To refuse to be on demand childcare for DP’s hobby?

[Sunflower20170]

Inspired by another hobby related thread I’ve just read on here, I would appreciate any views on this situation.

DP has a hobby he does (sports and outdoors usually) and it’s only possible to do it in the summer. He already does it once a week indoors for one evening, but does it more in the summer time.

He has told me in no uncertain terms, that whenever the weather is nice he will be doing this hobby. It starts around 3-4pm and lasts until the evening, so conveniently means he would fuck off right when DC finish school, and not return until after they have gone to bed. He makes a point of the fact he was doing this hobby before he met me or we had DC, and that it isn’t a hobby, it’s an essential part of his lifestyle

I objected to this and asked him why he expected me to be available 24/7 for if he fancies to go and do said hobby on a nice day. He then went on to say that if it was nice weather a few days in a row, he would definitely go a few days in a row, leaving me trapped into childcare duties every time the weather is nice

AIBU to think he is being COMPLETELY unreasonable to demand this, and refuse to go along with it?! He can’t seem to see a problem with it at all. It makes me feel genuine rage, he doesn’t offer me the same flexibility to do what I want when I want - I asked him what would happen if I wanted to go and have time to myself on one of these nice afternoons, and his solution was me bringing DC to watch him play his sport. He told me not to worry, he wouldn’t play for too many days in a row as he’d be tired out (so he’d have days off from it not because that would be considerate towards me and DC, simply because he would be too fatigued)

God no fuck that! Who does he think he is?

Tell him straight it’s not going to happen. I’ve got an outdoor hobby I’m fairly fixated on and I would not dream of presenting this sort of shitshow to my husband. What a bellend!

It's not 'the hobby' that's the problem but rather you husbands attitude to family life.

A shared Calendar is a good idea. First entry is honoured and if the other person wants to do something on the same day then they have to arrange a babysitter or stay home.

However, for a calendar to work there must be an agreement first.

@Daftodil

It really annoys me when people say "I did hobby X before children so I don't see why I should have to give it up now. You knew this was part of my life when you met me." I used to go out until 3am and get off my tits. I did this before having children. It's not a hobby, it's an essential part of my life... oh wait, no, life changes when kids arrive. He isn't the priority anymore. He needs to think about his children. Selfish idiot.

Yep, this

I love my hobbies. I had several, ruinously expensive all day hobbies. That really did feel like part of my identity.

Guess what. When I had kids, I binned most of them off. Because it was kids or hobbies. And I chose to have a family.

Don't you ever go out as a family on a nice day?

That's the other part of the problem isn't it? As Pussycat states - there's no chance of a family outing with him prioritising his own selfish hobby.

@Mominatrix get off your high horse you know exactly what OP meant even if it wasn’t worded to your liking. Stop trying to make yourself feel superior by finding fault.

Self centred. Not fair it presumed you doing the childcare end of it. I would be fed up yes

OP unless your DH has a lot of redeeming features I would pull the plug and ltb. You are in effect a single parent most of the time and importantly, whenever you could be enjoying a little quality time by yourself. Unless there are huge benefits sticking with him tell him to go.
Good luck

Make it very VERY clear that you have equal rights within the marriage,. Say: OK - so you feel you deserve X hours a week to do what makes you happy, leaving me in sole charge of DC. Do you also feel I deserve the same? And if you do, do you also feel it's fine for me to give you short notice? And would you be concerned that if I went off for X hours a week to pursue my lifestyle choice and you did the same that we would drift apart?
(Get a proper answer to each of these questions. Ask themone at a time.)
And do you think if we drifted apart because of our lifestyle choices that we might later reflect and think a better lifestyle choice might have been to find some activities we all enjoyed together as a family? And do you recognise that having a family was also a huge lifestyle choice?

And when you go off to pursue your lifestyle choice, do you fully trust me to look after your DC as well as anyone could: to keep them clean and well fed and safe and to stimulate their minds and make sure they get enough safe fresh air and exercise and not to rift off into my own word and let them run wild, and to stick to a healthy routine?
And if you agree that we both deserve equal free time to pursue our own pleasures, are you prepared to be a fully present parent for the X hours a week that I am off enjoying myself, so that I come home to a similarly well-run home, just as you do?
And if you think that I don't need so much free time because I;m at home with DC all day while you work hard, are you saying that looking after the home and children is relaxing? And if you are, surely it will relax you to do the same while I go off and enjoy X hours per week at short notice, in full confidence that you are being as good a parent as I am?

I would do this (I have done similar) in a really calm, unaggressive, innocent enquiry voice until the selfish fucker stitches himself up with his own pathetically skewed logic. And then I would ensure I had a separate bank account and that he gradually mucked in until he was doing 50% of all household stuff and childcare. And then I'd decide if my X hours pleasure per week continued to include being married to him. He might of course stop being an absolute dick. Men are dicks if we let them be and sulking or complaining is continuing to let them because they just think women are trapping them. You have to trick them into realising what fools they are being by really sweetly stitching them up to agree to equal rights for both of you.

Shouldn't have to do any of this. It's so fucking tiring and so much respect and affection is lost when you have to trot them through their paces like this. But it's doable.

Sorry , not on a high horse. I have no sympathy for anyone who calls being with their children to be childcare.

Don't stand for that if you can't have the same. Strike up a hobby where you need the weather too. Share out the weather days. Pre-children doesn't even come into it. Pre-children life was your own.

My ex was like this - although he didn't need the weather to do it (busking, gigs, jam sessions, trying out for multiple bands) and it turned into every evening after work - straight from work, and every weekend he'd be gigging. He was extremely selfish in every other way too though.

Now he's an ex and (excluding lockdown where he made every excuse) he has to have them all weekend every 2 weeks and for FULL weeks in the summer holidays! I bloody LOVE those times to myself and can do my hobbies for flipping hours (hiking, climbing, swimming, exploring new places, photography... wine drinking).

Being a single parent is extremely hard work but in ways it's other ways it's very satisfying and refreshing.

Not really getting the angst over the terminology here. Childcare=caring for children. Sometimes it is paid. Sometimes it is not.

Sod that op. YADNBU

Does he think you're there just to service his needs and his kids are accessories when he has the time.

I suspect climbing? A hobby I’m pretty keen on myself. However as everyone else has said a family and relationship should always be the highest priority. Personally I’m lucky to get out twice a week now and that’s with kids fully grown and off our hands. When the kids needed lots of attention I gave it up almost totally but started again when, as teenagers, they got keen themselves.
Even if I’m wrong about the hobby, I think it all holds true.

having kids stuffs up some other lifestyle options. He should have thought of this before removing the condom. Bit late now. And why has this gone on for so long?

he either pulls his weight or you employ paid childcare to give you a break.

I'd honestly end a relationship over this. I'd get more free time to myself that way and I'd have a life rather than being treated as someone's white goods.

Why do so many fucking men do this?

My other half (pre-COVID) was a cricketer, some midweek games and pretty much all day Sat during the summer.

However, I had no issue with it as he's FT WFH so some socialising out of the house is important and I also used to travel a lot. He would pick up the slack for 5-7 days at a time, or I'd do what I wanted some days also.

This isn't about the hobby per se - it's about reciprocal respect and expectations.

So the only person who has to change following having DC is you......he isnt working as a team and is another asshole who seems to priotise himself over that of his wife and family. Sorry but there is not a chance in hell I would be cancelling my plans as he decides due to a change in weather he is going out..

Me neither Phineyj If anything it's the Op's 'd' h that's turning it into part of his wife's 'job' description, as in it is her responsibility alone whilst he's able to swan off as suits as if she's the 'employee' who it falls to.

I had 4 different hobbies before children. Never really get time to do any of it now. But then I expected as much. I chose this, I chose them.

When they are older I'm sure your DH will get more time to do his hobbies but for now he needs to stop being a selfish arse and step up to the plate.

When his children are grown up and don't have an amazing relationship with him due to his absence when they were younger, it will be his own fault.

Aw, most people I know gave up hobbies when they had children to be with their families.
I'd be telling him I hope his hobby will keep him company on the long dark evenings because you want someone who gives a shit about their family.
You have a right wanker for a dp, not surprised you aren't married, he's waiting for the right one OP, run for the hills. You and your dc are worth better than this.

What’s the hobby though

@Mominatrix I’m currently reading this fantastic and informative book, which frequently talks about how caring duties fall on to women but workplaces and society do not particularly consider the needs of those with caring responsibilities. As the term ‘childcare’ is used frequently within the book (as in, childcare = caring for children, which can include if those children are your own ) I used it within the context of my post.

I’m baffled by the world childcare being so offensive to you, but thank you for taking the time to reply anyway.

@pog100 - I suspect climbing too. Appeals to a certain type who thinks he is a wild, free, risk-taking explorer when he's no finer a specimen than blokes who swill beer and watch the match in pubs every weekend leaving their wives in charge of the DC with no break. Again.

@monkeyonthetable I really like your approach - totally agree it’s a pain to even have to tiptoe around wording when it is them being unreasonable - but I think approaching it in a calm/ non confrontational way is a good idea.