To refuse to be on demand childcare for DP’s hobby?

[Sunflower20170]

Inspired by another hobby related thread I’ve just read on here, I would appreciate any views on this situation.

DP has a hobby he does (sports and outdoors usually) and it’s only possible to do it in the summer. He already does it once a week indoors for one evening, but does it more in the summer time.

He has told me in no uncertain terms, that whenever the weather is nice he will be doing this hobby. It starts around 3-4pm and lasts until the evening, so conveniently means he would fuck off right when DC finish school, and not return until after they have gone to bed. He makes a point of the fact he was doing this hobby before he met me or we had DC, and that it isn’t a hobby, it’s an essential part of his lifestyle

I objected to this and asked him why he expected me to be available 24/7 for if he fancies to go and do said hobby on a nice day. He then went on to say that if it was nice weather a few days in a row, he would definitely go a few days in a row, leaving me trapped into childcare duties every time the weather is nice

AIBU to think he is being COMPLETELY unreasonable to demand this, and refuse to go along with it?! He can’t seem to see a problem with it at all. It makes me feel genuine rage, he doesn’t offer me the same flexibility to do what I want when I want - I asked him what would happen if I wanted to go and have time to myself on one of these nice afternoons, and his solution was me bringing DC to watch him play his sport. He told me not to worry, he wouldn’t play for too many days in a row as he’d be tired out (so he’d have days off from it not because that would be considerate towards me and DC, simply because he would be too fatigued)

So he now needs to pay for after school care he doesn't get to stop you working

How about this OP. Set up a shared google calendar. Anything you fancy going to you book it in on the calendar. Don’t consult him. Just book it in. If he has already got something booked in then you can arrange a babysitter. If he hasn’t anything booked in, but later decides he wants to play cricket then he can arrange a babysitter. Tell him this is the new arrangement. He doesn’t seem it necessary to consult you on going to his hobby so what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.

I just don't understand men like this. I really don't.

My husband has a hobby that he was really into when I met him, radio amateur. But he did it a lot less when I came on the scene because he likes me more than his radio club. He's hardly been at all in the 7 years since DS was born. He works long hours so wants to spend his time off with his child, because he loves him and misses him.

Does your partner not like his kids?

he just wants to be able to spontaneously go whenever he wants and the weather is nice.

too bad, he's a parent and half of a couple, he can't do that.

I had tons of hobbies pre-children. I now engage in those hobbies in stolen moments or when I have negotiated a block of time with DH. He had tons of hobbies too, but he is a parent first.

As dd is getting older, we are both getting back to our hobbies a bit, but nothing like before we were parents. We will pick them up again in earnest when we are empty nesters.

Let him take your DC’s with him. He’s soon find he can’t play sport and look after them. He’ll also need to make time to do his share of the weekly food shopping, laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping for DC’s clothes and shoes, taking them to dentist appointments etc.

so don,t stop him doing his thing but if there is something you want to do you do it. Or say if I have the kids to night can you have them tomorrow,

@slipperywhensparticus Yes I actually said this when he first mentioned doing hobby several days in a row during the summer - I asked if he’d sorted childcare for that, or if he was expecting me to clear my diary for him?

Might sound OTT but honestly i'd LTB!!

I'd be better on my own with the possibility of finding someone who isn't this much wrapped up in their self interest.

Who needs to put up with that kind of ridiculousness.

He is selfish...
Are you by any chance a stay at home mum so he thinks this is fine as you have all day off (and a magic fairy sorts the housework and laundry out).

I'd get yourself busy 2 nights a week that are equally non negotiable... And leave him a list of jobs

I gave up cricket when DC were born and have only just returned when DC were 18 and 16. You have to appreciate that when you have DC your life changes and you cannot continue to do some of the things you once did.

I would then ask him when he is planning on doing his parenting duties as even though the kids came after his hobby they are as much his commitment as yours - parenting is two parents not just absolving yourself of all responsibilities WITHOUT THE AGREEMENT of the other parent. He also needs to recognise the slog this is - yes there are good times but it is not an easy ride by any means whether they are tiny, toddlers or teens

@Smallsteps88 thank you for this suggestion, it’s really helpful. I’m going to mention this to him today. He really needs to rethink his mindset of having any time he wants at his disposal for his leisure as if I’m the default parent always there in the background looking after DC. As I say he’s totally reasonable with other areas of parenting, it’s just when it comes to this hobby there’s an issue

If it's nice enough to play cricket, it's usually perfect weather for grubbing about with the kids on the boundary. Cricket clubs are brilliant places for socialising and community, if i were you I'd just get stuck in.

I can't think of anything I would enjoy less. I mean, fair enough if it's something you like to do. But if I were in the OP's shoes, I would certainly not "just get stuck in."

You are definitely not being unreasonable, OP. Time to tell him that in no uncertain terms.

@FizzyGreenWater

Get rid!

There you go, nice straight talking of the kind he clearly understands.

'I'm not on board with your exciting plan, so the options are: a. you treat me with respect and realise you're equally responsible for our children's care, or we split up. Which do you want?'

While he's thinking about it, give him a taste. Live separately: no sex, no spendign time together, no domestic stuff. Be proactive and look into financial splitting, house, DC care etc.

Basically just don't accept it for a second, be brisk and practical and totally upfront about you'd much rather be free to find a decent man then in that case.

Yes, agree with this.

OP, your DH chose to get married and have DC. That means things change, including hobbies. He's equally a parent, so he needs to do his share of parenting.

And don't feel obliged to take part in his hobby, or send the DC to watch, if you don't want to. I mean, what's in it for the DC to just sit there and watch? And what if they need supervising? Meaning you have to be with them anyway.

He's being very selfish, clearly thinking his desires take precedence over anything else. And it is a desire, not a need, whatever he says.

His argument is so flawed. There are loads of things people adjust, reduce or give up as they grow up and share their lives with others. It’s called taking responsibility and not being selfish.

As others have said, he is a total arse.

Also.. if this is cricket(!) my DM nearly divorced my DF over it. He was gone for 8+ weeks every year in the summer (saturdays&sundays) on cricket tour across the country. For my entire childhood. Not to mention regular practice sessions. It was very selfish of him.

Child care? They are your kids ffs

@LolaDarkdestroyer I have covered the issue with wording already in a previous reply. I obviously mean parenting alone, caring for children

His argument seems to be that he did this before you both got together and had children therefore he should be able to continue.

Well I'm guessing that before you got together with him and had children, you weren't stuck at home doing nothing and unable to go out, you had plenty of other things that you did as well, therefore you should also be able to continue.

Fair's fair and all that. You were both there at the conception, you should both equally adapt your non-working hours so you each get child-free hobby time.

It used to mightily piss me off when I would go out and someone would ask "Oh, so who's babysitting tonight then?"
No he's not fucking 'babysitting' - he's looking after his children OK?

He wants to act like a single man with no responsibilities. You and your child mean less to him than his hobby. His child is not his responsibility and he thinks all childcare is down to you. You married a dickhead. Sorry OP.

I was a summer cricket widow before we had DC but after DS1 was born, you know what, DH stopped playing (apart for the odd game of 20-20 that randomly came up) because he wanted to spend time together as a family! DS1 (7) is now cricket crazy and I imagine when DS2 is old enough to play I’ll be abandoned again (or spend my weekends with a glass of wine on he boundary).

@DuckALaurent

Chuck him out.

Give him the kids 50/50.

Problem solved.

This^

YANBU, he is an arse.

It really annoys me when people say "I did hobby X before children so I don't see why I should have to give it up now. You knew this was part of my life when you met me." I used to go out until 3am and get off my tits. I did this before having children. It's not a hobby, it's an essential part of my life... oh wait, no, life changes when kids arrive. He isn't the priority anymore. He needs to think about his children. Selfish idiot.