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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to be on demand childcare for DP’s hobby?

143 replies

Sunflower20170 · 28/06/2020 15:02

Inspired by another hobby related thread I’ve just read on here, I would appreciate any views on this situation.

DP has a hobby he does (sports and outdoors usually) and it’s only possible to do it in the summer. He already does it once a week indoors for one evening, but does it more in the summer time.

He has told me in no uncertain terms, that whenever the weather is nice he will be doing this hobby. It starts around 3-4pm and lasts until the evening, so conveniently means he would fuck off right when DC finish school, and not return until after they have gone to bed. He makes a point of the fact he was doing this hobby before he met me or we had DC, and that it isn’t a hobby, it’s an essential part of his lifestyle Hmm

I objected to this and asked him why he expected me to be available 24/7 for if he fancies to go and do said hobby on a nice day. He then went on to say that if it was nice weather a few days in a row, he would definitely go a few days in a row, leaving me trapped into childcare duties every time the weather is nice Confused

AIBU to think he is being COMPLETELY unreasonable to demand this, and refuse to go along with it?! He can’t seem to see a problem with it at all. It makes me feel genuine rage, he doesn’t offer me the same flexibility to do what I want when I want - I asked him what would happen if I wanted to go and have time to myself on one of these nice afternoons, and his solution was me bringing DC to watch him play his sport. He told me not to worry, he wouldn’t play for too many days in a row as he’d be tired out (so he’d have days off from it not because that would be considerate towards me and DC, simply because he would be too fatigued)

OP posts:
Devlesko · 28/06/2020 17:45

Childcare is offensive because it's where you take your kids when you aren't parenting, like when you are working.
When they are your own kids you do everything else other than childcare. Play with, entertain, parent, anything other than childcare.

Original poster
Sunflower20170 · 28/06/2020 17:46

Also in around 3 years DC will be old enough for him to take them along - but obviously I won’t be living at his beck and call until summer 2023! We have made progress today and I’ve brought up loads of good points raised in this thread, and he’s actually admitted he was unreasonable in our previous conversation (when he told me he WOULD be going whenever he wanted during the summer afternoons Hmm)

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunflower20170 · 28/06/2020 17:47

@Devlesko I have addressed this three or so times now in my replies, but thank you for taking the time to explain

OP posts:
Mittens030869 · 28/06/2020 17:49

Aw, most people I know gave up hobbies when they had children to be with their families.

^This exactly. My DH is a steam train enthusiast and he has accepted that he can't go to steam fairs like he used to. But he takes our DDs on steam trains occasionally, or to York Railway Museum.

So you don't have to abandon your hobbies when you have DC, you just need to accept that you won't have the same freedom that you used to have to indulge them.

lowlandLucky · 28/06/2020 17:50

Did you both understand beforing having children that there were a 24/7 lifestyle for the next 17 years ? Both of you need to grow up

FizzyGreenWater · 28/06/2020 17:52

What's utterly reasonable is pointing out to him that when all is said and done, if he wants to push his own agenda at your expense instead of being happy to compromise and be a true team player - then what he will do is undermine your relationship. Slowly but surely, you'll respect and like him less. Where that ends up is anyone's guess, but the likeliest position is divorce - and a harder, lonelier life for him, hobby notwithstanding. Men do worse alone. Selfish men may lob from relationship to relationship but, after the first divorce, are often quickly sussed out by women on the dating scene and swiftly thrown back. Does he want to end up alone?

More to the point, if he loves you, ask him to ask himself why he'd want to treat you with contempt. Isn't it just... right to be a good team player, rather than a lead-swinging selfish fuck? What does he want his kids to learn from him and think of him? That he's a selfish shit? Surely not. If it's honestly worth it to him to elbow you aside like the bully kid at the candy shop when it comes to free time, to be that person - just so he can have more hobby time... well, ask him. Ask him if that's the most he aims for -to be selfish, small minded, ultimately not very much liked as a person in his own (possibly eventually temporary) home.

ThePants999 · 28/06/2020 17:52

Don't worry OP, I'm with you when it comes to facepalming about those getting offended about the word "childcare" being used for caring for children, just because they happen to be your own children.

Original poster
Sunflower20170 · 28/06/2020 17:53

@lowlandLucky please improve your comprehension skills before commenting Confused he was the problem within this situation, not me

OP posts:
comingintomyown · 28/06/2020 17:54

God men. My XH used to say when I complained about his hobby, getting drunk at the clubhouse every night, why don’t you get a babysitter and go out then. Fucking idiot. I don’t know what you can say about these men really

Mittens030869 · 28/06/2020 17:56

I can't understand the fuss over the word 'childcare', it is what we're doing even if it's our own DC we're caring for. That's literally what the term means, isn't it? It certainly isn't worth some of you getting so hot under the collar over, surely??

Theyweretheworstoftimes · 28/06/2020 17:58

Go out one day, leave your phone at home.

That's what he does to you, show him what it's like

LegitSnack · 28/06/2020 17:58

What is the hobby, though?

GreyShadow · 28/06/2020 18:02

@StCharlotte

I still rue the day my DH gave up cricket. We live within earshot of the cricket ground so once I'd heard a few wickets after tea, I'd wander over and go to the bar and we'd have a great night.

We met through football. We both had season tickets but for different teams. We used to have mock squabbles about which team our kids would support. Eventually I publicly conceded that they could support his team. He was delighted. As it hapoens we didn't have any children and he never twigged that I'd been paving the way for child-free Saturday afternoons Grin

What a lovely bittersweet post. Hope you and DH are still making lovely memories. Why did he give up cricket?

crosseyedMary · 28/06/2020 18:02

He can’t seem to see a problem with it at all
of course not, arranging things to suit his own convenience isnt a problem for him, quite the opposite.
Dont bother to challenge him, just find a way to do it back to him, arrange something permanent whereby you get your fun and he is constrained

istheresomethingishouldknow · 28/06/2020 18:09

I wouldn't go with the calendaring proposal, since he'll take that as license to just block book afternoons without any consideration for you.

He needs to stop being selfish and talk to you and agree what's reasonable up front and what isn't. And he has to make sure you have time to yourself, too. And he has to take more responsibility for making sure his children will have care if he doesn't want to be there; he can't just expect you to take it on as he has been. Wanker.

DollyDaydream70 · 28/06/2020 18:24

On the days that he gets ready to go out to his hobby, get your coat on and go out before him, leaving the children with him. Make sure you don't get back home until the time that he usually would. Do this each time he's getting his gear ready to go, for at least 3 or 4 times and see how he likes it and how fair he thinks it is...

Absolute selfish prick. I wouldn't normally say this but I would definitely be thinking about getting rid.

DotForShort · 28/06/2020 18:46

Nothing wrong with the word childcare when applied to your own children IMO. "Babysitting," on the other hand, is a term I can't stand when people (almost invariably fathers) use it when referring to caring for their own children.

IdblowJonSnow · 28/06/2020 18:55

Can't believe how many people on this thread are getting bogged down in the terminology!
He's still a fucking prick! Yanbu OP, he's taking the piss and massively taking you for granted.

GingerFluffycat · 28/06/2020 19:06

He has told me in no uncertain terms, that whenever the weather is nice he will be doing this hobby. It starts around 3-4pm and lasts until the evening

Just make sure you're not around from 2ish...Wink

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/06/2020 19:07

What is the hobby, @Sunflower20170?

"He makes a point of the fact he was doing this hobby before he met me or we had DC, and that it isn’t a hobby, it’s an essential part of his lifestyle Hmm"
Well other essential parts of his lifestyle is being a husband and father, both of which were lifestyle choices he entered into willingly. Unless 'I promise to prioritise my hobby over you and the children whenever the weather's nice' was part of his wedding vows agreed with you beforehand, he's trying to pull a fast one. He chose to marry and procreate. Life changes, and so should he.

Flimflamfloogety · 28/06/2020 19:09

You need to make him aware that you will be returning to your hobby of lying in bed until midday. He will just need to accept that this is something you did before the relationship and lost touch with since DC came along. He will therefore need to ensure they are fed, watered and taken to school/entertained until you deign to make an appearance

bluevioletcrimsonsky · 28/06/2020 19:12

I think I am the minority, but I don't think I have a problem with it. You say it's only during summer, and he works nights. So if he does this hobby, he is doing it cutting out his time resting/sleeping?
You also say dc finish school so not a toddler either who needs constant care either. You say in few years the kids can go with him.
I just don't think needing to look after your own child while for few hours while other parents are enjoying a hobby during certain time of the year is a big deal.

crosseyedMary · 28/06/2020 19:15

get your coat on and go out before him, leaving the children with him
if she does that he will punish the children, and then punish her when she gets home

Ulterego · 28/06/2020 19:19

I remember a similar an incident years ago, partner put his sport first, one day I'd just had enough
I went out leaving him with the children so that he couldnt play his sport, well I got in my car, he stood in front of it but I pulled away slowly and drove off
Came home and my belongings were out on the street in binbags, he wouldnt let me back in the house that night

MsVestibule · 28/06/2020 19:25

So much drama over terminology! I considered looking after my own children 'childcare' - I had no idea it was so controversial. When I was a SAHM, my job was to look after the DCs while DH went out to work. When he wasn't working, I was 'off the clock' and the shared parenting didn't feel like work at all.

OP, I had a similar issue when my DCs were tiny. I was suffering from PND/stress and hated being a SAHM (I had no option at the time). It was still really important for DH to continue playing golf twice a week Hmm. Years later, it still rankles with me. If he'd just given it up for a year while they were tiny, it would have made a massive difference to my MH. (Although at least I knew when he'd be playing; he didn't just inform me he could be playing night after night!).

I had no objections to him going out for a drink with his mates twice a week after the DC were in bed, so he was hardly the henpecked husband. I just felt that 50 hours solo parenting of babies/toddlers every week was enough.