To ask how much your partner does with your children if you are a SAHP

[Wingsofadragonfly85]

Just that really.
If you are a stay at home parent - how much parenting does your partner do?
I’m a SAHM with two children and my dh has never done very much, he didn’t change a single nappy or do a night feed / waking when they were younger. He’s taken the older dc to the cinema twice on his own. He’s never taken them together anywhere without me. Is this the norm? They are 11 and 4 now. They’ve never been to the park or swimming or anything with him unless I’ve been there too.

Not sure I’d a get a job, your youngest starting school will be the only time you get to yourself- well deserved time! Ya husband is a lazy ass unlikely to change, working means you running yourself ragged!

What about you though? Where was your good night sleep for those years?

He’s walking all over you - seriously! You have a right to all of those things, and it sounds like you’ve had no help at all with the children. I really feel for you. Do you feel that you can speak to him about this?

Tbh OP what you post is so unreal that I’d be tempted to think you’ve posted as a joke to wind people up. I hope it is tbh for your sake.

Why are you saying he won't 'allow' you to do stuff??

My DH used to come home from work, and take over childcare, I'd make dinner while he bathed the DC, we'd get them to bed and then have dinner. At weekends we'd both have one lie-in. He actively encouraged me to go out with my pals any time I wanted, though work got in the way far too often (he often worked away and couldn't get back in time, and I know it was never his fault, as he would move mountains for the odd night I wanted to be somewhere).

You're both parents to those children. Make him parent them equally.

OP why are you with him? He sounds dreadful

Posts like this make me so sad. You must know this isn’t right? My DH is in high level pressured job but absolutely pulls his weight with the kids. Not just because he has to but because he wants to. They are 4 &6 so can be hard work whilst we’ve been at home the last few months he’s taken them out every day for at least an hour walk / scooter so I can have a break as he respects how full on it is having them all day. You deserve way more. They are his kids too.

@Wingsofadragonfly85

No we don’t do anything much as a family. I take them out on Saturdays whilst dh plays golf. He’s not up until noon on Sundays so we might have Sunday afternoon together. But on then occasions he is there for swimming, playground etc - it’s always me there as well.

This is awful. Sorry op :( that's really unfair of him. Do you have a good relationship?

God, your hubby sounds like a boring, lazy bastard.

Husband sounds worse with every update you post, OP. And he sounded pretty bad from the start...
Why did have a family when he doesn't seem to want to play any part in family life and raising his own children.
I not only feel sorry for you, I feel sorry for the children having such a disinterested father. I hope that things can change for you but it seems like a rather huge mountain to climb...

So the only point to him is making money? Does he make enough that you could hire a nanny/cleaner/ housekeeper? If not then he is no good at all really.
He doesn't sound interested in you or your children at all.
He actually booked extra work trips to avoid you? Why are you not furious with him? I hate him and I don't live with him.
I'm a sahm and dh will take over as soon as he gets home (comes downstairs these days) and I will go for a run. I can go off for a half day bike ride with friends at the weekend and the only reason I would mention it is to make sure he doesn't have his own plans and it's a courtesy. I don't ask permission.
He actively wanted to change nappies and hold them as babies because I breast fed them so he wanted to pull his weight.
I could leave right now and not come back and I know he would look after our boys the same as I would.

Gosh OP, please take your life back.

OP the more you post the more chilling this is. He does not care about you or your children. He is controlling, selfish and entitled. He may not be violent towards you but this is abuse nonetheless.

Do you have to justify your spending?
Have you lost contact with family and friends?
Are your children, particularly the older one, starting to change their behaviour around him vs around you?
When he is at home is everyone less free? In games, activities, food choices etc?

This sounds horrendous. And I feel desperately sorry for your children. Please think long and hard about whether this is a life worth living or one you want your children to grow up in.

Your DH definitely isn't the norm, he is a lazy prick. Why did he want to have kids he can't be bothered doing anything with them. You are a SAHM not a servant. I have no idea why anyone would put up with this shit. You are worth a million times more than this, if he can't drastically change I would be leaving ASAP!

@Wingsofadragonfly85

It’s also things like after playing golf yesterday he came home and watched the golf on the tv. I suggested putting something on for all of us at about 6pm and he said - no, I work all week, you’ve got all week to have the television (we actually don’t watch it much in the day tbh as we are busy) and I’m watching what I want.

What a wanker, who does he think runs around after the kids, does all the housework and runs the house. Yeah I'm sure you have hours every day to just lol around and watch TV.

Sorry for the multiple posts but I had missed some of your later posts about you staying away for the night, having to have Dd up early if you want to go out in the evening etc. He isn't just a lazy prick, he sounds controlling and possibly abusive. Make a plan to get away from him op.

He doesnt seem too interested in family time at all, this sounds like this will be the norm for the next 20 years. I do every thing at mine but that is my choice, when I suggest anything DH will agree, he knows how things run smooth :) Your DH sounds a bit of a passenger, maybe consider telling him to have a bit more interest in family time or tell him its going know where.

Telling you he booked as much time away from the kids as possible while they were being difficult with sleep... is just utterly awful.

So, he's admitting that he can't cope with the children because it's too hard... and you're doing a task 24/7 that he can't cope with even for short periods of time. Surely he's facilitating your life as much as he can - giving you lie-ins / time away etc etc?

I would like to get a job but how easy will it currently be? Also I will then end up doing everything and working.

Why would you be doing everything if you were also working FT? Both parents working FT means both doing 50% of the other chores. Essentially, both pulling their weight at home?

Why do you say that i) he wouldn't, and ii) you would have to accept that?

Is he a misogynist who sees housework as something beneath him because he has a penis? Or is he a lazy manchild who refuses to lift a finger because mummy always did it? Or is he the type who says he's earning more than you, so his job is worth twice yours and you should do all the housework?

The bar you've set for him is incredibly low. Stop tripping over it and start raising your expectations of what he should be doing as an equal parent to you.

If he's allowed evenings out to socialise, so are you. On the same terms as him. i.e. if he goes out before the kids are in bed, so can you. If he can stay out overnight, so can you. He wants you back by 10am the next morning? Then that rule applies to him too.

Tell him you'll be splitting the weekend lie-ins, and take up a hobby.

Why do you listen to him when he tells you to not go out? I’d be straight out of the door. I would book a babysitter in future. Dh was always Late back from work every time I went out, I just booked a sitter. As the kids got older and I went out I would drop them to one of the friends I was going out with, he then had to pick the kids up from there.
You must think of ways round this, he’s never going to change.