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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to be on demand childcare for DP’s hobby?

143 replies

Sunflower20170 · 28/06/2020 15:02

Inspired by another hobby related thread I’ve just read on here, I would appreciate any views on this situation.

DP has a hobby he does (sports and outdoors usually) and it’s only possible to do it in the summer. He already does it once a week indoors for one evening, but does it more in the summer time.

He has told me in no uncertain terms, that whenever the weather is nice he will be doing this hobby. It starts around 3-4pm and lasts until the evening, so conveniently means he would fuck off right when DC finish school, and not return until after they have gone to bed. He makes a point of the fact he was doing this hobby before he met me or we had DC, and that it isn’t a hobby, it’s an essential part of his lifestyle

I objected to this and asked him why he expected me to be available 24/7 for if he fancies to go and do said hobby on a nice day. He then went on to say that if it was nice weather a few days in a row, he would definitely go a few days in a row, leaving me trapped into childcare duties every time the weather is nice

AIBU to think he is being COMPLETELY unreasonable to demand this, and refuse to go along with it?! He can’t seem to see a problem with it at all. It makes me feel genuine rage, he doesn’t offer me the same flexibility to do what I want when I want - I asked him what would happen if I wanted to go and have time to myself on one of these nice afternoons, and his solution was me bringing DC to watch him play his sport. He told me not to worry, he wouldn’t play for too many days in a row as he’d be tired out (so he’d have days off from it not because that would be considerate towards me and DC, simply because he would be too fatigued)

OP posts:

Smallsteps88 · 28/06/2020 15:26

It's so wierd when a person thinks that because their commitment to their hobby pre-dates parenthood, they are ENTITLED to that time.

It really is. I used to have 3 day benders and sleep in random living rooms before I had children. Guess what! That had to stop!

theproblemwitheyes · 28/06/2020 15:26

As a woman who married a cricketer, you really have to lean in. My DH sacrifices the odd week night practise, but mainly he goes, and does a full day each summer Saturday. We go too! If it's nice enough to play cricket, it's usually perfect weather for grubbing about with the kids on the boundary. Cricket clubs are brilliant places for socialising and community, if i were you I'd just get stuck in.

Mind you, I'd also insist that over the winter you get a significant amount of time to yourself without the DC. That's how it works in my family.

Aria2015 · 28/06/2020 15:28

Essentially he's dictating how you spend your time because when he's not around the childcare falls to you. It's just not on. As for his (pathetic) argument that he was doing this hobby before you met and had children, if everyone had this attitude children would die of neglect and hunger from parents just carrying on their lives as they were pre children!

JaniceWebster · 28/06/2020 15:29

what are your OWN commitments OP?

Its not unreasonable to want a life even when you have children, but it's an equal right.

So YOU have your usual days booked (whatever you are doing), YOURS come first even on sunny days, because it's just not an option that you cancel.

Your DH is ridiculous, just tell him you are not cancelling your own plans. Nothing to discuss about!

HeartGirls · 28/06/2020 15:30

On one hand if he did this a lot before you met then I'm not sure why you're so surprised but then if he goes out a lot just make sure you do too even if it's just for a drive or read a book elsewhere

My ex played cricket twice a week in summer so I got left with doing it all from around 3-10pm so I understand where you're coming from OP

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 28/06/2020 15:31

Selfish. I’d suggest dividing the week so you get equal time to pursue your own interests. It’ll be helpful to have this set up if you want a divorce.

NoMoreDickheads · 28/06/2020 15:31

YANBU. Selfish of him and completely not considering you at all.

JaniceWebster · 28/06/2020 15:32

It's so wierd when a person thinks that because their commitment to their hobby pre-dates parenthood, they are ENTITLED to that time.

in couples made of reasonable adults, it works. Because you make it work.

What doesn't is turning one partner into a maid whilst the other ones keep their single life. Not acceptable.

monkeymonkey2010 · 28/06/2020 15:32

He makes a point of the fact he was doing this hobby before he met me or we had DC, and that it isn’t a hobby, it’s an essential part of his lifestyle
You had things you were doing pre-dc that have now been put on the backburner/limited due to having dc.
Having children is also a lifestyle choice - which he willingly made so he IS responsible for his share of parenting.

he doesn’t offer me the same flexibility to do what I want when I want
So he's been deceiving you all along and your relationship is built on lies?
He just wanted a woman at home doing all the 'wife-work' and propping up his chosen lifestyle?
He never intended for this relationship to be an actual partnership?
Now he's got you 'trapped/backed into a corner' he thinks he can get away with giving you in no uncertain terms dictats?

He's basically told you that you're the skivvy and the world revolves around him.
That's your lot

I hope you're not thinking you can change him - his type wait until they've got you dependent on them before showing their true colours.

GinDrinker00 · 28/06/2020 15:32

To be fair if he’s always done it even before you had kids and got together you can’t really expect him to change... on the other side of things, YANBU if it’s constant. Go out a hour before he does.

NoMoreDickheads · 28/06/2020 15:32

On one hand if he did this a lot before you met then I'm not sure why you're so surprised

@Heartofglass12345 Cos people have to work around the demands of DC etc once they come along.

june2007 · 28/06/2020 15:32

So if we put it this way, he wants time out a couple of times a wk for a hobby, so someone will have to look after the children.
But what is stopping you having time out perhaps on other days for your interests.?

StCharlotte · 28/06/2020 15:36

I still rue the day my DH gave up cricket. We live within earshot of the cricket ground so once I'd heard a few wickets after tea, I'd wander over and go to the bar and we'd have a great night.

We met through football. We both had season tickets but for different teams. We used to have mock squabbles about which team our kids would support. Eventually I publicly conceded that they could support his team. He was delighted. As it hapoens we didn't have any children and he never twigged that I'd been paving the way for child-free Saturday afternoons

FizzyGreenWater · 28/06/2020 15:39

Get rid!

There you go, nice straight talking of the kind he clearly understands.

'I'm not on board with your exciting plan, so the options are: a. you treat me with respect and realise you're equally responsible for our children's care, or we split up. Which do you want?'

While he's thinking about it, give him a taste. Live separately: no sex, no spendign time together, no domestic stuff. Be proactive and look into financial splitting, house, DC care etc.

Basically just don't accept it for a second, be brisk and practical and totally upfront about you'd much rather be free to find a decent man then in that case.

Velvian · 28/06/2020 15:40

@GinDrinker00, op absolutely can expect that he changes when he has children to consider. Or do you think only women have to change once they have children?

jessstan2 · 28/06/2020 15:41

I think you must take up a hobby or just something you like to do that will take up a similar amount of time when it isn't summer - and sometimes in summer when he isn't occupied. What's good for the gander, etc.

fuzzymoon · 28/06/2020 15:44

Its not just being selfish that's the issue. It's the fact he doesn't want to spend time with his kids. It would mean he wouldn't see them as I assume they'd be asleep when he comes back from football or whatever it is.
He also isn't that fussed about spending time with you or have any consideration to your needs , wants or feelings.
It's quite sad tbh.

midsomermurderess · 28/06/2020 15:45

It's bowls, isn't it? or iceskating, what about bouldering, drystone walling? The weird secret Mumsnet 'hobby'. Nah, cycling, it always is for selfish, dull, obsessive middle-aged men,

JaniceWebster · 28/06/2020 15:45

he doesn’t offer me the same flexibility to do what I want when I want

that's key OP

Have you got scheduled activities of any kind (hobby, sport, study, friends..) which you would need to cancel because it happens to be "sunny"

or are you free in theory, so you "could" be babysitting but you might change your mind or make last minute plans?

Because a one-off change of plan for you is fine, but not reasonable every single week, whilst a set arrangement that you would have to cancel is just not acceptable.

Does your OP sees you as being free and available, and you can make your own plans on alternate days, or does he expect you to cancel everything on your side?

It's not the same at all.

Jux · 28/06/2020 15:48

if he’s always done it even before you had kids and got together you can’t really expect him to change

Of course you can! Everyone's life changes when they live together, when they have children, when all sorts of stuff happens, that's why those sort of things are called LIFE CHANGING.

If he were to change his job, would he continue to go to his old office just because he always has so he can't be expected to change? No, it would be ridiculous. As ridiculous as having children and expecting your life to be exactly the same as it was before you had children.

He's an idiot, clearly not intelligent enough for you; dump him and find someone more sensible.

Original poster

Sunflower20170 · 28/06/2020 15:49

Thank you for the replies! I knew I wasn’t being unreasonable to be annoyed about his attitude, he is a good parent in pretty much every other way, he is more than happy to have DC and parent without me (I know my wording of ‘childcare duties’ caused offence further up the thread - obviously I meant parenting alone) while I have my downtime, but when it comes to this particular hobby he becomes really selfish and unreasonable. My issue is him automatically prioritising it, and seeing it as far more important than my time, I would always discuss if I had plans but he doesn’t want to have to do this, he just wants to be able to spontaneously go whenever he wants and the weather is nice. (Didn’t seem to cross his mind I might want to enjoy some downtime in the nice weather too!)

To answer an earlier question about work, he works evenings so we usually split the after school care (I WFH)

OP posts:

vanillandhoney · 28/06/2020 15:49

He's selfish and doesn't care about seeing his kids.

Are you not worth more than that?

istheresomethingishouldknow · 28/06/2020 15:51

He's being a selfish dick.

It doesn't matter if he was enjoying that hobby/sport before he met you and before he had children. He decided to marry you and he has children. Things have changed. Which means he has to stop being a selfish dick and put his children's needs above his own and be fair with down time so you get an equal amount, too. Plus, there should be family time.

Tell him in the divorce, he'll be having them 50/50.

Veterinari · 28/06/2020 15:52

Point out to him that you're a mother not a nanny and that you both are half-responsible for parenting. So you both get equal time off.

I don't understand how these threads pop up so regularly or how women have so much trouble developing equal partnerships. You say 'children' so you clearly chose to have more than one child and those DC aren't babies so this situation has been going on for years. Why did you let it? Why not have this discussion when your first child was a newborn?

Original poster

Sunflower20170 · 28/06/2020 15:52

@JaniceWebster he definitely expects me to cancel any plans on behalf of his hobby. If it was just the occasional reshuffle I’d be totally fine with it, it’s just that he wants to have dibs on any nice afternoons without any consideration to what I might have planned or want to do instead.

OP posts:

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