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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how much your partner does with your children if you are a SAHP

117 replies

Wingsofadragonfly85 · 27/06/2020 20:53

Just that really.
If you are a stay at home parent - how much parenting does your partner do?
I’m a SAHM with two children and my dh has never done very much, he didn’t change a single nappy or do a night feed / waking when they were younger. He’s taken the older dc to the cinema twice on his own. He’s never taken them together anywhere without me. Is this the norm? They are 11 and 4 now. They’ve never been to the park or swimming or anything with him unless I’ve been there too.

OP posts:
MooseBeTimeForSummer · 27/06/2020 20:59

I was breastfeeding our son but DH would get up and make me a sandwich and a drink. He’d usually make something I could eat for lunch too. He helped with changes and bath time.
DS is now 8. They do tons of stuff together - walks, bike rides and even mountain trails. They do the grocery shopping together on Saturday mornings so I can have a lie in.

Pascha · 27/06/2020 21:03

DH does loads, sorry.

I mean, not so much on normal weekdays when he's working. I do school, clubs, lunches, ferrying about etc. But he does bedtimes, haircuts, weekend outings, sports, new shoes, dentist etc. He's great at putting a rocket up their backsides to clean up or help mow the lawn. As babies he did his fair share of night times and nappies.

PinkCrayon · 27/06/2020 21:06

He has never changed a nappy or done a night feed.?!🙄
Who ever voted OP is unreasonable you have really LOW expectations of Fathers and husbands.

Op just because you are a sahp doesnt mean you are the ONLY parent.

AIMD · 27/06/2020 21:09

Wow he’s proper not pulling his weight. How does he have any relationship with them if he don’t do anything for/with them?

mindutopia · 27/06/2020 21:09

I am not a SAHP, but I was at home for the first year or so and I work compressed hours, so I have an extra day at home with them each week. Dh did pretty much exactly half of all the parenting when he wasn't at work. He does a mix of nighttime parenting (when they were little I was bf, so obviously he wasn't much help). He did (and actually still does) most of the nappy changes when he's home. He's always the one up with them in the morning getting them dressed. Oldest is 7 and he takes her out on days out (more so than littlest one). Today they spent a whole day canoeing. He's taken her away for weekends just the two of them, camping, weekend breaks, to visit friends and family, etc.

I think if you are a SAHP, obviously it's up to you to do everything during the day. But having been both at home and working fulltime - a fulltime job is way less exhausting than being at home with kids all day. I say this as someone who routinely does a full time job plus 18 hours of travel in a week. Working is a breeze in comparison, and I don't see how that excuses you from parenting your children when you're home.

IfOnlyIKnewThen · 27/06/2020 21:32

Not sure why you being a stay at home Mum means your DH doesn't have to do his share of parenting. Having said that it is quite nice that you do things as a family.

Have you asked him to take the children and he's refused to do it? If you are expecting him to offer this without prompting then I think you are being naive because he has clearly demonstrated that he doesn't want too.

For context OP, both DH and I work F/T but I definitely do far more life admin and decision making around the children. It pisses me off but clearly suits my DH just fine. However I always pull him up on it and mostly he'll make an effort for a short while before slipping back., I get fed up and then the cycle starts again.

Having said that when my dd started school it became clear that there were a lot of Mums in a worse position than me which is sad really. They used to comment about how lucky I was to have a DH who was so involved. Unbelievably annoying.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/06/2020 21:35

He can’t have much of a relationship with them. Why doesn’t he want to know his children? You have to spend time with them to really know them and for them to know him. It’s very sad for them he can’t be bothered.

You must know that it’s not the norm.

BlingLoving · 27/06/2020 21:57

Nope. Your DH is a prat. Sorry.

Dh is sahd. I do my share of bath, bed, dinner etc during week. On weekends we share. I take kids by myself, or he does, or we divide and conquer. I am more likely to take kids swimming in weekend, do baking etc. Dh more likely to play endless games in garden. I do playdates and outings and chores. As does dh. I have a lovely relationship with the dc and so does dh. V sad that your dh does not have similar with the kids.

Original poster
Wingsofadragonfly85 · 27/06/2020 21:58

No we don’t do anything much as a family.
I take them out on Saturdays whilst dh plays golf.
He’s not up until noon on Sundays so we might have Sunday afternoon together.
But on then occasions he is there for swimming, playground etc - it’s always me there as well.

OP posts:
AIMD · 27/06/2020 22:01

He plays golf on Saturday and lay in until 12 Sunday???!! He just sounds like a lazy git to be honest.

JustC · 27/06/2020 22:02

I am SAHM. DH does as much as he can when home, childwise and housewise. He may not be perfect but he is a true team player so to say. Sorry you are having to do all/most on your own.

Oldbutstillgotit · 27/06/2020 22:05

57% think YABU ? Seriously ?

switswoo81 · 27/06/2020 22:10

Your not a SAHM at the weekend you are both just parents and he is taking the mick. So you do all weekend mornings as well
I think ye need to sit down and talk properly about the unfairness of the situation.

Ragwort · 27/06/2020 22:10

I was a SAHM for 12 years & my DH did loads of parenting... always 'took over' when he came
in from work ... bath and bed time (because he loved being with his own DC), I used to go for a long walk every morning so he gave DS breakfast & they played together until I got back, changed nappies etc. I mix fed so he would give a bottle, I had evenings out to myself and we took turns at weekends so that we both had time to do our 'own' thing. DH & DS would have weekends away, camping trips, later developed into ski trips away etc. DH was involved in the rugby team, scouting etc so he was fully supportive of DS's hobbies. Became a school governor as well.

And he enjoyed playing golf, cycling & meeting his friends for a drink ... it is possible to parent your child and have your own interests. Hmm.

Isitbedtimeyet4 · 27/06/2020 22:16

My DH does loads. From the minute he gets home we are 50/50 parents.
He plays with them and has cuddles while I get dinner on the table, we both tidy up together after dinner and then he sits on the living room floor and plays with them for a while. We both do bathtime, I do bedtime while he walks the dog and waters our veg/puts the chickens away.
Then we chill out together for the rest of the evening!
On his days off it’s pretty much 50/50 all day, sometimes he falls asleep in the late afternoon but honestly I don’t mind because he works 12 hour days during the week, honestly I’m not surprised he needs a nap! One of us will do 100% of the parenting while the other has a nice bath etc but it’s mostly split quite evenly when he’s home. He also gets up and makes the bottles if our baby wakes in the night, and then I feed the baby and resettle while he goes back to sleep.
I wouldn’t be happy in your situation personally OP, it’s not fair on your, or your DCs, you both deserve someone who is actually present when home and wants to interact with you all without acting like it’s a chore.

Original poster
Wingsofadragonfly85 · 27/06/2020 22:19

When he finishes work in the week - he worked from home before lockdown so that hasn’t changed, in fact now golf is back nothing has changed for him - he lies on the sofa with the tv on. That’s his day over.

OP posts:
HowLongCanICallitBabyWeight · 27/06/2020 22:38

My grandfather is 87 he changed nappies when his children were small. You're husband is a lazy twat. I'd also be very hurt for your children that their father doesn't even want to spend any time alone with them doing fun things, that would be a deal breaker for me even if he changed plenty of nappies.

HowLongCanICallitBabyWeight · 27/06/2020 22:39

*your

Drivingdownthe101 · 27/06/2020 22:42

Loads. Obviously when at work he’s not physically able to, but when around at least 50%, usually more. When he’s here he likes to spend time with them to make up for the time he’s at work... he quite likes them Grin.
He always did/does nappies, and often took over shifts when I was exhausted. Always gives them breakfast in the morning before work while I shower. Spends time in the evenings reading or playing games with them. Weekends we do stuff as a family or he takes them out.

Drivingdownthe101 · 27/06/2020 22:42

We have 3 DC by the way, 6 4 and 1.

Lollypop4 · 27/06/2020 22:43

Ex Dh, didnt do much at all, I worked but around the DC, park dates ect became rarer
as they got older, then non-exsistent.He never attended sports day but did cone to the xmas play, stood at the back away from me.
I left him whe DC were 10 & 6. He ia now very hands on since break up - 7 yrs ago.

DP is a bit more hands on with our DC , 2&5yrs, Not as much as I would like due to his work comitments but he helps them to bed when he is home and plays with them too when home

Tsarboretum · 27/06/2020 22:44

It's 50/50 here when he's not working. Well, I maybe do more parenting, but he does more chores (I'm crap at cleaning, and hw enjoys gardening more than I do) so it balances out!

Original poster
Wingsofadragonfly85 · 27/06/2020 22:55

Dh does nothing around the house - but then I’m a sahm. Although I don’t think it was any different even when I worked inbetween having them. He wouldn’t cook for them or anything. On the rare evening I go out before they are in bed I have to leave a list of instructions but he prefers I don’t go out at least until my younger dc is in bed. At 11 my older one can fend for themselves really.

OP posts:
doodleygirl · 27/06/2020 22:58

Why are your standards so low?

LannieDuck · 27/06/2020 23:02

No, he's just lazy. And somewhat misogynistic in his assumption that he doesn't need to do any childcare or housework because you'll do it all.

Fair enough that you do everything during the week, but weekends the jobs should all be shared. If he gets Sat mornings off to do his hobby, you should get Sat afternoon or Sun morning. I can't believe he's never taken them out together to give you a break.