. I now live a middle class life but I'll always be working class really.

I also can't stand pretentious bullshit and I think I would react like you op but I probably wouldn't let on.

I want to know the substance of her art. Artist in what way.

OP,

I don't think you sound in the least judgy.

You are getting to know this guy and while he seems like a nice fellow, you are getting and odd feeling.

From what you have written so would I.

He certainly sounds in denial about his childhood and there appears to be collusion in the family on that front within the family.

Either way, proceed with care.

Marrying someone who has a completely false memory of what their childhood was like would concern me.

Particularly his agitation regarding it.

People who misrepresent the truth freak me out - my mother always made up weird lies to cover up the truth and it was unsettling to say the least. I didn't realise as a child that that's what was happening but I learned to recognise the discrepancies between the narrative and reality, and how her tone/body language changed when she did it. It has left me with no capacity at all to accept such weirdness in other people (apart from saying "Ah, you're a cat? Right, cool ".

Tread carefully with this one, it won't improve without an initial ripping off of the plaster....

It’s possibly more accurate to say she identifies as an artist.

That would be a red flag for me too. I went out with someone once who exaggerated his parents' professions. His dad was a taxi driver and he said he was a counsellor

Anyway, he turned out to be a bullshitter on other fronts.

I wouldn't walk on that basis alone but it'd make me wary.

YABU

Why does it matter to you?!

My DM describes me as 'artistic' because I do a bit of creative writing. I am also a mother and work FT as a Test Analyst 🤷🏼‍♀️

That sounds weird, it's all a bit emperor's new clothes isn't! Either they all genuinely all self deluded en mass or no one wants to be the one to call it out and get a rising which is very path of least resistance. I would hate that.
Sounds icky at the least, possible show stopper. 😬

Are you absolutely certain that his mother does not actually produce any work in any form, though? I mean, there have been artists in all media who never exhibited/published or were secretive about their work.

Two options - she's a pretentious weirdo and he goes along with it for some reason, or she does have real MH issues.

If the former - which seems likely as you have met her a number of times and she was clearly acting the part - then both she and he are very peculiar! Whoever does 'thought' art......?

If the latter, that's very sad and I hope she can get help, even this late.

But either way it sounds as though he must have had a very screwed up childhood, and it could have implications for your relationship as things develop. I'm not sure I could cope with the 'my mum is an artist' line though. (Although as PPs have said, I am judgemental and possibly a bit mean...... You're probably a much nicer person).

Blimey just LTB.

That’s some serious family dysfunction, most important aspect being that he doesn’t recognise the dysfunction and is telling himself (and you) fairy stories. It’ll get worse.

Why does it matter to you?!

Because she's looking to meet a partner for future possible marriage and children??

And maybe she shouldn't pursue things further with someone whose close family members,the main one who raised him in fact, is a space-cadet, possibly has MH issues, and he's completely involved in her delusions.

If someone told me their relative was an artist, or the relative told me they were an artist - and they failed to produce the slightest evidence that they were in fact an artist - I'd think they were a bullshit artist.

You don't want to breed with crazy.

My SIL calls herself a medical doctor. Up until recently my DB did too. She is not a doctor. Has no PhD. Weird, weird, weird.

However, DB is an artist. He hasn’t worked on anything in years and years, but having grown up with him I know he is an artist and has won awards/held exhibitions etc etc. This is never mentioned because everyone’s been too busy listening to “Dr” SIL give unsolicited and frankly dangerous medical advice.

Are you sure your MIL doesn’t have an artistic past, OP? Do art classes? Etc etc?

SIL is an artist. Well actually she has bipolar, but as an artist who produces no artistic output, she is much too busy to try to find a job, or to move out of the family home. It is a protective mechanism for her, so she doesn’t have to admit that her MH has prevented her from doing anything with her life. The rest of the family colludes with it for the sake of her MH, to be kind.

DH also thinks (deceased) MIL was an unrecognised artistic genius. Again, no evidence of this (I knew her for twenty years before she died, lovely woman but didn’t create anything). The whole family are “creative”, and it is just assumed that whatever else they do with their lives they are all great artists underneath.

It has actually fucked DH up - he’s very successful in his career, we are good financially, lovely friends and beautiful DS, but because he isn’t a successful writer, musician or artist he genuinely feels like a failure as a person.

And maybe she shouldn't pursue things further with someone whose close family members,the main one who raised him in fact, is a space-cadet, possibly has MH issues

You don't want to breed with crazy

Fabulous diagnosis Gilbert Markham you must be highly qualified in the medical field. Who knew that having mental health issues = "crazy" & "you don't want to breed with them"🙄.

You've based your "medical diagnosis" on the internet posts of a woman who's been with a man for just a few months. Great.

This sounds a bit bonkers and I’d be too