To refuse to be on demand childcare for DP’s hobby?

[Sunflower20170]

Inspired by another hobby related thread I’ve just read on here, I would appreciate any views on this situation.

DP has a hobby he does (sports and outdoors usually) and it’s only possible to do it in the summer. He already does it once a week indoors for one evening, but does it more in the summer time.

He has told me in no uncertain terms, that whenever the weather is nice he will be doing this hobby. It starts around 3-4pm and lasts until the evening, so conveniently means he would fuck off right when DC finish school, and not return until after they have gone to bed. He makes a point of the fact he was doing this hobby before he met me or we had DC, and that it isn’t a hobby, it’s an essential part of his lifestyle

I objected to this and asked him why he expected me to be available 24/7 for if he fancies to go and do said hobby on a nice day. He then went on to say that if it was nice weather a few days in a row, he would definitely go a few days in a row, leaving me trapped into childcare duties every time the weather is nice

AIBU to think he is being COMPLETELY unreasonable to demand this, and refuse to go along with it?! He can’t seem to see a problem with it at all. It makes me feel genuine rage, he doesn’t offer me the same flexibility to do what I want when I want - I asked him what would happen if I wanted to go and have time to myself on one of these nice afternoons, and his solution was me bringing DC to watch him play his sport. He told me not to worry, he wouldn’t play for too many days in a row as he’d be tired out (so he’d have days off from it not because that would be considerate towards me and DC, simply because he would be too fatigued)

I'll bet it's lawn bowls: only on in the summer (except for once a week indoors) and can completely take over lives. My late father thought everything came second to the bowls.

@ulterego did you both just carry on as usual after that, i.e. him playing sport and you being forced to facilitate it?

MsVestibule no, having my belongings put out on the street was very traumatizing, I couldnt be with a person who would do that to me

Change the locks while he's out playing 🤣🤣🤣

Another thread where the pendant's berate an OP over language.

It really is beyond sad🙄

ulterego I can imagine. So after you'd split up, how often did he have the children?

Pedant!🙄

Nothing wrong with the word childcare when applied to your own children IMO. "Babysitting," on the other hand, is a term I can't stand when people (almost invariably fathers) use it when referring to caring for their own children.

Hear, hear.

Dear god and could we stick to the point? Honestly, why do people get so hung up on terminology and miss the point of the thread?

I’m hoping the OP’s dh has now realised-sounds like he has-that he was being a twat.

I have read the thread completely distracted wondering what the hobby is . Only on Mn does anyone say hobby without what it is .

Unless it is completely obscure hardly identifying

I am the mother and I use the term "babysitting" - everybody understand exactly what I mean... why do people need to overcomplicate absolutely everything.

I will repeat this story: my very feisty aunt, after my uncle cleared off all day (again) playing golf, leaving the dc at home and returning home sozzled in the small hours, solved the problem. While he was asleep- she took the golf clubs to the village skip.
They were not replaced.

I love your aunt!

if she does that he will punish the children, and then punish her when she gets home

If there’s any chance of that OP shouldn’t be sticking around to try it. She needs to leave now.

@averylongtimeago

I will repeat this story: my very feisty aunt, after my uncle cleared off all day (again) playing golf, leaving the dc at home and returning home sozzled in the small hours, solved the problem. While he was asleep- she took the golf clubs to the village skip. They were not replaced.

She should have dropped him in there with them.

OP, you sound lovely and very patient (especially with some fussy posters on here). All I would say to you, is don’t do anything extreme here because it’s easy to get wound up on MN. As you say, he’s great the rest of the time. This is only cricket. It’s the season and it won’t go on forever. It is very boring and possibly the most boring of sports (bar golf), but millions love it nevertheless! Lucky you’re not married to my DH and his multifarious extreme sports, that’s all I can say. But you can’t change people. Most men have some sport they do - the positives with cricket are that its not dangerous and it’s seasonal. There’s far worse things in this world than playing cricket. If you need to take some time for yourself, wait until the cricket is finished and then do it. Take a leaf out of his book and make it happen.

Possibly the problem here is that he works evenings and you work days, so you never get the chance to connect?

He’s probably more keen than ever to get out to the cricket because it’s been lockdown.

Does he ever take you out for dinner or whatever and prioritise you as his wife? I think men who do a lot of “hobbies” need to at least do this regularly. My DH goes abroad for weeks with climbing and cycling and about 8 other things. He also works crazy hours and travels with that too. But he does make a point to organise time for us as well. It’s not about stopping people doing what they want, but there has to be a balance somewhere. Good luck!

My relationship with my ex fiancé ended because of similar. Once he started his hobby - he was an asshole.

Every other time he was absolutely wonderful and in the end I had enough.

I felt like a part time girlfriend. That’s not love. That’s convenience

Sunflower20170 Sorry i didnt check my spelling but i take it my post hit a nerve, you are a parent and it is a full time roll. Both of you are the problem and both of you need to grow up. Your comment to me proves that.

Hope you and DH are still making lovely memories. Why did he give up cricket?

We are thank you GreyShadow

He gave it up because he felt he was too old (late 40s). He had played to a fairly high standard and while he knew he was past his peak and wasn't going to improve any more, he didn't want end up being rubbish so he stopped while he was still a good bowler and a safe batsman. He's too competitive to play (lovely) village cricket, bless him.