AIBU to find new partner’s description of his mother annoying?

[Cluehorn]

When we first met a few months before lockdown he described her as an artist and his father as a businessman.

Fair enough it turns out his father owns a shop that sells odds and ends.

But his mother doesn’t actually have a skill as an artist. Apparently she is a deep thinker but doesn’t have a conventional outlet for her artistry other than her thoughts. Secretly I find much of her conversation deeply boring self indulgence but she is basically a nice person so I just went along with it at gatherings and thanked god when she moved on to someone else.

Other than his blindness towards his mother’s “artistry” he is a lovely man. So she must have done something very right in raising him. I don’t know why it annoys me so much.

I couldn't be doing with it. "Mum's into philosophy/ a bit philosophical" maybe. But I would expect there to be something written down / a lecture given - something actually produced - before any other sort of label was apt. Just thinking wouldn't cut it. I mean there's conceptual art...but even then there's an end product.
Tongue-in-cheek...plenty of Art has been made featuring people sitting around or filmed sleeping (I think Warhol, and Sam Taylor Wood showed David Beckham sleeping) but I get that's not the type of art your DP's mum was doing. Unless she is a performance artist...
So yes, it would piss me off. Possibly very unreasonably but still. And I would think twice about a DP who went along with it.

I think it would amuse me rather than annoy me, but you're rather sneery about his father's business too, so what exactly did you hope for in your boyfriend's parents?

If you feel BF has misled you, that's another thing altogether

I'd be wary.

I found out recently that something I believed very firmly was actually blatant lies. I overheard family telling the same lies over and over again to others when I was a child and believed it.

I feel foolish for never suspecting it was all made up boasting to impress people. I now wonder now much of what I believe I know is actually true.

What PicsInRed said

You're not a very nice person.
Have you seen her art.

And anyway who are you to judge.

He should dump you and your sanctimonious suburban small minded crap.

I think it would amuse me rather than annoy me, but you're rather sneery about his father's business too, so what exactly did you hope for in your boyfriend's parents?

I’m sorry if I came across sneery. If you knew me you’d know that one thing I admire the most in people is making the most of opportunities. I grew up dirt poor and worked bloody hard to get to where I am. But I call a spade a spade, not a cupped implement to ease soil out of the earth.

I am an artist. A piss artist. All of us are artists in some way.

He sounds nice. You sound a bit judgy. Lighten up.

I used to be quite tolerant of people who were slight fantasists in a “what harm does it do?” kind of way.

As I’ve got older, I realise it’s a social red flag and indicative of bigger problems down the line.

The trouble isn’t what the partners parents do or don’t do - it’s the OP being forced to buy into this fantasy.

I think people are really misread on you here OP.

You aren’t judging or being suburban - you scent bullshit and delusion.

If he’s an adult who hasn’t processed the complex layered situation of a mother who stayed in bed and ignored him, swallowing the ‘artist’ angle wholesale - I’d feel alarmed that he was too enmeshed in his fucked up family dynamic to be a truly viable partner.

Disclaimer: I have a fucked up family dynamic and so does my DH. We talk it through and try to process it and become more conscious as we go. That’s part
of adulthood.

Why does it matter. My Dh says his mum is a fantastic cook, she's not she cooks meat & veg until it's grey, but who am I to piss on his chips. Happily go for dinner & agree it was delicious because I love them both &,don't want to be a dick

I think your problem actually is a lack of respect for your partner OP. You have only just met him, know fck all really about the family, his past, the dynamics and you are being rude about his mother to him. I am surprised he is still with you. My mother was similar to his and it was fundamentally neglect but I'd get to know someone well before opening up to them and if I met you it would be never, I would judge you for being too intrusive too quickly and rude and thinking you knew it all and I would run for the hills frankly! Like a pp has said stop pssing on his chips and being a dick!

You aren’t judging or being suburban hmmgrin - you scent bullshit and delusion.

Thank you AtrociousCircimstances. The “suburban” accusation was both bizarre and funny! If you met me you’d realise why!

Maybe she just identifies as an artist and you have to do the politically correct thing so you don't misoccupation her?

I seriously ought not to eat when I read mumsnet! Nearly had a cherry stone go down the wrong way!

I think what irks me is that he seems to genuinely believe that she is an undiscovered talent had it not been for her life’s circumstances

Like if I were born to an undiscovered Amazonian tribe but was in fact the world’s greatest snowboarder?

Aw op I get totally what you mean and don’t think you’re a horrible person. It would get on my wick too but I don’t think it would get in the way of my feelings for dp. Just humour him. It’s possible it comes from a place a insecurity

I think you’re overdoing the blunt-speaking ‘salt of the earth’ angle, OP. There’s nothing any more or less ‘real’ about growing up on a council estate than there is to growing up in a middle-class family with an unhappy parent with possible MH issues unacknowledged by the family.

You don’t have to engage with his version of his family dynamic if you don’t want to. I’m a lot less forgiving of my PILs’ behaviour towards my DH as a child than he is, for instance.

I had a good friend at uni who described her mother as an environmentalist, nutritionist etc what she really was was a hippie who had kids with a very very rich man who earned a lot of money so she could afford to tinker in her garden growing organic veg and saying that’s how you should raise your kids to other rich friends who paid her to come round and show them how to grow veg and meditate. My friend was lovely but I did have to bite my tongue when she would talk about how hard her mum worked for them to have a healthy upbringing, appreciate good food etc etc when I had two parents working frontline NHS meaning I was often making my own tea at night ! That’s my own perspective on her situation and you might be doing the same with your boyfriend but try to see him for his own merits and just be nice and it will all work out

I hear ya OP.

It’s an interesting dynamic this folie a trois (or more I’d there are further siblings).

It’s very 50s to describe mental illness in this way, and it’s interesting that in adulthood he’s still maintaining the narrative.

Good case study not good partner material.

I think you’re overdoing the blunt-speaking ‘salt of the earth’ angle, OP. There’s nothing any more or less ‘real’ about growing up on a council estate than there is to growing up in a middle-class family with an unhappy parent with possible MH issues unacknowledged by the family.

Eh?! What a bizarre assumption. He is definitely not middle classed nor pretends to be!

Like a pp has said stop p*ssing on his chips and being a dick!

Shit advice. And partly why women on here end up in woeful relationships. They don’t question or speak out about fundamental emotional problems.

Given the delusional narrative in this family, it’s important to tread carefully.

I feel sorry for the guy and the implications for his childhood. But his not acknowledging the issue in adulthood is problematic.

It’s all just a bit pretentious isn’t it? I’m sure they are lovely people but why not just say what they really do instead of bullying up what they do, unless he’s secretly ashamed which makes him a twat.

Shit advice. And partly why women on here end up in woeful relationships. They don’t question or speak out about fundamental emotional problems I wasn't giving advice and I agree that the relationship sounds woeful, for them both. If she felt the need to speak out about fundamental emotional problems in the first few months as you say, she is probably either with the wrong person or she needs help with relationships or both. My brilliant advice is that she should not be rude about his mother but should finish with him if he doesn't finish with her.

Maybe she used to be OP - you know, she has a past ?

It sounds like absolute pretentious bollocks to me. An artist with no artistic skills? She might as well be an ice-cream man with no ice-cream.

@Nellydean21

Is she Bansky?

That made me laugh so much!!!!

Why on earth do you give a shit?