To ask how much your partner does with your children if you are a SAHP

[Wingsofadragonfly85]

Just that really.
If you are a stay at home parent - how much parenting does your partner do?
I’m a SAHM with two children and my dh has never done very much, he didn’t change a single nappy or do a night feed / waking when they were younger. He’s taken the older dc to the cinema twice on his own. He’s never taken them together anywhere without me. Is this the norm? They are 11 and 4 now. They’ve never been to the park or swimming or anything with him unless I’ve been there too.

Get a job and then have EOW off. What is point of him?

If he fails at EOW too, at least you can have the bed to yourself. You can also have a lie in very soon. Let the kids watch TV.

When I was staying at home during mat leave my DP was a massive support tbh. He did most night feeds, even now he will change the more grim nappies hahaha on his days home he would take ds out on his own to give me time to myself. Recently he has bene furloughed and I have been working full time and he has probably done the lion share of everything. Being a sahp does not mean you're on call 24/7 even when your DH is there!! He is basically not a parent at all and just a financial investor!!

Mine did nothing, thought that because he brought the money in, everything else was down to me. I was like the unpaid nanny and over time became more and more resentful....we’re now separated and he does as much as he can with them. Address it sooner rather than later, he should be doing more with the children as you are a family and a team, regardless of who works out of the home. Don’t let it go on and the resentment build up.

I'm not actually a sahp but I'm on maternity leave for a year. I do more of the childcare and housework. But he definitely does more than your partner. He will get up and overnight to give the baby a bottle and change nappies. We do bathtime together. With prompting he will help with housework.

He will take them out for a walk, to the park. He won't do things like soft play or swimming unless I'm there too as he says he doesn't feel confident about them behaving or if he has to change them etc. This annoys me as the only way you get confident is by actually going and doing it!

OP your updates actually make me sad. Hes not just a lazy man ans father, he clearly does not particularly care about his children. To not even know what year group his son is in tells me everything I need to know about him. And I am struggling to understand why you are putting your children in a situation where they are living with a man who does not care for them.

I am sorry. You are also a victim here and I am accusing you of things. But please, WAKE UP. Its bad enough if you are being treated badly but if you cant see how this affects your children, please start thinking about it now.

My DH is an older dad, this his second family too and if l am honest he has always done the bare minimum. But we have gone back to the old school way , he works full time, l look after the house - not saying he doesn't do anything, he is always working in the garden and doing DIY bits but the childcare side of things is usually down to me. Obvs he adores her and is always happy for me to go out and will stay home so l can go out and l work part time too. Daughter is 8 now so not like she needs full on care any more but certainly as a baby l used to do 99% nappy changes and bath time etc. It works for us and we are both happy this way so not too fussed if anyone thinks this is the wrong way to do it. If l wasn't happy l would soon change things.

Sorry just RTFT my post may be a bit late to the party. If you are not happy OP, please deal with it now he sounds like a selfish git.

So he’s out all day Saturday and also in bed all Sunday morning? When is your:

• lie in?
• day off without the kids?

If he gets this every weekend, so should you!

Your 1 night away was hard fought for and you had to be back by 10am- what happened?

Would would happen if you said you were going away for a weekend with friends?

Absolutely heaps, has since they were first born. He got up with me for the night feeds - he insisted. He bathed them, got up with them, changed their nappies. He's always been present, and hands on, taking them out, helping them with their homework, discussing things with them, watching stuff they send him, reading books they suggest to him, teaching them how to cook, how to bbq, that sort of thing.

I’m also disgusted that you had to be back at 10am on your one weekend away! Your youngest is 4- you should have the freedom to go away with friends etc and enjoy yourself. He is totally unreasonable.

My dh is an amazing dad. I'm so so grateful when I hear about all these useless excuses for fathers. I'm a sahp too and dh works in a very stressful senior position. Hes currently at home but pitches in whenever he gets a moment. If theres something I need to do, he will take ds find something to do with him in his office. I dont need to sort ds out. dh does everything I can do. I can see how this is impacting my son. My ds goes to either of us when he needs something, and my ds doesnt view cleaning, cooking etc as just my job. To him anyone can do it.
I really would not have accepted a useless man though. And no way would I enable this. Why are you allowing it/ allowed it for so long.

I do 'more' in the sense that I'm obviously The Parent when DH is working (roughly a 48 hour week, though not 9-5). When DH is off its probably somewhat more DH, in that he takes on more to give me a break. He's always pitched in fully with bedtimes, bathtimes, nightfeeds etc & is quite happy to take the kids off himself for the day. I do most of the housework, but DH does all the cooking plus the stereotypical Bloke Stuff.

I’m on mat leave with DC3 and am usually pt so I can pick up from school. I bf so I do nights but DH Has the baby from 6-8am every day (including weekends) so I can catch up on sleep. He feeds the older two breakfast and does the morning school run for the one who’s back in class. He’s senior and busy wah right now but sees how hard I’m working so makes time through the day to help me - making lunch or taking the baby. He does the older D.C. bedtime while I settle the baby and is totally 50/50 at the weekend.

He’s a hard worker and respects me so has always done his share.

Thank you for all the responses.

It would seem my dh isnt ‘the norm’ then.
I think the other thing is that the children will come to me every single time. They will walk past dh to come and find me.
It’s things like the other night I was cooking dinner and I could hear dd shouting for some help in the toilet and dh wouldn’t help her. Go and get your mum was his response.

It’s also things like after playing golf yesterday he came home and watched the golf on the tv. I suggested putting something on for all of us at about 6pm and he said - no, I work all week, you’ve got all week to have the television (we actually don’t watch it much in the day tbh as we are busy) and I’m watching what I want.

Good heavens, I was born in the early 60s and my dad did all that stuff. He used to cycle home as quick as he could after work to cook dinner and spend time with his children. He changed nappies, he bathed us: the only things he wouldn't do was sewing and mending because he'd never been taught and my mum had.

When my youngest was born I was quite ill and my parents stayed with us. Dh and my dad and my mum took it in turns to do the nappies after each feed. It was lovely to see that my 68yo dad hadn't lost his touch.

My late FIL was born in 1909 but was also a hands-on dad when his time came in the 60s: one of his favourite stories was how he was stopped by a police officer pushing a pram through London in the middle of the night and had to explain plaintively that "the little bugger won't sleep"- at which the officer nodded sympathetically, having clearly been there and done that. To FIL it was natural that his wife needed to sleep too, and if the only way of achieving that was by taking his son out, then that was his job. When he retired earlier than his wife, he took over the running of the household. This was a man who could remember visiting France before the First World War. Still perfectly capable of cooking dinners and looking after a family.

As for dh, he basically never sat down when I was still busy. (In fact, he is ironing now, so I should probably go and do something productive too)

He did nappies and anything else you can do with a baby from day one. When we realised my career prospects were going to get damaged by being a SAHM for too long he took a day's unpaid leave/week to be a SAHP so that I could up my qualifications. When I went to conferences he ran the household- which wasn't really that different to running it as a team when I was at home.

And if i want to go out in the evening I have to get dd up earlier than usual (naturally goes 7.30am ish to 9pm) so that she’s in bed by 7pm. So I have to get her up about 6am to make sure because basically she does 13.5 hours from whenever she gets up.

DH isn't perfect but he mucked in loads when ours were little. Night feeds fri and sat night, took them out. Not as much now as they're older. I know lots of fathers who have never taken their kids out on their own, its disgraceful.
The telling your child to get you when they needed help on the loo would be a deal breaker for me.

Why do you accept this? Do you think you are worth less than he is because you don’t work? This is one of the most depressing things I’ve read in a long time, and don’t forget your children are watching and absorbing this sexist bullshit.

I feel like one of the children I think, it’s been a gradual decline for me to feel as I do. I feel very powerless.
The fact that I don’t feel I can leave the children with dh makes me feel very trapped. Because I also can’t leave them with anyone else, particularly at the moment. A weekend away - so two nights - with friends would be absolutely out of the question.

Gosh op. I can’t even. I think of how mad I was when I had a bath and ds2 was a month old, heard ds1 asking for me and dh , busy holding ds2, said you’ll have to wait for mummy. I stomped out wet and said he bloody well doesn’t as he has a parent right here!! What do you think happens when you’re not here? I’m allowed to have one bath, do some parenting. And stomped back. So I can’t imagine the rage level for you. What is holding you back from leaving? Can you start a thread brainstorming whether you should look for work, just leave, practice putting your foot down about things step by step (dunno how that would work I’d just call him a fucking useless twatface excuse for a human being and the only thing in life I’m sorry for is that my children have such a pathetic pondscum for a legal father as there’s nothing else father about him)

I think it’s his upbringing.
After I had both dc - by c section - my mil came round with some of dh’s favourite meals for the freezer (not things I eat) in case I ‘didn’t feel like cooking for him.’ There was no mention of what I’d have 😂😂

My dh does absolutely everything he can for our children, I can’t imagine not being able to take time out and fully hand them over when I need a break. I generally do the cooking but he would if need be.

You've never had a lie in! You've had one night away in 11 years! This is not the norm for me or anyone I know.

We both work but I have friends that are SAHMs. I don't know their day to day routine but we've had plenty of nights away/long lunches/shopping days out and none of them were rushing home.

Have you ever told him you want a lie in?